I need some SERIOUS strength right now..

[zoey101]

So things have been pretty up and down in my life, as of late, but I have been doing everything in my power to keep a sense of perspective and stay positive about everything being thrown my way. I know God has given me the power to handle anything, because He never gives me more than I can handle, but I need some real strength to endure this newest challenge... 

So I have been with my job for about 4-5 months now and we had a new guy start today and it has been pretty rough for me even though it's only been a few hours... The guy that started was one of my "old friends" from back when I was a reckless and fucked up teenager.. And he is also apparently family to the head administrator here... He was one of the guys I would sleep with in exchange for drugs and other shit... I thought he was going to be put upstairs in the call center, but they changed things around at the last second and now I am the one training him at the front desk... 

I am trying not to make anything of it, but my heart has been pounding this whole time.. He keeps having to get close to me to see what I am doing on the computer and I get flustered.. 

He has only made two comments about the past... asking if I was still into any of that bad stuff anymore and when I told him I was married and a mother now, he said that he "doesn't mind" and just smiled... I have him sitting at his own desk from across from me.. but I have to keep going over there to train him... I don't want to make a big deal out of this.. but this is hard...

And what about my husband?!? Do I tell him? What if he gets really angry and blows it out of proportion... The last time I was in a similar position to this, he almost made me quit my job... 

I don't know what to do you guys...

[zoey101]

3 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101

Have you watched any of Leo's videos? He has laboured for hours and created lots of content that would help you with these issues. The reason I say this is that I have studied Leo's material for a couple of years now and most of the problems you tell us about could be dealt with by grounding yourself and really getting into his material for a while.

I have watched a few videos... but I don't get too many chances to watch YouTube... 

[zoey101]

3 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

Maybe you can substitute your time on the forum and do some self development work? 

This is not to say that the forum is not useful. 

Are you maybe using the forum as a crutch so that you don't have to take responsibility for your own learning? 

I'm on this forum during my "free moments" at work... I'm not aloud to watch videos or even have an ear bud in so I get what I can... Once I am home, I have no time for it because I get home late and it's straight to dinner and bed.... So I am trying to get what I can, where I can... This forum helps...

[zoey101]

2 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101

Yes. To do self development requires a base of fundamental or foundational (as Leo likes to say) knowledge. Then the discussion can take place after the basics have been learned.

Imagine if I'm a computer programmer who holds a degree and you are a lawyer who's only contact with computers is sending emails. 

Imagine if we met at a party and started small talk and then I launched into serious discussion about the nuts and bolts of computer programming. 

How would it feel to you did not have that foundational education in computer programming? 

Lost?

I suppose... but Leo gives majority of his advise and lessons through videos... I don't have the chance to watch them because of work and lack of time... Is there a written/typed version that I could use...?

[zoey101]

@Feel Good Thank you... I will try to look into it.. This shit just had the worst possible timing...

[egoeimai]

Dont give your attention to people that dont matter to you,sweetie.

Ignore it.

Give your attention where it belongs.In valuable and important things. Focus.

[zoey101]

7 minutes ago, egoeimai said:

Dont give your attention to people that dont matter to you,sweetie.

Ignore it.

Give your attention where it belongs.In valuable and important things. Focus.

I am trying... have been trying... but it seems like once one thing is seemingly over, the next "fuck you" has to come in and mess things up... I just want a break from all of this... one thing after another... its so much...

[zoey101]

3 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

You can let go of the outside world if you can find yourself. When you centre yourself in your self the external won't bother you anymore. You won't be looking for things to change because you have all you need inside. 

As an experiment try grounding yourself in your physical body more. Literally feel the energy in your hands and feet. Feel the aliveness that you are. If you have any numbness then investigate what is going on with your relationship to life. What are you holding inside? What are you not forgiving? When you make it conscious you can let it go. But you have to be honest with yourself. And you have to take 100% responsibility for your inner state, which means that you understand on a deep level that it's not the current situation that is making you unhappy, but you are making you unhappy. 

...I guess it's a hatred of myself... or at least the "self" I was back then... But i will try... thank you...

[zoey101]

1 minute ago, Feel Good said:

When you hide your judgements from yourself and project them onto the outside world you suffer and it seems as if it's the outside world that is tormenting you. 

You have to learn to be comfortable with being judgemental.  If you can't be ok with being judgemental then you cannot change your judgements because they are appearing "outside" of you. 

Are you avoiding admitting you are judgemental? 

no... I know I am very judgmental of myself... I am so scared of becoming that person again that it hinders things in my life... I know that.... I feel disgusted with my body because of the things I have done... and it makes it hard to be intimate with my husband... I hate that part of me... I try to just let it go... but I can't seem to stop feeling like I can't... 

It's easy for me to find the good in others and to encourage them... but when it comes to me... I don't know why I can't just be that way to myself...

[egoeimai]

1 hour ago, Feel Good said:

 I like this

❤

[zoey101]

1 hour ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101 Ah. Is that your anxiety - that you will become a "judgemental person"?

Be honest 

I don't think so... I don't know... 

[zoey101]

8 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

What person are you scared of becoming? Judgemental? 

 

No.. I'm scared of becoming the person I was before now.. I was raised in Church and had so many good things in my life and I didn't appreciate it.. I wanted to experience the "rebellious" parts of life, I guess you could say... I spent a good couple of years just strung out on pills and uppers and being a pretty despicable person... this guy was a huge part of it.... 

It scares me because that is still in me... I still think about it from time to time and I hate that I've felt that that life was so much easier than now.. and I've missed it... That's what scares me... 

And this situation doesn't help in any way... It sucks...

[zoey101]

3 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101 So you judge so that you don't deviate again? 

Trying to understand you 

I judge myself... I try not to judge others because I know I am far from perfect... So I try to just stay in an encouraging and loving mindset when it comes to other people... 

Edited July 30, 2018 by zoey101

[zoey101]

5 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

Thank you for clarifying 

I'm still a little confused as to what your issue is because for me reading your answers things seem undifferentiated, and by that I mean it seems as if you can't articulate so that a separate entity with their own history and personalty can relate clearly. 

Of course, you know exaclty what you are saying, I just need to establish that I understand you concretely before moving on. 

So let me reply back to you what I see. 

You used to be what you consider a bad person because you wanted to rebel against your upbringing in your church community. And now you hold resentment for yourself for being what you consider a bad person? 

And now you judge yourself for what you did in the past and you believe that judging yourself now will prevent you from becoming that bad person again? And to complicate matters you see that your life was so much easier and simpler before, when you were that "bad" person, and that realization is confusing you because it's shouldn't be so that "bad" people should be happy? 

 

 

that's sounds about right... it's a pretty insane way of thinking...

[Colin]

@zoey101 You revealed something in this exchange that I can see more clearly as an outside observer. The lack of self-love for the"wrongdoings" of your past are self-sabotaging yourself in more ways than you can imagine.
 

I like the affirmation audio for multiple reasons. It has forgiveness, self-love, letting g, overcoming challenges. It will probably be hard for you to use this because your beliefs are the opposite of everything that is said. If you react viscerally to these statements it is a clear sign that you believe the opposite. It also has an audio emdr quality which has extra benefits as well as the soothing benefits of music.



The audio has to be used daily indefinitely to get any real benefit. As well as your focus and processing.

Also, check out this program if you have the interest
 

 

[zoey101]

@Feel Good I don't know.. I want to believe at least an 8... but it's probably closer to a 3 or 4, if I'm being totally honest with myself...

3 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

Let's go back to the past and tell me about this person you used to be

I'm not too sure what more I can say without sounding judgmental of it... I was pretty much ready to sell my self.. in a pretty literal sense... I didn't care about anything but making myself happy.. I wanted to feel Idolized by men and feel like I was on someone's mind.... 

it isn't my proudest moment...

[zoey101]

4 minutes ago, Colin said:

@zoey101 You revealed something in this exchange that I can see more clearly as an outside observer. The lack of self-love for the"wrongdoings" of your past are self-sabotaging yourself in more ways than you can imagine.
 

I like the affirmation audio for multiple reasons. It has forgiveness, self-love, letting g, overcoming challenges. It will probably be hard for you to use this because your beliefs are the opposite of everything that is said. If you react viscerally to these statements it is a clear sign that you believe the opposite. It also has an audio emdr quality which has extra benefits as well as the soothing benefits of music.



The audio has to be used daily indefinitely to get any real benefit. As well as your focus and processing.

Also, check out this program if you have the interest
 

 

Thank you.. I will try to download it and see if I can listen at some point..

[zoey101]

22 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

@zoey101

Thank you for sharing this with me

I want to hear more about the old you. I think if you can speak as her again you can move on. I have had my own problems in life. Similar to yours. My journey through life has been incredibly tough, like you can't imagine. I have experienced the lonileness of needing to be wanted - by anyone, just anyone, even a stranger in the streets- I would look at a complete stranger to see if they approved of me. If the did I was in heaven. And I wanted so much to be able to take it further with them, but i couldn't, I was so afraid that they would reject me. My world would collapse if I dared show them that I needed them to heal me. Such was my need for someone to affirm me. 

There is a lot I don't even remember because of being extremely high all the time... That whole section is just an insane blur of awful things...

I was desperate and pretty pathetic and not too much has changed in the pathetic aspect... I try to encourage others because it helps make me feel good... I want others to feel happy and to not feel what I have felt... I have done just about everything I told myself I never would growing up... I just wish I could redo it... but I can't... so I just try to make sure that the people I encounter aren't hurt by me in any way... It's kind of the only way I know how to "make up for it", I guess...

[zoey101]

8 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

 it's so unfortunate. 

Look at the way in which you use words to condemn yourself. 

Look. Just look. Look at how you perceive yourself. 

Just look my friend. 

Its so sad. So so sad that you judge yourself like this. 

 

...but it's not un-true... I did those things and hurt people with my actions... I didn't care... I just wanted to do what I wanted and it didn't matter how I got it... I thought I was being a strong and "sexy" woman... but it was nothing like that... I know I was wrong... 

[zoey101]

2 minutes ago, Feel Good said:

You may have hurt people. But that doesn't make you bad. Just because your actions were not fruitful at the time, doesn't mean that you as a person who was self centred at the time was bad in their essence. 

I consider pick up artists behaviour as unconscious, but I still love the person inside because the person is not the behaviour

The person  is a field of potentiality. Potentiality can't be fixed to a specific behaviour.  And anyway, behaviour in and of itself isn't bad, Its only bad in a specific context. For example, if i stole an apple to feed myself if I was starving to death I would not consider stealing "bad" - in fact, I would consider stealing in that context love because it was a life saving action. 

Yeah... nothing I did was in the context of love though... just self...