I need some SERIOUS strength right now..

[Key Elements]

35 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

what do i write..?

Anything. Whatever you feel like. If your daughter asks you why are you writing, just tell her that mommy loves to write and self-reflecting.

For me, personally, I started practicing a foreign language in my doodles/writings. It just came to me one day. My mind started planning lightly.

[zoey101]

4 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

Anything. Whatever you feel like. If your daughter asks you why are you writing, just tell her that mommy loves to write and self-reflecting.

For me, personally, I started practicing a foreign language in my doodles/writings. It just came to me one day. My mind started planning lightly.

I wouldn't know were to start... I used to journal daily, but it go me into a little trouble with my husband when he found it.. so I stopped writing down anything personal like that...

[Key Elements]

41 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

I wouldn't know were to start... I used to journal daily, but it go me into a little trouble with my husband when he found it.. so I stopped writing down anything personal like that...

Geez. That sounds like too much. He wouldn't even allow you to practice a skill via writing?

How about if you record your voice in your smartphone? Bring a little notepad hidden in your purse or somewhere hidden.

See, this is what I'm thinking. The both of you, husband and wife, need to be more independent of each other. At least to me it seems that way from what you're describing, and also to learn how to trust each other eventually. Independence is key. Independence is love. Otherwise, it will be hard to develop yourselves. 

[zoey101]

3 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

Geez. That sounds like too much. He wouldn't even allow you to practice a skill via writing?

How about if you record your voice in your smartphone? Bring a little notepad hidden in your purse or somewhere hidden.

See, this is what I'm thinking. The both of you, husband and wife, need to be more independent of each other. At least to me it seems that way from what you're describing, and also to learn how to trust each other eventually. Independence is key. Independence is love. Otherwise, it will be hard to develop yourselves. 

I agree.. I do think my husband is very possessive of me.. and treats me like his child sometimes.. it would be nice to just do something with out having to get permission.. but I also very much dislike the potential for a fight..  

[Key Elements]

36 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

I agree.. I do think my husband is very possessive of me.. and treats me like his child sometimes.. it would be nice to just do something with out having to get permission.. but I also very much dislike the potential for a fight..  

Try to find whatever way you can to write stuff down, even if it means recording your voice while you're with your daughter at the playground, and e-mailing your voice to yourself. 

[zoey101]

1 minute ago, Key Elements said:

Try to find whatever way you can to write stuff down, even if it means recording your voice while you're with your daughter at the playground, and e-mailing your voice to yourself. 

Alright, I will try. Thank you!

[zoey101]

27 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

Your shadows attracted each other so you can help each other self actualize. 

The hard bit is developing self awareness of what is happening. The ego and the pain body need to survive so it will create all kind of delusion and rationalisation to stop you from direct observation. 

I'm all about it.. I want to understand why I feel, think, and do the things I do... I want to feel more in control than I do now... but when it comes to writing things down, I don't exactly have too many "hiding" options... when my husband would find them he would get really pissed and say that he doesn't want to be reminded of my past shit.. so rather than fighting and telling him how ridiculous that statement is, I just stopped... One less thing for him to yell at me for.. 

[John Iverson]

24 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

I'm all about it.. I want to understand why I feel, think, and do the things I do... I want to feel more in control than I do now... but when it comes to writing things down, I don't exactly have too many "hiding" options... when my husband would find them he would get really pissed and say that he doesn't want to be reminded of my past shit.. so rather than fighting and telling him how ridiculous that statement is, I just stopped... One less thing for him to yell at me for.. 

If you want to understand yourself, make a time for it..  have sometime being alone.. contemplating for everything ., make time.. 

 

i'm not sure if we have a control but for what i am experiencing right now, we don't have the control,.because we have our own karma... you do what you do because of your karma. It is there to your own body and mind we don't have the control but the thing is we can untangle our karma by yoga... yoga is designed for that there are more reasons to do yoga than to meditate hahaha yoga is stronger, and beneficial 

 

what do you mean of """"when it comes to writing things down, I don't exactly have too many "hiding" options... when my husband would find them he would get really pissed and say that he doesn't want to be reminded of my past shit"""??? Is your husband against to you? Writting your own journal??, if that's so, He is not the captain of your life.. he is supposed to help you the fact that you don't have the money to purchase a therapist, he must understand that the other option is to write down what's on your head.. if he cannot able to stomach what you wrote down then don't make him read it..and say it, just don't read it! ? in the first place journal is personal.. use onenote to write a journal.. it have a password... set a password for it.. you must have your own personal activities .. it is like going to gym.. for example.. it your own personal activity., whatever your activities in life he should not the one who decide... ?

 

 

 

 

 

[zoey101]

17 minutes ago, John Iverson said:

If you want to understand yourself, make a time for it..  have sometime being alone.. contemplating for everything ., make time.. 

 

i'm not sure if we have a control but for what i am experiencing right now, we don't have the control,.because we have our own karma... you do what you do because of your karma. It is there to your own body and mind we don't have the control but the thing is we can untangle our karma by yoga... yoga is designed for that there are more reasons to do yoga than to meditate hahaha yoga is stronger, and beneficial 

 

what do you mean of """"when it comes to writing things down, I don't exactly have too many "hiding" options... when my husband would find them he would get really pissed and say that he doesn't want to be reminded of my past shit"""??? Is your husband against to you? Writing your own journal??, if that's so, He is not the captain of your life.. he is supposed to help you the fact that you don't have the money to purchase a therapist, he must understand that the other option is to write down what's on your head.. if he cannot able to stomach what you wrote down then don't make him read it..and say it, just don't read it! ? in the first place journal is personal.. use onenote to write a journal.. it have a password... set a password for it.. you must have your own personal activities .. it is like going to gym.. for example.. it your own personal activity., whatever your activities in life he should not the one who decide... ?

I don't know, he just feels like when I write about the things I did, especially the parts with the guys, it's like I'm "keeping some kind of trophy" for it.. He thinks I want that life back more than I want him... No matter how many times I tell him I never want to be that person again.. He takes it all personally and I don't know how else to tell him that this is all me... it's my fault, my problem, and I have to fix it... He didn't do anything wrong... but he can't seem to understand that..

[Widdle Puppy]

I don't even know what to do right now myself... I haven't been this down in years.... Literally every thought and label I'm placing on myself and my life is so bad right now.... I feel completely helpless... what the fuck...

[zoey101]

5 minutes ago, Widdle Puppy said:

I don't even know what to do right now myself... I haven't been this down in years.... Literally every thought and label I'm placing on myself and my life is so bad right now.... I feel completely helpless... what the fuck...

Is this how you feel? 

[tsuki]

@zoey101 I just read this thread and I feel heartbroken. You seem very lost within yourself.

From what I understand, you have a burning desire for acceptance. That is extraordinary. It is not a flaw. It is a strength.
All you want is for others to feel good in your company. This is why you want to conform. To be exactly like others want you to be.
There is nothing wrong in doing that. It's admirable.

Your will to please others is so deep that not only you want to please them, but you also want to please yourself.
You want to feel good in your own company, just like everybody else. That is what self-love is.
You have a past that you think would upset others. That is why you hold it as secret.
There is nothing wrong with having secrets from people. All you want to do is not upset them. It's okay.
The problem is that you cannot have secrets from yourself. Not because it is bad, but because it's impossible.
You cannot feel good in your own company by keeping secrets from yourself.
That is why you need to do something different than simply wanting acceptance. You have to accept.

Acceptance is similar to pleasing others. It's practically the same thing, but seen from the other point of view.
Can you locate this person that is evil within you, that you do not want to expose to others?
All you have to do is to become a person that would make this 'evil' you feel good. 
Just the way like you do it with other people. You show them the nice you. Show the nice you to the evil you.
Talk to her, like you want to be her friend. Don't be afraid of her and don't hate her.
It is very important to get along with her, because you are in it together and forever. She will never leave your side.

The point is to make her your friend, so that she doesn't have to work behind your back.
Yes, she is working her thing all the time. It's not wrong, she has every right to do that.
In fact, she has a great strength as well. She will do whatever it takes to survive. You need that.
You have to get along with her, or else you are in for a tough ride.
Just become a person that would make her feel good about being who she is.
She will take care of you, like she takes care of herself. You just have to become her friend.
That is what acceptance is from the point of view of pleasing.

Edited August 1, 2018 by tsuki

[John Iverson]

16 hours ago, zoey101 said:

I don't know, he just feels like when I write about the things I did, especially the parts with the guys, it's like I'm "keeping some kind of trophy" for it.. He thinks I want that life back more than I want him... No matter how many times I tell him I never want to be that person again.. He takes it all personally and I don't know how else to tell him that this is all me... it's my fault, my problem, and I have to fix it... He didn't do anything wrong... but he can't seem to understand that..

I see now the problem.. the problem about your husband, he doesn't fully accept you , he doesn't fully accept you in a way that your past he must accept and love that... he judge you and i see he doesn't want zoey in the past... He thinks that it will comeback, that is toxic  ... very very toxic, in a relationship .. i don't know if he don't trust you? I don't want to say conclusion on this one but trust is very important... and he is having also a hard time dealing his peace of mind about it.. he don't understand you, and the situation.. i'm sorry.. i hope he could listen to you  to say that what you do is your outlet for you to move on  

Edited August 1, 2018 by John Iverson

[Key Elements]

@zoey101 I've been reading your thread, and I just want to add: do activities that will bring out the best in you. What has happened in your past that you don't like right now is already history. Now, what are the lessons that you've learned? Take it as lessons and move on because looks like this case happened "a million years ago." Sorry that you have to work with that guy. I know that you're keeping it professional, and that's good. That's all you could do for now. I've mentioned it already, and I know it can be a long process, but look forward to having fun and gaining a skill that will make you fully independent. 

[zoey101]

@Feel Good I checked out the OneNote that @John Iverson mentioned. I am going to try that and keep a password on it, for now. I'll just see how that goes. I do want to assert myself.. I was able to tell the guy at work that I am not willing to risk everything I've worked for because of him.. I told him I will go right to the administrator, even if it is his fucking uncle... He has left me alone the past two days, for the most part..

@tsuki thank you... I get all of that and I agree with it all... Now if I could just get the rest of "me" on board...

@John Iverson my thoughts, exactly... but I can't seem to get it through to him..

@Key Elements thank you.. I am trying to get into reading more about this issue.. I have like 50 articles saved and I hope they help me, even a little...

[John Iverson]

40 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

@Feel Good I checked out the OneNote that @John Iverson mentioned. I am going to try that and keep a password on it, for now. I'll just see how that goes. I do want to assert myself.. I was able to tell the guy at work that I am not willing to risk everything I've worked for because of him.. I told him I will go right to the administrator, even if it is his fucking uncle... He has left me alone the past two days, for the most part..

@tsuki thank you... I get all of that and I agree with it all... Now if I could just get the rest of "me" on board...

@John Iverson my thoughts, exactly... but I can't seem to get it through to him..

@Key Elements thank you.. I am trying to get into reading more about this issue.. I have like 50 articles saved and I hope they help me, even a little...

Don't let him initiate a conversation, act as if you move on, do your work.. i know this is hard.. let him see that you are not affected.. don't talk to him.. talk to him if work related.. don't open up about the past, this is the time that you must guard yourself.. what do you think your action if he is not related to your past? He is just an applicant?? Then do that.. do you see what i am trying to say here?  if he initiate a conversation don't mind him.. if he gets too irritating say it to your superior or to someone that can help you...  say something like what he is saying is unethical hahaha do that! Hahahaha 

[zoey101]

@John Iverson I will try, thank you

[John Iverson]

8 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

@John Iverson I will try, thank you

You can do it!! Fighting!! Haha

[Key Elements]

@zoey101 Oh hmm...ok.

I notice something else in your thread that would be a good idea to be addressed. Imo, this is a subtle / personal issue, and our stage orange society doesn't even bother to think about these things. There's nothing wrong with the person if he/she has this boundary. You talked about "having sex after marriage." That's a healthy boundary. It's also healthy to stay virgin till after marriage. When you're single, just make sure that you picked someone with the same boundaries and is not dogmatic, and of course decent/decent job at least/hardworking/has goals etc. Hard to find now! That's why work hard, get actualized, and meet the one.  I noticed that most ppl in our society only understand being loyal after marriage, but don't understand having other boundaries without the dogmas. It looks too "woo-woo" to them having extra boundaries. However, it's not good planning or healthy to live life without any boundaries or too few boundaries. Think about this.

Think about this too. It's totally ok to call yourself a Christian, and yes do notice ppl in other religions -- totally fine. But, also notice that there are ppl who drop the religion and say, "I'm not a religion or a race. I'm also not an atheist."

[zoey101]

26 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

@zoey101 Oh hmm...ok.

I notice something else in your thread that would be a good idea to be addressed. Imo, this is a subtle / personal issue, and our stage orange society doesn't even bother to think about these things. There's nothing wrong with the person if he/she has this boundary. You talked about "having sex after marriage." That's a healthy boundary. It's also healthy to stay virgin till after marriage. When you're single, just make sure that you picked someone with the same boundaries and is not dogmatic, and of course decent/decent job at least/hardworking/has goals etc. Hard to find now! That's why work hard, get actualized, and meet the one.  I noticed that most ppl in our society only understand being loyal after marriage, but don't understand having other boundaries without the dogmas. It looks too "woo-woo" to them having extra boundaries. However, it's not good planning or healthy to live life without any boundaries or too few boundaries. Think about this.

Think about this too. It's totally ok to call yourself a Christian, and yes do notice ppl in other religions -- totally fine. But, also notice that there are ppl who drop the religion and say, "I'm not a religion or a race. I'm also not an atheist."

I've already broken every boundary I had for myself... I don't really know where to go from there...