I am so orange it's insane Yeah, first I had to find a fancy title for this journal. It's ironic because it's supposed to underline the fact that I'm extremely orange.  My ego is very serious and I generaly lack fun. As @Charlotte told me once I look like the internet police lol. Well I'm gonna be blatantly transparent here. If you are triggered by orange good fucking luck buddy, you're gonna need it. You're also gonna get a huge amount of egoic rants, of course. First, I was blazey about this whole spiral dynamics thing. Seriously, so impractical, why would I need this ? Everyone mentally masturbating all over the forum, with the whole green orange pickup, spiral dynamics this, that. Then I finally decided to listen to Leo's episode about blue and then orange, and then it hit me. I am so orange and sometimes excessive orange it's just incredible. So very quickly I went from yeah shitty spiral dynamics who needs this to oh my god I am so underdevelopped this is absurd. Everyone must think I'm a fucking kid and here I thought I was like all amazing and doing great. Lord. So how am I orange ? And how does my excessive orange manifest ? Leo understood his audience well. I don't care pretty much about enlightenement or high consciousness, yeah it sounds nice, it's like very abstract, but I want like concrete results first. I'm doing everything in a very pragmatic way. I care about it only when suffering too much. That's pretty much it. I have a huge huge problem with emotions. People fuck with your feelings until you have no more feelings. Totaly me. I got heartbroken, rejected a lot, and I got very bitter. Which doesn't mix nicely with orange. I believe I have a divine right to fuck over everything to achieve whatever I want as compensation. (Remember I'm ranting here so it's not exactly true - or actually maybe it's my ego trying to look again) I always try to look good : clever, nice, charming, excellent, having a great image, projecting a great image, having a nice instagram. I have a huge problem with emotions again : I'm unable to cry to release any tensions. I grew up in a very Blue culture (Russia) and while my family is very orange (Professors and high level scientists) I'm still a bit blue I guess ? Sexuality is repressed, crying is repressed, being angry is repressed, all emotions are bad and forbidden and I'm not a fucking hippie, like I you know guy's dont cry and that type of shit. Only I see the limits of that as I am unable to feel, live, experience and process feelings. Everything feels well like almost nothing because everything is very shallow. I'm very closed on my emotions and I really wanna be able to feel but it's locked. Too much pain to process I guess. I am very transactionnal based, I build my relationships in a WIN WIN scenario, where I have to offer value because well people only care about survival, people don't care about your feeling, girls are gonna just leave you if you're not good enough, they don't give a shit about how you feel, etc. Same for people. And I also consider people in a transactionnal manner, such as well what can he do for me ? Where is the value ? Will he help me achieve my goals ? does he have any skills or nice professions, etc ? Is he or she dragging me down ? My relationships and ability to make friends is thus also limited because I have this very criticism based lens. I am quite shallow honestly. I don't feel exactly manly. I don't feel confident, nor interesting and I do have some self esteem issue so I'm very pragmatic and very based on achievement. I just wanna do and achieve more and more to compensate. I have a very materialistic paradigm I don't exactly wanna break because I feel like it's gonna make me too uncomfortable. I don't realize what higher stages look like and that there is a possibility to have more/feel more to life. I'm a bit stuck up and unable to have fun. I mean fun doesn't help getting better, so why have it ? I love efficiency, excellence, progress. I lack creativity and I lost most of my creativity and feeling things after people have fucked with my feelings too much - just kidding - after well I got older. I feel I was more deeply connected to that when I was a bit blue. I am very egoic, egocentric and I mostly care only about my interest and I rarely consider the interests of others. What is there that is maybe a bit green ? I don't exactly believe in chakra but I am to some extent spiritual and I believe altough I'm a bit sceptical in chakras. I'm doing kriya yoga, meditation, hatha yoga and it's something I like a lot. I don't view women as sex objects altough sometimes I do when they are very beautiful. I've worked trough some issues there. I am not entirely closed off emotionnaly and I can feel very a huge depth of feeling and I would say I was very very sensitive when I was a kid I am able to be honest and loving in my loving relationships I have enough perspective to look at myself at least a bit honestly and takes notes about what's wrong (but in the name of progress so still orange most likely) I am excited by psychedelics and the options they will uncover. So, I wanna get to green and then get to yellow. That's gonna be the goal because too much orange will simply allow me to waste my life. Any tips are welcome