What do I do with this?

[zoey101]

Hey guys, 

I have been working on "self-development" for a little while now and have been trying to dig just a little deeper these past few weeks. Things have been going pretty crazy around me and I just want to feel in control again, so I have been trying to focus.

Thanks to @Feel Good I dug deeper than I ever have before in just these past two days. I stripped away the superficial and external things and did everything I could to get right down to the core of "me" and made a pretty big discovery...

I hate "myself"..

Now, I know how dramatic that sounds, but it's the most honest I have been with myself in a long time.. It really is a depressing thing to consider... but I feel a little relieved too, because I feel like now I at least have something to work from.

I remember replying to a post a wile back talking about the "beast nature" in us all and I guess I understand it now.. The person I was before is still in me.. that "monster" can still come out at anytime.. it's just as much "me" as the "good me".. It sounds confusing but this is the best way I can describe it...

So I guess my question is, what do I do with this?

[starsofclay]

@zoey101 ive been there.... Now I'm sure you can see why self love and acceptance is such a big thing in personal development... If you were like me, before the realization(of self hate /loathing) , all the self love stuff just seemed like a bunch of woo-woo, or "that's just too easy and obvious to be the answer." 

Personally, I think this practice should be done before and after finding yourself, regardless of what you consider the self to be at that point. 

This comes with a constant forgiving of yourself, not only for the things it has done in the past, but for the constant things it will continuously do before "your" eyes, seemingly against "your" will.... And you just gotta love it.  And perhaps pray that it will learn someday. 

[Colin]

Here is the description from the book "Real Love" by Sharon Salzburg. I haven't read it yet, but reading this description makes me want to.

"You are a person worthy of love. You don’t have to do anything to deserve all the love in the world.

Real Love is a creative tool kit of mindfulness exercises and meditation techniques that help you to truly engage with your present experience and create deeper love relationships with yourself, your partner, friends and family, and with life itself.

Sharon Salzberg, a leading expert in Lovingkindness meditation, encourages us to strip away layers of negative habits and obstacles, helping us to experience authentic love based on direct experience, rather than preconceptions. Across three sections, Sharon explains how to dispel cultural and emotional habits, and direct focused care and attention to recapture the essence of what it is to love and be loved.

With positive reflections and practices, Sharon teaches us how to shift the responsibilities of the love that we give and receive to rekindle the powerful healing force of true connection. By challenging myths perpetuated by popular culture, we can undo the limited definitions that reduce love to simply romance or passion, and give the heart a much needed tune-up to connect ourselves to the truest experience of love in our daily lives."

[zoey101]

4 hours ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101

When you mentioned that you "deserved" a beating from your parent, who put that idea in your head? 

Think now. Be honest. 

I kind of just thought of it myself.. I hated being punished but not my parents.. I would get mad at them.. but I discovered later that they were only doing their best.. they sacrifice a lot for the family, even today.. but I wanted to be a "bad kid"... So they reached the best way they knew how... 

@starsofclay I want to be able to love myself... But I just don't see anything very lovable...

@Colin thank you.. I will try to look into that.

[zenjen]

I remember clearly when I came to this realization for the first time about a year and a half ago and I remember feeling the same relief of finally knowing what my core problem was. It seems like a simple insight but sometimes there are layers you need to dig through to truly find this answer for yourself, so I commend you for digging deep these past few days. Leo has a few videos on this topic that helped me, I recommend you watch and listen to them carefully.

[Nahm]

@zoey101 This is good. You’re taking a look. Becoming more aware usually comes with being more aware of some changes you’ve been wanting to make. 

Maybe you learned to frame things up as good or bad according to what you’ve been told, and it leaves you beating up on yourself for not being ‘good enough’ and seeing yourself through a lens of judgment. Then beating up on yourself for beating up on yourself. 

There’s a great reason that it doesn’t feel good. Who you really are, will never see without love. So you can choose to if you want to, but at least you understand why it doesn’t feel good, and a little more about the ego.  Don’t wait for a reason to love yourself. Love’s far more powerful than reason. 

 

[dorg]

I found self-love by not being anything at all.

[tsuki]

15 hours ago, zoey101 said:

I remember replying to a post a wile back talking about the "beast nature" in us all and I guess I understand it now.. The person I was before is still in me.. that "monster" can still come out at anytime.. it's just as much "me" as the "good me".. It sounds confusing but this is the best way I can describe it...

@zoey101 It really is the best way you can describe it. You are both evil and good at the same time and there is no contradiction.

The world is whatever it is. It doesn't introduce itself to you and describe itself so that you know it.
The only way in which it speaks is through people (they are a part of it), or through you (your thoughts).
The world by itself is blank like a Rorschach blot. You are a part of this world and you are just like that.
Deadly innocent.

Good and evil are words. They are no ordinary words in the sense that they are important.
Whatever you call good is what you wish to be.
If it exists, then you want it to remain that way. If it doesn't exist, then you want to change it.
Whatever you call bad is what you wish to be gone.
If it exists, then you want to change it. If it doesn't exist, then you want it to remain that way.
Wanting/wishing is not an empty thought. It is a feeling. You are compelled to act.
These words are used to share 'wanting' with other people. To test whether you want the same things.
If you say that abortion is bad, I may (or may not) get upset. This is how you know that we can work together.

What you are experiencing is the effect of your parents sharing their 'wanting' with you, by calling things good or bad in your childhood.
Children are not aware of what these words do, so they do not understand what saying 'being fat is bad' means.
Saying 'being fat is bad' is asking 'is being fat bad for you?' and expecting an emotional answer.
A child may not know what is good and bad for it, but that is also a valid answer, as the world does not speak by itself.
Parents that ignorantly call a child good or bad simply express their desperation.

So, how to cope with your situation in which you see yourself as good and bad at the same time?
There is no need to. You are starting to see the world as it is. It is a Rorschach blot. It is blank, empty, Śūnyatā.
You are getting wiser. Now start seeing everything like that. Other people as well.

Edited August 1, 2018 by tsuki

[astrokeen]

8 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

May be you deserved a good beating! Those children who are given some kind of punishment get their centers awakened within them.

 

This is absolute rubbish, Prabhaker. Your post needs to be reported.

 

Edited August 1, 2018 by astrokeen

[Prabhaker]

16 minutes ago, astrokeen said:

This is absolute rubbish, Prabhaker.

May be in western world it sounds rubbish, but in eastern civilizations nobody finds anything wrong in punishing children sometimes.

Even Zen masters hit their disciples with stick to awaken them.

[Nahm]

9 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

May be you deserved a good beating! Those children who are given some kind of punishment get their centers awakened within them. Within them the spine is straightened and strengthened. A determination arises within them. Anger and pride also arise and an inner strength is born and grows.

Now do your best with your kids! 

I’m asking for clarification...this seems to imply you are advocating the physical abuse of children ( “a good beating”). Are you? 

[zoey101]

@zenjen Thank you, I will try to watch this. 

@Nahm I keep trying to just wake up and BE the person I want to be, but I can't seem to let go of things from my past... It's frustrating because, logically, I KNOW that it's not a big deal, I'm different from the person I was.. I KNOW that I can be what I want by just being it... but my mind and body don't seem to want to catch up with that... If that makes any sense..

@Feel Good I became a mom myself and have been seeing how hard it can be sometimes.. So I have gained a little more understanding towards my parents.. My biggest fear is that my daughter will go through even just one bad thing I went through... I would sneak out of my house and be disrespectful to hem a lot... so I figured that's why I deserved it... 

@tsuki that makes so much sense, thank you.. but I still can't seem to push past it to a point of acceptance or forgiveness of the "bad parts" of me.. It's like I know all of the steps, agree with them and understand that I have the power to do it... but the application part just won't go... I can get myself to feel really good for a while. I like things about me, but then I just can't seem to hold onto it... and I end up crashing pretty hard..

@Prabhaker I am from a pretty traditional Spanish family.. We were spanked if we misbehaved... I wouldn't go as far as to say it was a full on beating... My mom told me about the actual beatings she got when she was a kid, we got off pretty luck compared to her.

[Nahm]

@zoey101 Yes I understand. It’s as if even though you have ‘moved on’, something has carried through the transition of ‘moving on’. “Waking up” can be a misleading term because it can imply adding & becoming, when in actuality it’s a process of deconstruction, of letting everything go to find out what Nothing is. 

[zoey101]

13 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@zoey101 Yes I understand. It’s as if even though you have ‘moved on’, something has carried through the transition of ‘moving on’. “Waking up” can be a misleading term because it can imply adding & becoming, when in actuality it’s a process of deconstruction, of letting everything go to find out what Nothing is. 

yeah... I want to let it all go.... 

[ajasatya]

@zoey101 do you hate a real thing or a thought?

what and where exactly is this thing that you hate?

Edited August 1, 2018 by ajasatya

[zoey101]

@ajasatya I hate everything... I feel like who I am now is just a fraud to cover up and hide who I was... I feel like everything I do is still tied to who I was and it is really hurting things.. I hate that I sold out everything I thought was "important" and "sacred" to me.. I hate that I feel like I still do it... I hate that I can't just get over it and be normal... 

I just hate all of it...

[cetus]

@zoey101 I just found this and thought of you. 

 

[Nahm]

@zoey101  Become aware of and understand what it is you’ll be letting go of; all beliefs, all conditioning, the entirety of the idea of what you are, what the world is, what life is, what “physical” is. Begin where you are.

What do I believe and why do I believe it?

Why do I impose limitations on myself and what I am capable of?

How did I acquire self doubt?

How did I learn that?

How did I learn to fear uncertainty?

How, when, in what way did I invite fear?

Why did I believe anything anyone told me?

What is even the usage of a belief?

Do beliefs free me or limit me?

What am I getting out of continuing to hold these limitations about myself, my capabilities, my potential, my future?

 

I am asking you for your answers to these questions. (In actuality, you are asking these questions of yourself.)

[zoey101]

2 minutes ago, cetus56 said:

@zoey101 I just found this and thought of you. 

 

Thank you. I do love Morgan Freeman's voice  it's soothing, I will try to watch this when I can.

[cetus]

@zoey101 It's a short video but the point made can change your entire life.