Observing thoughts vs Identifying with them

[Tistepiste]

So last few months were some of the worst months in my life when it comes to mental health.

I was so deeply identified with my thoughts that came from a bad situation, that I could not see a way out.
I had a feeling of constant stress, could feel physical pain in my heart, had shortage of breath.
Could not really do anything, could barely clean my own room, had a hard time getting up, even showering was a hard task.

I was so caught up in my thoughts, that I thought they would never go away. I tried to "debunk" them, tried to rationalize them.
But when I finished doing that, they all came back and I just could not stop thinking about them.
The same thoughts were always present, constantly, as hard as I tried "let them go".

I tried writing about them, tried meditation, talked about them with my family, but they still hung onto me.

 

That's when I realized I was doing it wrong all along.  Instead of following the train of thought, jumping on the train and trying to get rid of the root by analyzing them and "debunking them", I just had to stop giving them any attention or focus.
So, when these same thoughts pop up again, I look at them, and don't go into it. I am like a "silent watcher". The same thoughts still pop up occasionally, probably because I thought about them non-stop for the past 7 months. (and with non-stop I mean every single moment of the day, they were always present).

 

Now, since I started being an observer, my headspace feels so "empty", that it is sooo easily filled up with anything else now. (I know it sounds kind of like a paradox)
I am trying to focus but I get distracted by the slightest thing. (I have been diagnosed with ADD so that could be the reason), but it is worse than ever.
Instead of giving attention to my headspace, there's so much room that came free now, that so many impulses are triggering it.

I see a word and it makes me think of a story, I open youtube to play a song and I dream away of old stories. 
I see an interesting video and article and I want to know all about it.

Like these are not "bad thoughts" anymore, but the triggers are so overwhelming that is hard to focus on what is in front of me right now (my thesis, my exams).

Could it be that, because of the fact that there was no room for any other thoughts than these worries I had, they are all attacking me all at once? Does meditation help? I don't want to take medication like adderall / rilatin cause it makes me feel like a zombie

Edited August 9, 2018 by Tistepiste

[nethernalbeing]

48 minutes ago, Tistepiste said:

So last few months were some of the worst months in my life when it comes to mental health.

I was so deeply identified with my thoughts, that I could not see a way out.
I had a feeling of constant stress, could feel physical pain in my heart, had shortage of breath.
Could not really do anything, could barely clean my own room, had a hard time getting up, even showering was a hard task.

I was so caught up in my thoughts, that I thought they would never go away. I tried to "debunk" them, tried to rationalize them.
But when I finished doing that, they all came back and I just could not stop thinking about them.
The same thoughts were always present, constantly, as hard as I tried "let them go".

I tried writing about them, tried meditation, talked about them with my family, but they still hung onto me.

 

That's when I realized I was doing it wrong all along.  Instead of following the train of thought, jumping on the train and trying to get rid of the root by analyzing them and "debunking them", I just had to stop giving them any attention or focus.
So, when these same thoughts pop up again, I look at them, and don't go into it. I am like a "silent watcher". The same thoughts still pop up occasionally, probably because I thought about them non-stop for the past 7 months. (and with non-stop I mean every single moment of the day, they were always present).

 

Now, since I started being an observer, my headspace feels so "empty", that it is sooo easily filled up with anything else now. (I know it sounds kind of like a paradox)
I am trying to focus but I get distracted by the slightest thing. (I have been diagnosed with ADD so that could be the reason), but it is worse than ever.
Instead of giving attention to my headspace, there's so much room that came free now, that so many impulses are triggering it.

I see a word and it makes me think of a story, I open youtube to play a song and I dream away of old stories. 
I see an interesting video and article and I want to know all about it.

Like these are not "bad thoughts" anymore, but the triggers are so overwhelming that is hard to focus on what is in front of me right now (my thesis, my exams).

Could it be that, because of the fact that there was no room for any other thoughts than these worries I had, they are all attacking me all at once? Does meditation help? I don't want to take medication like adderall / rilatin cause it makes me feel like a zombie

It seems to "me" that you're currently experiencing "ego backlash". Thoughts which became a part of you were discovered as illusory. Now ego tries to create different patterns to bind you with.

I experience it constantly and it takes some time. Treat your thoughts and compulsions as clouds in the sky. They appear but you don't focus on them. The same with triggers.

Thoughts are generally connected to feelings and all of it is creating a sense of "urgency" - need to focus on something. Instead it is helpful to just sit awhile - before doing any of those things - and just be. In time less "stressors" will come your way. Even a story - which seems not dangerous - may create some need or an idea. Those needs and ideas - if not treated lightly - will definitely produce suffering.

Edited August 9, 2018 by nethernalbeing

[Tistepiste]

@nethernalbeing It's so unwanted right now though. I need intense focus to obtain my university degree. I don't want to deal with this stuff right now but it is so overwhelming I am not sure how to handle it.

I am glad I could lose the "grip" on those worries I had before. I was suffering so deeply, and all of it is gone almost now. But I am still having a very hard time focussing.

[YaNanNallari]

don't judge identification. you'll notice how it starts to get draining to hang onto them eventually

[Tistepiste]

@YaNanNallari What do you mean?

Identification with thoughts = hanging onto them.

[nethernalbeing]

9 minutes ago, Tistepiste said:

@nethernalbeing It's so unwanted right now though. I need intense focus to obtain my university degree. I don't want to deal with this stuff right now but it is so overwhelming I am not sure how to handle it.

I am glad I could lose the "grip" on those worries I had before. I was suffering so deeply, and all of it is gone almost now. But I am still having a very hard time focussing.

Try to quiet down. Meditate and observe your thoughts without clinging to them. Also - while doing your university degree - do one thing at a time. Don't trouble yourself with any outcomes and past. Just be here - do what you're doing. If thoughts or weird sensations arise during learning - don't try to stop them - instead take a 2 minute-break and observe them in silence. Continue learning - knowing that you feel them. They will pass like rain on a cloudy day

[Tistepiste]

@nethernalbeing Yeah. There's so much sensation now, Ill try. it's like my energy levels just reversed.

I was soooo low on energy and now I am SPIKING.

 

Thanks for the tips, fellow being

Edited August 9, 2018 by Tistepiste

[nethernalbeing]

Imagine an ocean for a second. Does the ocean mind that the waves are higher one day and lower on another? It stays an ocean. Be the ocean and nothing will be able to disturb your peace my friend.

When in doubt - you always have yourself (your incarnations on this forum :P) Sending love!

[Tistepiste]

@nethernalbeing <3

[Privet]

I suppose that the problem is that you judge yourself for the lack of focus.

Try this algorithm:

1) Focus on your task

2) Notice how you get distracted and feel annoyed/ashamed/guilty because you can't focus, DO NOT try to not feel this, let yourself butthurt but still go to 3

3) Give compassion to yourself and praise yourself that you noticed that "oh, I have just distracted and got annoyed, good, I can relax and try again, cool"

4) Go to the 1

Do that in a loop. Eventually you will catch fire and realize "wow, I was studying 10 minutes without distractions!".

ADD won't pass easily and quickly. Baby steps, gradual progress, positive reinforcement and an enormous amount of love and patience directed to yourself is the key.

There are many other factors involved: food, stress, exercises, health etc. So there's no quick solution.

Edited August 9, 2018 by Privet

[YaNanNallari]

18 minutes ago, Tistepiste said:

Identification with thoughts = hanging onto them.

Not completely. The ego expands. You know how an enlightened person is like "everything is one, everything is me". That's because you identify with everything. So when you say identifying, you mean identifying with only certain things, which causes the resistance. So the issue isn't identifying. If you hang onto your identification, you are not identifying with a wide enough variety of things so to say.

Your issue after reading the post seems to be something else though. You probably have spirits/thoughtforms that generate those thoughts. They probably came about from a previous bad feeling and stayed there. So don't feel bad about having those thoughts. I could be wrong though. So yeah it will get better after a while. You're going through a lot of transformation right now

 

[Tistepiste]

@YaNanNallari Alright , I understand!

 

 But

Quote

"don't judge identification. You'll notice how it starts to get draining to hang onto them eventually"

Still not sure what you mean with that, because it sounds paradoxal to me.

On one hand you say "don't judge identification", which I understand.

But then you say, "you'll notice how it starts to get draining to hang onto them eventually."

Do you mean that it starts to get draining to hang onto your thoughts? Yes, that's what I suffered from, and I am trying not to do that by not identifying with these specific thoughts.

Hope it makes sense?

 

Edited August 9, 2018 by Tistepiste

[Tistepiste]

@YaNanNallari And yes, they indeed came from a bad feeling. 

 

@Privet Thank you! I will implement that strategy!

Edited August 9, 2018 by Tistepiste

[YaNanNallari]

@Tistepiste Yeah that's exactly what I mean

[Forestluv]

I know I am observing when a thought has no more relevance than a bird chirp

[SoonHei]

11 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

I know I am observing when a thought has no more relevance than a bird chirp

love it

[Tistepiste]

@Serotoninluv Love that! Exactly! Doing that right now.

[WelcometoReality]

On 2018-08-09 at 4:38 PM, nethernalbeing said:

It seems to "me" that you're currently experiencing "ego backlash". Thoughts which became a part of you were discovered as illusory. Now ego tries to create different patterns to bind you with.

I experience it constantly and it takes some time. Treat your thoughts and compulsions as clouds in the sky. They appear but you don't focus on them. The same with triggers.

Thoughts are generally connected to feelings and all of it is creating a sense of "urgency" - need to focus on something. Instead it is helpful to just sit awhile - before doing any of those things - and just be. In time less "stressors" will come your way. Even a story - which seems not dangerous - may create some need or an idea. Those needs and ideas - if not treated lightly - will definitely produce suffering.

@Tistepiste This is good advice.

Ego won't give up easily. It will create whatever is needed to get back into control. You can read about it here.

 

[Tistepiste]

@WelcometoReality I went to a psychiatrist today.. After 30 mins of talking she said that I suffer from autism..? I never thought about that

[WelcometoReality]

21 hours ago, Tistepiste said:

@WelcometoReality I went to a psychiatrist today.. After 30 mins of talking she said that I suffer from autism..? I never thought about that

Not that easy to say after a 30 minute meeting. Maybe you should take a test to be certain? Autism or not it won't take away what you have "seen"