Ideal Sexual Behaviour Of The Single Human Male

[Gavalanche]

This is something I've been struggling to come to grips with for a while (pun intended). Ladies' opinions welcome too, obviously!

I feel like there is no real map or plan or role model available in this area. (Although Elliot Hulse seems to have some good ideas)
Is there a guide or roadmap somewhere to show single young men how to manage their sexual desires in a physiologically and mentally healthy way?
There seems to be so much contradictory material out there and even if you do find something interesting, it is usually only a "New Tab" away from an abundance of stimulation in the form of porn.

To me it seems like quite a complex issue. Most advice seems to swing from one extreme to other, not allowing for much nuance.

All I really know are my own feelings on the subject, which are as follows:

The ideal situation appears to be to have a healthy, respectful sexual relationship. If that's currently not an option, what is the ideal way to behave, from an actualizing point of view?

Sex is good, as it's a beautiful (sometimes) innate part of what makes us human.

Casual sex is ultimately unfulfilling and often involves a high degree of conscious or unconscious manipulation of other people.

Using people for sex is bad.

Continuing a sexual relationship with somebody you like, but with whom you don't ultimately see the relationship going anywhere, makes me feel like an asshole so I usually put an end to things.

Which leaves you single again.

Masturbation is good, because it seems like a good idea to keep all of the plumbing fully functional.
Masturbation seems to help me deal with stress and clears my mind to focus on other goals and work.
Too much is bad. But how much is too much? Are you essentially acting like an addict if you do it every day? Doesn't seem to align very well with higher consciousness goal of detaching from stimulation.

Porn is dangerous because it's so readily accessible and has the propensity to mess up the reward circuitry in your brain. 
And by "porn" I don't just mean that hyper-unrealistic stuff, but more amateur stuff and webcams with strangers.
I really can't figure out if it's morally wrong engaging with porn, if it's healthy or if it's really just a waste of time.
I have low energy levels (separate issue I'm working on) and sometimes it seems like lying there watching porn and masturbating is all I can bring myself to do after long stressful days working. Definitely at my weakest when very tired.

Masturbating to porn makes me feel devalued afterwards (possible due to slightly unsavoury content), affecting my confidence levels around attractive women, as I feel like a bad person / unworthy for being someone who occasionally sits around masturbating to porn.

Consistent masturbation without porn seems to become "not enough" after a time. Maybe the level of stimulation required increases over time.
Some masturbation seems to lead to more masturbation, which can easily become too much masturbation, which can sap motivation to go out and meet new potential partners.

Abstaining from masturbation and going the NoFap route can make it difficult to get to sleep.
Abstaining from masturbation and going the NoFap route actually improved my confidence.
Abstaining from masturbation and going the NoFap route increases my drive to go out and meet new people.
Abstaining from masturbation and going the NoFap route amped my own sexual desires to point where I engaged in sexual activity with someone I normally wouldn't and regretted it afterwards.
Abstaining from masturbation and going the NoFap route can make it difficult to focus on other productive activities / life purpose.

I think I'm at the point where I'm once again looking for a meaningful relationship, but in the mean-time, I'm struggling to figure out how I should conduct myself.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any similar struggles or has any general principles that they abide by, which seem to work for them? All with the aim of actualization / higher consciousness in mind.

Thanks

[MRUSociables]

I do the NoFap, No Porn rule.

Try self cultivation. Masturbating without ejaculation - by training yourself to not ejaculate quickly, helps you!

[Gavalanche]

Thanks! I have started on a 90-day porn free challenge, not masturbating either, but still actively looking for a sexual relationship as it would be counter-productive to my goals to not have sex with women I'm dating.

[reez]

 

On 2016-03-19 at 9:08 PM, Gavalanche said:

Abstaining from masturbation and going the NoFap route can make it difficult to focus on other productive activities / life purpose.

Where you got this from? I've heard the opposite. That when you're not masturbating it will increase your productivity, can't find the sources now but if you want me to I can look it up

Obviously it might be harder in the beginning, but after the 2 first weeks it will get better and you will feel a difference 

[Gavalanche]

@reez Oh yeah, I mean I get distracted because I'm trying so hard not to masturbate / the sexual urges seem to intensify. Hopefully it gets better after the first couple of weeks, as you say! Thanks!

[Consept]

This is an issue I have at the moment as well. Essentially you're single you want to have sex regularly but if you do it without getting in a relationship you feel like a dick because whoever you do it with you know you don't want a relationship with them. So in that way it's not really fulfilling, so do you wait until a good relationship comes along, could take a while, do you just have a few girls you kind of like that you can call upon when needed? I find it quite difficult I e hone down the route of getting with girls I knew I didn't want a relationship with and it leaves a bad taste, also they get hurt or pissed off with you, I don't want to leave that kind of negativity. So I don't know the best thing to do, anyone got any ideas? 

[Lynnel]

@Consept

Talk to the girl and ask her what she wants (This implies you are able to be real and attractive at the same time and also able to form a somehow "deep" connection with a girl quite fast).

And actually plenty of girls will be down for a simple sex relationship, because sustaining a actual serious relationship requires time, energy and investement.

There are plenty of girls like these, maybe even more than those who want something serious. In reality you can get a so-called fuck buddy relationship without that MUCH effort

Edited April 9, 2016 by Lynnel
Typo

[Consept]

Yeah you're probably right, I've had poor communication with the so called friends with benefits situation, so it's never turned well at least not for the girl anyway. So I want to change that and get it on the right level so yeah ill take your advice, cheers mate 

 

@Lynnel

[appleaurorae]

Some time ago I used chasteberry to not masturbate first for 4 months, then for 2, then the tolerance has risen. Recently I watched https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU and challenged myself to also stop doing it. And didn't watch anything since then. Also I decided to masturbate only when absolutely needed. That's how I moved from between twice a day and once every two days into once every 5~7 days or even longer. The point is not to fill yourself with thoughts and avoid graphics, texts, songs, talks, etc.

[Gavalanche]

@Consept Yeah man, I feel the exact same way about pretty much everything you said. You'd imagine a f*ckbuddy / friends with benefits idea would be ideal, but from experience I haven't come across many people who are interested in such an arrangement; after having sex pretty much every girl I've been with starts to get attached (and I do too - although to a lesser extent). Maybe I need to meet more people and honestly enquire how they would feel about such a sex-only based relationship.

@appleaurorae I'm actually 28 days in on NoFap reboot at the moment. The NoFapAcademy has probably contributed greatly to my ability to last this long. The pros have been that I have way more motivation to go out and meet people and I've been dating a lot more.


I haven't had sex with any of the new potential partners yet though and suffice to say, my urges have only intensified since. Really starting to experience how damn powerful sexual desire is. I'm still very confused as to it's relationship to enlightenment / actualization work. Sex is all I can bloody think about for the last couple of weeks. I definitely do not see abstinence as a viable route for the future, but chasing after sexual gratification does not seem like the wisest path either.

I'm still all ears for resources or other advice about how to best manage sexual desire and it's relationship to acualization and enlightenment.

Edited April 24, 2016 by Gavalanche

[Rodrigo]

@Gavalanche When i was young there was no porn available and i did great. I masturbated imagining i was having sex with some actress or gir i knew and it felt good enough. I masturbated whenever i felt like it without guilt or compulsion....i still masturbate but not nearly as often as when i was a teen or young adult. You are supposed to use it and if you dont you will eventually ejaculate in your sleep (im sure all anti masturbation advocates did it). Never had problems with it or because of it. No premature ejaculation, no impotence, nothing. How to know how much is too much? that is entirely up to you to decide, but dont think about it too much. Sexual problems arise from thinking about sex. You dont think sex except before you do it or masturbate.Dont turn it into a problem. It is peronal, you dont have to do it as often as anyone or the same way as anyone.

I say stop thinking. Either masturbate or date, just dont complcate.

 

[Gavalanche]

Thanks Rodrigo. 

An update from my original post - I have successfully given up porn for the last two months (masturbation for one month) and used the time I'd often waste on it to join a Kung Fu class and also went on a few dates and met some cool people. I'm sort of seeing one girl now, casually.

I think the advice of "stop thinking" is probably wise. I may have been making big problems for myself where there weren't really any in reality.