I need some SERIOUS strength right now..

[zoey101]

8 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101

Wow! You're really in a pickle then if you can't see that self service is also an act of love. 

Devastating. 

I don' see how using and hurting people is loving... even to yourself... 

[egoeimai]

2 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

I don' see how using and hurting people is loving... even to yourself... 

Dear pretty girl,

Hurting someone (+yourself) is like never gonna make you feel better or make up for something in the past. You truly know this. As much as you want to judge and fight and spread hatred,you know,deep in your heart,its not going to help. 

I always say that you gotta see whats more important to you,your well being or your ego. Choose.

[zoey101]

5 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

Because you were not loved as a child. And you had to express your pain somehow. If not you would have gone mad. 

Everything you did was innocent and a way to cope so you could get to the next stage. That's how love works, it tries to find a way no matter what the adversity

I was loved as a child. Very loved, my family was very strong..

I went crazy because my current husband broke up with me when we were just dating back in high school... I couldn't handle it because i thought it was because he got what he wanted from me (sex, I was a virgin) and was done... That wasn't the case... bu it didn't matter at the time... I felt like that was the only way someone would want me... so I just lost it...

[zoey101]

9 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

Dear pretty girl,

Hurting someone (+yourself) is like never gonna make you feel better or make up for something in the past. You truly know this. As much as you want to judge and fight and spread hatred,you know,deep in your heart,its not going to help. 

I always say that you gotta see whats more important to you,your well being or your ego. Choose.

I don't want to spread hatred or hurt anyone now... I want to be better than that...

[zoey101]

10 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101 loved children are resilient in adulthood. They don't "need" their partner or go off the rails because the partner broke up with them.

You were not loved and you sought that love in your partner and when he didn't fulfil that need you went crazy

I think I was just attracted to the "rebellion"... my family has always been really tight and supportive... I betrayed a lot of things that I was raised to find "sacred", like losing my virginity out of wedlock and using drugs... even if it was just weed in the beginning, I never wanted to try any of that...

My relationship with my husband was pretty insane and toxic on it's own... and it left me pretty broken and empty feeling... 

[zoey101]

1 minute ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101 But why did you feel the need for your rebellion to be accepted outside of your childhood?

The terrible twos are often met with disagreement by parents and the child represses their rage and rebellion in order not to be abandoned by their world. It's terrifying for a child to rebel because it may mean abandonment. 

The threat of abandonment means disapproval and disapproval means you were not loved as you are in your completeness . 

You sought that later in a safe space and you were abandoned again. 

Like I said... I didn't appreciate what I had... I don't know what happened exactly... but I just stopped caring and that hurt people, including my family... I can remember my dad shouting one night when I was about 16, clear as day, "what, are you a whore now?" because of a pretty lewd text I got... I got angry and was already a little strung out so I was going to just leave and the next thing I remember is my sisters and dad holding me down and when my mom came I panicked and kicked her... She lost it of course and beat the shit out of me... I deserved that...

They were nothing but loving and supportive and I just stopped caring...

[zoey101]

@Feel Good Thanks for trying... I'm sorry I wasted your time... 

[zoey101]

1 minute ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101 Seek professional help 

yeah... that's about how it usually goes... I can't afford it... but thank you... 

[Key Elements]

@zoey101 This is a very brief music video that I would like to share. I shared it already, but I would like to see if we could get something out of it. It's a sweet song, and two classmates/children are in it:

What do you make of it, zoey? To me, it brought me back to a moment in time of my childhood. Remember when we were children? We did so many things naturally. We could block out other distractions easily.

Notice how the boy, when he wants to do something, just takes out an orange crayon and starts to draw in a notebook, whatever he feels like drawing. The girl is doing the same too. When she feels like dancing, she does it--independent of the boy.

But, when we grow up and become adults, we forget what's important to us. The girl in the music video could have grew up to be a ballet dancer and continued to block out distractions with ease, but as an adult in the adult world. Do you see? We somehow lose focus of what's important to us. 

[zoey101]

7 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

@zoey101 This is a very brief music video that I would like to share. I shared it already, but I would like to see if we could get something out of it. It's a sweet song, and two classmates/children are in it:

What do you make of it, zoey? To me, it brought me back to a moment in time of my childhood. Remember when we were children? We did so many things naturally. We could block out other distractions easily.

Notice how the boy, when he wants to do something, just takes out an orange crayon and starts to draw in a notebook, whatever he feels like drawing. The girl is doing the same too. When she feels like dancing, she does it--independent of the boy.

But, when we grow up and become adults, we forget what's important to us. The girl in the music video could have grew up to be a ballet dancer and continued to block out distractions with ease, but as an adult in the adult world. Do you see? We somehow lose focus of what's important to us. 

Yeah.. I remember being like that once... 

[zoey101]

1 minute ago, Feel Good said:

I'm not abandoning you. I'm here for you always. Just go to the people who can help you. You are not a problem, it's just that I cannot help you over this medium. Anything I can do a professional will be able to do better anyway. 

Sending you my love. Don't give up xxxxx

Thank you.. I tried talking to my husband about getting professional help in the past and he said we just don't have the time or money for it... I guess that's why I come to forums like this.. looking for a quick fix... I know I need help... but I can't just drop everything for myself anymore... I have to think about my family.. and we just aren't in the position for me to be selfish again... 

[Key Elements]

45 minutes ago, zoey101 said:

Yeah.. I remember being like that once... 

We could still find ways to be like that, even now, when we're adults. Unleash the creativity within and say to yourself, "Bring it on!" no matter what.  (I'm not talking about being aggressive. It has to do with problem solving.)

[zoey101]

1 minute ago, Feel Good said:

I know. You are trying to fix yourself. This is love being selfish. 

You know you were not loved. You told me. You want someone to listen. I know how it feels. It's desperate. You opened up to me and you think I might abandon you because of the horrors. You know deep down you didn't deserve that treatment.  you know you are worth more. 

Yes, you have to think of your family you dear soul. That is beautiful. I wonder who thought of you when you needed them the most? 

Who gave you the love you needed that you dare not deprive your children and husband of? 

 

God, I guess... But I know how this forum is about Christianity.. so I will just leave it at that... My husband loves me... he tries to be supportive and affectionate... but I don't make it easy sometimes... it doesn't really matter.. I have people depending on me... so I just need to snap out of this and work... 

[zoey101]

8 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

We could still find ways to be like that, even now, when we're adults. Unleash the creativity within and say to yourself, "Bring it on!" no matter what.  (I'm not talking about being aggressive. It has to do with problem solving.)

Thank you... I will try to think about that..

[Key Elements]

@zoey101 Notice how the children are not bothered about the money or fame or what happened to them the previous moment. They are in the moment enjoying themselves. Heck, they're not even doing it for anyone.  They're just doing the activities. We do learn from children.

Do you notice that anything we do that is worthwhile is giving? The little things we do add up. At least as adults, we could plan. We are not as spontaneous as children. We just have to find ways not to overthink and let our emotions run wild.

[John Iverson]

9 hours ago, zoey101 said:

I have watched a few videos... but I don't get too many chances to watch YouTube... 

Grounded by means of your own values, what are your values, 

there is a new Leo, and Leo that is in stage orange, ground yourself for the meantime to the old Leo, try to spend more watching videos about Leo way back when he is in that stage.. try to search top 10 values,,... start from there.. and ow!! He has a video about past,,.. try also to watch that.. start there and watch and watch more videos

[John Iverson]

2 hours ago, Key Elements said:

@zoey101 Notice how the children are not bothered about the money or fame or what happened to them the previous moment. They are in the moment enjoying themselves. Heck, they're not even doing it for anyone.  They're just doing the activities. We do learn from children.

Do you notice that anything we do that is worthwhile is giving? The little things we do add up. At least as adults, we could plan. We are not as spontaneous as children. We just have to find ways not to overthink and let our emotions run wild.

Work this out @zoey101 this is hard tho, but i also recommend this, do yoga, and meditation to let go things from the past.. if you can do psychedelics in a very small dose that do it.. you don't have to do trips because you are busy, but you can MICRODOSE you can do it even if you are busy , you can let go emotions from there..., i see that you are affected by him.. but try to take psychedelics by microdosing.. see what wisdom you will have if you take it before the day you see him 

[zoey101]

@Feel Good youre right.. I know that... Honestly I haven't really ever been pushed this deep into this issue.. it feels a little nice I guess.. thank you.. I think i have realized one thing about my "ego" and I need to work on it.. 

@Key Elements yeah.. I think I can get really caught up in things... If things don't go according to plan or they just go completely insane I have trouble staying present and aware... I worry about too much sometimes...

@John Iverson I am terrified of any drug stronger than weed, honestly.... I know they can help.. but I don't want to enter any possibility for falling back into addictive tendencies... But thank you..

[John Iverson]

6 hours ago, zoey101 said:

No.. I'm scared of becoming the person I was before now.. I was raised in Church and had so many good things in my life and I didn't appreciate it.. I wanted to experience the "rebellious" parts of life, I guess you could say... I spent a good couple of years just strung out on pills and uppers and being a pretty despicable person... this guy was a huge part of it.... 

It scares me because that is still in me... I still think about it from time to time and I hate that I've felt that that life was so much easier than now.. and I've missed it... That's what scares me... 

And this situation doesn't help in any way... It sucks...

I see this while reading your posts, i see it coming, you are in this forum to grow, to become someone that will matter, to become great, to become conscious, you are here for a reason, don't let yourself and your past hinders you to become it.. go on.. make changes, change your mind.. or choose to transcend it.. say to yourself i will not do it again.. start to your mind first.. it starts from you,.. if you want do drugs choose mushroom haha lsd hahaha it is healthy...

we have terms from that e, tukso in tagalog.. tukso means temptation, but it is better to say tukso than temptation from what you said here... it is better term to you .. you are tempted to do it right? Think also what are the consequences? Try to think what that guy do? Think your family, your daughter, your husband if you do it, if you give in to that temptation or tukso, that guy can manipulate you.. is that what you want? Manipulation? It will make your LIFE situation  harder for you ...you must see this coming zoey... before its too late

[John Iverson]

6 hours ago, Feel Good said:

Thank you for clarifying 

I'm still a little confused as to what your issue is because for me reading your answers things seem undifferentiated, and by that I mean it seems as if you can't articulate so that a separate entity with their own history and personalty can relate clearly. 

Of course, you know exaclty what you are saying, I just need to establish that I understand you concretely before moving on. 

So let me reply back to you what I see. 

You used to be what you consider a bad person because you wanted to rebel against your upbringing in your church community. And now you hold resentment for yourself for being what you consider a bad person? 

And now you judge yourself for what you did in the past and you believe that judging yourself now will prevent you from becoming that bad person again? And to complicate matters you see that your life was so much easier and simpler before, when you were that "bad" person, and that realization is confusing you because it's shouldn't be so that "bad" people should be happy? 

 

 

She is tempted do it again... that's it.. haha and that guy will manipulate her again if she give in to her temptation