What do I do with this?

[zoey101]

@Nahm I do feel limited by it all.... I love the idea of being free from all of it... being my "full potential" as opposed to just dreaming about it.. I want all of that... 

@Feel Good I know violence is wrong... I have experienced enough of it to know that..  I know my parents could have "handled" me differently and not spanked or it me ever... but I was pretty crazy back then.. so I don't really hold it against them.. 

@cetus56 Thank you

[Nahm]

@zoey101 Take a piece of paper, write out, in a line from left to right, like a time line; any notable events, personal developments, milestones in your life that have contributed to who you are today. Continue that into what you want for the rest of your life. Write everything that comes to mind, everything you want;  what you want to have, what you want to be, what you want to do.

Then be honest, and draw an arrow and write “You are here” in the accurate appropriate place.

Your life is a story, and this exercise can help you see that. The power of what you’ve made it through, and who you are because of it, is the power that can take you confidently to the ending you really want.

The joy, the adventure, will be in the experience that you’ll simultaneously need to out smart the clever ‘fox’ you’ve created (ego), and realize the humility of knowing nothing (Zoey101). You’ll have to deconstruct and start at the basis. 

[tsuki]

52 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

@tsuki I can get myself to feel really good for a while. I like things about me, but then I just can't seem to hold onto it... and I end up crashing pretty hard..

@zoey101 What do you mean by crashing? I mean exactly, give me a description of what happened last time you crashed.

We expect weather to change and we watch forecasts to dress appropriately. We do not want to be hot, nor cold.
We do not however usually think that we have an inner weather of our psyche. There are no forecasts for it.
We all end up doubting, or even hating ourselves. The point is to understand that it is the inner weather speaking.
You may dress beautifully, but if the weather is bad - you will feel cold.
You may be beautiful, but if there is a storm on the inside - you will feel ugly.

Whatever you feel about the things that are happening is dependent on your inner weather.
If it's sunny on the inside, something bad may happen and you won't even flinch.
However, during an inner storm - small things may make you spiral.
This inner weather can only be observed by your reaction to the world. Like I said - the world is a Rorschach blot.
There are no objectively bad things. The only 'bad' there is is your feelings about it.
Remember that during the next storm.

Storms are important. They are violent movements of the psyche. A lot is happening in there and that is making you unstable.
It's like having a fever. You're hot because your body is working on making you healthy.
It makes you weak, so that you stop moving and rest so that it can work on its things.
You have to let it storm itself out all it wants. This is how you make yourself feel better.
When you feel bad - rest. Just like you would if you had a fever.

It is not that you make yourself feel good about yourself and feel healthy.
There is a storm by which you become healthier and only then, your psyche gives you a moment to rest by letting you feel peaceful.
It knows that there is a lot to process, so it has to resume its work at some point. You have to let it.

By letting it storm you are resolving your trauma. It is supposed to storm, as you've been through a lot.
Do not fight it. Do not push yourself too hard.
By doing that you are only make it more difficult for yourself.

[zoey101]

@Nahm Thank you, I will try that. 

@Feel Good I'm sorry.. I'm really trying, I swear... 

30 minutes ago, tsuki said:

What do you mean by crashing? I mean exactly, give me a description of what happened last time you crashed.

Well.. I guess not including my current "crash" because of the new employee... I had a good streak going for a while and was staying positive and as present as I could, but then I had a "failing moment" with my husband and it all kind of just rushed back... I stayed in bed for the whole day and felt like everything was just to heavy to move... I laid there trying to bring myself back up, but it's like a second voice was shouting even louder telling me that I am worthless and a failure... 

[Jack River]

@zoey101

Here is something for ya dudet

Edited August 1, 2018 by Jack River

[Arman]

46 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

I think you have to be psychologically minded in order to heal. 

Read more for a few years and understand the mind. 

Then try working on it. Prepare first. At the moment you are stuck at blue

She didn't fall into your model so you think she's not ready to heal

here's a counter perspective for anyone that thinks they're not 'prepared' to heal: healing takes no prerequisite knowledge, study or particular psychological or intellectual positions, just the willingness to grow and let go.

 

 

[zoey101]

Thank you guys.. but I think this issue may be beyond my abilities to fix.. I really don't want to waste anyone else's time here... I appreciate the advice and support.. but I think the only way I can fix this is with professional help... I can't afford it now.. but I will soon, hopefully.. I don't want to push anyone away because of this shit... So it's probably better if I just stop here.... I'm sorry for bringing it up...

Edited August 1, 2018 by zoey101

[Arman]

3 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

I don't want to push anyone away because of this shit... So it's probably better if I just stop here.... I'm sorry for bringing it up...

I'm afraid it's too late for that. You've buried us in your burdens and we all hate you for it. Every last one of us. I'm sorry  Apology not accepted.

 

[tsuki]

42 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

I stayed in bed for the whole day and felt like everything was just to heavy to move... I laid there trying to bring myself back up, but it's like a second voice was shouting even louder telling me that I am worthless and a failure... 

@zoey101 A ha! There she is! That's the other zoey.
Believe it or not - all she does is clumsily trying to motivate you to get your ass out of that bed.
Do you know why does she try to do that? Did anybody ever call her a failure to make her do things for her own good?

When she's storming at you, you have to try to convince her that calling you a failure will not help you.
When she pushes at you, you have to push back. Talk to her and ask her why is she so strict with you.
You have to have a relationship with the other zoey. You need that relationship, because that zoey is the one who able to be ruthless.
Even if you don't want to be ruthless, you have to know what it means for yourself.
If you do not make friends with her, she will always, ruthlessly, blame you for your failures.
She will bully you. Out of fear for her own well-being.

Please talk to her. Make her like you. If you have to, you will have to accept her demands until she starts to listen to you.
Just establish a relationship. Say hi. You can use a mirror.

Edited August 1, 2018 by tsuki

[zoey101]

2 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

4 minutes ago, Arman said:

I'm afraid it's too late for that. You've buried us in your burdens and we all hate you for it. Every last one of us. I'm sorry  Apology not accepted.

 

Yes. That's how zoe sees the world. It's sad 

I don't see the world like that... I just don't want to keep going and push everyone away... I know how this shit usually goes... this may be the deepest I've been able to go on this shit.. and I thank you guys for that.. but this isn't the first time I've tried to work through this with others... I know what happens when there's no immediate change.. everyone gets frustrated and leaves... so I'm just stopping before it gets to that point again...

[Faceless]

11 minutes ago, Arman said:

She didn't fall into your model so you think she's not ready to heal

here's a counter perspective for anyone that thinks they're not 'prepared' to heal: healing takes no prerequisite knowledge, study or particular psychological or intellectual positions, just the willingness to grow and let go.

 

 

Indeed...psychologically any attempt to cultivate the fact, (insecurity), to security, the (idea), actually only perpetuates that movement of insecurity. Because we are continually evading what is to what should be. Always escaping the problem. Fear evading fear remains a movement of fear. 

We think thought, knowledge, intellectual positions,(ideas, abstractions), can bring about a future state of psychological contentness, but to invite that movement of time, (thought; accumulated experience, knowledge, through memory), is actually only a form of procrastination and further acts as self perpetuation of confusion, contradiction, and conflict. This is actually sustaining and pushing away the actuality of freedom. 

Psychological freedom does not depend on time or cultivation. Psychologically time-thought has no place. Freedom is now or never. 

I agree with this @Arman, only I wouldn’t say psychological order depends on “growth”..to me that implies cultivation-time. I think what you are saying is great.

 

For me personally, Freedom was instantaneous and became an actuality when I saw the futility in seeking security in thought,(psychological time). When I saw that psychological freedom is always now, and to say I will be happy, content, and satisfied in the future by practicing, reading, accumulating knowledge, and so on, is only delaying complete action now.

 Thought always wants to rely on the future. And until then thought-self continues to self perpetuate. This is a self sustaining mechanism that feeds off itself. Thought can solve practical-functional problems in every day life, like providing oneself with food, shelter, and so on, by psychologically thought causes psychological disorder. 

However I do feel to understand ourselves free of all authority helps one to see the fact of all this. 

 

[Nahm]

@zoey101 Therapy can be helpful.    Overall, though, of course you can get yourself back to good. You just don’t realize yet how you have caused your “problems”. 

[Faceless]

@zoey101

I would start investigating psychological time. Once you understand what it is pointing at, start build an awareness of that movement of fear in motion in your daily life. 

Psychological time is the root to all psychological suffering. 

[zoey101]

@Nahm I know how I cause all of his... I know it's all me... 

@Faceless I'm not sure how to study that exactly... but I guess I will try google.. Thank you..

[zoey101]

12 minutes ago, tsuki said:

@zoey101 A ha! There she is! That's the other zoey.
Believe it or not - all she does is clumsily trying to motivate you to get your ass out of that bed.
Do you know why does she try to do that? Did anybody ever call her a failure to make her do things for her own good?

When she's storming at you, you have to try to convince her that calling you a failure will not help you.
When she pushes at you, you have to push back. Talk to her and ask her why is she so strict with you.
You have to have a relationship with the other zoey. You need that relationship, because that zoey is the one who able to be ruthless.
Even if you don't want to be ruthless, you have to know what it means for yourself.
If you do not make friends with her, she will always, ruthlessly, blame you for your failures.
She will bully you. Out of fear for her own well-being.

Please talk to her. Make her like you. If you have to, you will have to accept her demands until she starts to listen to you.
Just establish a relationship. Say hi. You can use a mirror.

I actually have an irrational fear of mirrors... go figure... but I get what you are saying... is that the kind of stuff that gets done through meditation..? I have meditated but just focused on breathing and silence.. so I'm not sure...

 

[Faceless]

13 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

@Nahm I know how I cause all of his... I know it's all me... 

@Faceless I'm not sure how to study that exactly... but I guess I will try google.. Thank you..

I never studied anything when I stoped pursing Psychological security. It’s a holistic seeing that the pursuit, seeking, striving for, is always a movement away from what is. 

Fear always wants to escape itself. 

The self is fear, and it avoids that fear and seeks security in time, the idea-abstraction, that “i will be” in the future. So thought,”the you” is always escaping the problem of now to a invented (solution), that lies in the future. 

 

 

Edited August 1, 2018 by Faceless

[Faceless]

@zoey101 

Thought invented the you, and “the you” depends on thought to solve the problems that thought creates. Lol 

self feeding loop⭕️

It may seem confusing now, but once you see the truth of the fact, there is freedom. 

The feeling is kinda like looking everywhere for your keys, not realizing they were on your head the whole time. 

You get that feeling of duh!! Lol 

Edited August 1, 2018 by Faceless

[zoey101]

1 minute ago, Faceless said:

@zoey101 

Thought invented the you, and “the you” depends on thought to solve the problems that thought creates. Lol 

self feeding loop⭕️

I kind of understand that...

I caused and created all my problems in my mind.. no one else sees them as a problem but me, so I need to just stop seeing it as a problem and just move on.. right..?

[Faceless]

@zoey101

the self-thought is always trying to seek psychological security in itself. Just be aware of that for now. 

If you look very carefully you will notice that this movement of fear is in motion pretty much all the time. When you are aware of this movement in yourself, in that awareness-attention, is action in, and of itself. When you are aware of that movement you see that it looses its power and dissolved on its own. 

Edited August 1, 2018 by Faceless

[Faceless]

Pay attention to the compulsion to always make yourself feel better by thinking certain “things” 

To observe and learn in that observation. 

To not seek to end the problem, but to build a relationship with the problem so you can understand it. Then in the understanding-seeing, the answer is born of the understanding of the problem. 

 

Edited August 1, 2018 by Faceless