The devil is real, the ego is that, Leos on the money

[Voyager]

Hi friends, my experience a few days ago.

I took 200mg of MDMA and I felt my heart chakra open. I felt fear rising, I sat with it until it popped. It felt like i'd processed a block holding me back for ages. Then It felt like my field expanded very far around my body. My friend and I put on some music and it was just so beautiful. We took 2 tabs of LSD, 240ug 2 hours later. We joined hands and meditated and went into Samadhi. It was so beautiful. I felt our energies colliding and merging. The vibration was very fast and everything went white. We died together. He was me. I heard My friend say "be the hero of your story" (choose enlightenment), and I recall at some point the mind kicked back in. There was this little decision point "click" The heavenly space immediately started to contract and I had a sick feeling. I felt like I was going to hell. I saw my friends body distort like a devil. The terror and dread was so extreme. I realised I'd fucked up completely. I'd somehow made the choice to fall from grace, to fall from heaven. I realised that being an ego was being the devil, to separate from God. Eventually I said to him, It's my story, And I lifted myself out of sinking toward Hell. I lied down and felt all the layers of my Ego starting to reassert itself and torture me with Sin. I felt the shame and burden of all of humanity and I was everyone, and I hadn't been able to stay one with God. The layers haunted me as they started to zip back into my being, wrap me up, layer by layer. I felt the fear layer back in, that haunting experience merged with my Ego. My mind was so confused, I was sure that my psyche was far too scattered to ever reassemble the reality that I had once known. I was very surprised to find myself back in the reality that I had left.

My intention was for emotional healing. To feel what there is to be felt. To process the feelings and release them for the well being of all. My intention was also to reconnect with God, to have that feeling that I am always supported. I was left feeling without any purpose again. Nihilistic , confused, felt like I'd fucked up my one chance for enlightenment. Now 2 days later I have the courage to be able to write this but my experience is more difficult to describe. There must be some growth that came out of that. I did not want to embark on that journey but I felt it was time as it had been a year since my last enlightenment experience where I'd broken through to Nothingness with my body intact and seen right through reality. The chakras had progressively unlocked over the course of the 6 hours or so. This time it was different because I'd already been processing being nothing for the last year, and I felt like I had a healthier ego out of it, and becoming far more aligned to my values , strengths and listening to intuition. I've made some massive changes, like leaving my job and starting a new career and about to travel India for a year. This time I died as an Ego and I was rebirthed. I realised why Indian culture they burn the Body at Varanasi to stop the Rebirth. It is literally being sent to Hell being reborn into an Ego.

Still today life feels much better, different to yesterday. Guess I'm used to being SELFish again. I notice that I'm more in tune with Energy than before. I guess another learning is that I do create my reality but I'm not stuck in what I create, even if it's hellish. Enlightenment seems so far away, the direct experience is so challenging compared to conceptualization of it. 

Leo how can you possibly love being mind fucked?!

[Leo Gura]

Sounds like you got some inner demons to work out.

The point of tripping is not to trip once, but to trip and contemplate consistently. Whatever fears you've got need working through.

Rather than playing around with a friend, next time, sit quietly and contemplate reality.

Don't take the devil thing too seriously. The devil is not other than God.

[Voyager]

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo. This work is so challenging. I envy your strength.  I don't know how I can muster the strength and courage to go so deep again. Being tortured, defeated, failing God, and dragged toward Hell has no words that can be written to explain it. Not knowing who you are and having absolutely no grounding and struggling to feel supported and loved by God makes it even harder. I suppose the fact that "I'm back" shows that I am still loved. 

[Nahm]

@Voyager I get the impression you might not be aware you’re adding an unnecessary sense of urgency, critical importance, and universe sized pressure on yourself with your awakening. 

Like you’re building a house, with a mindset you’ll only be happy once it’s built, so there’s no enjoyment in the process of building the house.

Once it’s build though, you’ll see there is no point but the enjoyment of whatever you’re doing, right now, wether that’s watching an ant, or solving world hunger. The mind creeps in assigning meaning to everything, and all that meaning is relative to the ego. 

This is the very nature of the awakening you’re pursuing. Every moment, everything actually is ok. You’ll study, you’ll do fine, etc. 

Also, back to back psychedelics the same day might be taking a toll on you - and you’ll go way deeper alone than with someone, even if they’re awesome to be with. 

[Leo Gura]

12 hours ago, Voyager said:

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo. This work is so challenging. I envy your strength.  I don't know how I can muster the strength and courage to go so deep again. Being tortured, defeated, failing God, and dragged toward Hell has no words that can be written to explain it. Not knowing who you are and having absolutely no grounding and struggling to feel supported and loved by God makes it even harder. I suppose the fact that "I'm back" shows that I am still loved. 

The ego likes to make a big epic struggle out of awakening. Stay mindful of how you're playing up the drama. It isn't necessary. You can trip calmly in a very pleasant yet profound way.

Every trip is unique.

One trip doesn't really say much.

Do 30 trips and then you'll have a decent sense of the terrain and where you stand.

P.S. It sounds like your dose was way too high. Stay at 125ug of LSD (1 tab) for now. Blasting your mind with psychedelic overdoses is counter-productive. You want to find a comfortable dose where you are able to contemplate and still remember.

[Voyager]

@Nahm Thanks Nahm for your wisdom. I was watching the birds outside today and felt at peace. I realised that I have this sinking feeling of not having enough time, that I will run out of time to awaken, and i will have failed. I enjoy life the most when I just relax and Be. Slowing down does help me a lot, and having this grand life purpose to awaken all of humanity does stress me on some levels as it feels of ultimate importance.  As you say perhaps it matters not whether it's watching the ant or solving world hunger, however any of these things that are within the content of Maya, makes me feel like it is important to some degree to transcend and become Brahman itself. I suppose if time is infinite i should not concern myself so much. It's just that in my story,  i have a limited time to wake humanity before the very grounding (planet) that we inhabit starts to fall apart, like a car that's been pushed past red line for 50 years too many, peices of the car are flying off, and there's not much of an engine left. I like the birds. I want to continue watching them. 

[Voyager]

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo. Perhaps the dose was more than I needed to do the work that I was looking to do. In the grand scheme of things I am still a newbie to the experiences, around 5 mushroom trips and 3 LSD trips. I found the mushrooms quite pleasant the times that I used them in smaller dosages, probably because they didn't completely rip my paradigm of reality to shreds. I remember just laughing for hours one time and felt like I was the buddah himself, that was beautiful. That said i'm after emotional healing. How do you quality whether a trip has done for you what you had intended? What is your intention typically? Does it change from experience to experience? 

[Leo Gura]

@Voyager I find that trips don't require much thought. They know just what to give you. Just be mindful of dosage and set and setting.