Advice for Self-Love

[Epsilon_The_Imperial]

Hi @Leo Gura

I wanted to clarify some things and report on my progress. 

When I wrote my last post, the question wasn't implying the Enlightenment was just a hallucination. On the contrary, I recognize the reality of mystical awareness. 

I was trying to articulate the idea that subconscious programming and intention have us "tap into" a particular slice of reality. That slice of reality says, "Nothing is real. Everything is Nothing. There is no something".

If you think of the awareness as  a radio tuner, then what I was saying was that various mystical cultures only "tune" into a particular reality. 

 

Regardless, that's not what I really wanted to talk about today. 

For the past two years of my life, I've been highly resentful of people and of general culture because I thought people were devaluing the things that I loved. As a result, I wouldn't listen to people because I felt that it was a way to take me away from those very same things. It's only now that I realize that people were just trying to help me grow up and become more mature as a person. 

 

I've already talked about the value that I hold dearly for intellectual life and philosophy. It's the bold effort to secure for human knowledge the satisfaction of piercing into the Mysteries. Thrice that though, is the recognition of the beauty of the elevation of our consciousness through the human imagination. 

The imagination... ferment to great visions, and the enthralling beauty of that peculiar understanding host only to the play of ideas. 

I want to give more context... when I talk about this, I don't want to present the image of a very cold person, who only understands logic as symbols. It all started in my literature class. 

Something awakened in me as I allowed myself to get lost the daydreams of characters, romantic images of wilderness and the gentle passing of time set against what seemed to be paintings in the imagination. 

The rest is merely the attempt to envision truth, knowing that it is beautiful when put together. No, envisioning the wider reality of the world, knowing that understanding is sublime. What can be the practical value of pure theory seen from this standpoint?

I have felt at times as though I have placed myself into a victim complex. I've felt as though I've had to defend my own enjoyment of this. Is this all perverse enjoyment? Or something....noble? 

More specifically, I have put myself into the mindset as though I was being deprived of the right to love such things if I couldn't see it being shared by other people. 

It's only now that I realize that the element that I was missing was Self-Love. 

The rest is my own history.

I left Actualized.org because I didn't feel satisfied by this form of spirituality. I wanted to bring to my own attention something... greater. Something able to fulfill my thirst for knowledge. 

I found the Left Hand Path. I found Magick. I found the Occult. I called to it, it came to me and I came to it. 

The rest of my development is something I will keep personal, because I don't want to distract this with a discussion on Magick or the Occult. 

 

However, I had to mature. I had to grow up. I had to start learn how to take responsibility for my own life. 

On many levels I am trying to develop myself. I'm looking to develop myself as an entrepreneur. I'm looking to develop myself as a magician. I'm looking to develop myself as a philosopher. I'm looking to develop myself as an intellectual. I'm looking to self-actualize and obtain emotional mastery, and after all this time, I am finally dipping my toes back into Enlightenment practices because I realize something. 

I realize that if I really wanted to become a true magician, I have to absorb any and every form of knowledge to further my ascent. Yes, that includes the Mystical paradigm as well. 

I cannot afford to leave it on the table, and yes, technically speaking it's not "knowledge". 

But the most pressing matter is to develop Wisdom. All kinds of Wisdom, all kinds of mastery from many different people. Life wisdom though, that has been particularly uncomfortable. 

 

Leo, I've fallen into the trap of taking my life purpose too seriously. In taking life too seriously, I deprive myself of self-love. I deprive myself of the enjoyment, the pure magic of the things I have passion for. Now, when I think about them in my mind, I feel a contraction in my solar plexus and a raw heat within my chest. 

I'm also afraid of other people. I'm afraid that I will be criticized and that it will shock me to my core. It's when I begin to look up to all of these masters and people in different areas, I'm realizing all the bullshit I have to clear up in my own life. When I see how you post lately, I see that you've been turning into a wolf, and I don't blame you. I can't blame you. 

It's the feeling you get when you just feel.... bad, and your heart sinks. Yet, you are slightly terrified.

That's where I need advice on self-love. It's not that I don't have confidence necessarily, it's that I feel drained and tired sometimes. It feels like I have to slog it out. I muster my strength to push through, but I only create more internal resistance.

I realize that I have to rely on myself to feel loved and cared for, because I can't always control how other people feel. 

 

I try to allow myself to enjoy things. Sometimes I just run my hands over the leather of my seat, or I lose myself int the present moment and realize that I am an emptiness devoid of anything. Not staring at anything, but always there. I can't stare at it. I AM it. 

Leo, I don't have any hard feelings against the forum. I've been curbing my arrogance because finding flaws in others is cheap, understanding is gold. 

[Victor Mgazi]

I had a similar problem in terms of self love but I realized at a later stage in my life that I'm perfect the way I am, including everyone and everything. 

You see - love is not something to be achieved or acquired or cultivated, it is what allows everything to be (exist), it doesn't choose or reject or restrict anything, that's why it's unconditional! But of course this may be difficult for us to be aware of that since we dwell in a world where everything is conditional. Love however is beyond that, it is what allows this conditional world to be in the first place. If love saw this world to be bad or evil and chose to reject it of existence then the nature of this love would be conditional. 

To be perfect doesn't mean flawlessness in whatever category, rather think of it as being absolutely true. If you didn't have the qualities or characteristics you currently have would you still be truly you or would you be...I don't know - Jesus? Imagine a fish being rejected from the animal Kingdom for being unable to walk on land, silly right? Who or what judges a fish for being a fish, a bird for being a bird, a rock for being a rock, humanity for being humanity, you for being you? Not love I'll tell you that. What is simply IS. 

I don't know if I worded out my opinion on this efficiently but who gives a sh*t if I didn't, I'm just being me. 

Feel free to ask any questions if you will. 

[Nahm]

@Epsilon_The_Imperial Put your focus on breathing from your stomach 24/7. When you notice your focus has went to a thought, simply return it to naturally breathing from your stomach (not your lungs).

Practice brevity, until all that needs to be said, is silence. 

This is the direct path to self/love, rather than the “self love” which is merely thinking.