What do I do with this?

[zoey101]

2 minutes ago, robdl said:

Thought is actually hilarious in a way.  Thinking that it will strive to break out of the loop.  Like someone who's dug themselves a hole saying, "Okay, I'll just dig my way out of here."  Perpetuating the cause of the problem in a futile attempt to end the problem lol.

That's a really good analogy.

[Faceless]

3 minutes ago, robdl said:

Thought is actually hilarious in a way.  Thinking that it will strive to break out of the loop.  Like someone who's dug themselves a hole saying, "Okay, I'll just dig my way out of here."  Or trying to put out a gasoline fire by trying to extinguish it with gas.  Perpetuating the cause of the problem in a futile attempt to end the problem lol.

Hilarious rascal indeed?

[robdl]

1 hour ago, Faceless said:

As long as we are searching for a means to an end, thought-self- the loop, will continue to deceive itself and seek security in illusion, which is an expression of that self-feeding loop. 
 

 

Indeed.  The searching/seeking action for an endpoint, or escaping from what-is toward an abstraction or endpoint,  is in fact one and the same as the loop itself.  The loop is this searching/escaping/seeking action.  Or putting it another way, mind is movement away from what-is.

Edited August 1, 2018 by robdl

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, zoey101 said:

Thank you.. and I don't have any but I can get them from my old Facebook account, I suppose. I spent my lunch break trying to "talk to her". I didn't really know what to say so I kept repeating "there is nothing wrong with you", "you are worthy to be loved and deserve to love yourself", things like that... I'm not sure how much that will do.. but I feel a little better 

@zoey101 That's a good start. Would you like it if somebody told you that?
Everybody in here has repeatedly told you that there is nothing wrong with you, but you seemed to resist this idea.
You may have had a hunch that it is not true. Would the other zoey believe you when you said that to her?

The idea of this relationship is honesty. This self-talk is not a magic spell that will transform your life.
You are supposed to treat that person as a real, blood and bones, physical person, and talk to her.
Do you believe that she is real? Would you tell that person that there is nothing wrong with her?
Or would you get upset with her for whatever she did?

You really need a honest talk with yourself. Ask yourself question and answer them honestly.
There will be no magic voice from outside that will respond. You have to do that yourself.
You remember that girl. What she thought and why she did whatever she did.
Talk to her and listen to your own responses. Let her speak through you.

Telling yourself that you love yourself is a very good way to start, but you have to go from there.
Nobody can tell you what to say, as you are the only person in existence that knows the other you.

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, robdl said:

Thought is actually hilarious in a way.  Thinking that it will strive to break out of the loop.  Like someone who's dug themselves a hole saying, "Okay, I'll just dig my way out of here."  Or trying to put out a gasoline fire by trying to extinguish it with gas.  Perpetuating the cause of the problem in a futile attempt to end the problem lol.

@robdl The way for the mind to break out of the loop is very simple.
Just keep digging in one direction. That is all that needs to be done to dig yourself out of any hole.

[zoey101]

1 minute ago, tsuki said:

@zoey101 That's a good start. Would you like it if somebody told you that?
Everybody in here has repeatedly told you that there is nothing wrong with you, but you seemed to resist this idea.
You may have had a hunch that it is not true. Would the other zoey believe you when you said that to her?

The idea of this relationship is honesty. This self-talk is not a magic spell that will transform your life.
You are supposed to treat that person as a real, blood and bones, physical person, and talk to her.
Do you believe that she is real? Would you tell that person that there is nothing wrong with her?
Or would you get upset with her for whatever she did?

You really need a honest talk with yourself. Ask yourself question and answer them honestly.
There will be no magic voice from outside that will respond. You have to do that yourself.
You remember that girl. What she thought and why she did whatever she did.
Talk to her and listen to your own responses. Let her speak through you.

Telling yourself that you love yourself is a very good way to start, but you have to go from there.
Nobody can tell you what to say, as you are the only person in existence that knows the other you.

Okay.. I wish there was a list of questions I could use.. but I know hat each situation is different so I need to ask questions only I need the answer too.. 

I started typing up a "Life Timeline" and have only reach middle school and am already noticing some patterns.. especially when it comes to men... 

this shit is rough, but I know it's gotta be worth it..

[robdl]

1 minute ago, tsuki said:

@robdl The way for the mind to break out of the loop is very simple.
Just keep digging in one direction. That is all that needs to be done to dig yourself out of any hole.

Ah, a fool who persists in his folly becomes wise, so to speak? hehe.

[zoey101]

So I asked my husband if he could download the self help books and it some how turned into him saying that he is sick of being the one who suffers for this... Said he doesn't think it'll help and I need to just move on and quit trying to make excuses to get out of it... I tried to tell him how important it was to me and what I have been trying to discover about myself and he just kept cutting me off...

He said he's going to a friend's house... God damnit... What's the fucking point... He wants an instant change.. I can't do that... He won't listen... So fuck it ..

[Athena]

Why cant you download them yourself? 

We have to take 100% responsibility doing this work.

 

[tsuki]

10 hours ago, zoey101 said:

Okay.. I wish there was a list of questions I could use.. but I know hat each situation is different so I need to ask questions only I need the answer too.. 

I started typing up a "Life Timeline" and have only reach middle school and am already noticing some patterns.. especially when it comes to men... 

this shit is rough, but I know it's gotta be worth it..

@zoey101 That's the spirit!
Why don't you create such a list and share with us?
Do not create a general purpose list for every human being. You know that this won't work.
Create a list of questions for yourself and show us how profoundly personal and honest they have to be.

A life timeline is a very good idea. Just don't get stuck in your current frame of mind.
Try to remember how it was at that time when you made those decisions and lived your life.
Do not judge yourself from way above you are right now.
Remember to be that person you were back then.

[tsuki]

6 hours ago, zoey101 said:

He said he's going to a friend's house... God damnit... What's the fucking point... He wants an instant change.. I can't do that... He won't listen... So fuck it ..

@zoey101 Here is a first video for you. It's only 5 minutes long, but it will make you understand your situation better.

If you're interested, here is a second video on this topic:

 

[zoey101]

11 hours ago, Athena said:

Why cant you download them yourself? 

We have to take 100% responsibility doing this work.@Feel Good

Because my husband is very particular about downloads... He told me to ask him so he can make sure there are no viruses and I don't know how that shit works so I just listened to him... But I am going to try and just do it... 

 

@Feel Good I tried to... but he never lets me talk... the second I say "I" he gates super defensive and makes it about him and says that I am being selfish... I can't fucking stand it... I tried to be open and honest with him about it.. this shit isn't easy to admit because I know it's hard to understand... but he just wants to say shit like, "I'm sick of the shit you did in the past still causing me pain, even years later"... 

It's not about him... I know it isn't easy for him... but he keeps making it about him when this is something I am really struggling with... I told him that I feel like I hate myself and he just said I was making excuses... 

I don't want to quit this shit... What I want to quit is doing this for him... He has so much control over me... I love him to death.. but I can't be what he wants me to be in the time frame he wants... if it were that easy I would have fucking done it already... I just want to do this for me and my daughter... If he leaves... I guess I'll just have to live with that.. I just wish he could understand me...

 

5 hours ago, tsuki said:

@zoey101 That's the spirit!
Why don't you create such a list and share with us?
Do not create a general purpose list for every human being. You know that this won't work.
Create a list of questions for yourself and show us how profoundly personal and honest they have to be.

A life timeline is a very good idea. Just don't get stuck in your current frame of mind.
Try to remember how it was at that time when you made those decisions and lived your life.
Do not judge yourself from way above you are right now.
Remember to be that person you were back then.

Okay.. I will write everything down as I think about it...

As for the timeline, it was a suggestion I received from another member. I want to say it was KeyElements or Nahm... I honestly can't remember straight right now, I'm sorry... But they said to make a Timeline of all the major events that made me who I am today. List all the good and the bad and then once you reach the present, list out your future goals and then circle where you are now. A way to see where you have been and where you want to be. I liked the idea.

5 hours ago, tsuki said:

@zoey101 Here is a first video for you. It's only 5 minutes long, but it will make you understand your situation better.

If you're interested, here is a second video on this topic:

 

I do love him... so much... I don't want to believe this marriage is wrong... but I'd be lying if I said I never thought that... If he could just give me a little more time... I could fix this... 

[tsuki]

Just now, zoey101 said:

I do love him... so much... I don't want to believe this marriage is wrong... but I'd be lying if I said I never thought that... If he could just give me a little more time... I could fix this... 

@zoey101 This is what this video is about!
It gives you a perspective that lets you keep your dignity when you work on your relationship.
There is no right person for you. This is why all relationships are difficult.

Please watch these videos. They will not suggest you to leave your partner. On the contrary!

[zoey101]

Just now, tsuki said:

@zoey101 This is what this video is about!
It gives you a perspective that lets you keep your dignity when you work on your relationship.
There is no right person for you. This is why all relationships are difficult.

Please watch these videos. They will not suggest you to leave your partner. On the contrary!

okay... thank you...

[Colin]

@zoey101 Books are great for going in depth, I love them. But, they are not the only source of information.

Here are various resources surrounding one of the best selling relationship books of all time. 


 

 

Edited August 2, 2018 by Colin

[zoey101]

1 minute ago, Colin said:

@zoey101

My church did a lesson on this for the kids. It was much more simplified, of course. But that's pretty neat

Thank you!

[Key Elements]

@zoey101 This...

along with Spiral Dynamics, helped me to understand relationships the most.

[zoey101]

@Key Elements Thank you 

[zoey101]

On 8/1/2018 at 9:49 AM, Nahm said:

@zoey101 Take a piece of paper, write out, in a line from left to right, like a time line; any notable events, personal developments, milestones in your life that have contributed to who you are today. Continue that into what you want for the rest of your life. Write everything that comes to mind, everything you want;  what you want to have, what you want to be, what you want to do.

Then be honest, and draw an arrow and write “You are here” in the accurate appropriate place.

Your life is a story, and this exercise can help you see that. The power of what you’ve made it through, and who you are because of it, is the power that can take you confidently to the ending you really want.

The joy, the adventure, will be in the experience that you’ll simultaneously need to out smart the clever ‘fox’ you’ve created (ego), and realize the humility of knowing nothing (Zoey101). You’ll have to deconstruct and start at the basis. 

@tsuki This is the timeline idea I was talking about. It was Nahm

[zoey101]

@Feel Good @egoeimai @tsuki @Key Elements @Nahm @Colin @Faceless @robdl @Serotoninluv @cetus56 @Jack River @Arman @Athena @John Iverson (I think that's everyone)

I am starting a new Journal so I can "document" my journey and share my "techniques" as well as add all of the videos and book suggestions you guys gave me so they are all available for anyone else feeling the way I do. I would love all of your guys input, advice or anything else. Please feel free to repeat any advice you think would be helpful to others! 

I am not happy with how things are going right now.. but I am not going to stop. I want to do this and will do it for me. 

Thank you guys so much for being here for me. This shit is hard and scary, but it helps to know you have even just one person that believes in you.