I'm much happier now not looking for a relationship

[kingroboto]

I have been making a lot of progress in my mindfulness study, and once I accepted the idea that external things can't fulfill me my desire for relationship diminished massively, because I have other things in life that I'm pursuing first. I understand that I am kinda useless as I am right now, and I need to work on myself to be able to facilitate the kind of relationship I want in life. 

Like today I mustered up the courage to talk to this really cute girl and it was actually going really well until my mind just blanked out (i think it was going so well that it actually freaked me out a little) and things got awkward. in the end I got nothing out of that exchange but I wasn't overly upset or critical of myself. Before I would've been replaying and analyzing that moment endlessly while cursing my stupid brain for failing me yet again. I did have those thoughts but this time they passed by without much friction. The difference was that instead of being in a frame of scarcity I adopted this frame of abundance, that these kinds of chance encounters will happen over and over again in my life time (as it has in the past) and I will just be more and more put together and capable each time. 

Before I would be dreaming up some fantasy in my head of this perfect love that could have been that did not get realized, then drive myself into depression thinking that it will never happen again. I think back and it's amazing how unconscious I was about these kinds of things. Now I can appreciate these sort of encounters even if they don't go well because they are still teaching me things to prepare me for future encounters. Not only that but being thankful for this 'dream' reality to materialize this attractive girl at this particular location for me to run into in that short window I was out of my apartment. 

I've also been doing the PMO challenge (I like it better than calling it NOFAP) it's been going really well and oddly enough I feel much more self sufficient and secure despite not getting any sex or getting off for weeks. It is true that I am much more willing to engage socially as well thanks to doing this which creates that positive feedback loop (more social engagement- more positive interaction-more self respect-more secure and self sufficient - better engagement because you are less needy) 

stay strong out there guys

[Arkandeus]

you are advising not to look for a relationship but here the most emotionally charged part of your message is when you describe your encounter with a girl and how you appreciate how well it went

by no means do I mean to put any progress down, you are feeling better and more optimistic, thats the starsign

honesty is required though for a real outcome

I know how tough it is to face how deeply one longs for a relationship, its tough to feel how deep our love goes

and you're right to take a step back if it made you depressed

keep being sincere to the core

[kingroboto]

yea I guess the title is a bit misleading. I am still pursuing relationships obviously but with this knowledge in the back of my head that I haven't done the necessary leg work to make myself competent as a man and as a provider because that's the dynamic in a relationship that I seek. So I'm not actively avoiding finding a relationship but I'm not broken up about things if I make mistakes because I'm still in the learning and growth stage. Currently I'm focused on my career and making myself more self sufficient financially so I see these random encounters as chance to work on my skill to communicate and also get more comfortable getting into emotionally risky situations. 

also I'm not advising people to do anything. I'm just detailing my experiences here of what seems to be helpful for me, so that hopefully some people find it useful for their development. (and receive some guidance if my thinking is totally out of whack. )

 

 

Edited July 26, 2018 by kingroboto

[Gabriel Antonio]

Have you considered talking to really "easy" girls? They might not be very attractive, but they are better to train social skills. Doing this will help you build momentum... 

[kingroboto]

@Gabriel Antonio  I wouldn't even know where to find these 'easy' girls you speak of. I do use tinder as sort of backup source of meeting new people to test my social skills with. I also started going to life drawing classes because I'm an artist and that's where I am naturally comfortable and there are tons of natural ways to start conversations there. 

[Arkandeus]

Im hoping the best for you

[Gabriel Antonio]

8 hours ago, kingroboto said:

I do use tinder as sort of backup source of meeting new people to test my social skills with.

Do you meet with the girls face-to-face? 

 

8 hours ago, kingroboto said:

that's where I am naturally comfortable and there are tons of natural ways to start conversations there. 

Good! Focus on natural conversations.