Priti Health Journal

[Preety_India]

Chapter 172

January 19

You will be a sucker, a victim, a prey, a piece of toilet paper, a football, a loser, a fool if you sandwiched yourself between a couple. It's a win lose game and you're the loser. 

Your needs and emotions and feelings need to be valued and considered important otherwise it's not worth it. 

I feel she is a good woman. This nk. I feel she just became a victim of his abusive tendencies. And she just let it on herself and she took the fall for everything 

I don't think it's her fault. Her only mistake was to believe him and not foresee the future. 

She has been dragged into this and she will have to live with this forever. I mean she borrowed trouble but people make mistakes. 

I hope she finds peace in her life. 

 

[Preety_India]

Love is more beautiful than anything else 

[Preety_India]

Still making it every day. 

 

[Preety_India]

God has a way for the ones who are lacking. 

[Preety_India]

Chapter 173

January 23

I've been busy shopping for the last five days. Just getting all the basic stuff to set up my mini home. Also got my periods. This time it was a bit tough. The past few days have been tiring and exhausting. Still made it through. I need to now make fixed morning and night sequence notes or SNs. This strategy has been extremely effective. 

Last night I discovered a new trick because I was forgetting my pill every time. My important med 

So I did the math pill trick. I counted the number of pills in the pill box. And then counted before and after. It should be one less. This way I can keep a track so that I don't end up overdosing. 

Things are not really smooth but kinda okay and manageable now at last. 

Got a couple of stuff to buy especially blankets and sheets. 

And then I'll be all set and done. 

I am getting there where I will finally have a smooth flow. 

Regarding him.... Terrible. Terrible experience this morning. He was being extremely rude. Very rude. He yelled at me. He was loud and angry and yelling. And he was about to go some abusive rant like a short fuse and so I just cut him off completely. Now he can't do that ever again. That's it. Final. Enough was enough. I took enough of his angry outbursts and then half hearted apologies. This was the last. I decided to pack up and leave. I mean.  I told him that he was being very rude. And then I said "Bye." that's it.  No more. 

I am not going back to him again. Ever. Never. It's over. Finally. And I'm glad. I went back several times but not this time. Hopefully he will learn his lesson and understand that people won't take anger politely. There is a boundary. 

He was extremely offensive over this entire week and I told him that. But he wouldn't apologize. So no problem. I won't give a sh* either. 

I have had done enough for him. Gave him so much support and all I get is anger in return. I stopped expecting everything from him but he has no right to insult me. 

He needs to reflect on what went wrong. But he is a narcissist so I doubt he will sit down and give it a thought. He will lay all the blame on me. And say all the abusive stuff and curse me again. 

I still love him and will always do but today was more than I could handle. It was totally unnecessary for him to just yell at me. I hadn't even said anything. I was being very polite and gentle with him and he wouldn't stop. I remained calm through his explosive psychotic manic rage at me. And he said nothing. No sorry. But anyway. 

I have been through it all. Nothing new 

He said the medication change might make a difference in his mood. He was on some opioid oxycodon  before fo his pain and I guess that made him miserable and angry all the time. 

This time his doctor Claire suggested him to take suboxone. The new med was supposed to be safer and less addictive. Manage his mood and all that. But what the heck. It's still the same. 

He has been taking it since a few days. He was acting nice for the past few days and I felt hopeful. 

But this morning he complained about how he was allergic to it or maybe he could be. So he wanted to ring the doctor's office again. 

But I'm not convinced. I mean whatever. He is acting like his old self and much worse this time. 

His mom told him that he has drug addiction issues and he needs help. 

If this is the way he's s gonna push people away then he will disrupt every relationship in his life and everyone will get tired of him at some point. I guess that's what happened with him. He lost everyone to his addiction and anger problems. 

He was complaining about how my mood swings are not going to be his problem any more. This morning. What a joke. He never sees what's wrong with him. 

He can sit on his a* and kiss it if he wants to. I'm not going to be his doormat and put up with his antics. 

Everyday he needs a new reason to create chaos.

[Preety_India]

January 27

This is it. I give up. I feel upset and hurt. I want to be with someone who understands me and cares. 

[Preety_India]

January 28.

Chapter 174

I realize that I'm emotionally dependent on him. This is not good but also not bad. I want some emotional support from him. When he is with him I feel happy. 

I get separation anxiety when he doesn't talk. 

It is so unreal. Like Borderline personality disorder. But I've never been this way. In fact I like to stay alone. Most of the time. But I really want him. I love him. It's difficult to let go. My emotions are very unstable. 

When he says something good to me and our conversations are good I'm usually happy and cheerful. 

It's so sad he doesn't know this. He doesn't realize how much he makes me happy. 

His text early morning is like a fountain for me.. 

Every day I wait. 

Haha this is funny. But I am crazy in love. 

I know this is a toxic love. But I like him. Today I had a very happy conversation with him on the phone. We had a good talk. Almost 2 hours and I wasn't getting tired. 

In fact I loved it. I was so delighted after that.

Edited January 28, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Hopefully he will be with me forever. Fingers crossed. God will help me with this. I really like him. In fact I was head over heels in love with him. I still am. 

 

 

Edited January 27, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I feel emotionally vulnerable and overwhelmed. But one day everything will get sorted out. 

I've downloaded some interesting games.

Hay day, wild west frontier, let's farm and township. 

[Preety_India]

January 28

Chapter 175

I woke up from a dream today that my mom was beating me. She lunged at me and gave me death threats and began to attack me and I was trying to defend. It was a nightmare and I was sweating when I woke up.

It's a reminder for me to stop all communicating with her. It's God's way of telling me that she is not good for me. 

I want peace of mind. So the best thing is to stop talking to her. 

 

Edited January 28, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

January 28 Monday 

Chapter 176

Today is a good day

Using the new concept of sequence tickets or sequence slabs. Basically similar to sequence notes but just in long thin rectangular ticket form stapled together and with use and throw advantage. Write two things or tasks on it that needs to be done right away or is suitable for the current time slot and then after finishing immediately discard the ticket by tearing it off. 

This technique prevents from writing over and over on sequence notes and avoids the need to create too many new sequence notes that cannot be easily discarded.. 

These sequence tickets can be easily discarded even after finishing just one task and even if 1 urgent task is written on them. 

It also doesn't need to carry writing material all the time. 

 

 

Edited January 28, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

January 29

Chapter 177

The concept of sequence and precursor and outcome. 

Precursor and then event and then outcome. 

If the precursors are present and the event happens the desired outcome is achieved. 

A vicious loop forms when the precursor is absent and the event cannot occur and therefore the outcome is not achieved. 

Also in the absence of the absence of the precursors, negative pre-factors are present that lead to negative event or undesirable sequence of events leading to bad outcomes. This is downspiralling..

While in motion, either of these is happening. These are 3. 

1. Positive precursor, event, desirable outcome 

2. Vicious loop. Lack of precursor, absence of event, no positive or desirable outcome achieved. This is a trap. 

3. Negative pre-factors. Undesirable sequence of events. Downspiralling to bad outcomes. 

 

Edited January 28, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

January 29

???

900 clicker points from 1st January till 29th January. 

 

[Preety_India]

February 1

Today is the day. Finally.. It's tough to deal with this. But I'll get through somehow. 

I hate how everything has happened. 

But anyway. It's something I'll eventually get over. I'm glad that I don't have to deal with anymore bs. 

[Preety_India]

God can change the ugly duckling into a fine thing. God loves you. Always remember that. Let God create the best out of you. 

[TheAvatarState]

22 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

God can change the ugly duckling into a fine thing. God loves you. Always remember that. Let God create the best out of you. 

I.e. Get out of your own way!! 

[Preety_India]

I have finally decided to move out. It happened on February 13. It was just a bad day and what a coincidence. I sat in the gym all day long. My brain was fried. I couldn't think. I was depressed.

Then finally I made the decision that I have to do this. One way or the other. It's just too much. 

I found the place on February 15th. I went out in the night totally exhausted. I had been traveling all day long. That day I was losing hope. 

I didn't get any calls from the ads I had responded to. No nothing. 

Glad I finally got something at the end of the day. It was a blessing. Then came 4 more grueling days with my feet aching after constant walking for hours. 

My stomach was ruined. I was vomiting non stop and I had diarrhea. I couldn't cope up with the pressure of sudden stress. I was burned out. 

I got my periods at around the same time leaving me even more exhausted. 

I took a break for a few days and it was excruciating. 

I woke up the last day.  Feb 21st was my birthday. I didn't celebrate it. I was too upset. 

Then came D day.. 

It was just yesterday. I kept screaming at her. I got violent. I couldn't take it anymore. All the verbal abuse was getting to me. 

I just was too frustrated, exhausted. I couldn't deal with so much stress. I screamed loudly. And the neighbors came 

They tried consoling me and I wouldn't stop crying. I told them everything. All the years of abuse through childhood and the harassment I went through. 

I felt brain dead after they left. My head was blank. I just couldn't think.. My pressure was high. I felt helpless. 

For an hour I just sat thinking what could I do. Then I gathered some courage and got up and left to that "Room". I will call it my "escape room."

I was very aggressive. I had to calm down. 

Then I got up and left. 

I didn't return for the night. I came back early morning to get some stuff. I hadn't eaten. 

Today I came back to get some stuff again. 

But I'm happy at last. 

It's freedom at last. From all the chaos.. Hopefully everything will go according to plan and I will be able to go there in peace. 

I hope I don't die in the process. Because this time is the worst. I am a bit scared and tensed thinking if I will even be able to have my freedom. God knows. 

 

Edited February 26, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm feeling acidic. It could be the excess heat. It's tough. This month feels much hotter than expected. 

Don't know if I can make it through the summer. 

But I celebrated my freedom with a cake. 

My boyfriends birthday is coming up. In March. I have to arrange for that. Oh God I'm happy. I am so happy with him. 

Last month I thought to break up with him. But all is well again. I miss him. He is the only one who makes me happy. 

I'm happy that I can celebrate his birthday in peace. 

 

[Preety_India]

March 1st 2019

So today is his birthday. I got a cake for him. Got it customized for him. I'm so happy. 

I love him

 And I have finally moved. 

Two important points right now 

1. Time is a premium and my greatest resource right now. 

2. I have to jot down all things before I go to bed, so when I wake up in the morning, I don't feel blank and I don't end up wasting precious time. 

3. I have to fully focus on my health. This is my only chance and my last Chance. 

4. I have to make good use of the freedom that I have got by cutting ties with my family and finally moving out. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Using the new concept of sequence tickets or sequence slabs. Basically similar to sequence notes but just in long thin rectangular ticket form stapled together and with use and throw advantage. Write two things or tasks on it that needs to be done right away or is suitable for the current time slot and then after finishing immediately discard the ticket by tearing it off. 

This technique prevents from writing over and over on sequence notes and avoids the need to create too many new sequence notes that cannot be easily discarded.. 

These sequence tickets can be easily discarded even after finishing just one task and even if 1 urgent task is written on them. 

It also doesn't need to carry writing material all the time.