The fear of intimacy is preventing me from having abundance in my life

[SenshiAna]

While searching about self improvement, relationship and emotional work, I realized the things that are preventing me to really establish deep connections with other people is fear of intimacy.

We go on day after day using this mask that is made to protect us from being seen for what we truly stand for. Also, we put in our heads the belief that if a friendship or a love attachment cools itself than it's for the better, and it means it is not meant to last - so it's better to let go.

So, we end up being restricted to our daily relations that are built on the masks we wear and not for our true self. We limit ourselves to show only what people would most likely accept, and not for who we really are. In fact, I also realized in my personal experience that when I do show my true self to someone and that person shows appreciation for it, the feelings is so unusual and overwhelming that I end up closing my self. So, even when I receive, I don't know how to be grateful, and end up not trusting the offer and the person's intentions.

Also, it's very funny and at the same time frightening how this fear also happens in other areas of my life (work, school, family, finances,... ). One can say the fear of intimacy and of deep love takes the form of fear of success and control. In sum, it is altogether fear of abundance. 

I did some shadow work, to understand what is the core belief that is preventing me from accepting abundance. I've found episodes with my family and friends where I felt unaccepted for my true feelings, where I was laughed at and punished for being who I was, and for speaking my mind. I suffered from being me, I was bullied at school and eventually I felt like nothing I did could change the way I felt and the way people treated me. Every smile people gave me, every approval of my ideas, all the generosity I received was not worth it... and it was only to ask for favors in return. I ended up not being able to trust anyone, or in any situation. And as life goes by, it's as if the same emotion is present in what is unfolding in front of me.

This is not making me any good... In fact, it never did. Now I would like to change my situation...

So... what to do? Is anyone in here that relates to this too?

[daing]

2 hours ago, SenshiAna said:

"So, we end up being restricted to our daily relations that are built on the masks we wear and not for our true self. We limit ourselves to show only what people would most likely accept, and not for who we really are."   

I think I understand what you are saying and I found myself doing this constantly after moving to/living in a foreign country.  At first, I found it extremely disturbing, but lately I have began to move past it.

Can you explain more of what you are specifically dealing with?

 

[Jecht Spencer]

Keep staying congruent to who you are as a person. If someone is stepping into you with beef establish a clear boundary that you are not ok with someone being mean/rude/etc...

In terms of judging a persons intentions a good rule of thumb is to follow your gut. 

I have the same problem as you. I oft time wear a mask because my true self can be quite disturbing at times.

 

The thing is that there really is a group of people for everyone...  you just need to find them.

Like the old saying goes "It is better to have been loved and lost than never to have been loved at all."

Take the mask off the best you possibly can. It may be hard at first but you already have the distinct understanding that the mask is killing you. Best to let it go before you forget what it is like to be perfectly inperfectly 100% you. Good luck.

Edited February 8, 2016 by Jecht Spencer

[Ayla]

Fear of intimacy can be the byproduct of an "invisibility vow" you took as a child. 

Look into it. It helped me. 

[xauroragoddessx]

I also have this fear of intimacy. I really understand where you're coming from. I'm currently still dealing with this fear and its so overwhelming at times that it can become a panic attack. I would have to just take 5 minutes out to calm myself with deep breaths. I've also been working on going with in to understand myself. If you want to talk more then I'm willing to listen so you aren't alone also.

[Pallero]

I had this too and still have to some extent. But I've gotten over the worst of it and I am in an intimate relationship now.

It's extremely common to be afraid to be yourself around people and it's even scarier to reveal your innermost secrets, desires and fears to somebody else. It requires strength, courage and deep trust. And there's always more intimacy, more that you can do, more to be afraid of. The journey never ends.

The best thing you can do is work from where you are now, which is what you are already doing. Are you seeking out shallow relationships and avoiding deep ones? That's normal. The more intimate moments will come and when they do, try to be a little mindful. Notice the fear, the anxiety and the panic. Tell yourself that it's OK. You are working on it.

It's not easy but believe me that some day you will look back and be very proud of yourself.

From what you have written, you are already working on it and on the right path. Be patient. Accept that there's a lot of pain ahead and none of it means that there's something wrong with you. Pain is the sign of learning and change.

[A way to Actualize]

We have experiences in our past that causes the fear of intimacy. I had this too, but it is easily cured. The fastest and easiest way is self-love. Matt Kahn is recommend. He teaches how to apply it into your life. Because of the constant state in self-love, the body unwrappes the experiences. When your heart opens up, you open up witout fear. You will be intimate with yourself and other with you, with no fear present. This souds kind of vague, but with watching his vids, your eyes will open up. I experienced the effects. From fear for intimacy to being fearless and having fun with being intimate and shameless for sensitivity.

[SenshiAna]

There are a lot of replies, I will try to address every one of them. Thank you, you guys are wonderful!  

On 07/02/2016 at 6:48 PM, daing said:

Can you explain more of what you are specifically dealing with?

@daing So, ever since I can remember I felt I could relate to people only half-way. I even was in a 7 year relationship, an emotional and sexually abusive one, and since the very beginning of it (the first and the second year, maybe?) I felt like this person wasn't going to make me happy. I kind of let myself go, since this seed inside of my brain was growing and was telling me I wouldn't find anyone better. So, I should count my blessings. I have been single since 2 and a half years ago (I ended the commitment myself) and it's been a real roller-coaster of emotions and self knowing.

Anyway, what's making me really want to get over this is a crush I've developed with a friend. We've known each other since before my relationship with this other guy, and my friend always had this kind of aura around him.... I can't explain, but something kept me looking up to him, even during my relationship. We started to approach each other more one and a half years ago at a time when I had passed "the slutty" phase, but was really trying to be best self and to just be. When he started inviting me to be around him, and talking more with me I didn't see his sweet gestures in a romantic way. But when I did notice this was turning into romance, the ideia of being with him became overwhelmingly good... and it started to scare me. We've been seeing each other almost every week since then - we now share some projects together - but nothing sexual happened, nor even a kiss. What I felt was that I had this walls around me, and since I was like that, he also became more difficult to read. I had issues to settle with my parents (I'm still working on it) and many blocks that prevent me from falling hard with him.

As for the situation right now: I got tired of the game, back and forward kind of love. So I confronted him, only to get rejected. I did invite him out a couple of weeks before that conversation, but when he accepted I became overwhelmed with the feeling and.... well, I just got out from the car, just like that. I guess he felt hurt by my behavior, so he acted like that, like "I've been hitting my head in the wrong tree, so I don't care anymore with how she feels"... But with the rejection he left an open door, by saying "this is a friendship.... for now" and now I am really trying to overcome this blocks and staying the best version of myself, always. I ended up opening a lot more to him, and he also showed concern with me, for rejecting me. I feel closer to him than ever!

On 08/02/2016 at 1:13 AM, Jecht Spencer said:

Keep staying congruent to who you are as a person. (...) In terms of judging a persons intentions a good rule of thumb is to follow your gut. (...)

@Jecht Spencer This is one thing I am doing Jecht... I kept telling my love adventures to everyone, as if I was looking for approval. But I guess everyone has his own issues, and I ended up having more than 10 possibilities to act, only to now follow any of them.... because none of them was MINE. After being rejected, I tried to figure out how I felt.... I felt blame. I felt like this was my doing, for not being able to just flow with the moment. He is very reserved too, I guess he needs some assurance from me.... that I wasn't doing because I felt very insecure and very lost... and when he did make advances, I felt overwhelmed with the feeling, so I closed more. In the end, I felt like I didn't give him the respect he deserves. Do, I figured out I didn't want to shut him - which, BTW, is what 90% of my friends tell me to do.

On 08/02/2016 at 2:22 AM, Ayla said:

Fear of intimacy can be the byproduct of an "invisibility vow" you took as a child. Look into it. It helped me. 

@Ayla thank you! I didn't think of that one, and it may be one of the vows I took as a child. I was ugly and whenever I revealed my true feelings I felt like everyone made fun of them. Now that you've mentioned that thought, I remember thinking "please don't see me, please don't talk to me" in several occasions! How did you deal with it?

The following thoughts were formed during my childhood:

• I am not enough;
• I will never be understood;
• I won't receive what I want, so I must be content with what I get;
• I will always be bullied, so I must make favors to have friends;
• I must always be aware with how I behave, I must be a good girl. Someone's watching;
• My needs are pathetic;
• I am always alone. I will always be like that;
• I am not loved.
• The only love I receive is given when I am a good girl, because that's what my parent's do. If I am myself, my mother punishes me. So I must be a good girl.

.... the list goes on and on. This actually influences every aspect of my entire life! School, work, family, friendships, love life. I would be ok with this of this was in tune with my intuition... and it isn't. I end up feeling unfulfilled and regret not doing a handful of things.

On 08/02/2016 at 8:18 AM, xauroragoddessx said:

I also have this fear of intimacy. I really understand where you're coming from. I'm currently still dealing with this fear and its so overwhelming at times that it can become a panic attack. I would have to just take 5 minutes out to calm myself with deep breaths. I've also been working on going with in to understand myself. If you want to talk more then I'm willing to listen so you aren't alone also.

@xauroragoddessx, PM?

On 08/02/2016 at 9:07 AM, Pallero said:

(...) The best thing you can do is work from where you are now, which is what you are already doing. Are you seeking out shallow relationships and avoiding deep ones? (...) From what you have written, you are already working on it and on the right path. Be patient. Accept that there's a lot of pain ahead and none of it means that there's something wrong with you. Pain is the sign of learning and change.

@PalleroNot just that Pallero. I am trying to reveal more even with the relationships I consider shallow. I really believe we are the ones to build deep relationships, they don't really land on own lap. I am still astonished with the amount of knowledge I've gained in the last year, more or less the time I started personal development - when I took the MBTI personality test. This has been life changing, and I don't intend to stop here! 

On 08/02/2016 at 10:47 AM, A way to Actualize said:

We have experiences in our past that causes the fear of intimacy. I had this too, but it is easily cured. The fastest and easiest way is self-love. Matt Kahn is recommend. He teaches how to apply it into your life. Because of the constant state in self-love, the body unwrapped the experiences. When your heart opens up, you open up without fear. You will be intimate with yourself and other with you, with no fear present. This sounds kind of vague, but with watching his vids, your eyes will open up. I experienced the effects. From fear for intimacy to being fearless and having fun with being intimate and shameless for sensitivity.

@A way to Actualize Matt Kahn? I'm going to look into it! Do you know Teal Swan (or Teal Scott)? She has a youtube channel, and two books on self love. I follow her weekly video - as I do with Leo's. Leo speaks with a more scientific and rational perspective, Teal is a spiritualist. But in one of her videos she told the following exercise:

When making a decision, think always in this question: "What would someone who loves him/her self do?" The answer is the first thought that pops into your mind. Mark on the calendar today's date, and do this every single day, and occasion, for a whole year. After that, you won't be able to make decisions in other way!

I hope you find this exercise useful! <3

Edited February 10, 2016 by SenshiAna
Formatting and added more info.

[SenshiAna]

About this issue, I've found this article.

 

http://lightwayofthinking.com/avoider-mentality-and-fear-of-intimacy/

[Niki]

On 8. 2. 2016. at 3:56 PM, SenshiAna said:

 Matt Kahn? I'm going to look into it! Do you know Teal Swan (or Teal Scott)? She has a youtube channel, and two books on self love. I follow her weekly video - as I do with Leo's. Leo speaks with a more scientific and rational perspective, Teal is a spiritualist. But in one of her videos she told the following exercise:

When making a decision, think always in this question: "What would someone who loves him/her self do?" The answer is the first thought that pops into your mind. Mark on the calendar today's date, and do this every single day, and occasion, for a whole year. After that, you won't be able to make decisions in other way!

I hope you find this exercise useful! <3

Have you or has anyone else tried this exercise Teal Swan suggested in practice? I tried it and it frustrated me that every time I asked myself this question about the same thing, I got a different answer. I tend to doubt my decisions a lot so whenever doubt popped up, I asked the question again and got a different answer. I don't know if that is normal or not. ? I found it frustrating. My emotions tend to change fast, perhaps that has something to do with it? Anyway I stopped doing it because I saw no point, I still had shifts in my decision making.

[SenshiAna]

5 hours ago, Niki said:

Have you or has anyone else tried this exercise Teal Swan suggested in practice? I tried it and it frustrated me that every time I asked myself this question about the same thing, I got a different answer. I tend to doubt my decisions a lot so whenever doubt popped up, I asked the question again and got a different answer. I don't know if that is normal or not. ? I found it frustrating. My emotions tend to change fast, perhaps that has something to do with it? Anyway I stopped doing it because I saw no point, I still had shifts in my decision making.

@Niki Sometimes it works wonderfully, sometimes I get some doubts. But she did say we need to get the head out from the way, because that's resistance. She really believes all the answers are deep inside ourselves. The truth is, I often find out I act better with my intuition than thinking and overthinking stuff. 

What happens with me, sometimes, is I end up making decisions thinking I am listening to my intuition, but I am only listening to my mind. So I end up making moves and decisions based on prejudice and bad beliefs thinking it's my inner self speaking. I still need to work on that... 

Edited February 10, 2016 by SenshiAna

[Natalya]

@daing

@daing

I've been living in the US for over 18 years and still can't understand the mask-driven mentalitly. 

[Niki]

10 hours ago, SenshiAna said:

@Niki Sometimes it works wonderfully, sometimes I get some doubts. But she did say we need to get the head out from the way, because that's resistance. She really believes all the answers are deep inside ourselves. The truth is, I often find out I act better with my intuition than thinking and overthinking stuff. 

What happens with me, sometimes, is I end up making decisions thinking I am listening to my intuition, but I am only listening to my mind. So I end up making moves and decisions based on prejudice and bad beliefs thinking it's my inner self speaking. I still need to work on that... 

Same here, I better act with my intuition. Yet I am not always sure "who is running the show" in a way, I easily slip into deceiving myself because I overthink it.

[Vlad Sandu]

I do relate to this. I actually work myself out to get rid of it. It could be ereditary, or from your parents. I know that I had a lot of problems as a child because of my parents and family issues.

My belief is that, this forum and you guys can help one another, moving on!

[SenshiAna]

@Niki yes... That's a smart way to say it, "not sure who runs the show". Also, sometimes I forget life isn't inside my head, and put myself in autopilot mode, while living in my head. I can't name all the dangerous and unpleasent situations i've been through because of this small fact about myself. I have to remind myself constantly that life isn't lived in my head. And the more insecure I get, the worse. It becomes an excape...

@Vlad Sandu, it's a struggle not having our childhood define us, we are much more than that. We are what we are at each minute of our lifes! It's no use to push the pause button and dive in my head when what's livable is what is in front of me... But this is scary!

Edited February 11, 2016 by SenshiAna

[Niki]

8 hours ago, SenshiAna said:

@Niki yes... That's a smart way to say it, "not sure who runs the show". Also, sometimes I forget life isn't inside my head, and put myself in autopilot mode, while living in my head. I can't name all the dangerous and unpleasent situations i've been through because of this small fact about myself. I have to remind myself constantly that life isn't lived in my head. And the more insecure I get, the worse. It becomes an excape...

I feel you. I am a hardcore introvert as well. Thank you for sharing that. That's why I know the biggest shifts I can make are by setting and conquering goals that are measurable. It gives you tremendous power over yourself!

[daing]

On 2/11/2016 at 3:37 AM, Natalya said:

@daing

@daing

I've been living in the US for over 18 years and still can't understand the mask-driven mentalitly. 

@Natalya

Keep in mind, I am speaking of this mask concept in a cultural sense.

Individuals have their own individual biases, and cultures as individual groups, so to speak, have their own culture based biases.

Edited February 12, 2016 by daing
Added @ tag