I don't feel the same that my girlfriend does

[Santiago]

I love my girlfriend, we have been together for 9 months and I really like her and pretend to stay with her. 

But she feels like I am the man of her dreams, like she wants to spend her life with me, and many other cute things, and I don't feel the same back. I do love her a lot and want to be with her, but I can't project a life with her yet, I can't even project my career or my job future. I mean it's possible that in a year I am with another girl, because even tho she is really lovely I don't feel like she is my soulmate or something like that.

Yesterday she was really sad because she asked me about this and I didn't know what to say, I don't want to lie to her.. But the truth is that even tho I love her, I don't feel the same as her regarding spending my life with her or she being the love of my life, the special one, she is very special indeed but she wants to be my one and only forever or something like that.

 

What should I do? I don't want to break up with her, I love her and she is very special for me, but this seems like a big deal for her and I don't know how to handle it.

[SFRL]

You and this girl were going to break up already right? 

I am just thinking if you feel the need to keep making negative posts about your significant other then maybe it's just better to end it. 

I wouldn't want anyone I am with to start discussing all the ups and downs and juicy details of the relationship on a public forum. 

Edited August 3, 2018 by SFRL

[Prabhaker]

1 hour ago, Santiago said:

What should I do? I don't want to break up with her

Don't waste her time !

 

[Truth]

I hate to just post a video, but this is a complex issue and there's a lot of gold to be gotten from this, so watch it!

 

[aurum]

@Santiago

I had almost this exact same situation with one of my exs.

I was in the relationship because I basically just enjoyed being in it. We had a lot of fun. I wasn't looking for some sort of happily ever after.

3 hours ago, Santiago said:

Yesterday she was really sad because she asked me about this and I didn't know what to say,

If that's what you want, that's okay. You are allowed to have your own agenda. It's possible she might try to shame or guilt you into feeling otherwise. Because any guy who won't commit is a piece of shit with emotional issues, right?

Now let's look at solutions.

If she really wants the marriage stuff and you can't see that happening, it might just be better to cut it now. The longer you are together, the more you're both going to invest into the relationship and the harder it will be to breakup in the future.

It's also doing her a service in the long run. The sooner you guys breakup, the sooner she can find a guy who does want marriage.

That's really important for a woman because typically time is not on their side. Her looks are fading and her biological clock to have kids is ticking. By age 30 she's already pushing it, which means she should meet a guy by at latest 28-29 if she wants family and all that. It's still possible later, but science apparently says it's much harder.

So that's what I did in my situation. I just ended it and set her free to find someone else. She's got a new guy and they're living together now, worked out perfect.

The other thing you could do is just be completely honest with her. I don't see myself with you in that way. Maybe she changes her mind, or maybe she breaks up with you.

Either of those will work. Here are the two things you do NOT want to do:

1) Stay with her out of "obligation" because she got sad

2) Lie to her that you want something more, string her along for a couple years and then drop the bomb. That will be a fight you do not want to have.

As long as you don't do either of those, you should be good.

[Santiago]

19 hours ago, aurum said:

@Santiago

I had almost this exact same situation with one of my exs.

I was in the relationship because I basically just enjoyed being in it. We had a lot of fun. I wasn't looking for some sort of happily ever after.

If that's what you want, that's okay. You are allowed to have your own agenda. It's possible she might try to shame or guilt you into feeling otherwise. Because any guy who won't commit is a piece of shit with emotional issues, right?

Now let's look at solutions.

If she really wants the marriage stuff and you can't see that happening, it might just be better to cut it now. The longer you are together, the more you're both going to invest into the relationship and the harder it will be to breakup in the future.

It's also doing her a service in the long run. The sooner you guys breakup, the sooner she can find a guy who does want marriage.

That's really important for a woman because typically time is not on their side. Her looks are fading and her biological clock to have kids is ticking. By age 30 she's already pushing it, which means she should meet a guy by at latest 28-29 if she wants family and all that. It's still possible later, but science apparently says it's much harder.

So that's what I did in my situation. I just ended it and set her free to find someone else. She's got a new guy and they're living together now, worked out perfect.

The other thing you could do is just be completely honest with her. I don't see myself with you in that way. Maybe she changes her mind, or maybe she breaks up with you.

Either of those will work. Here are the two things you do NOT want to do:

1) Stay with her out of "obligation" because she got sad

2) Lie to her that you want something more, string her along for a couple years and then drop the bomb. That will be a fight you do not want to have.

As long as you don't do either of those, you should be good.

I do want to commit, I want to be with her and only her right now, and probably in the next months too, it's just that I don't know If I will feel the same in the future, in 6 months for example. 

She doesn't even want marriage or kids, she is like me in that we don't want babies or marriage, no fking way.

She just wants me to feel like she is the love of my life I think, if I interpreted her correctly, and I don't know if she is. I just know that I love her, I have fun with her, and I care for her a lot, I want her to be ok, and I want to be with her right now.
Why would I break up with a girl I am in love with?? no way.

I won't lie to her either, no way, I don't want to mislead her and hurt her.

 

This is a possibility: "The other thing you could do is just be completely honest with her. I don't see myself with you in that way. Maybe she changes her mind, or maybe she breaks up with you."
But I don't know how to say this to her, that I am not as fully convinced as she is about her being the love of my life, that I have doubts about the future...

[Leo Gura]

Sit down and have an honest conversation with her about your intentions towards her. Tell her you like her a lot, but that you don't feel she's "the one". You can suggest that you could still keep seeing each other, if she still wants. But now she will know how you feel and she will have more realistic expectations.

It will be heartbreaking for her, but it will better than stringing her along. And ultimately she should understand.

The key thing is that you aren't leading her on with false expectations.

[ExodiaGearCEO]

I was in a similar situation like you except I was with her for 2 years. I actually broke up with her instead of keep leading her on. I felt bad but know that it was the right decision. It has been a year since I had broke up with her but now she has a new boyfriend. It hurts to know that eventually she will move on and will forget about you. But you will learn more about yourself and grow from that relationship.

[Santiago]

On 13/8/2018 at 2:11 AM, Leo Gura said:

Sit down and have an honest conversation with her about your intentions towards her. Tell her you like her a lot, but that you don't feel she's "the one". You can suggest that you could still keep seeing each other, if she still wants. But now she will know how you feel and she will have more realistic expectations.

It will be heartbreaking for her, but it will better than stringing her along. And ultimately she should understand.

The key thing is that you aren't leading her on with false expectations.

Thanks Leo, never thought that you would answer my post, I appreciate it.
I already told her a couple times that I didn't have any projection for a life with her, that I just enjoyed being with her now, but couldn't see myself living with her, at least in the near future. The thing is that I am not sure if I would never do it, so I can't tell her "and it will never ever happen" because even I am unsure about that...

So I told her  that now I am ok with how things are and I don't have a projection with her, it doesn't come up..

Maybe this automatically means that she isn't the one, this is my first love so I don't know how these things work. We have many problems so how can I project myself? I am somehow hoping we will be better in the future, but maybe that's bs and it won't happen...

 

I am actually confused about my feelings towards her, I don't know what to think. The only fact I know is that right now I in no way would live with her and I can't project my life with her, we still have problems weekly and I don't like that.
 

On 13/8/2018 at 0:24 PM, ExodiaGearCEO said:

I was in a similar situation like you except I was with her for 2 years. I actually broke up with her instead of keep leading her on. I felt bad but know that it was the right decision. It has been a year since I had broke up with her but now she has a new boyfriend. It hurts to know that eventually she will move on and will forget about you. But you will learn more about yourself and grow from that relationship.

Many people are saying this... thanks for sharing.