I CHEATED ON MY GF!!:((

[JohnIsDoe]

I am 20 years old and have been dating my 19 year old gf for the past 3+ years.

Some background:

Our sex life kind of sucks. The natural attraction/spark between us is somewhat dead and we have talked about fixing it. But no REAL effort has been given. 

I was never really honest with myself until recently, but I feel like I really need sex. So you can see where the problem is.

 

I cheated on my gf in May, and totally ignored it as if nothing happened.

Then she left the country in June and doesn't get back until August. (So no sex)

I cheated on her again with a different girl last week, and that's when it got me.

I feel super terrible because I really love her. Not even as a gf, but as a person and a best friend. We have grown so much together being that we are so young.

(Side note, both of the girls I was with, I wasn't even attracted to:(... It was literally because I wanted sex, so I feel even more guilty that I'm just some horny kid)

What is keeping me from telling her is the following in order from most to least important:

1) I am her first real bf, and I don't want to hurt or even traumatize her. She is already insecure when it comes to her sexuality and how good of a gf she is.

I once told her that I "tried" to get nudes from two girls (again different girls), and even though it was just a playful joke between the girls and I, my gf was still really hurt to the point of tears:(

2) Since we have many mutual friends and all our families are somewhat close, I don't want my parents finding out. I don't want to be judged by them and have that conversation with them. They would just guilt me more.

 

Should I just break it off until I learn to accept my mistakes and let go of this guilt. I have plenty of things I need to sort out within myself.

Or do I tell her and see what she wants to do.

Or do I tell her years from now.

I don't even know if I want to marry her.

I literally don't know what to do:(((

 

[Consept]

Oh man, first off don't worry too much, although it feels like you're alone and this is a unique situation, it's probably more common than what you think of as a successful relationship. 

Now here's what I get from your post, your just not quite 'feeling it', it was exciting at first because it was probably your first relationship, or first at least that meant something. But now you've outgrown each other and you want different things and because of this there's a guilt within you every time you see her. Which leads to you picking at things you don't like about her and not really wanting to see her. 

Although we try and downplay it, sex life is important as well, not more important than the rest of the relationship but important. So if that's not working it is a factor as well. These things are the core problems and then to me a symptom of them is you cheating. If underneath everything was fine you wouldn't cheat but because of the issues these things happen.

Quickly on your reasons, whenever you break up with someone there's going to be these 'reasons' to me they're not good enough to stay with someone. You have to do what's right for you. 

Now my advice, you're young, you will have many experiences. Be honest with yourself this is not a right fit for you. You say you don't know what to do but that's because you want to break up but you feel it's wrong to do so. If you thought you should stay together you wouldn't think it's wrong so you wouldn't have even posted this. It is hard as you've become do comfortable in the relationship but I think you deserve to do what's right for you and grow from it and so does she, I'm sure given the choice she won't want to stay in it given all the facts and if she does then her self esteems probably too low to be in a relationship anyway. Anyway good luck with it 

 

[Arkandeus]

whatever you do its allright, as long as you keep being honest with yourself

and this is advice for both genders, as long as one is honest, can seemingly conflicting desires come to harmony

Edited July 27, 2018 by Arkandeus

[Prabhaker]

3 hours ago, JohnIsDoe said:

I cheated on her again with a different girl last week

What is wrong if you play tennis with one partner today, another partner another day? Man is by nature polygamous.

[Spiral]

"Should I just break it off until I learn to accept my mistakes and let go of this guilt. I have plenty of things I need to sort out within myself."

Yes and don't tell her you cheated.

 

[Michael569]

8 hours ago, JohnIsDoe said:

1) I am her first real bf, and I don't want to hurt or even traumatize her. She is already insecure when it comes to her sexuality and how good of a gf she is.

I once told her that I "tried" to get nudes from two girls (again different girls), and even though it was just a playful joke between the girls and I, my gf was still really hurt to the point of tears:(

While it is natural for us to have desires and urges that often lead us to do things we later regret, perhaps you should split up with this girl. Since it seems you have no problem finding a one night stand maybe do that for some time until you feel like you've had enough of "adventure" and are ready to get into a serious relationship. 

If your girlfriend is as sensitive as you say, it is only a matter of time before she finds out. Cheating is like doing gymnastics on a thin ice, eventually, you will fall through....If you need to bang other girls, by all means, do that but don't get committed to someone who will get traumatised and will likely blame themselves down the road as "not being good enough".

If you consider yourself a conscious and open person, you will break up with her to spare her all the pain if she finds out. 

[Dino D]

here is a advice given to me on this forum that helped me a lot...

Man youre to serious...

youre talking about all of this like a serious guy, like all of this is super important, like if it matters so much... budha is a laughing kid who makes fun of tense and serious guys like you, like me

guilt, shame are also stupid... there are imprinted to your from family and sociaty... past does not exist, youre a good guy (a well trained obedinet producut of parents and society, who follows orders and rules) who will always feel bad if he does something wrong... what is wrong is relative... who says that cheating / having sex is bad, and talink or playing tennis not... all of what you talk is the past, so it does not exist in the now, its not real, its only thoughts that hunt your -being- right now, let go of them... if you feel bad about it dont do it any more, if you would like to do it then do it, and if youre relationship is not really for you you will get it in time, you dont need to decide right now but dont give up to fast...

if you know about determinism you should know that you had to do it and that this was the only thing that could be, it was determinated, so accept it and dont beat your self up, now be conciuos about everything and live in the illusion that you will choose something from the conclusions and insidst that will happend from all of the thinking right now... look up : determinism

relax, dont tell her, go with the flow, it will be what will be

[aurum]

@JohnIsDoe

I don't have a moral problem with cheating so I don't think you should feel guilty or ashamed. I just think it's a bad strategy.

People usually cheat when they're in an emotional double bind. One part of them is unhappy with the relationship and wants to get certain needs met (in your case, sex). Another part of them wants to keep the relationship alive, usually out of fear of breaking up.

So the person goes with this middle of the road strategy where they don't break things off, because that would be too painful, but they also find someone else who can meet their needs. Then they just cover up the whole thing with lies.

The problem is the lies can be difficult to maintain. The more lies you tell, the more lies you have to tell. And it just gets worse and worse.

If you want more sex than your girlfriend can give you, it would be 100x easier to either get into an open relationship with a girl, be polyamours or find a girl who wants to do threesomes. Then the expectations are clear from the start and you don't have to navigate this web of lies.

In terms of self-actualization, you could really benefit from telling her the truth about what is going on. She's going cry and all those things you are afraid of is probably going to happen. But realize that it's your unwillingness to experience that which landed you in this situation in the first place.

Look at the logic. You didn't want to tell her the truth that your sex life sucks and that you were thinking about cheating because you were afraid of hurting her. So you cheated. Now you don't want to tell her the truth that you cheated because you're afraid of hurting her, which is going to be 10x worse than if you had told her before you cheated.

You're digging yourself deeper and deeper. Let go of your attachment of trying to feel like a good person.

[Dino D]

4 minutes ago, aurum said:

@JohnIsDoe

I don't have a moral problem with cheating so I don't think you should feel guilty or ashamed. I just think it's a bad strategy.

People usually cheat when they're in an emotional double bind. One part of them is unhappy with the relationship and wants to get certain needs met (in your case, sex). Another part of them wants to keep the relationship alive, usually out of fear of breaking up.

So the person goes with this middle of the road strategy where they don't break things off, because that would be too painful, but they also find someone else who can meet their needs. Then they just cover up the whole thing with lies.

The problem is the lies can be difficult to maintain. The more lies you tell, the more lies you have to tell. And it just gets worse and worse.

If you want more sex than your girlfriend can give you, it would be 100x easier to either get into an open relationship with a girl, be polyamours or find a girl who wants to do threesomes. Then the expectations are clear from the start and you don't have to navigate this web of lies.

In terms of self-actualization, you could really benefit from telling her the truth about what is going on. She's going cry and all those things you are afraid of is probably going to happen. But realize that it's your unwillingness to experience that which landed you in this situation in the first place.

Look at the logic. You didn't want to tell her the truth that your sex life sucks and that you were thinking about cheating because you were afraid of hurting her. So you cheated. Now you don't want to tell her the truth that you cheated because you're afraid of hurting her, which is going to be 10x worse than if you had told her before you cheated.

You're digging yourself deeper and deeper. Let go of your attachment of trying to feel like a good person.

very nice logic with moralism, meaning, good and bad... leting go includes also leting go of all of what you explained and suggested... there is apsolutly no need to do or to fix anything, a ,,need" is also a lie, a illusion... so accept life as it is and do whatever, get conciuos as much as you can, and accept everything that happens on the way, nothing of that matters anything ... be happy. I dont think this guy did anything wrong, I dont think he has to do something about it, then geting conciuos, acepting, letting go, and ,,doing whatever"

[LaucherJunge]

@JohnIsDoe
What you did can not be forgiven in my opinion.
Either you are truthfull beforehand and break up with her or put her an ultimatum before you sleep with others, or you simply let it be.
Of course there are people who live differently and it is totally fine to live in polygamy, but not if you pretend to your partner that you don't, that is the worst thing one can do in terms of emotional abuse.
You should do what is best for her at this point, tell it to her and say to her that you don't deserve to be with her anymore, that she deserves someone who will treat her as she deserves it. It will hurt but she will grow and she will stop living a lie.
From there on let happen whatever happens, if she wants to even forgive you, then you can decide if you can learn from your mistakes or not.

[moon777light]

@Prabhaker what about woman?

[Emerald]

20 minutes ago, moon777light said:

@Prabhaker what about woman?

If he still thinks the same way, he believes the same about women too and that society has suppressed this fact. He's very pro-polyamory in general and thinks of monogamy as an attachment. So, it sounded like he might have been using a double standard. But if he still thinks the same way, I don't think he is. 

[SFRL]

@JohnIsDoe

I am usually not in the business of telling people to break up. I believe in working things out. 

But in your case you have already been fucking her for 3 years and you are not happy with the sex. It has already been 3 years the sex is not going to get better. 

You already cheated on her you know it's out there you will do it again. Because you grave good sex. 

So I really think you should breakup. 

No need to tell her you cheated, it serves no purpose. 

Then go find a girlfriend that you do have good sex with. 

This girlfriend of yours she will be ok in the long run. And so will you. 

[zoey101]

14 hours ago, JohnIsDoe said:

I am 20 years old and have been dating my 19 year old gf for the past 3+ years.

Some background:

Our sex life kind of sucks. The natural attraction/spark between us is somewhat dead and we have talked about fixing it. But no REAL effort has been given. 

I was never really honest with myself until recently, but I feel like I really need sex. So you can see where the problem is.

 

I cheated on my gf in May, and totally ignored it as if nothing happened.

Then she left the country in June and doesn't get back until August. (So no sex)

I cheated on her again with a different girl last week, and that's when it got me.

I feel super terrible because I really love her. Not even as a gf, but as a person and a best friend. We have grown so much together being that we are so young.

(Side note, both of the girls I was with, I wasn't even attracted to:(... It was literally because I wanted sex, so I feel even more guilty that I'm just some horny kid)

What is keeping me from telling her is the following in order from most to least important:

1) I am her first real bf, and I don't want to hurt or even traumatize her. She is already insecure when it comes to her sexuality and how good of a gf she is.

I once told her that I "tried" to get nudes from two girls (again different girls), and even though it was just a playful joke between the girls and I, my gf was still really hurt to the point of tears:(

2) Since we have many mutual friends and all our families are somewhat close, I don't want my parents finding out. I don't want to be judged by them and have that conversation with them. They would just guilt me more.

 

Should I just break it off until I learn to accept my mistakes and let go of this guilt. I have plenty of things I need to sort out within myself.

Or do I tell her and see what she wants to do.

Or do I tell her years from now.

I don't even know if I want to marry her.

I literally don't know what to do:(((

 

A little surprised with all the positive comments about the cheating itself, but whatever. 

As a woman who fights through sexual anxiety and insecurity daily, all I can say is you need to break up with this girl before you cause damage that can't be fixed. You have every right to be with whoever you want and do what ever you want, but you DO NOT have the right to string someone along in a relationship that they might not want. I'm sure this girl wants a man that will be loyal to her and ONLY her, not a cheater.

Personally, I wouldn't want to know. If I found out my husband cheated on me, it would destroy every bit of confidence I have left, which is not much. I think you should break up and tell her that YOU are just not ready for it. It's not fair to keep this girl by your side and create a reality for her that just isn't there, girls are very emotion driven and the longer you stay with her, the harder it will be for her if/when you guys break up because she becomes more and more attached the more time goes by. 

Cut her loose and just have your fun, nothing wrong with that, just don't get into something you aren't ready to commit to. Plenty of people your age are okay with casual encounters, no strings attached. 

[NoSelfSelf]

Nobody values loyalty cheating is a serious thing because it hurts someone then going and punching someone with baseball bat is ok too there is no asking what to do its obvious breaking up then do what you want...

[ChimpBrain]

Be honest about what happened and why. Then deal with the "consequences" if that's what happens. At y'alls age this is likely to be a deal breaker. Even if not immediately, she'll probably not trust you going forward which will cause resentment on your part. But there's always a chance you'll stay together and grow from it. 

 

From a former serial cheater-- be honest, because if you don't, your bad deeds will likely be in the back of your mind forever causing all sorts of self doubts and criticism. 

[Prabhaker]

5 hours ago, moon777light said:

@Prabhaker what about woman?

I mean both men and women are polygamous. The woman has been conditioned by man for thousands of years into thinking that she is monogamous. Whether one is man or woman, everybody needs a change, at least once in a while.

Edited July 27, 2018 by Prabhaker

[Dino D]

Many moralist here, implanting to you the feeling of guilt, shame, and what not... helo girls with the counciousnes of hollywood romantic movie fairytaless, chill and relax... nothing trully bad happend... its the girfriends false belief that thinks that cheating is somehow hurting or influencing her, thats just a belief and an illusion, evan if not... its not that big of a deal if we dont make and create a big dill of it... chill, acept, process it, let go and do whatever you want, if you think its still a sin, then dont sin anymore, forgive yourself, let go, continue... peace

[Dino D]

And one more thing, in your girlfriend lies a sexmonster that is in prison, you have to find a way to free that... if you leave her there is a possibility that she will very fast or evan the same day find a guy and have more nasty sex with him then a pornstar... so, she is not an angel anyways... dont forget who ate the apple in heaven, it was eva or who is destroying your nerves, and how it really is to endure a womans mind for a normal man in a relationship (litle bit of fun and a man/pig perspective to chill this topic down a bit) againg peace and dont belive anything... 

[Prabhaker]

3 hours ago, zoey101 said:

If I found out my husband cheated on me, it would destroy every bit of confidence I have left, which is not much. 

If you feel pain , that is not because of love, that is because of jealousy. If you love a person, how can you destroy his or her freedom? If you trust a person, you trust her or his freedom too. Love can flow only between two freedoms.