Insecurity ruining my relationship

[Katy]

Hello, my name is Kate and I am new here. I was not sure what forum to put this is so I am sorry if it is in the incorrect one.

I am 29 years old and I have been with my boyfriend since I was 16. Ever since I can remember I have always felt threatened by other women and the past two years it has gotten out of control and my relationship is on the rocks. He is a brilliant man and I don't want to lose him so I am looking for any advice please.

I don't know why I feel this way but if I see a girl that is pretty I get mad at him because I think that he thinks she is pretty (I am aware it is normal to find others attractive, I just feel like they are better than me) If he looks at someone outside I feel anxious and I know he just glanced at her but my mind starts thinking he fancies her, he thinks she is prettier than me or just going in to over drive wondering what he thought of her and the scary thing is that I will think about this for hours after. It's not even like he was staring at her, he just glanced but if she is pretty I start feeling threatened and I get upset.

If we see someone scantily clad I instantly get angry, I feel like he likes what he sees and that I am not good enough. If he answers the door and I hear a woman I panic, wondering if she was pretty and if he thought she was. We live in flats and all the women/girls when hot dress in skirts and hot pants and even though they are not that attractive (I am not being nasty, they look quite rough) I still feel threatened by them if he even looked at them.

I have no idea what is wrong with me, I have had these feelings for as long as I can remember and I hate who I am. If he watches a film and I think an actress is pretty I start feeling like he has betrayed me and I sit wondering for hours if he liked her and then thinking I am not as pretty.

I know how I treat him is wrong, I know I shouldn't get angry but I don't know why I do. I know it is normal to find other people attractive and I know that seeing half naked women is something I can't avoid and is normal but why do I feel so threatened by this if I know it is normal? I feel like I am having a break down because I hate myself and how I treat him but every time I see a woman the feelings arise and I lose it and then I feel like a failure. He does not see a future with me if I can't change and I want to but my mind is so used to feeling the way I do, I can't stop it when jealous/insecurity arises.

I don't really know if anyone can help me or has experienced this before but I was just hoping someone could give me some advice on how I can change and stop this otherwise I will lose my partner and I don't want too.

Thank you for reading this.

Edited August 7, 2018 by Katy

[Truth]

You two have been together for 13 years he still is on the rocks with you? ?

Sorry, I'm trying to comprehend that. 

 

 

[Katy]

He has put up with my behaviour for a long time but the past year it has gotten much worse. Our relationship is on the rocks because he does not see a future with me and he says if I can't change then it is over and I don't blame him. I just don't know how to change as I don't know why I feel or act the way I do when I know I am in the wrong for how I treat him.

[Truth]

It sounds like you think your entire relationship is based on looks, and if your looks become threatened you react and think that your relationship is in jeopardy, but in reality you're just creating that and it's toxifying your interactions with him and the relationship as a whole. 

Stop basing your relationship on just looks. Make it more than that, make it deeper, make it so deep that even if a hot ass chick came through the door and tried to seduce your man that you know in your heart that there's no way he could give in. And even if he caved it would still be nothing compared to the empire you've already built with him. Because in the end, how much can you really control him? You could be this absolutely amazing women but that isn't gonna mean shit if he doesn't make you feel sexy and wanted and assure you all the time that you're his sexy beast.

But also, realize that your jealousy/insecurity is really making you look "ugly". I use that word deliberately because you're so focused on looks.

It's not your outsides that are ugly anymore, now it's your insides, and that is not turning him on, that is not making him excited, leading him to be less and less attracted to you and making you feel like he's looking at other girls and leaving you feeling less and less attractive and it's just becoming this negative downward spiral.

You're BOTH to blame here. It's not either, or. 

Edited August 6, 2018 by Truth

[ajasatya]

@Katy sorry, but maybe you need some emotional suffering to get you motivated enough to seek your true value.

rough questions: what can you offer to him? how do you make his life better? how can you make the planet a better place to live?

[Katy]

14 minutes ago, Truth said:

It sounds like you think your entire relationship is based on looks, and if your looks become threatened you react and think that your relationship is in jeopardy, but in reality you're just creating that and it's toxifying your interactions with him and the relationship as a whole. 

Stop basing your relationship on just looks. Make it more than that, make it deeper, make it so deep that even if a hot ass chick came through the door and tried to seduce your man that you know in your heart that there's no way he could give in. And even if he caved it would still be nothing compared to the empire you've already built with him. Because in the end, how much can you really control him? You could be this absolutely amazing women but that isn't gonna mean shit if he doesn't make you feel sexy and wanted and assure you all the time that you're his sexy beast.

But also, realize that your jealousy/insecurity is really making you look "ugly". I use that word deliberately because you're so focused on looks.

It's not your outsides that are ugly anymore, now it's your insides, and that is not turning him on, that is not making him excited, leading him to be less and less attracted to you and making you feel like he's looking at other girls and leaving you feeling less and less attractive and it's just becoming this negative downward spiral.

You're BOTH to blame here. It's not either, or. 

Thank you for your response Truth.

I have never really looked at it like that but I guess you are right. I was abused by mum as a child very badly and growing up I always felt insecure and unhappy with myself. I did get a lot of unwanted attention from males in high school etc and I got told I was pretty a lot but despite this I have always felt insecure and never good enough somehow.

I feel like my looks are the only thing my partner would like about me because I don't like myself and the way I think and behave and treat him. He is always telling me I am beautiful and that I am more than my looks, that I am a lovely, kind, caring woman and he loves everything about me. He is a great boyfriend and does nothing to make me feel insecure so I don't get why I feel so threatened and angry at the site of a pretty girl.

It is really bad my anxiety with other women. I hate going out anywhere with him because I know there might be a pretty girl and this threatens me for some reason. I know I sound stupid, I know how I feel is wrong but I just don't get why I am so emotional and angry and upset. This has ruled my life since I was 16 and I have no idea how to control it. One minute I am fine and then a pretty girl walks past and before I know it I have lost my shit and I am saying stupid, insecure crap and ruining the relationship. I just want to stop these feelings as I hate feeling like this but I don't know why I do. 

I do believe that if a hot girl walked up to him he would turn her down because I know he loves me more than anything, I just don't love myself I guess. I know I look ugly to him as he says it's not attractive and I agree. He says he doesn't care about me as much as he used to because of all my insecurity and even though I don't blame him this hurts so much.

The problem is not him because he has done everything and more to show me how much he loves me but I still get angry and upset and feel insecure. I know I need to work on myself but I don't know how to control my emotions and not let them get the better of me.

 

 

[Katy]

33 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@Katy sorry, but maybe you need some emotional suffering to get you motivated enough to seek your true value.

rough questions: what can you offer to him? how do you make his life better? how can you make the planet a better place to live?

Right now I feel like I offer him nothing, if anything I make his life a misery and this upsets me because I hate the person I am, I hate treating him badly and yet I do. I know he would be better of without me and he deserves someone who loves themself and is secure. He says he only stays as he knows one day I will change and he wants to be around when that happens but I am scared because these insecure feelings have controlled me since I was a child and I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

[ajasatya]

17 minutes ago, Katy said:

Right now I feel like I offer him nothing, if anything I make his life a misery and this upsets me because I hate the person I am, I hate treating him badly and yet I do. I know he would be better of without me and he deserves someone who loves themself and is secure. He says he only stays as he knows one day I will change and he wants to be around when that happens but I am scared because these insecure feelings have controlled me since I was a child and I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

excellent, you're being completely honest about your feelings.

do you have something you love doing by yourself like walking, painting, playing some instrument or singing? have you tried anything like that before?

it feels like you gotta learn how to be fine all by yourself. people often learn how to be their own friends after some crushing break up (me included), but maybe you don't need to wait until that happens?

i bet your boyfriend would totally support you on your quest to find your enjoyment!

Edited August 7, 2018 by ajasatya

[Martin123]

3 minutes ago, Katy said:

Right now I feel like I offer him nothing, if anything I make his life a misery and this upsets me because I hate the person I am, I hate treating him badly and yet I do. I know he would be better of without me and he deserves someone who loves themself and is secure. He says he only stays as he knows one day I will change and he wants to be around when that happens but I am scared because these insecure feelings have controlled me since I was a child and I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

Hi Kate! I wanna start off by saying that I am very sorry for your difficulties in your relationship. When life is trying to wake us up to our inherent value, beauty and grandiose gorgeousness, it often does so by making all the ways we perceive ourselves unsufferable, and that is a deeply painful thing often leading to self-loathing, self-judgement, or self-hate, while exposing the innermost vulnerable and insecure parts of ourselves. 

I wanna offer you a perspective and approach that you could take that could potentially transform your relationship, and your emotional well being.
Every time there is a negative emotion/reaction or thought, it is a sign from your innocent inner self, or inner child that it would like some loving attention from you. Every insecurity is a part of your collective self, asking for recognition to be integrated into the wholeness of your being. 
And in knowing this, the importance then isnt necessarily what you feel, because all those feelings are just kind of like signs of your inner child going "hey, im heere... I want some attention now please!" The important part is your response to your feelings. 
What if, to all the negative judgements you have about yourself you responded with taking a  few deep breaths, and said "Thank you for sharing your pain with me, I see you and honor you.", Every time you feel insecure you could say to yourself "honey I am so sorry you dont feel safe right now, I want you to know that I love you deeply, and if there is anything else you would like me to do or say, please let me know"
Another really obvious and wonderful example is the beauty competitions you participate in with other females, which btw I have to tell you whether you like it or not you already are Miss Universe, and your job is to kind of deal with it.
What if you could respond to your tendency to compare yourself with other females with a compliment onto yourself. In ex. "Wow, that woman is so beautiful and is making me insecure about my own looks, what if the only reason she is making me feel insecure is an invitation to  compliment myself on my own beauty, and all the things I am doing so wonderfully right in every moment. Hey Kate, I see you, you are gorgeous and amazing and I thank you for being such a wonderful, strong, conscious and aware divine goddess that you have always been. Thank you for radiating the amazing feminine energy that is inherent to your being, you rock sista!"

Just a suggestion. :-)

Please let me remind you that you are beautiful, and I thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your difficulty on this forum. Being brave enough to ask for guidance in such situations is no easy task and you freaking nailed it!

[Truth]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

Thank you for your response Truth.

I have never really looked at it like that but I guess you are right. I was abused by mum as a child very badly and growing up I always felt insecure and unhappy with myself. I did get a lot of unwanted attention from males in high school etc and I got told I was pretty a lot but despite this I have always felt insecure and never good enough somehow.

I feel like my looks are the only thing my partner would like about me because I don't like myself and the way I think and behave and treat him. He is always telling me I am beautiful and that I am more than my looks, that I am a lovely, kind, caring woman and he loves everything about me. He is a great boyfriend and does nothing to make me feel insecure so I don't get why I feel so threatened and angry at the site of a pretty girl.

It is really bad my anxiety with other women. I hate going out anywhere with him because I know there might be a pretty girl and this threatens me for some reason. I know I sound stupid, I know how I feel is wrong but I just don't get why I am so emotional and angry and upset. This has ruled my life since I was 16 and I have no idea how to control it. One minute I am fine and then a pretty girl walks past and before I know it I have lost my shit and I am saying stupid, insecure crap and ruining the relationship. I just want to stop these feelings as I hate feeling like this but I don't know why I do. 

I do believe that if a hot girl walked up to him he would turn her down because I know he loves me more than anything, I just don't love myself I guess. I know I look ugly to him as he says it's not attractive and I agree. He says he doesn't care about me as much as he used to because of all my insecurity and even though I don't blame him this hurts so much.

The problem is not him because he has done everything and more to show me how much he loves me but I still get angry and upset and feel insecure. I know I need to work on myself but I don't know how to control my emotions and not let them get the better of me.

 

 

I'm starting to see more of what's going on now. 

You need to love yourself. The reason this insecurity hasn't gone away no matter how much you know about it, no matter how much you know what's going on, what you think stems your insecurity etc. even on the meta level is because fundamentally you're using the temporary external environment (your boyfriend/people) to validate your worth. And I'm here to tell you that this will NEVER EVER work. It will only keep you spinning your wheels as you have been all these years, it's like watching a marathon on Netflix but then after you've watched all the episodes you're left with this empty feeling/void because it never made you full and leaves you wanting more, even if they had 60 seasons eventually there would be none. It's LIMITED. the only permanent solution is to create love for yourself. 

A person to help with this is someone like Matt Kahn He's absolutely amazing when it comes to teaching you how to love yourself and finding your own value. 

The next time you find yourself having these emotions again, love yourself. Love the one who is angry. Love the one who doesn't feel attractive. Love the one who is insecure. Love the one who doesn't like herself. Love the one who doesn't feel good enough. Just sit there and try to love yourself to death, and you might not like being loved so much, but do it anyway, because what you're feeling you're healing, and over the weeks and months it will slowly start to get out of your system.

Create an unconditional love for yourself. We all love you, but we can only get so far. The love ultimately has to come from you.

 

Edited August 7, 2018 by Truth