I'm Really Young and Really Confused

[Guest Mount Bananas]

Through my introspection, almost every six months, I find a limiting belief I have. This discovery is like a slap in the face every time. It destroys my confidence and self-esteem. After I let go of this belief and replace it with a more positive one, I rebuild my whole life once again. I feel like every time this cycle happens I come back stronger and more grounded than ever. Maybe it's pain that's unavoidable on the path towards self-improvement. My first question is, I guess, has anyone else gone through these cycles? Are they normal?
I also need your insights on the limiting belief that needs to be challenged now.

I've noticed that I'm seeking and craving the validation of other people. One of the theories is that I haven't been validated enough as a child. Maybe it's true for me. I'm now in the phase where I'm trying to remember every time where I didn't receive the "proper" validation (so I can forgive my parents and myself). My parents wanted to push me saying how I can always do more and better instead of saying that I'm perfect the way I am. Not sure yet, I'm still investigating for the root cause.

This belief isn't manifested as much in my actions as it is in my thoughts. I keep having these fantasies about how people will think I'm so amazing when I do this and that. Sometimes it's people that I hate (and they hate me back) so I can prove them wrong, but mostly it's other people that have validated me in the past. When they validate me once I get attached to them and make up mind-stories about them. I don't want to go into too much detail about specific stories, but that's basically it. It's fucking sickening.

I'm slowly becoming obsessed as I see how much of my life has been a lie up to this point. Even now while writing and editing this I have thoughts that I might be trying to impress you, the reader (which is not true).

Please give me your advice. I've been thinking about going to a psychologist so we can work this issue out faster and more efficiently. I might do that if I fail to change it myself. I already know how to change my identity with affirmations and it has worked before, but only coupled with serious action. What actions should I take?

So as a summary:

Are these cycles good and normal?

What action should I take to change the belief?

P.S. I have nothing against spirituality, but please spare me of answers along the line of "And who is THAT YOU THAT IS FEELING THIS WAY" or "Realize you are one with everything and deconstruct all your beliefs". It will take me years to do that and as of now I'm looking for something practical (to change a belief rather than deconstruct it). Thanks for reading and for your input. I'm especially curious as to what you guys think @aurum @Nahm

[B_Naz]

Ever questioned why you're actually trying to stop this validation? You say you care about what people think of you, so you want to stop, but why do you want to stop? Are you trying to gain something by stopping this validation? Could this come from the ego? Gaining something in anything is coming from the ego, and what you have to try and do is do it without any attachment! So for example, getting a haircut for a cute girl, you have to try and realise your validation is hurting and backfiring you, and that trying to stop the validation is also backfiring... So become neutral... Why can't I just get a normal haircut for the sake of it?

3 hours ago, Mount Bananas said:

Through my introspection, almost every six months, I find a limiting belief I have. This discovery is like a slap in the face every time. It destroys my confidence and self-esteem. After I let go of this belief and replace it with a more positive one, I rebuild my whole life once again. I feel like every time this cycle happens I come back stronger and more grounded than ever. Maybe it's pain that's unavoidable on the path towards self-improvement. My first question is, I guess, has anyone else gone through these cycles? Are they normal?

This is completely normal. Your life gets rebuilt everyday and, nobody is pure and make no mistakes. Everyone make mistakes, hell right now, I can't be bothered to clean my room because im a lazy fat piece of shit after I promied i won't be. But what you have to realise is that once you build, you will have to smash it down and rebuild again, to make the foundations stronger. I'm sure you know this all so yes, it is normal

Lastly, fuck the past. Your parents may have not been the best or they may have been the best, or your childhood has some flaws but just forget about those... Live in the present. the past never existed

Don't let the past define you, let the present define you

Edited August 2, 2018 by B_Naz

[Nahm]

@Mount Bananas It’s funny because it doesn’t actually make any difference for you wether anyone approves of (validates) what you’re doing. It just simply doesn’t make a bit of difference. It’s ok to laugh about it. You’re gonna do what you’re gonna do anyways. It doesn’t matter. Lighten up. ❤️

[Sashaj]

3 hours ago, Mount Bananas said:

Through my introspection, almost every six months, I find a limiting belief I have. This discovery is like a slap in the face every time. It destroys my confidence and self-esteem. After I let go of this belief and replace it with a more positive one, I rebuild my whole life once again. I feel like every time this cycle happens I come back stronger and more grounded than ever. Maybe it's pain that's unavoidable on the path towards self-improvement. My first question is, I guess, has anyone else gone through these cycles? Are they normal?
I also need your insights on the limiting belief that needs to be challenged now.

I've noticed that I'm seeking and craving the validation of other people. One of the theories is that I haven't been validated enough as a child. Maybe it's true for me. I'm now in the phase where I'm trying to remember every time where I didn't receive the "proper" validation (so I can forgive my parents and myself). My parents wanted to push me saying how I can always do more and better instead of saying that I'm perfect the way I am. Not sure yet, I'm still investigating for the root cause.

This belief isn't manifested as much in my actions as it is in my thoughts. I keep having these fantasies about how people will think I'm so amazing when I do this and that. Sometimes it's people that I hate (and they hate me back) so I can prove them wrong, but mostly it's other people that have validated me in the past. When they validate me once I get attached to them and make up mind-stories about them. I don't want to go into too much detail about specific stories, but that's basically it. It's fucking sickening.

I'm slowly becoming obsessed as I see how much of my life has been a lie up to this point. Even now while writing and editing this I have thoughts that I might be trying to impress you, the reader (which is not true).

Please give me your advice. I've been thinking about going to a psychologist so we can work this issue out faster and more efficiently. I might do that if I fail to change it myself. I already know how to change my identity with affirmations and it has worked before, but only coupled with serious action. What actions should I take?

So as a summary:

Are these cycles good and normal?

What action should I take to change the belief?

P.S. I have nothing against spirituality, but please spare me of answers along the line of "And who is THAT YOU THAT IS FEELING THIS WAY" or "Realize you are one with everything and deconstruct all your beliefs". It will take me years to do that and as of now I'm looking for something practical (to change a belief rather than deconstruct it). Thanks for reading and for your input. I'm especially curious as to what you guys think @aurum @Nahm

Sounds like you are a normal human being with all the normal faults that we all share. What exactly is the problem with that? 

[Sashaj]

Another thought bubble from me

try using it to your advantage. You have recognised a problem, now let the discontent motivate you to find a solution. What’s the solution for an ego problem like the one you have identified?  

[aurum]

8 hours ago, Mount Bananas said:

My first question is, I guess, has anyone else gone through these cycles? Are they normal?

Of course.

I expect that there will never be a time when I don't have a limiting belief. Continuous growth = continuously running into blocks. There's really no way around it. 

They get deeper too. In the beginning, you might just be tackling surface level limiting beliefs about things you're just misinformed on. But the more work you do, the more you're diving into deeper subconscious stuff that it's really embedded in your psyche.

Can you let go of your attachment of wanting the process the end?

8 hours ago, Mount Bananas said:

What action should I take to change the belief?

Trust me, if I had a quick "1-2-3" process for ending your need for validation FOREVER, I'd give it to you. But I myself aren't even at that point. I still fall into the trap sometimes of seeking approval and wanting to rub my success in the face of everyone who doubted me.

A big thing that will help is catching it. If you can recognize what's happening, it takes a lot of the power out of it. You don't have to buy into those thoughts. You just need some meta-awareness.

Beyond that, just do the techniques that have been proven to work. Meditation, yoga, breathwork, energy work etc. You don't have to reinvent the wheel.

8 hours ago, Mount Bananas said:

I've been thinking about going to a psychologist so we can work this issue out faster and more efficiently.

It doesn't have to be a psychologist, but going to see someone (therapist, coach, mentor) who can help guide you is an EXTREMELY good idea.

I love books and YouTube videos, but understand that these tools are made for large audiences. They may or may not address your specific situation. But when you work with someone one on one, they know exactly where you're at and what you need.

[Guest Mount Bananas]

@Nahm Thanks for the reassuring words, they really help.

This need for validation can cripple me, because I've become addicted to needing it. The way this plays out in reality is that I'd rather have these stupid fantasies of me impressing people than me actually reaching my goals, putting myself out there and developing the skills I want to develop. That's why I want it to stop.

@B_Naz ^^^^^ (arrows pointing up lol)

@Sashaj This is why ^^^^^ . I'm still not sure of the solution. Still pondering the possibilities.

@Feel Good Yes, a lot of times when the person who validated me in the past stops.

[tsuki]

On 2.08.2018 at 9:27 AM, Mount Bananas said:

My first question is, I guess, has anyone else gone through these cycles? Are they normal?

I've noticed that I'm seeking and craving the validation of other people.

@Mount Bananas Repeat after me:

The only normal people are the ones that you don't know.
The only normal people are the ones that you don't know.
The only normal people are the ones that you don't know.
The only normal people are the ones that you don't know.
The only normal people are the ones that you don't know.
The only normal people are the ones that you don't know.
The only normal people are the ones that you do not know.

You, the first-person perspective of the world, by definition, cannot be normal. 
You know every single fuck-up you ever did and every single idiosyncrasy you have.
In fact, you are the one that decides what is a fuck-up and what is an idiosyncrasy.
Stop judging others to stop feeling judged. Stop judging yourself to stop judging others.

There is no single normal person in existence. Normality is an abstraction.
In a sample of two specimen (me and my dog), the normal amount of legs is 3.
Internet strangers such as myself have nothing of value to say about you, to you.
All we can say is how we see the world (which you are a part of).
Our judgement is a judgment about our own little fucked up reality that we inhabit.

Now go on and self-actualize the shit out of yourself.

[Guest Mount Bananas]

@tsuki Dude, nothing but love and respect for you. Thanks for putting it into perspective. The problem is internalizing this. I'm already aware of this as a concept and now I'm working towards it becoming my reality. So thanks

[Guest Mount Bananas]

@aurum @Sashaj

Catching myself doing it is what I've done for these past two months. Reflecting back I can say that it has made me more satisfied with myself. I clearly remember one situation where I wanted to talk very loudly to my friends just so a girl nearby could hear. When I stopped I felt good knowing that I didn't succumb to this idea. But can I really do this forever?

Another solution that I've thought of is for me to be purposefully seen in a bad light, being rude to people. Doing that a few times (or a lot of times, depending on how much it takes) will cease the validation I get. Then I could learn how to live with the fact that people think I'm a bad person.

I've read that this technique of going overboard on the opposite side of the spectrum, being there for a while and then adjusting somewhere towards the middle is a good way to internalize things.

Thoughts?

 

[B_Naz]

19 hours ago, Mount Bananas said:

This need for validation can cripple me, because I've become addicted to needing it. The way this plays out in reality is that I'd rather have these stupid fantasies of me impressing people than me actually reaching my goals, putting myself out there and developing the skills I want to develop. That's why I want it to stop.

That's fantastic. What I find is most people want to stop validation is so they can gain something out of it, like when you're trying to stop seeking attention, to actually gain more attention (if that make sense, it's like not being needy, but by not being needy, you get people to talk to you, because you stopped scaring people with your needyness) but you've figured out the problem. It's destroying your humanity

Hey, you're normal. We're all normal.

Validation is simply thoughts that people have, and most of the time they will forget those thoughts. Think about when you judged people, it's a thought that is created and you forget it, because it's no longer in the moment.

Also, you're in this reality and you are literally beautiful, don't try to gain validation to destroy that beauty. You are the entire universe, you are made up of the same "substance" of the universe, you are the literal essence of the universe. You're breathing, you have a purpose, you care about yourself, you care about the environment (hopefully) and you are literally everything that you are not, because reality is infinite. You are infinite, you are amazing.

When you try to gain validation, it's only for your ego, not from within you, which is the universe. Detach from your ego and be one with the whole universe. You are LITERALLY experiencing life! 

What I would suggest you to do is working on yourself. Like really work on yourself, maybe workout, start reading books like 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem, try to gain some confidence in yourself. When you gain confidence in yourself, use it to validate for yourself. Like if somebody sees you and thinks "This guy is pretty weak" but deep down you can fucking bench 200kg with no problem (when you workout, just an example). 

You have to really realize that you're not actually trusting yourself, to be yourself. You feel like you need some sort of "objective" perspective on your life (which is the validation) in order to be in a certain way. Fuck that way, be your way.

There are some hardships like seeing your flaws, but accept the flaws, everyone has them. It is completely normal, don't worry about it too much. Also don't try and resist the flaws, or resist your ego, just try and let it flow. Let the need for validation flow, and then try and validate yourself

Edited August 4, 2018 by B_Naz