Priti Health Journal

[Preety_India]

Chapter 82 

I know I know, I know what's happening with me. I'm just not crazy 

My emotions are just in a tailspin that is all. 

I am thinking about 2 different concepts that came to my mind a few days ago. That is emotional strength and emotional expansion. Very important ones. 

Emotional expansion means experiencing a wide range of emotions both from positive to negative. And the deepest side of the negative and the extreme side of positive. 

It also means that you experience intense emotionally challenging or psychologically challenging experiences and situations like a plethora of emotionally twisted or inert or subtle or situations involving emotional conflict or turmoil, and experiencing psychological impact of deeply emotional experiences, both good and bad. This opens up emotional maturity and extension and expansion of the emotional experience index/spectrum. Also it brings psychological experience and psychological maturity and psychological radar opens up. I can call this the psych-radar. The psych radar sharpens. Now you're easily able to detect and understand psychopathic behaviors. 

This is not all encompassing, in the sense it does not include all experiences of life like experiences related to health or financial disaster or the system or law enforcement or career etc. Just emotional experiences. So mostly relationships. 

However these experiences are intensely involved with the most personal part of our lives. 

The other added benefit of such an expansion of the psych radar is that they also help in daily evaluation of even those who are just acquaintances solely on the basis of body language and communication. What a person is really about is easily visible through what they write or speak. The way they communicate their different ideas. It is a wealth of information into the person's psyche. This field should be called "language character decoding." that is decoding a person's character based on their language or words. So instead of saying eyes are a window to the soul, it should be words are a window to the soul. 

 

Edited November 13, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 83

The other concept is emotional intensity or emotional strength. 

This means how intensely emotional you're about something. How much emotional value you attach to someone, an object, a goal, a desire, an event, a past incident, etc etc. Higher the emotional intensity higher is the passion. Passion helps achieve goals. 

Thus emotion is a central key to motivation. 

 

 

 

Edited November 13, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 84

The other concept is basic narcissism. This is healthy because it is basic. Toxic narcissism is dangerous. But some basic narcissism is necessary for self preservation. 

It involves a strong self protective instinct, the ability to say no, draw boundaries, make others get along, be strict, not give in easily, not to fall in trap of other's judgement and validation,draw clear lines, express honestly, be assertive and self confident, be emotionally free and not dependent, bringing power to yourself. 

Edited November 13, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 85

Suffered from flu on 10 November 

Edited November 13, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 86

This has never happened to me before. This is mind blowing. All thoughts just percolate my mind. Never before. I don't need to decide anything. Decisions just flow.  Everything just clicks in my head just like that. 

I have become so acutely aware of even the most minor things. 

A minor statement or a minor change and a minor difference in the human  weather is enough to alert my senses.. Now I just know what it means. It's like I already know everything and it doesn't bother me anymore. I have become matured enough to accept the disgusting side of others. 

Edited November 13, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 87

Keep your psych radar always on. 

Edited November 14, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 88 

Moving onto greener fields. 

Today is November 15. An important day. 

Lot of the stuff needs to be sorted out. 

 

I need to take things strictly. Need to devote myself more to myself lol. Yea the agenda is surely going to change and the focus will be me. Haven't had that for quite a while now.. I am also thinking of something like time compression. And how to get more done in less. 

Today all toxicity goes away. 

 

Edited November 15, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 89

How to increase emotional intensity. 

Zee expansion and intensification 

• Feel an emotion
• Think about a situation 
• Invest your emotion and purpose into your goal. 
• Show love 
• Feel the vibration 
• Pray on it 
• Be deeply engaged 
• Constantly feel the same emotion. Bring up the same emotion
• Reiterate this emotion 
• Repeat the thoughts.
• Remember and repeat.
• Be deeply attached. 
• Be passionate. 
• Make this an important life's mission 
• Be completely devoted 
•  

Edited November 15, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 90

You cannot lie to a mirror. 

Edited November 15, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 91

Saturday 17 November 

Feeling bad. When can I get out of this jinx. 

 

Edited November 17, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Chapter 92 

 

I am going to break the Jinx. 

 

I'm going to get out of it today. Now or never. 

 

It takes a lot of resources to build a life. 

Edited November 18, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The true meaning of life is realized when you have transcended everything, when you have become one with the ocean 

[Preety_India]

Chapter 93

I had a severe headache today morning. 

Even yesterday. 

November 22. 

 

(.   Hackle, curved hackle, fishmouth, roundabout, sea-wave, top A or half A, Straight A,    double dip, double whammy, pocket, far shot, back sling, flamingo, twister, even or unique spread, chaos strategy, deflection, sync or flow, trapping, break strategies, spin strategies, diamond shot, middle shots, ribbed or ribbon shot, slow ribbed or full ribbed, roller shot, angular shots, perch angular shot or small L, double ringer, double ringer sea wave. ) 

Edited November 23, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm thinking about what Godliness means and how it heals. 

 

And I get the instant answer that godliness means love. 

[Preety_India]

Chapter 94

Godliness saves us. 

Today I got a lot of concepts in my head. 

One thing is that morality is very important and it is a sign of godliness and sacredness or divinity. 

Godliness comes with natural intelligence and intuition.

There is something that is socially cohesive and then something that is not growth oriented or productive or socially   cohesive. This is a key personality trait. 

Some people are just creepy when they are not positive enough. Such people are sadistic 

Love heals. Sadism kills 

 

Morality is not just a way of life. But it is sacred. 

Godliness is eternal devotion and love. It is restorative and productive and supportive. It is curative, that is it heals. 

Desperate people under desperate circumstances do desperate things. 

Emotional freedom is absolutely essential. 

Self awareness is very important. 

All our vices get the better of us. Our vices are the Satan. 

Ability is extremely extremely important. 

Without brains and ability it is tough. 

Two absolutely essential requirements in a character are goodness and intelligence. Stupidity brings harm and destruction. 

God knows you. God sees everything, hears, feels everything.soul. The ear of the soul. He listens to the voice of the soul. When the soul is in agony, it gives out a scream and this voice of genuine pain is heard by the all - knower. He cares and finds a way to fix the pain. He knows the truth about you so you have nothing to worry. He knows and understands your flaws and why you do what you do, so do not be guilty. In his heart, you are already forgiven. This means God is the ultimate empath. 

He understands and therefore he cares. In God we should trust because he will take care and fix things when he will know what is hurting you. He will make peace and liberate and save you. He is the guardian. The ultimate guardian angel. He will save you from eternal pain and misery. He will take you to a safer place and give you peace and love. He will comfort you and bring you back to life. He will regenerate you and keep you in love and growth. If he brings challenges and turmoil, it will be to wake you up and for your own good and safekeeping. Through everything he will show you the way. He will keep you secure therefore do not stress or get anxious. Do not worry. Let him know and do what is best for you. Let him be the saviour of your life. This is a difficult road called life. Let him be your helper and guide. Thy will be done, only if you truly confess all your hopes, fears, guilt and openly and innocently trust and open your heart without blemish or corruption and not hide and be totally trusting and free from bad intent and sneakiness ,no phoniness, with total openness and goodness and complete innocence approach him and tell him all you feel and what you need and your pain, sorrow, guilt dislike, frustration, hopes and fears and dreams and let him workout the best for you. Let him hear your cries. Let him know that you trust him. 

One thing. If you trust Him completely, he will neither betray nor forsake you. He is merciful not a spectator or sadist or psychopath. He is an empath and a doer. He will love and hold you close and do your will. Hence do not fret or lose hope. Hope finds a way and will creates it.. 

Have faith in him and he will show his divinity through your life. He will put in motion all the events in a way that will be the best for you. He will hear your cries and do justice to your soul. His godliness is a great force, his godliness is great, his greatness will be shown and will save you from falling into the black hole of the wicked destinies. He will save you from vices and he will save you from the beast. He will know and fix your flaws. You are his prodigal child. He will forgive and understand your human frailties. Your imperfections. But he won't judge and feel you down. Rather he will uplift and fix your troubles and not let the flaws cause you to suffer or let others suffer through you. He will protect you from ultimate abuse of judgement and give you hope so that you overcome the flaws and shine like a star and reflect his greatness through what you become and what you attain. Your freedom is his obligation. His mercy is your birthright. Do not be parched. Do not be deprived. Give yourself wholly to him and trust him and let him into you. And be totally free and open and innocent of intent to him. And he will never abandon or hate you. He will love more than you deserve. And he will a true companion and healer. His compassion is great and your life will be a testimony of his compassion for you. 

Do not let the cruelty of life absorb you and throw you down the dungeon. Be calm, ask him help and he will provide. Trust him and he will change your soul if its impure. Trust him and his intelligence will guide and survive you. 

Give your heart to him in complete faith. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 25, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

You never really loved me. I can't trust you. You are not trustworthy enough. What is to say that you won't divorce me in the future. It seems pointless. You plant seeds of doubt in me. You don't assure me of a anything. This is not healthy. Why should I put myself in jeopardy. I mean why should I trust you. I have observed you and I'm aware of who you are as a person. You have a lot of past baggage that you are not ready to forget. You haven't gotten over. You don't move on. If you want a new person in your life you need to forget the old person completely and not even talk about them. Just ridiculous. You cannot leave seeds of doubt. It's your responsibility to create trust. I feel like that you can discard me anytime you think I'm not suiting you. That's not how things work. You cannot keep the other person on a razors edge. They are going to feel insecure and move out. 

I'm sorry, I don't trust you enough to just surrender my life to you. I have done that before. Trusted someone and got betrayed. Is my life a toy for a man's desires, his playground that he can play on. I have wasted too much time on frivolous people. I need a solid person. A person of words, of trust and integrity. Not someone who instantly plans to just drop me. This is no game and my life is not on the line for it. I have low self esteem that emerges from childhood issues, I agree, I don't need to pay it with my life. I will recover and move on and heal. I need someone who won't ever leave me no matter what. Not all this messy bullshit and baggage. Too much tension and chaos. Sorry I can do better. And even if I don't I can live happily alone, I don't need to trouble myself more with all the drama that a man creates. I'm too hurt and jaded. I don't need a man's lessons on life. If a man is not trustworthy enough then no need to be with him. I don't need a circus. I have seen far too much, known too much, seen a lot of bs around me, and experienced a ton of stress through all of this. I deserve happiness, low self esteem high self esteem doesn't matter. I should find happiness in a more deserving place,in a man I can fully trust with my emotional well-being. I ain't gonna risk my emotional well-being with another player or seeker of women, I have given into that game before and come out hurt and betrayed and painful and deprived. I will not attach my emotions to another man in the name of love and let him play with my feelings again, and give him the chance to just ruin my emotional health for his entertainment in life. Too much of that bullshit. I have been naive in love. Dumb as a rock. I am not going to be smart anytime sooner. But c'mon. I do deserve better than my heart being broken every time and then feel abandoned and discarded. I do deserve some loyalty for my loyalty. I can't let someone just walk all over me just because I'm blind in love. Why should I deserve that? I don't deserve games. I'm a serious person inside. I need pure commitment, like lines in stone. I am giving my heart. That's more than giving money. I am not giving my heart for it to be played with. I am giving my emotions so that they can be respected. 

And if you can't respect my trust and loyalty, fine, find someone who is game for all your whims, I will try to find someone I can completely trust, no more feeling heartbroken and crying in despair that someone left me just like that. Like an abandoned puppy. Nah nah nah. I'm not some toy. Even animals get treated better. 

I need a companion for life. I will be happy with someone who is solid as a rock in his intentions to be with me. Who is totally invested in me and my well being and expects the same out of me. 

No more uncaring people.. Enough. 

 

 

Edited November 24, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Chapter 96

 

I don't need no crapp.

Anyone who is trying to be extra extra intelligent and logical is nothing but selfish. All their logic and judgement they can keep to themselves. They are trying too hard to justify their domain. They are calculating their odds and bets. I need a dummy. A basket case who can get along fine. They are using too much grey matter and less heart matter. Their objective concerns they can fulfill with the person who fits all their parameters like a hand in a glove. They can find the person who they will have nothing to complain about. Leave my back and let me find the one who I can be happy with. They are looking for maximization of their personal advantage and that's not love but, what they get and how much they get, not waiting for this kind of judgemental love that rests on the proceeds of a gamble, they can join the club that satisfies them,thats not deep love but love made on a bet, love is the longing to be with someone you truly care about, there are no ifs and buts, they are no odds and bets, there are no profits and losses, there are no too logical returns and conclusions and analyzes, there are no, "what about me", there are no objective deductions, there is only and only one thing, an emotional attachment, a love, a giving, a wanting, a commitment, and deepest unbreakable loyalty. 

Edited November 25, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello

Hey its me 

0.26.Yeah, what's up 

Nothing Mike, Can you please come here. 

Say it, listen, I don't want to fight with yah

Honestly 

I can't help you

Don't you understand what just happened 

0.41

What they're saying is not true 

How is that possible

Look, I'm sitting here, it's not true, it's not possible 

You wouldn't even give me 2 mins to talk to you 

But it's not possible 

Babe. 

What they are saying is not true 

How in the hell did I hear it and see it? 

Look I heard what you heard but it's not true. 

 I heard what you heard and I saw what you saw , it's not true

Everything they showed you, they showed me

... and how are you telling me that? 

I'm giving you my word that it's not true

 

What do you.. 

Dalia, I couldn't help you even if I wanted to. 

Mike please I need an attorney....please...Can you please help me? It's not true

Your father was here and I spoke to him. 

1.31 He's gonna go talk to your mom. 

I called him for you. 

Alright... 

Right? 

Dalia.. Mike

Everybody knows where you're at. I took care of it. 

Mike... I know that..... I need your help, okay?... Cause it's not true. 

I understand what you're saying. 

How do you explain what I saw and heard? 

Mike I have a limit on my phone call.

1.49 You know more than anybody it's not true. 

Just give me time so I can talk to you.

What are you going to say? 

I saw it. 

I heard it. 

I saw what you saw, and I heard what you heard. 

Okay, wh-wh-wh-and what the fuck? 

You said you wanted to have me killed. 

I heard that. 

That's not true

That is not true. 

2.07 How should I feel? 

How can you believe that? 

I heard your voice 

How can you believe it? 

That isn't the point... Heard you say it. 

It's not. 

I heard what you heard and it's not 

2.21 What did you.. What did I hear then? 

I heard you say - -.... 

I heard the tape. 

Okay, I heard the tape and I saw pictures, and I saw the whole nine yards, I saw all of it. 

So, why would you meet a fucking BLACK guy in a parking lot? 

Explain that. 

I'm sitting here on the phone. I will tell you when I see you in person. 

Please

You're not. I can't come there anyway. I'm not allowed there. 

That's not true. 

Who said that? 

They tell you that on purpose. 

That's not true. 

Dalia, I don't know what you could tell me. 

Even if 

Let's pretend that "dohhh! It's all better".. 

I can't - - they're charging you right now! 

Don't you get it? 

 

Mike I didn't do anything. 

Please

I don't know what to say to you. 

I can't help you. 

It's out of my hands. 

You're not even trying. 

3.09 

What am I supposed to do? 

You're supposed to get an attorney Please. So I can talk to you. 

Sighs.... 

You know one thing after another one thing after another

3.20

You can't explain this more. 

Y'know? 

C'mon, man. 

That's what you think. 

Wh-what do you mean you didn't get him? 

You met a guy in a parking lot and..... 

Mike, you know me okay? You needed me yesterday....

I took you right to Fort Lauderdale because of fix, because of this because of that.. 

Every time you need me, I am here for you. 

3.36 Every single time, and there is no denying that. 

So why would you meet a guy in the parking lot, and I hand him twelve-hundred dollars, and say.. "yeah I want him dead." 

I didn't pay anybody 1200 dollars. 

Period. 

So how did they get your voice on that tape recorder? 

Mike, I'm limited with my time please

Okay, can you please tell my mom, please? 

Whaddaya, what can I do? 

You can get an attorney, please? 

3.59

Scoffs 

(scoffs) 

Is she gonna call me? 

No, why would she call you? Call my mom 

I did call her already. I spoke to her and she didn't believe anything I said. 

... And I didn't say anything bad. 

I let her know what.

You didn't want to help her. I already talked to my mom. 

You didn't offer to help her. You just said, "okay, well, you know, whatever" 

You gotta be kidding me man

Dalia.... I heard you say that shit 

Mike..I'm telling you right now,okay.

4.30 you, you can't fix it. ?

You are nothing to me. 

You need to get your lawyer. Your mom's gonna getcha. 

I spoke to your brother. 

.. and you need to just fucking handle it. 

Because Dalia.. Listen. if I go screaming to the judge 

whatever I say, "oh.. it's okay, it's okay." 

They're charging your ass. 

Mike, it doesn't matter. Period. 

Doesn't matter? You could  hire five fucking lawyers. 

They're charging your ass. 

They have your voice, your face.

4.52 Everything on tape. 

You're in a lot of fucking trouble. 

I'm trying to help you out. 

How are you trying to help me? How? How? 

Because I'm trying to get your head, fucking, get off the bullshit. 

.. and understand what's going on here. 

What bullshit would that be? 

Dalia, I already know. 

I'm sitting here. My time is running short. 

How are you gonna tell me that you didn't say it, and you didn't do it? 

When I saw you say it 

And saw you do it. 

5.21 Do you have any idea how I was when they told me what supposedly happened to you? 

How I got and I was, and how everything? 

Right and you wanted me fucking 500 or 5000 percent dead. ?

5.30 

That's not true. 

You're absolutely sure. 

That's not true 

I heard 

I heard what you heard and I saw it. That's not true. 

Ah.. Oh oh oh ok. 

And what did you hear then? 

I heard the 5000 percent sure. I heard.... Um.oh...what else did I hear? 

5.44

I heard the whole thing. Everything you heard, I heard. 

And now what.. 

And what are you concealing about it? 

I never wanted you dead. 

Period. 

I never paid anybody. I never gave any money. I never anything. 

What did you pay him for? 

I didn't fucking do anything.

Why did you see him then? Why were you exposed to video camera and fucking tape recorder? Why? 

Can you meet me in person so I can talk to you? 

No

Why why why 

Explain that to me right now. 

6.17

Why the fuck should I? 

Because you know me. 

Okay, whenever you need me, I'm there for you. Period. 

6.25 You know that. 

... or am I not? 

Sighs... 

 

You couldn't even get off the couch the other day, and I cleaned and I brought you dinner. 

And I this and I that. 

... and I always think of you. 

You're always taken care of. 

No. 

You're always everything. 

..... I never..... Ever ever ever ever... 

In my wildest dreams,ever want that for you... ever. 

Well you said it, Dalia and I.. 

 

No [I did not] 

No I did not say anything. Period. I didn't  say anything. 

I heard you. 

 

Mike I didn't say anything. 

I heard what you heard and I didn't say that. 

 

What the fuck? I heard you say it. How did you not hear it? 

I mean how did you not hear it? 

I heard you. I heard you. 

I saw you. Y'know?. 

 

I saw it. I heard it. 

I don't understand what you're arguing with me about. 

And what were those two safety deposit keys? What do they do? My money? 

No. They're just papers. What are you talking about? 

The sets of keys they found in your purse. Is that where my money is hiding me right now? 

7.24 No. They're just regular papers. 

Nah..

7.28  They were safety deposit keys. 

I know what they fucking look like. 

7.31 Right... and I've got papers. 

That's it

Well listen. 

7.39 I  don't know how you actually have the nerve to sit here and lie to me now. 

I don't understand. 

Like, I fucking heard you say it, Dalia. 

7.45 I saw your fucking mouth do it. 

Okay? 

I can't help you even if I wanted to.. do you get it? 

Why don't you want to? 

It's not in my fucking hands. 

You're not even trying 

It's different if you're trying, you're not even trying. 

 What could I possibly do for you? I don't get it. What could I do? 

You're not even trying. 

Trying what 

8.07 I'm fucking sitting here like a dumbass!! 

Hmm. Please. Okay, they're getting ready to take me Again. 

Dalia... I'm just. 

Listen, I'm gonna give you some advice and you need to listen. 

8.18 You're gonna be running around in there for a little while. 

Couple days 

You need to just try and fucking relax 

... and fucking just go with it. 

8.26 and keep to yourself. 

... and don't say a lot. 

8.30 Mike, I love you.. 

don't do this to me. 

I swear to God, everybody's treated me awful here, I can't do anything to you. 

You know me. 

I didn't want to do this. They were awful to me. 

I love you. I can't help you. 

There's nothing I can do to help you. 

y'know? 

Know what I'll do? 

Y'know what I'll do for you? 

8.56 Seriously. 

What ?

8.58 Sign my house back over to me, and I will help your mom.... Eventually. 

Gimme my house back. 

That's it. 

That's it, what? 

I'll help you. 

So I don't have to go through all the fucking legal system bullshit I have to go through already. 

What does that mean? 

It means sign my property back to me.. that you stole. 

That's what you're thinking and I didn't steal anything. 

Alright so listen.. 

I'll have the papers sent to you somehow. 

You'll sign them over to me. 

and then I will help your mother. 

K? 

I am not signing anything.

I know you wouldn't sign anything. I knew that wasn't gonna happen..so I can't help you. 

If that's what you're thinking about, I'm sitting here rotting... 

.. and you're thinking about a house. 

Dalia you tried to have  me killed. 

That's not true 

9.45 you're a fucking liar. 

You're a fucking liar. 

What did your mom say? 

She's not saying shit. She's sitting there. 

The fuck's my mom sayin'? 

And what? 

Check it out. 

9.57

My mom. Your mom. fucking everyone else's mom. They're all out of it. 

Do you know where you're sitting right now? That's fucking reality? 

I can't fix it. 

I just offered to help you, and again,you have the balls to say no to me. 

Okay? But I can't help you. 

How do I believe that you're gonna help me if I do that? 

Cause you know why? 

'Cause I'm the only fucking person on the phone that's ever done what they said they were gonna do. 

Me!..... See

I don't know 

How do I believe that? 

Dalia, don't say shit.

10.23 I just said I'd help you. 

K? 

You just basically said, "fuck you" to me. 

Which is hilarious considering your situation.

... and considering what the fuck just happened today. 

Have your mom call me? 

10.34 I'll talk to her about it. 

... and I told you what I'd do. 

I'll fix it. 

I will help you. 

But you gotta fucking do the right thing

 

Alright? Okay 

10.43 I have to go, I'm getting finger-printed now.

 

 

Edited November 24, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

You need to get your lawyer. Your mom's gonna getcha. 

I spoke to your brother. 

.. and you need to just fucking handle it. 

Because Dalia.. Listen. if I go screaming to the judge 

whatever I say, "oh.. it's okay, it's okay." 

They're charging your ass. 

Mike, it doesn't matter. Period. 

Doesn't matter? You could  hire five fucking lawyers. 

They're charging your ass. 

They have your voice, your face.

4.52 Everything on tape. 

You're in a lot of fucking trouble. 

I'm trying to help you out. 

How are you trying to help me? How? How? 

Because I'm trying to get your head, fucking, get off the bullshit. 

.. and understand what's going on here. 

What bullshit would that be? 

Dalia, I already know. 

I'm sitting here. My time is running short. 

How are you gonna tell me that you didn't say it, and you didn't do it? 

When I saw you say it 

And saw you do it. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 24, 2018 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

   

Chapter 98

 

No headache. 

November 25

 

What Im looking forward to is going to be gigantic.. 

Brick by brick you build your life everyday. 

I've to optimize and I've to control a lot of different things at once. 

Talk therapy every day is a huge way of not only improving communication and expression and past regression, therapy and venting out, but also understanding what is going wrong currently that is improving presence of mind and mindfulness. Being more self aware and understanding what needs to be fixed currently and what is causing problems or what could be the source of future problems and early detection of red flags. 

 

Edited November 25, 2018 by Preety_India