How does one build self-esteem?

[moon777light]

I have been attempting to self-actualize/heal from my crushing social anxiety for the past 6 months with little progress. It has gotten so bad that whenever i walk outside and see a person on a street walking in my direction, i get a mini panic attack where i literally feel as if i have forgotten how to walk, and the only way i can stop myself from fainting is to take my phone out and look at my phone as a safety net. all i think is "omg this person is staring at me and is definitley thinking how dumb i am". i am so tense from social anxiety that when a friend/fmaily member takes a picture of me, my body looks stiff like a board, unnatural. I cannot afford a therapist and to make things worse my parents dont believe i have anxiety. I have tried to communicate this to my parents and they just laugh and say "hahaha yEAH right you're just using this as an excuse" My victim mentality has gotten so bad that i whenever someone doesnt give me attention i jump to conclusions that they think im the most boring person ever and no one will ever talk to me ever again. I get better for a little bit but the cycle continues endlessly, so it seems. 

thank you for any reply. 

[Durka_Durka]

You're not alone in needing to raise your self-esteem. I've been working on my self-esteem after years of being around people that never helped or taught me to do anything, unwilling to treat me like a human being who matters. But it does get better. Your key for building self-esteem is Nathaniel Branden. Branden's whole life was devoted to studying self-esteem and ways to raise it. This is his work I am working on at the minute which is considering his seminal work: 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pillars-Self-Esteem-Nathaniel-Branden-Ph-D/dp/0553374397/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1533240988&sr=8-1&keywords=six+pillars+of+self+esteem+by+nathaniel+branden

I'd highly recommend working through that book. And taking the book very seriously, it works, at least I've seen definite improvements and I imagine I'll work through it several times before moving onto something else. 

There is also a list of further study in the back if you felt so inclined, but this book will definitely help and you may feel like it is enough at the end. 

I wish you all the best and blessing for your growth

[martins name]

 

I used to have super duper low self-esteem. For me it came from unconscious behavior like masturbating to porn every day, playing to much video games and procrastinating a lot. It also came from me being unpopular in my class (8th - 9th grade) which came from my terrible social skills and from my low unconsciousness behaviors. I fixed my self-esteem by removing the sources of my low self-esteem. By making friends in high school, starting a meditation habit, working harder in school and working out at the gym. 

 

Also, I found this recently: 

It makes me more at home and loose in my body. Try it out. If it works take a look at osho dynamic meditation also. It's way more intense and physically demanding but its more powerful.

Part of low self-esteem is related to the body as in the feelings of anxiety happens in the body, not the brain, so working with the body is important. Gyming as i wrote was a game changer for me. I highly recommend getting physical exercise around 3 times a week. Try running or jogging. You wanna really sweat.

[d0ornokey]

wow much love. 

I think finding role models or people who have been through what you have, and have accomplished what you want to accomplish can be super inspirational. I'd recommend finding some people. I think RSDtyler is a good example, because he had extreme social autism and eventually became extremely calibrated and confident. 

 

If you haven't already, reading inspirational books and videos will help a lot, it will motivate you to take action. Because your victim mentality is thick and this will reverse some of it by giving you hope and confidence. 

I also recommend journaling your victim mentality and questioning it, trying to see through it and if it makes any sense. 

Affirmations are great too, they will help you in the moment and over the long-run 

I would also focus on daily baby-steps. Just do one thing a day to push you out of your comfort zone. You will fall back, as you've noticed. But failure is only part of the process. Make your goals small but challenging. And once you accomplish that, move to the next goal. Use lots of strategy & pre-mortem

I really love this analogy -> When a baby is learning to walk he will fall down many many times. But he does not get depressed. Eventually, the baby learns to walk. When we get older, we learn to get the capability to become depressed after failures, and we forget that it's all part of the process. 

Some videos that really helped me was: 

Brian Johnson's +1's on hope. He teaches you how to be hopeful in situations. 

Leo's victim mentality, part 2 

 

[martins name]

Tyler can be a good role model for men. I think low self-esteem manifests itself differently for women than men tho. Having a female role model like teal swan in this case might be more appropriate. 

[martins name]

@moon777light you probably know better than me on that point tho.

[ajasatya]

@moon777light

do you fantasize a different version of you that would be more acceptable to others? are you scared of what others may think about you?

do you believe you're a failure/not good enough in any aspect?

are you living a life that you're trying to hide? are you ashamed of yourself?

[moon777light]

@Durka_Durka thank you so much  the worst feeling ever is constantly being surrounded by people who bring you down but i hope that is about to change

@martins name yes, my social anxiety developed from grade school as well, and i have come to believe that people with social anxiety are much more prone to have an issue with laziness and procrastination. Im in my 5th year of med school, and ever since i started college my grades plummeted down. I used to have straight A's in all of my AP and Honor classes now in college i have straight D's and C's (i moved to croatia from america for college, and the culture shock and being crappy at speaking the language made my self esteem drop 7 stories lol)

yes i agree that women self esteem issues are different than men.  Have you done the Osho dynamic meditation? Is it any different than the kundalini? i watched the video above and they look quite similar. I think ill have to start incorporating those.  I looove teal swan, i have yet to watch her videos on social anxiety tho.

@d0ornokey thank you so much. I have so many resources now that i dont know where to start hehe  i still have to watch leos victim mentality part 1 & 2. Ill take a look at the video you posted but i noticed he's talking to a very male centred field and pick up  which i can't relate to that much. Thanks for the baby analogy. The more im self-actualizing, the more im realizing that baby's are smarter than us adults lol. i will watch the brian johnson too thanks

8 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@moon777light

do you fantasize a different version of you that would be more acceptable to others? are you scared of what others may think about you?

do you believe you're a failure/not good enough in any aspect?

are you living a life that you're trying to hide? are you ashamed of yourself?

Yes, constantly. Its been maybe 10+years that im fantasizing of a different self that people would like. (im 22). In elementary and middle school i used to write lists in notebooks of all the things i wanted myself to be and how to take revenge on my bullies and make them jealous of me   i would title them "how to be popular" and stuff. know that leo introduced us to spiral dynamics, im realizing how Orange my mindset was from my preteen years to twenties. 

I am terrified of what others think. In fact whenever im in school and i see girls whispering or someone glance at me i automatically think its bad stuff about me. Im super scared of being confrontational. Never in my life when i had a problem with someone (other than my direct family) would i tell them my issue with them. Im not sure why, i think its because i think they'll leave me. So even if theyll say as a joke "haha your so asocial" i wont tell them that that hurt me because i am asocial, its part of my identity. And then im afraid of any awkward silence that will follow. 

I dont believe im a failure, but i do think im not good enough a lot. Im not good enough in school, im not good enough when it comes to having friends, to relationships, etc.

When i was young i was really hyper and loved being mischievous. But my family would say that im naive/annoying/and obnoxious. Because of this, i remember faintly that some kids in preschool and kindergarten would give me dirty looks and purposefully leave me out of any game they were playing. 

[Solace]

Life is perfect as it is. It is daring you to relax/loosen up no matter what situation you are in.

You have beleifs inside you that people won’t accept you and what happens? You start to attract people who don’t accept you. As such, life is a perfect reflection of your deepest beleifs about yourself and other people; use this to your advantage.

Go our in the densest area possible and ask yourself, “Where is the danger here? Where are the people who don’t accept me? Where are they right now in this moment?”. Look, see, know. You’ll find through direct experience that there is no one to be afraid of, or worried about from this place of higher consciousness. Even put a clown hat on yourself, and walk around. See all the people watching you and radiate love through your eyes towards them. Come on, it will be fun you know! This direct experience is how we change our beliefs.

Another effective way to change these beleifs is to anchor love. You may want to move somewhere safe and queit when you feel very anxious, and focus on the breathe. This technique is exactly the same as sitting on your front porch and watching the stars, it relaxes you and anchors love. Your love will purify everything, so bring it with you as much as possible. For in every moment we have a choice: we can choose love or choose fear. It’s up to you honey. This is your time to shine brighter than ever if you want to, to feel so much love beyond anything you’ve ever experienced. Even in the deepest state of fear, you can choose love, that is the fastest way to change beleifs. That’s why I suggested to go into a crowded area where I know you will be afraid and to use the technique of radiating love from your heart through your eyes.

Whenever you are afraid, you have a misaligned belief. Dive into the heart of that situation that scares you and shine love through your eyes for fast transformation. Be that love that you desire from the world everywhere you go as best you can.

Also I would like to suggest that you do not meditate right now. There are other practices that are much more beneficial for you. Here is a link to them: https://channelhigherself.com/blog/what-if-meditation-is-too-difficult/

Specifically the ”OM” would really help for about 10 minutes a day or more. It will release all of the anxiety through your voice, and the love frequency contained in the “OM” sound will purify your beleifs over time. Also I recommend the Urijjya breathe or guided breathing for 15 minutes or more a day to help you regain control over your thoughts that are making you have these attacks. The Ujjayi breathe has the potential to take you to unconditional love. The day practice I already said above to radiate love through the eyes ❤️?

Hope this helps you Moonlight. This is what helped me with my social anxiety; and has changed my beleifs so much that I only attract the most loving people in my life and it is magical how it works through practice of what I recommended. 

Step into your power as the God that you are. Dedicate yourself to practice in all your free time. You are the love, you are the light; everything is beautiful. To see this, practice what was on that article that you enjoy for hours a day if you really want to realize that you are love. You have this power to do this with your own free will. You are the creator. You create in every single moment. All your answers will be resolved in the art of practice my darling.

With love.

Edited August 3, 2018 by Solace

[martins name]

@moon777lightl've done both kundalini and dynamic. Kundalini is more about feeling loose and good, like a child. Dynamic is about removing repressed emotions. I imagine that you got anger stored up from those bullies for example. 

 

1 hour ago, moon777light said:

how Orange my mindset was from my preteen years to twenties. 

For me, I had to gain popularity and status before I could start moving in to green. Don't think of yourself like you need to be one stage with the exclusion of the other. resist neither orange nor green. Don't dismiss your orange needs for being to low on the spiral.

[martins name]

@Feel Good I can see what you mean with Tyler. Although some people who are at stage orange and are stuck there because they haven't mastered the stage, could benefit from him. Of course one would have to move on to a more green or higher role model later. Remember thats where Leo started.

 

What do you mean by Teal tho? She seems good to me.

[moon777light]

hmm yes i do think its ironic that teal still has these issues because of her job being the spiritual catalyst but i do find her videos very helpful. And i like how shes trying to show that we need to stop seeing our teachers as completly perfect human beings that has no problems. i think the reason why she gets a bunch of bad attention is because she does the mistake of "feeding the trolls" so to speak. Every single negative article she has to make a response to it, every accusation she has to answer it directly, etc. a lot of people say they should discredit her teachings just because she cant keep a relationship but many male teachers go through the same thing and people ignore them. idk, theere are problems she needs to resolve herself but i find her teachings to help my issues. For example her internet addiction vide is spot on. I have yet to watch her "how to stop caring what others think of you"

@Solace thank you Solace so muchh  i love the idea of realizing how every single issue is just me making up that belief. I think im finding it frustrating how i expect all these meditations to immediatley melt away my conditioning but the problem is that i become present for those 15-20 minutes that i meditate, but after i finish, i forget it and just resume my everyday life patterns. The key as you have mentioned is to integrate this mindset that in the present moment there is no one that i should be afraid of. I keep forgetting to think this and fall back into same patterns because im so glued to them. 

3 hours ago, Solace said:

That’s why I suggested to go into a crowded area where I know you will be afraid and to use the technique of radiating love from your heart through your eyes.

man this seems scary but im pretty sure ill realize how easy it is  

Also for the practices, i am doing (well 3 days so far) kriya yoga and interestingly the practices include pranayama, ujjayi breath and om chanting (om japa its called ) i am thinking about adding an afternoon session of ujjayi as you mentioned, THANKY YOU SOLACE 

[moon777light]

@Feel Good i know i know

what do you suggest?

[ajasatya]

@moon777light self-image is a lie.

what you think of yourself is a lie. what others think of you is a lie. what you think of others is a lie. what others think of themselves is a lie.

[Colin]

@moon777light here we are again, picking up where we left off, sharing information from the books I am reading that happens to be pertinent to your situation.

I just got to the part of the book "Why We Sleep" by Matt Walker where he talks about research done that demonstrates that insufficient or compromised sleep makes the faces of the people around you seem more threatening. 

[Solace]

@moon777light

 You said It perfectly. Take that mindset with you throughout your day: that everything in this moment whole, complete and perfect in this moment; and it will benefit you so much. Yes! It is coincidental that you are doing those practices, and they are exactly what you need right now. I practice these too everyday; the OM mantra, and Ujjayi breathe  

I understand and have experienced that this work is emotionally challenging. So to help myself with this, to stop judgement from not progressing as fast I want, I always just aim to be loving to myself and the world moment by moment. So if I got lost in some unloving thoughts, I stop, and realise that this is a brand-new moment for me to shine the beauty of my heart into this world, the other moment of unloving thoughts no longer exists or holds me back in any way. It makes it easier, because you no longer think about this future where you are this peaceful enlightened master, you realise that is just thoughts, and then you can create something new in the next moment that is more loving in your own unique way whether it be through affirmations, actions, focusing on the breathe, just being, chilling out, complimenting, making tea.

Keep trusting that these practices as well as your new mindset will heal all of your false beliefs, and transform your reality into a miraculous, and synchronise journey filled with love; because such is happening in my life and so too can it in your own. 

So relax. Right now in this moment, in the space you are in, look around, can you find anything to be concerned about? I hope you enjoy the rest of your day.

Edited August 3, 2018 by Solace

[Igor82]

@moon777light

Try cold showers

They kill the ego efficently

1. They are practical:
2. They replace hot showers
3. The make you feel good
4. They boost recovery of inflammation in muslces
5. They kill ego

The only thing between a man turning the handle to cold rather than to hot is his ego being a pussy, being in the way.

The cold will never hurt you, just like Strong depermination, it is only your ego that stands in the way

I have build up some tolerance to the ego's screems for mercy, and now I can handle emotionally difficult situations quite more nicely, like approacing girls or resisting cravings.

HEre is some points:

• I still fear the cold showers, although its just easier for me to pull the lever at this point
• I never take hot showers
• Every time I take them I feel like I have won over my biggest fear, and that I can surrender into anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. I get naked
2. I prepair water, let it rin on cold for a while
3. I stop the water flowing (primed cold water)
4. I get into the shower, and take the loose hose and put it above me with one hand (holding it)
5. I brace myself, noticing the ego screaming, then I say fuckit
6. Turn on the lever
7. Feel head getting shocked
8. Ego screams for 3 seconds while I surrender into the experience as best as I can (Im using this currently mainly to emotionally handle an ego death when the moment comes)
9. Enjoy the rest, I shiver if I stay too long, with the practise, you can notice when your lips gets blue and shit, if you shiver too much, take shorter shower, or use breating excersizes (Wim Hof Is the greatest idolization of cold exposure)

Yhoo, it got all the benefits, and its super practical. I mean, pain endurance in geeral gets you way out of your comfort zone, and gets you to stick in that place aswell, I mean, if I have done some hard excersize, and then I do something wierd infront of all the poeple (that would usually make a really immature person run away), I would just brush it off like nothing happend.

This is really practical my duudes, its a nessecity, like brushing teeth.

Bottom line: Use disomfort or pain to get you out of your comfort zone to be able to handle difficult situations with more emotional poise, cold showers is a great example.

 

Ps: correct me if im wrong: My ego has been telling me that the cold showers makes me universally emotionally resillient, I mean, If I have so much emotional poise, then maybe this flows into my positive emotions aswell?

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[moon777light]

@Igor82 i shall take this habit in mind

@Feel Good some of the links are broken so i cant see them

[moon777light]

@Colin yea my sleep cycle has been pretty crappy consistently throughout the last 3 years (each year i have at least 10-15 all nighters and the rest i sleep one day 4 hours and the next 14 hours lol). for the past week only have i been sleeping from 10:30pm/11pm and waking up between 5:30am-7am. I'll see if it helps in the long run.

@Feel Good thanks for fixing them

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 02/08/2018 at 6:02 PM, martins name said:

It makes me more at home and loose in my body.

@moon777light I think you need to find a way to feel comfortable in your body. 

Counterintuitively, social anxiety is largely a body-problem. In my case, as soon as I felt good in my body, I naturally started to feel more confident -- with no need to work on psychological stuff (e.g., changing my beliefs, healing childhood traumas etc.)  

If you want examples of activities that help you tap into your body, let me know