Fears in relationships

[David Turcot]

Hi,

I realized I few years ago that I have a lot of fears in the domain of relationships with women. The way I deal with it is that I don't face my fears and with avoidance.

Intimate relationships I mean, with friendship I'm ok.

I know now that this fear comes from the fact that I derive my value from what women thinks of me. So I know a rejection will hurt me a lot, so I avoid the chance of being rejected at all cost, I don't want to be vulnerable. Of course that doesn't attract any woman!

Since I've been single all of my 37 years life, except for a month, I can tell you that I've got a few self-esteem issues. This one month I felt like another human being, I was totally different and felt very good, even if I didn't even loved this girl other than as a friend.

I know I should not base my personal value based on the fact that a woman loves me or not, but I still do after all those years and I'm tired of it.

Anyone having the same kind of issues? Did you fix this issue and how?

Thanks!

[SgtPepper]

You only base your value on another girls opinion probably cause you like them and want them to stick around, so you don't want to act in a way that repel them. Nothing wrong with that. It's actually natural, we're social animals.

So essentially youre asking how to be more vulnerable and open. You gotta, stop hiding behind the wall you created behind you and your feelings, once you get that down. destroy the wall between yourself and others.

I used to be a bit closed up yes, it really helped to just stop being afraid, love yourself no matter what.

Go to do stuff that takes you out of your comfort zone, like dancing at a party.

Or better yet, Take some LSD, it'll make you extremely vulnerable. It'll bring out a lot of fear out of you but you'll be better because of it and more connected to yourself and others.

[David Turcot]

@SgtPepper Thanks!

But for LSD I'll pass, no drugs for me, my brain is too sensible for that.

I had my fair share of problems with alcool in the past I stay away from drugs, especially LSD I may go crazy!

[SgtPepper]

9 minutes ago, David Turcot said:

@SgtPepper Thanks!

But for LSD I'll pass, no drugs for me, my brain is too sensible for that.

I had my fair share of problems with alcool in the past I stay away from drugs, especially LSD I may go crazy!

I would not equate LSD with alcohol, they are nothing alike. I consider LSD medicine, but I respect that you don't want to try it. It's powerful stuff. I would still urge to try it if you want to see dramatic change happen though, just do your research and start slow. 

Otherwise, you just have to open up yourself through other means. Maybe start acknowledging your feelings. Are you afraid of your feelings? do you try to hide from them? Try writing in a journal and acknowledging your emotions. Cry, laugh, anger, do it all, but feel it consciously. Then try to be more okay with showing this side of you to people. Women love it by the way. Women are sensual creates compared to Men, so they love men who can be stern and tough but still be empathic and in touch with their feelings.

Seeing a therapist can help a lot too as they will help identity self-esteem issues and they're trained to have sober methods of dealing with it. A therapist is a great resource.

 

Edited August 6, 2018 by SgtPepper

[BobbyLowell]

HEY watch Leos video how to stop caring what others think of you, and do the affirmation for a long time each day. What a woman thinks of you does not matter. You are worthy and worth it awesome no matter what. Get in touch with that fact. And the only way to get rid of the fear of rejection is to bite the bullet. but do it after you stop caring what others think of you to a decent degree. My advice. wait like 3 months. YOUVE GOT THIS. Think about what a woman gives you, that you dont have and that is creating this fear. Then give yourself it (through affirmations probably). IF its like sex , its not a NEED. remember that. 

[David Turcot]

11 hours ago, BobbyLowell said:

HEY watch Leos video how to stop caring what others think of you, and do the affirmation for a long time each day. What a woman thinks of you does not matter. You are worthy and worth it awesome no matter what. Get in touch with that fact. And the only way to get rid of the fear of rejection is to bite the bullet. but do it after you stop caring what others think of you to a decent degree. My advice. wait like 3 months. YOUVE GOT THIS. Think about what a woman gives you, that you dont have and that is creating this fear. Then give yourself it (through affirmations probably). IF its like sex , its not a NEED. remember that. 

Lol, thanks!

It's my favorite video of Leo, he describes me perfectly in this video. I'll watch it again!

Also I do affirmations, my favorite one is: "I don't care what other people thinks of me". It helped me doing that, but I've got to persevere doing it I do it less these days. I'll go back at it today!!

[David Turcot]

@SgtPepper Of course the fear comes from not wanting to live bad feelings. I know I am a very emotional person so I try to avoid those feelings all the time.

Alcool is a pretty good way to avoid, but a pretty destructive way. In fact, all the methods of avoiding my feelings are destructive in the long run.

You are right, I've got to accept that I am very emotional (and also very rational at the same time, it's tough to reunite both parts of the brain in a harmonic and sane way). Most importantly don't feel ashamed to show my emotions to others, it's tough it's not very encouraged in this society I guess to show vulnerability I got conditioned not to maybe.

Thanks!

[ajasatya]

@David Turcot you have absorbed toxic values from your culture. i bet you have fucked up beliefs about what interesting women value in a man.

first of all, drop porn AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

[BobbyLowell]

@David Turcot hey thats actually a problem, the affirmation you do. our mind skips over it when we include a not in an affirmation. you have to make it "I am completely independent of the positive or negative opinions of others" that might have actually been adding to your problem.

[David Turcot]

Haha I thought maybe you would Say this:)