My dad

[Charlotte]

I never thought I'd write this but here goes.

I'm allowing my dad to trigger me, he's utterly selfish, self centered, drowning in ego and delusional. He preaches self actualisation and Christianity but he couldn't be more further from the truth. He's utterly delusional, honestly. 

Sick to death of him telling me how my own mother's mind works. He analyses her behaviour, tells me what her faults are and makes himself victim. I've tried pointing out to him that he needs to self reflect but he's so adamant he "knows himself". I've also tried to gently point out to him that he cannot tell me how other people process their own emotions ? (my mum). He tries to manipulate people's language/thinking to suit his own agenda, it's absurd!

My mum had a mental breakdown around 15 years ago and he blames there relationship difficulties on her 'illness', no sorry pal, once again another example of his super power to distract and deflect. 

It's gotten to the point where these issues are for the first time ever, effecting our relationship, whenever I point out (gently) to self reflect it's met with complete resistance from him and then pure silence, it's getting to a point that it's just awkward. 

Any ideas? ? I'm lost with it. 

[NoSelfSelf]

Dont bother self reflection is something that few can do its scary and living a lie is easy(but not really) you cant change someone its a lost battle...

[Charlotte]

@NoSelfSelf Thanks for your reply. 

If this was a friend I would of cut them off. It's repetitive bs. It's my dad though. Just going to keep my opinions to myself with regards to anything he says, sit there and smile. 

[Mirror of Confusion]

@Charlotte Did you try "The Work" by Byron Katie? Seems like you would benefit from practicing her teachings on your dad. The work often helps when you think that other people SHOULD change in some way or the other. Should he change?

[Charlotte]

@Mirror of Confusion  I haven't. I'll look into this thanks. 

The reasons he needs to change is simply for my mother's well-being, nothing else. She is suffering. If it wasn't affecting anyone else I wouldn't be bothered.

[RendHeaven]

Knowing the rest of this forum, most people will tell you that he is what he is and that you should simply ~be aware~ because everything is ONE and there's no distinction between you and your dad!!1! (or they might just be like "fuck that guy")

Since I have a similarly delusional, egotistical dad, I'll try to give more "practical" advice. Beware though that you most likely know the answer to your problems already. Rarely are you blown away by new insights here. Chances are, you come to this forum seeking empathy and to feel as if you aren't alone in your struggles. I do it all the time!

Level 1 solution: Focus on yourself.

If your dad is really draining you emotionally by being a butt, I suggest minimizing interaction with him. You absolutely CANNOT self actualize while you have an egoic maniac screeching at you from the side. Trust me. You just can't. Just imagine trying to see how ~everything is one~ while your dad is doing his usual shenanigans. Impossible. Put yourself together first, I'm assuming you're not perfect.  Do the usual, eat healthy, work out, meditate, read a book or two. Sit by yourself and contemplate your predicament. When interacting with your dad, be polite but brief. Don't linger. Don't clash egos either. Talk to your mom. This one is huge. When one parent is a lunatic, it seems to be the case that the other parent generally will be more open to you because they feel the same helplessness. Little by little you'll grow stronger. Bond with your mother. Form something solid there so that the two of you at least have each other. Your dad may see this and change the way he treats you, or (more likely) he will just get more aggressive. If that happens, just cut him off more. Don't deal with his bullshit.

This is the tactic I used while I was in high school, worked well for me. However, keep in mind that I had the luxury of not interacting with my dad that much because he worked rather late, and on the weekends I could just leave the house. Some people are more tied down in which case this advice wouldn't really work.

Level 1,000,000 solution: Be a saint.

Your dad is the way he is because he is hurt. Your dad is the way he is because he's sad but unable to cry for help. Your dad is the way he is because it's the only way in which he knows how to cry for help. Imagine every time he bursts out in anger, or makes an arrogant comment, that deep deep down, the angel in him is screaming out "someone, anyone PLEASE help me... love me...I feel so alone..." Then, imagine that these screams are muffled by a more twisted version of himself which just goes "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I DON'T NEED LOVE EVERYTHING IS FINE" and that steps all over the little angel in him and consequently possesses him.

Just imagine, for a second, that that's his reality. If he were to ever sit still and deeply reflect, that is what he will find. I know this because I've been there!! (to a lesser extent) In my first relationship ever, I became highly controlling, angry, manipulative. Granted, I didn't know what I was doing, and I had a serious case of jealously, but regardless, the way I acted was exactly as you describe. What did I really want? Love. It's that simple. That's all I ever wanted from my girlfriend, but of course I was too prideful to say "I feel unloved." Rather, I would burst out in anger, or make her feel like she did something wrong all the while NOT SAYING THAT I FEEL UNLOVED. Dear god I swear this is the key to all angry men, lol. If you are able to, it would serve you really well for the rest of your life if you interpret every outburst by a male as "I feel unloved, please love me."

Now, that doesn't mean you just love him and that's that. It's way more complicated. But If you are going to take this alternate solution here then the first step is to acknowledge that he is hurt and that he is crying for help and love. OF COURSE he will make it seem like love is the last thing he wants. In fact, I bet if you asked him he would say love is completely unnecessary. That being said, step into his shoes for 2 seconds. When do you think is the last time he heard the words "I love you." When do you think is the last time he felt deeply respected or worthwhile? If he's in his 50s, it might even be decades, in which case it's really no surprise that he is the way he is. 

Tell him you love him. But really mean it. Find something, anything about him that's remotely lovable. For me, it happened during a fight I had with my dad where I straight up told my dad that "hey, I feel unloved right now and I've always felt that way too." I didn't say it aggressively, I didn't say it to spite him, I just said it the way I really felt. Immediately, his character changed and he said (probably for the first time ever, really) that he loves me. Then we both cried. Lol. After that, my dad didn't really change that much but I could distinctly see his vulnerable side and that he really does have a heart. At least I could love that. He would still run around being a complete dickhead, but at least he was human and not some sort of caricature.

I haven't fully embodied this advice myself, but the "be a saint" method simply involves realizing his suffering, realizing his needs, seeing though his bullshit and finding a way to love him. If you REALLY love him, then he will have no choice but to love you back.

NO SHIT when you point out that he needs to self reflect, he gets upset. THAT'S NOT WHAT HE WANTS TO HEAR. HE WANTS TO HEAR "I LOVE YOU." Does this mean you hide your resentment and pretend it's all hearts and rainbows? No. If he's being a piece of shit, politely tell him so. But you have to find that love one way or another or this issue will NEVER resolve itself. Here's something to try... "Hey dad, you really need to self reflect more ...but I love you either way"

In the end, you can really do whatever you want. The first solution is much easier and it's much more practical (in the short term). If you're at spiral dynamics stage orange you can easily pull it off. However, it's more or less a band aid. On his death bed, your dad will be bitter and most likely you will harbor resentment for him to his dying breath. The second solution is the real solution. If you can pull it off, your dad just might die with something to smile about. It's a MASSIVE burden on you, however. He will throw all the shit in the world at you and you will have to interpret all of it as "Help! Please love me!" That isn't easy. For now, I suggest you try the first solution, but keep the second one in the back of your mind. Good luck!

Edited August 5, 2018 by RendHeaven

[Charlotte]

@Outer I'll quote this to him, thanks for that dude! Awesome by the way. 

@Joseph Maynor  Joseph I have called him out on his shit, even my mum has but she has literally given up, he twists and turns things round to like I said, to suit his own agenda and it's just a boring cycle, it becomes eye rolling and you start to realise your better off keeping your mouth shut to conserve your own energy and not waste your own breath. I've been where he is, I remember saying myself just this time two years ago "I know myself", so I know exactly what kind of trap he is in. They are going counselling and from my own personal experience, the therapist helped point out my own BS so I'm hoping he/she will do the same for him. Who knows. 

@RendHeaven Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences and advice. 

I'll quickly run through it. Me and mum have a beautiful relationship, we are very close, this is how I know so much about what's going on. I see her suffering and can see her pain. My dad doesn't live with me so I'm okay in that department. He isn't aggressive, he doesn't shout if I'm honest. 

Apart from this obstruction in the road me and my dad do have a beautiful relationship, we're always telling each other we love each other, that's why this is so upsetting because for the first time, I feel, our relationship has been shaken a little. 

I might be completely completely wrong but I'll say my personal opinion (my mum agrees also) my Dad hide's behind his faith, he uses it as a psychological crutch and as a distraction to his own behaviour. I see his current behaviour as his shadow he needs to face and integrate, I see a lost man if I'm honest. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I feel deeply sorry for him because of this massive red herring he calls religion, he might not agree, actually he would firmly correct me but I feel it's guided him further away from himself.

We don't clash ego's when we talk, I suggest something, he questions me/corrects me, I answer with another question for him to ask himself, he shakes his head, rolls his eyes and walks off, we don't confront each other. When he rolls his eyes and walks off I see that as pure resistance. I can see he isnt willing to introspect so I then keep my mouth shut because I'm not wasting anymore breath. 

Thanks again so so much for your replies ?

[Samra]

I have tried helping my parents. But instead, I became so judgmental, harsh and aggressive towards them. The problem is, we have this notion that parents are invisible adults. But the truth is, they are just another hurt human being, who just want to be accepted. When children don't accept their parents, it really really hurts. And they can't change that way. Believe me. If they could, you wouldn't have had these problems.

Just be the loving space they need as much as possible. You will have your moments of course. That is okay. You will see better results that way. Remember, You only have one mother and one father in this world. Don't treat them in a way that will bring you regret.

[Charlotte]

@Samra Thank you for that beautiful reminder lovely. I'll take your advice ?