Being Authentic In A Relationship

[kellyyhengg]

within months of being in a relationship , i see myself transforming to some desperate needy girl , so i am seeking for certain situations from others too , if am i the only one , so much self-blaming on me so yea..

[ALGUIMAR]

Oh of course you're not the only one. I'm not talking about me but a lot of people don't know how to be in a relationship. Because they mainly use it to sustain one of their toxic needs like the need for acceptance, the need for love, the need for respect and in a more shallow way the need for sex or even material stuff. When you understand that you can meet those needs by yourself you will have no problems or anxiety in relationships. They are actually quite fulfilling and awesome, when two people that are awesome by themselves come together to create something even greater, learning and spending time with eachother.

Accept yourself, love yourself, respect yourself  thrive and be yourself. 

[Ayla]

@kellyyhengg  look into co-dependency issues from childhood. Also low self-esteem.

[Nathalie]

@kellyyhengg What if you began to find things you like to do by yourself, where your partner isn't automatically involved.

You could try to go for little walks in the nature, begin to play an instrument, make sports, meet friends and stay present while you are doing so.

If thoughts appear about your boy(?)friend you can acknoledge them, be grateful that you love him and let the thoughts go (because what comes up isn't real, it's only a thought).. and you know, you will see him later..

Try to find out what you expect him to do for you in order to make you happy and make it yourself for you.. Be your best lover at each level.

[kellyyhengg]

@ALGUIMAR Hi there thank you for your reply , @Ayla @MartineF  I am currently a college student , DEFINITELY not having a major issue but throughout the months of being in a relationship and transitioning to be a college student , i have change alot ! In ways such that , in the beginning I was on top of the world , being really confident and authentic in school etc , then my grades started failing me , ( i already met that guy that time ! ) HONESTLY theres no one to blame here about my grades falling because that guy is an awesome guy ! 

So , usually after college , we will hang out studying after school , thats how we bond in the beginning , but there are times where I was so stressed out i needed to go back , so as that increase gradually we started fading with each other , and through the months of fading from each other ....

its only me with issues such as :

1 I accused him of loving this girl ,

REFLECT ON THAT ISSUE : This is the beginning where I started feeling needy , I need his attention but he isnt giving it to me , everytime i just needed him to care for me etc so yea whenever he hang out with his friend , he is authentic he was himself so obviously he was really happy 24/7 ,so yea.. i accused him , we talked about it but ... thats the beginning !

2 I broke up with him

AND WE GOT BACK TOGETHER 2 days later !

Well , it all started with him telling myself , well if this relationship was so much of a bullshit to my feelings of me always feeling down and depressed because of this (relationship) might as well just break up right? SO YEA , IT DID NOT HELP ! 

was crying the whole day , thinking of all the possibilities that this was MY issues and also , HE WAS A NICE GUY !

so ... i should actually work on myself deeply before blaming him about this miserable life im having !

so yea.....

COULD YOU GUYS HELP ME ???

I actually thought of this ....

working on myself alot , in a way that I wanna be the girl i wanna be ,

I wanna have a workspace to study , everytime i come home i DONT study , because i always study in school , but i am really thinking of just coming home and have a routine where my room would be the most amazing place i would wanna be in , a place for me to study and i really wanna work on my grades as my exams is in 1 month + , AS level is a REALLY big exam so yea...

what should i do??

since if i dont stay back that would mean NO MORE TIME WITH HIM , WHICH WOULD MEANT WE WOULD FADE AWAY WHICH WOULD MEANT YEA......... i somehow rather feel like its a responsibility for me to stay back because he stays in school , so he doesnt have a problem , BUT for this relationship to work we need to spend time together , and if i am committed to loving myself first and stuff etc focusing on my studies that would mean sacrificing time with him but also... he is an AWESOME guy , no denial , i dont know what to do BUT honestly i feel like he wont really care if i stay back or not already because we have fade QUITE ALOT and he always have his activities after school these days , so its been a long while since we have time with each other .

things that i am grateful for is he MADE an effort to ask me to hang out a few days back since holidays is coming and we wont be seeing each other for awhile so yea...........

 please help me , i know theres a better solution towards all this...

 

[Nathalie]

@kellyyhengg .. well my english understanding is not that good.. but it seems you are really nervous and disoriented at the moment, right?

What if you first try to focus on your breath and calm down, than do one think after an other, step by step and second, focus on the things you are doing at the moment and enjoy them. Smile to yourself as often as you can. Meditate. You need to stabilize yourself because nobody would like to support you all the time.. Take the help you find outside, maybe also from a professional.. But look for inner answers too, they are often the best..

29 minutes ago, kellyyhengg said:

NO MORE TIME WITH HIM , WHICH WOULD MEANT WE WOULD FADE AWAY WHICH WOULD MEANT YEA.

I can't imagine that time plays such a big role in a relation ship, but rather the quality of the time you spend together. What do you do to make the shared time with him pleasant? Are you even still able to enjoy the time together or are you just complaining..?

As long as you don't feel good alone, you will have serious problems to live in a relationship

 

[kellyyhengg]

i do feel good spending time alone ! 

[MIARIVEL]

@kellyyhengg Oh Kelly.. I was once this insecure and needy girl who hated spending time alone. I would put off seeing friends, study, family, pretty much everything to make this guy happy and I thought I was so happy and fulfilled overtime I was with him. When I was without him, I would be so paranoid, insecure, is he cheating on me? where is he? why hasn't he called or returned my messages?

I learnt the hard way that being insecure, jealous and possessive only drives the other person away and no guy wants a girl who is needy or insecure. I failed a few university subjects, I wasted a lot of time on a relationship that I forgot about my dreams, my goals, the person I am and the person I want to be for my future. 

The hardest lesson to learn is really loving yourself and learn to love spending time with yourself or out with friends, or studying. You need to do things for your future, for you, not for anyone else. I wasted years of my life when I could of got my university degree sooner, I could have started my business sooner, I should of made time for my friends and relationships so that my relationships with them remain strong. Don't make the mistakes I did.

A relationship is supposed to be an addition to your already awesome life, it is not supposed to be your whole life. You have to find someone who feels the same way you do about them, someone that won't make you feel insecure or jealous and someone who understands when you have things you need to do. Sometimes I can only see my partner twice a week because he works and I work full time run a business and I am doing another degree so I am busy and he understands. Even if we see each other twice a week, we make the most of the time we spend together. Yes I miss him the times were apart but that the good thing about relationships, giving each other space to miss the other person, and for them to do what they need to do. If they are meant to be in your future, then they will be, and they will see you through tough and busy times and be understanding.