Dealing with Vulernability

[Deano]

How can you work on overcoming fear of being vulnerable?

background:

In a 3+ year relationship and she has seen me go from die hard orange capitalist, to my strong focus on seeking truth in life. It must be a lot to live with someone going through such drastic change... but having that close relationship helps give me perspective on areas of growth that I am blind to. One of those I think we have identified is my aversion to be vulnerable. 

This came most to light through my recent disinterest in sex. She can’t help but think that it is something she is doing... “I’m not hot enough”, “I’m not sexy enough”, “he doesn’t find me attractive”, “are you gay?”, are all common concerns that she expresses to me. Now, she is beautiful, and I’m pretty damn sure I’m not attracted to men... so that makes me think that there is some underlying fear with having sex with my partner. I have no problem being naked in front of her, and she has already had an abortion once during our relationship. So this all makes me think that there is something about being sexually vulnerable... if that is a thing.. and that carry’s over into being vulnerable in other areas of my life. 

I am curious if other people have identified this in themselves and how you guys have worked to overcome this “fear”?

[Leo-Tzu]

I personally haven't tried a relationship longer than a year but from my close friends i've heard they lose some sexual interest (from 3-4 times a week to 1-2) and compensate it with more spiritual bonding. You have to self inquiry and find out i guess .. . . .

[Spiral]

Well do you masterbate? Watch porn?

[Gabriel Antonio]

19 hours ago, Deano said:

to my strong focus on seeking truth in life

Make sure this is an authentic desire -- not a spiritual bypass. 

 

19 hours ago, Deano said:

there is something about being sexually vulnerable... if that is a thing.. and that carry’s over into being vulnerable in other areas of my life. 

Maybe it's the other way around. 

 

19 hours ago, Deano said:

One of those I think we have identified is my aversion to be vulnerable. 

As Leo put it, "to be more of a man, be more of a girl."

 

Vulnerability = exposing yourself emotionally.

First, make sure that, in your case, your partner is emphatic and understanding. Second, take baby-steps. Don't try to share your darkest secrets and fears all at once.  

 

For more, I recommend the book "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead," by Brené Brown. Some quotes from the book:

 

Remember: take baby-steps. 

Edited August 4, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio

[Deano]

@Spiral sometimes

[Deano]

@Gabriel Antonio thanks for the thought. Questions: what do you mean by spiritual bypass and authentic desire? Also do you mean that my fear of being vulnerable in my daily life may be causing me to mitigate other places in my life where I am more in control of my level of vulnerability? Like my sexual activity?

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Deano This is from Wikipedia: 

Spiritual bypassing is a "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks".

4 hours ago, Deano said:

Also do you mean that my fear of being vulnerable in my daily life may be causing me to mitigate other places in my life where I am more in control of my level of vulnerability? Like my sexual activity?

Maybe. What do you think?

[SgtPepper]

You're scared of exposing yourself. See a therapist/sex therapist or take some LSD.