Life Change Feels Impossible... Please Help

[kieranperez]

Simply put, this entire endeavor of trying to turn my life around at any level seems impossible. I’ve seen @Leo Gura‘s video titled “How to Stop Being a Victim Part 2” for those that are gonna suggest it. I’ve tried the exercise at the end multiple times and I keep giving logical answers to all of them. When I look deeper to try and see I end up in tears of frustration and anger. I realize logically that these emotional reactions are what’s keeping me self deceived but when I realize that I get even more upset to the point of utter emotional meltdown. 

I keep buying books and courses I don’t finish (including life purpose course), I have extremely low self esteem (self respect and self efficacy), I have no emotional mastery whatsoever, I struggle with chronic anger, bitterness, depression, etc. Fuck I can’t even sleep at night anymore. I can’t sleep because I know I don’t have my life handled. People keep telling me “oh you’re 23 you have time.” I can’t even talk to girls anymore because I’m so embarassed and ashamed of what I have to offer. I live at home with the most dogmatic rationalist that operates under the most secular moralistic attitude who I have no relationship with and is pushing me to work for him and get a real estate license but I know that’s a dead end. 

I just don’t know what to do. I can’t afford financially a place to really live, I have no self esteem or emotional stability to really pursue my life purpose and start a business, etc. I know I’m the only obstacle and that other people or circumstances aren’t necessarily the main issues that needs to be conquered but this just feels like so fucking much it’s impossible. I’m terrified because I know if things go the way they’re going I’m going to most likely end up suicidal or something because I don’t trust that I can fucking do anything. I can’t even seem to make choices anymore. 

I’m having constant emotional meltdowns and I can’t get help with therapy because my dad thinks I just need to be told to man up and get to work and become more successful so I can afford to put food in my mouth. 

I try doing things like affirmations, visualization, etc. but the more I do it I just end up in tears because I know I’m just horse shitting myself. Even if I goes fine, THEN WHAT? What do I do after? Start a business with no emotional stability or any real psychological strength or resourcefulness? I also live in the most exspensive city in the USA to live in and I can’t afford the car I have now either. I constantly am leaving the city (San Francisco) and head to nature just to be nature and drive to TRY to calm down and think clearly for once (often unsuccessful because I know I’m wasting more time). 

I almost feel like going back on one of my old antidepressants just to cope but even when I was taking those nothing was any different..

[Prabhaker]

@kieranperez

Try to improve your overall health and quality of life.

1. Make a time table and try to follow it everyday.

2. Walk in morning and evening regularly, empty stomach. Walk very slowly, meditatively. Keep your body loose especially lower belly (abdomen) and shoulders. 

3. Don't breathe from chest, always breathe from belly (abdomen), try to keep your belly relaxed all day.

4. Eat slowly, chew food properly, drink water many times a day, sleep well, wear loose clothing, don't talk too much.

5. Don't do anything which exhausts you, like watching too much TV, playing too much video games etc.

Relax the circumference of your being , relax your body, relax your behavior, relax your acts. Walk in a relaxed way, eat in a relaxed way, talk, listen in a relaxed way. Slow down every process. Don't be in a hurry and don't be in haste.

[Salvijus]

1 hour ago, kieranperez said:

. 

I try doing thing like afirmations, visualization, etc. but the more I  I was taking those nothing was any different.

Go more serious. Go shambhavi mahamudra from sadhguru I suggest. But if that's impossible for you do some more serious form of meditation. Self enquiry vipassana

[denydritz]

Hi @kieranperez It sounds like you are frustrated because you have expectations? You say that exercises like affirmations and visualizations are 'horse shit' and a waste of time, why is that? It seems to me that your main block is that you have an expectation that you should already be at some level of success at this point in your life, and you feel very bad that you're not there yet.

I recently learned that we sometimes have goals we want to happen in the past. But these goals didn't happen, and haven't happened, but we become tied and attached to them. An example would be that "I should be married by now" or "I should have this amount of income by now." Unfortunately, we can't change the past, so if we are still attached to these past goals, we only become more frustrated. Is it possible that you feel no amount of exercise or calming down can bring any good because you want it to already have happened in the past? "I shouldn't be having this emotional meltdown by now."

Cheers.

[Rebec]

 

7 hours ago, denydritz said:

goals we want to happen in the past

@denydritz really usefull! Thanks ?