Pretty hard seeing-throughs

[Nadosa]

Ive just had another moment of awareness, putting things into perspective. It feels like in daily life I am caught up in an pseudo-awakened alter ego and totally clouded, totally filled with concepts and beliefs, so clouded that it makes me depressed. An ego with stories around awakening, feelings and experiences that are clearly mind filtered. That is the default state of my mind. I begin doubting, feeling like I just pretend things happened a certain way when they actually were just mind-distorted so I could put them into words. I look at this self and it is so far away from reality. It makes me absurdly sad, very very sad looking how deep I fell. And yet I am still unconsciously always caught up in it. Pls take me out of it, this realization is very heartbreaking somehow. I have already had such realization where I cried because I realized how unconsciously deep I fell without even noticing it driving me to the point of thinking about suicide. This poor soul just didnt know it better because it got dragged away in the mind's stream of stories.

That is probably the reason I have no clear sense of self - it is so clouded and manipulated by the mind.

Edited August 3, 2018 by Nadosa

[MrDmitriiV]

Are you caught up in mind loops? If yes, just do concentration meditation and with enough practice the mind's shit won't affect you as much. 

[Nadosa]

Well, not just mind loops, but an false-story based identity made up by the mind aka the Ego.

[MrDmitriiV]

@Nadosa Before getting at peace with your Ego you need to be emotionally stable to proceed to more powerful ways (psychedelics, kriya yoga, self-iquiry, purge-meditation (sitting without moving a finger for hours...)). I understand that there are other things which bother you, but you have to start with the basics/start small and grow gradually.

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Maybe stop talking about awakening...might be feeding into over thinking...just do the practices, and focus on breathing from your stomach 24/7. Thoughts will slow down and eventually stop. 

[ajasatya]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa Maybe stop talking about awakening...might be feeding into over thinking...just do the practices, and focus on breathing from your stomach 24/7. Thoughts will slow down and eventually stop. 

this is so true. that's why we don't talk about enlightenment/awakening in zen monasteries. in fact, nobody is supposed to talk during retreats! it's all about practice. there's nothing to become enlightened. there's just practice. 24/7 practice.

[Nadosa]

On 3.8.2018 at 0:23 PM, Nahm said:

@Nadosa Maybe stop talking about awakening...might be feeding into over thinking...just do the practices, and focus on breathing from your stomach 24/7. Thoughts will slow down and eventually stop. 

I want to feel Love and trust for my body again. I feel like I cant trust anything (probably due to first awakening experiences). Focusing in the body and on the breath makes the mind active as soon as I start. Now that I know how little control I have, I have to know how regain a sense of control over my body back. It feels like I am not even this body at times. It is an estranger I pretend to be connected to, no connection, awful body mind flow. The cause is the story which has plagued me forever now and disrupted the trust and connection to my body, whenever I focus on the body, questions and assumptions come up how it is still here (again maybe due to awakening, people confirm having felt the same),  that it is nothing to trust, and I just cant somehow let those mind stories go and refocus - it feels uncomortable to have this questions in the first place. No one should have them and those thoughts clearly show that there is energy stuck imo.

I just dont have this secure anchor which makes it very difficult at times.

Edited August 5, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Well, the ego hates silence & practices, but that’s exactly how and why they work so well. 

[blazed]

25 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa Well, the ego hates silence & practices, but that’s exactly how and why they work so well. 

This.

I'll add the more the silence and boredom burns (like you just want to give up) the more you sit through that the better, and more progress you''ll make.

So if 1 hour becomes easy try 2 hours and so forth. (if your lifestyle allows)

[Nahm]

@blazed Who dis?

 

 

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