Ego Death Confusion (Conscious Surrender?)

[AMS]

Hey folks,

the other night I took about 250micrograms of LSD and had an interesting trip which I would like to speak about.  I went deep and struggled to fully surrender.  It was unusual because it was like I was right at the point where I could see that my whole ego was just a fiction and my sense of self was trying to disappear (and at times it even did) but at the same time I was clinging onto my personal story which prevented me from letting go and actually having a blissful ego death which I have had in the past (on 5meo for example).  I saw through the fabric of reality and saw how everything was created out of nothing from my thoughts but then I couldn’t go right into it I guess out of fear and attachment. 

I tried to meditate to see if I could better surrender and start enjoying it but I couldn’t calm my mind down enough.  I felt like what had to be done was I had to stop thinking (or at least slow it down) but I just had a lot of fears of the unknown popping up and trying to conceptualise it all, how I am creating existence with my mind.  At one point I had the idea to try hold my breath as a test of faith (I have done this during a mushrooms trip before as well) to see if I could breakthrough and get the experience that I had when I smoked 5meo but I couldn’t will it enough (not sure if this is even possible but I seem to get close).  I guess I am posting here because I am a bit confused about ego death.  When I smoked 5meo I didn’t have time to worry about my identity dissolving and therefore was able to breakthrough and bask in infinity but now I have had a couple trips where I have been like in this limbo like stage where I feel I am close to going back to such an experience (because I can just about see that I am eternal) but I am clinging on too much to my life . 

Then I remember Leo saying ego death feels like physical death so I am unsure how it is actually supposed to go down (when you get that advanced at meditation for example).  Do you eventually get to a point where you need to consciously surrender your life (with faith) so you can breakthrough or does your mind just become still enough at some point that it happens organically and your self just disappears?  Because I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be a painful process right where you kind of consciously accept to “die”…  Hopefully this makes sense and would just like some insight into ego death in general and how it is supposed to go down when approached gradually with practices.  I now feel that life as I know it is just procrastination from being able to surrender entirely to my higher self but I guess I just need to keep working at it.  Does someone who becomes enlightened actually consciously face their own death in the process?

Thanks a lot all!

Edited July 28, 2018 by AMS

[Natasha]

@AMS Ego death is a realization there is no entity/ 'you'. The thing you call 'you' is just sensations of senses and thought forms that rise and disappear within the void.

[MrDmitriiV]

Maybe read some of the books from Leo's book-list regarding Consciousness, Enlightenment & Spirituality?  While Leo's videos are nice, they are no way near the depth you get in books. 

Also how do "you" consciously surrender your "life" when both of these don't exist to begin with?!

[Leo Gura]

It can be painful but also not. It all depends on how you look at it.

Surrender for me is usually very mellow on psychedelics. I just surrender my life and die. There is no great struggle, no drama, no epic ordeal.

But it won't be like that for everyone. The more conscious and developed you are, the less struggle and drama there will be.

When it is realized that the ego never existed, there is no struggle with the death process. It feels totally organic and it is no big deal.

If you are making a big deal out of death, that is ego resisting, and that is itself the only obstacle, the very thing to surrender.

Kriya yoga helps a lot to pacify the ego-mind and all of its drama.

The ego-mind will naturally want to turn this entire enlightenment process into an epic ordeal. That's ego being ego.

[AMS]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

It can be painful but also not. It all depends on how you look at it.

Surrender for me is usually very mellow on psychedelics. I just surrender my life and die. There is no great struggle, no drama, no epic ordeal.

But it won't be like that for everyone. The more conscious and developed you are, the less struggle and drama there will be.

When it is realized that the ego never existed, there is no struggle with the death process. It feels totally organic and it is no big deal.

If you are making a big deal out of death, that is ego resisting, and that is itself the only obstacle, the very thing to surrender.

Kriya yoga helps a lot to pacify the ego-mind and all of its drama.

The ego-mind will naturally want to turn this entire enlightenment process into an epic ordeal. That's ego being ego.

Thanks, this was helpful (and kind of what I expected).  I know there are still things in my life i sort of need to tick off (improve health, relationships) before I will be potentially able to surrender better.  I think my ego still needs to be built healthier before transcendence.  Though in saying that I have been doing a kriya practice now for a couple months and got a retreat coming up so I will not sit around "waiting for a better time" coz I can see how that would be a trap as well.  So I'll just keep on going with practices along side life purpose.

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, AMS said:

Thanks, this was helpful (and kind of what I expected).  I know there are still things in my life i sort of need to tick off (improve health, relationships) before I will be potentially able to surrender better.  I think my ego still needs to be built healthier before transcendence.  Though in saying that I have been doing a kriya practice now for a couple months and got a retreat coming up so I will not sit around "waiting for a better time" coz I can see how that would be a trap as well.  So I'll just keep on going with practices along side life purpose.

Very wise, honest & self aware. You’re well on your way to what you’re seeking. The foundation is 99%. Good for you man. 

[Lucas Lousada]

On 7/28/2018 at 10:30 AM, AMS said:

Because I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be a painful process right where you kind of consciously accept to “die”…  Hopefully this makes sense and would just like some insight into ego death in general and how it is supposed to go down when approached gradually with practices.  I now feel that life as I know it is just procrastination from being able to surrender entirely to my higher self but I guess I just need to keep working at it.  Does someone who becomes enlightened actually consciously face their own death in the process?

This is life in essence.. Life is creating more and more physical bodies that lasts even more and more so it have time to accept this "dead" thing.

and once its accepted, it will cease to exist and become nothing again...

 

and by life I mean this non-dual conscious