I forgot how to socialize

[spicy_pickles]

I realized this today, fuck. 

While I dislike making excuses, I take full responsibility for this. I was the one in a long term relationship with an abusive narcissist. I was the one that let him destroy me, my confidence and everything else to the core. I allowed him to make me want to be secluded and alone. I feel awkward and uncomfortable around people now. 

I’m working on this. Sometimes I have an interaction with someone and think - wow, why did I say that?  Do they think I’m a total idiot?  

Maybe the problem is I’ve been using visualization to improve. I see myself a certain way. Perhaps this isn’t the way to go. Maybe I shouldn’t see my “improved” version as outgoing, friendly, attractive, in shape, etc. Maybe that’s what’s making me falter now. 

[MrDmitriiV]

@spicy_pickles Visualization is Tony Robbins stuff... If you want to get rid of the SOURCE of all your problems, then try concentration meditation, self inquiry, kriya yoga, read books.

I was shy around people as well, but after doing some stuff mentioned above, the shyness disappeared by itself)))

(I also tried visualization, affirmations and bla bla, it's all low level crap)

Edited August 1, 2018 by MrDmitriiV

[Arman]

you just gotta get out there more. that's it. you don't need visualisation or anything else fancy

the easiest way to improve your social skills is just to get momentum by consistently socializing. everyone feels the same when they have been in seclusion or not going out for a long time. the awkwardness, the anxiety, the feeling like there is something wrong with you.

you're likely attaching and projecting ideas of past traumas onto the experience but it's not necessary. It's just your mind trying to make sense of how you feel because it doesn't have context for just how reasonable it is for you to be socially rusty right now. 

even if you're an effortless social butterfly, after not having been socializing for a good while then you'll probably find yourself getting in your head by the most benign interactions. literally just saying hello to someone just walking down the street. "Man my hello sounded really weird... why did I say it like that? so stupid... why didn't they respond? are people staring at me?" 

just be easier on yourself - understand that it's not that weird and that a lot of people feel the same way you do. it's like freaking out that you're physically weak after you stopped working out and now you're trying to figure out what poisoned you to cause this atrophy. relax, learn to be ok with anxiety, push your comfort zone a little and you'll start to feel better.

stop labelling the experience as anything at all

 

 

 

 

Edited August 1, 2018 by Arman

[Gabriel Antonio]

49 minutes ago, Arman said:

just be easier on yourself

Yes. 

 

When you are socializing, focus on basic stuff. Try to say things that are ordinary and simple, or maybe that is only slightly beyond your comfort zone. DO NOT get too much out of your comfort zone. It backfires. For example, if you stretch a rubber band too much, it breaks. 

You will soon find a person who is easy to connect with. A person who you can feel comfortable being your natural self. 

I think it's very important to cultivate few—but deep—friendships. In my case, building a strong bond with 3 friends has automatically made me improve in surface-level socializing.    

Edited August 1, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio

[DoubleYou]

6 hours ago, spicy_pickles said:

Sometimes I have an interaction with someone and think - wow, why did I say that?  Do they think I’m a total idiot?  

What if you were? Who would care? Who would care that they'd care?

Who is making these rules?

Can you see how you're still answering to your own projections of an abusive narcicist? You're free of that now.

It's okay to be a total idiot. We all are. Those who can laugh about themselves the most will have the easiest time in a conversation. So loosen up a bit. Break all the rules you thougt were so important. See what happens.

[Michael569]

I have been in similar situation for past years. I stopped socialising much because I got sick with the type of socialisation I was doing which was basically drinking, talking about complete shit, wasting time and eating junk food. There is definitely beauty in solitude especially for an introvert but I am finding that my social skills have suffered greatly as well. 

There are so many social meeting groups and pretty much any topic you are interested in, there are talks being held or meetups being organised. It is a sort of push-strategy but many people go there with the same feeling. And if you hate it, you leave. ...at least this is how I've been pushing myself to socialise lately.... that and by joining Toastmasters some time ago. That, I would also recommend to you to consider for boosting your social skills in extremely friendly environment. 

[tashawoodfall]

Maybe hit it from the angle of stop giving a fuck what anyone thinks...find & then love yourself that way

Then go from there <3

[Capital]

Stop being attached to the ideal self that you are visualizing.

I know it easier said than done , but trust me I have been in your place years ago and I have set my self free by doing  "shadow work" that allows me to accept all the things that I suppressed in my subconscious cause it goes against my ideal self 

[Arman]

29 minutes ago, Capital said:

Stop being attached to the ideal self that you are visualizing.

I know it easier said than done , but trust me I have been in your place years ago and I have set my self free by doing  "shadow work" that allows me to accept all the things that I suppressed in my subconscious cause it goes against my ideal self 

really good advice

[2018]

Hey,

 

Sorry to hear that you were in an abusive relationship and congratulations on finding a way out. You are much too important to be wasting your life with people who don't love you. When it comes to your situation of not being able to socialize with people as you would like, I'm happy to say that you now have the opportunity to work on building your socializing ability/skills once again. You've been through a lot but once you start to work on yourself you will quickly be back to where you want to be before you were in a bad relationship. Practicing how to socialize again will put you in a better spot to speak with others and allow you to regain your confidence to do so without feeling awkward or insecure. Start small, look in the mirror, smile and say I love you! Do this over again until you stop feeling awkward. Next, create some I am affirmations that you can repeat to yourself for five minutes/day for lets say 30 days. For example try telling your self: 1) I am intelligent, 2) I am confident 3) I am beautiful 4) I am interesting 

 

This process doesn't happen overnight and you will have to work on it. But it will work and will change the way you look at how you communicate with people and what is pretty cool, you will notice people treating you differently for the better. Also, when you feel ready, start speaking to anyone and everyone. Start by saying hi to a stranger. When that becomes a piece of cake make more eye contact with the people you are talking to. While working on building your socializing skills step out of your comfort zone and ask a friend or family member to go out with you to a place that you feel comfortable going to and slowly start to face your fear and interact with people (going to a coffee shop, a park or taking a night class on a subject that's interesting). I have had much difficulty in the past with talking with people but realized that in life it is not advisable to avoid socializing with people, simply because we are humans and we are all social creatures.

 

Hope this helps! 

[spicy_pickles]

Thank you all, some very good information here!

Shadow work intrigues me because I can totally see how it would help my situations. 

Going out of my comfort zone also seems like a great idea to try. 

There are a handful of people I can comfortably talk with. Seems like it’s a challenge for just about everyone else these days. 

Thanks again, going to give this a whirl.