Emerald's Self-actualization Journal

[Emerald]

I've been at a Teal Swan synchronization workshop this past weekend, so I will resume doing my journal tonight. In the meantime, Leo cleared me to post my videos on here as long as it's relevant.  So, I will give you one of mine from last week. Let me know what you think.

 

 

 

[Emerald]

I got to spend a little time with Teal Swan when I went to the workshop this past weekend. It was a lot a fun, and I'm happy with the experience. I'm the one in purple in the bottom picture. 

 

[Emerald]

I got knocked off track with my trip to Orlando this weekend. I got a lot out of this weekend, and it was a ton of fun but I have to start my Keystone Habits 66 day challenge over again, if I want to really solidify the habits. So, I'm back at day 1 starting tomorrow. 

Keystone Habits-

Wake up at 6 am

Keep a Food Journal with calories and weight included

Exercise 15 minutes or more each day

(Also, at least 1 minute of meditation daily... but with a goal of 30 or more minutes)

 

[Argue]

@Emerald Wilkins what is keystone habits? 

[Emerald]

Just now, Argue said:

@Emerald Wilkins what is keystone habits? 

These are habits that have a ripple effect through other areas of life. For example, if you focus on  creating good habits for the three physiological fundamentals (nutrition, exercise, and sleep) it will positively effect the rest of your habits throughout the day. I have been having increased productivity ever sine I started my 66 day challenge, even though I fell of the wagon this weekend.

[Argue]

1 minute ago, Emerald Wilkins said:

These are habits that have a ripple effect through other areas of life. For example, if you focus on  creating good habits for the three physiological fundamentals (nutrition, exercise, and sleep) it will positively effect the rest of your habits throughout the day. I have been having increased productivity ever sine I started my 66 day challenge, even though I fell of the wagon this weekend.

Sounds interesting. How do you know about this? Did you read "The One Thing"? 

Edited April 5, 2016 by Argue

[Emerald]

1 minute ago, Argue said:

Sounds interesting. How do you know about this? Did you read "The One Thing"? 

I haven't read "The One Thing" but I happened across some videos. Here are a few of them:

 

 

 

 

[Argue]

@Emerald Wilkins thank you. You're very helpful. You actually inspire. Your diligence, persistence and hard work is amazing to witness on these forums. You're very disciplined. 

[Emerald]

2 minutes ago, Argue said:

@Emerald Wilkins thank you. You're very helpful. You actually inspire. Your diligence, persistence and hard work is amazing to witness on these forums. You're very disciplined. 

Thanks!  Your words are very encouraging to me. I do fall off the wagon a lot, but I'm pretty tenacious when it comes to getting back on track. I'm hoping that over time, I can train myself to stay on top of things without getting off course as often.

[Emerald]

 @Ayla @Ludwig - My newest blog about my experience meeting Teal Swan at her most recent synchronization workshops in Orlando. I saw on the other message board that you both had been positively impacted by her work. 

New Blog Post:  http://www.thediamondnet.org/blog/2016/4/4/conversations-with-teal-swan-fear-and-decision-making

Conversations with Teal Swan: Fear and Decision Making

So, over the weekend, I went to one of Teal Swan’s synchronization workshops in Orlando. It was my first time going to see her and it was a really awesome experience. If you get the chance, I highly recommend it.

Teal Swan and I after the Orlando Synchronization Workshop.

In the past, I’ve had a bit of a resistance to New Age spirituality or anything too much on the metaphysical side. So, when I first saw her videos about two years ago, I had a strong attraction/aversion reaction. But I pushed through it and continued watching her videos (albeit with the lights out and the blinds shut. J/K), which mostly offer psychological and spiritual help through the metaphysical lens. It was SOOO helpful for me, that I truly credit her work for helping me get through one of toughest times in my life. I probably wouldn’t even be in a place to be bettering myself and making blogs and videos without the clarity that her videos have given me. She really helped me pick myself out of some deep psychological traps that I had been caught up in for years, due to a lack of deep understanding.

Despite this, to say that I don’t still have a lot of fear relative to New Age spirituality would be untrue. So, if I look at that under a microscope, what do I find? Am I actually averse to New Age spirituality itself… No. I’m afraid of the social stigma associated with being seen as ‘Woo Woo’ or gullible. The truth of the matter is that I really love the idea that there is more to this reality than what it appears at face value. I’ve always, since childhood, had an attraction to anything magical. It is only my social persona that I’m watching out for. I also have Out of Body Experiences, that I try to stay open minded and closed mouthed about in daily life.

So, when I met with Teal Swan in person after the workshop, I asked her a question about an Out of Body Experience that I had had with her in it about two months prior that I wrote about in an earlier blog. (It's my blog from January 18th if you want to check it out.) I asked her if it was really her that I was seeing or simply a thought projection that I internally projected upon my experience. She said that it was indeed her, and that we had met Out of Body about 25 times prior over the course of the past two years. She said that I had come here for a similar purpose to why she came here: to be a spiritual teacher. So, I felt intensely happy to be validated in that way, but then immediately deflated because I didn’t want to feel gullible and I certainly didn’t want other people to think that of ME. It’s all ego. My egoic fear sapped me of my joy once again. It’s a huge problem.

I like to pay a lot of lip service to being radically open minded, but I have a lot of issues with this when it comes to my reputation. I like to be able to think that I can hold space for contradictory opinions or different viewpoints on reality without clinging to beliefs in either direction. My policy is to neither believe nor disbelieve something, if I don’t have a firsthand experience of it in the present moment. But my ego gets in the way of this, and always wants me to fit and acquiesce to the social situation at hand, nullifying my unique perspective and connection to my wisdom. It’s hard to shake free of this tendency to try to sell myself to others.

So, the next day, I went to one of the local parks in Orlando to meet up with the volunteers who worked at the event as well as a few other attendees at the workshop. I was pleasantly surprised to see Teal there too. And I spent about two hours with her and about 15 other people... (and got a pretty gnarly sunburn on my arms). Everyone there was really nice and open minded. Normally, I feel that I have to keep myself to myself to fit in, but there was no such issue here.

But then a conversation came up where I was the odd man out: vaccines. I got both of my kids vaccinated. But it didn’t feel good given my older sister’s allergic reaction to the Pertussis in the DTP shot back in 1974. She had petite mal seizures which left her with many developmental delays. In many ways she has the personality and interests of an 8 year old and she has to live with my mother to this day.

So, I did a lot of research on vaccines from the establishment and from those against the establishment. Both explanations made sense to me logically and rationally. Ultimately, I decided that not getting them vaccinated would feel even worse to me. I’d rather my children risk being mentally challenged than risk them being sick with a fatal disease. My sister is at least happy. If I could have chosen to both vaccinate and not vaccinate at the same time, I would have. But of course, this isn’t possible. A decision had to be made. So, I decided to do all the vaccines except the Pertussis. This always to me felt like a game of Russian Roulette during that time. Both options felt like a huge risk, with my kids’ futures at stake. Plus, some of the nurses at the Health Department and at my regular doctor's office got super judgmental  and invalidating, which was very painful to me. They were denying that my sisters seizures were caused by the vaccines, which is just untrue. They happened directly after the vaccines and it even says on the American Academy of Pediatrics website that this is a rare but possible side effect. But I digress...

Now, Teal Swan is a huge opponent of vaccines, and I was fangirling out so I wanted her to like me. I didn’t want to make a bad impression. So, I was tempted to do the same type of social survival that I would normally engage in with the more mainstream social group. I was tempted to keep myself to myself. But given Teal’s ideology on authenticity I decided to be honest, and ask a question to Teal that had been on my mind before many times in the past and to use the vaccine topic as an example and springboard for that.

I told her that I decided to vaccinate, but wanted to know how to discern between two binary options when both sides seem wrong to you emotionally but both sides seem right to you rationally. I would either have to exercise faith in the medical establishment or exercise faith in the anti-establishment. Neither of which do I have much faith in… I’m a bit of an iconoclast in that way. Both would certainly be biased by their own ideologies. So, it’s always going to be basing a decision on second-hand information. She recommended to me relative to vaccines to get the vaccines myself prior to giving my kids the vaccines, so that I could experience my personal physiological reactions to them. Then make my decision from there. I found this to be sound advice, although my kids have already gotten almost all of their vaccines that they will ever have to get. I don’t plan on having any more kids, but if I do, I’ll definitely consider this as an option.

But later she gave me the answer to let go of fear relative to the issue, whether it be vaccines or any other issues where I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Essentially, both options for me involved huge amounts of fear… especially with my sister’s reaction. So, I think that for me, this has been a major issue throughout the course of my life. Fear is always in the background for me, subtly lurking there and blocking me off from my innate wisdom. It is the only thing that keeps me back from happiness, joy, love, and all the other positive emotions. It is the thing that makes me deny what is most natural to me and what really feels authentic to me. It’s like all the best food and drink is ruined by a subtle nasty after-taste that won’t go away.

The only time I ever got clarity was during my two ego-transcendence experiences where there was no separate me to actually protect. So, there was no fear and wisdom naturally came to me. There was no such thing as an unwise decision. I would imagine that I’d know which option truly felt right to me, if I could just get that clarity and drop away my fear. I’m sure that I would embrace whatever was of interest to me too, and I would never worry about what others would think because there really isn’t any value in that in the first place.

 

 

Edited April 5, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[Emerald]

48 minutes ago, Pinocchio said:

No doubt you've heard all this before, but the mind lives in the realm of opposition, right/wrong decisions, positive/negative emotions, offense/defense etc. It will endlessly try to find its "happy spot" there, and it will endlessly fail because there is none (!!!).

Whether it's about new age or vaccines or establishment or anything else, you will never find a "side" that you can trust. Not only is the mind incapable of trust, but no "side" in itself is worth trusting. Only the whole is worth trusting, and only the "real you" trusts it.

So why let this small mind make decisions, when you are much bigger than the mind. If you decide not to decide, you can let the whole inform you instead, and you can gradually let go of fear and nasty after-tastes.

And now for some comic relief...

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you.  Being in touch with the true nature is truly the only way to let go of fear too. So, that makes a lot of sense. I'll let you know what I think of the videos in a little while.

[abrakamowse]

Emerald, your last video come at a perfect time for me. Thanks!!!

I posted a comment in your youtube site also. Pretty cool.

 

Your video together with the one of Teal Swam about how to listen your inner voice are at this moment the one I am watching more over and over hehehe...

I also like a lot a Moojis video about "the question that will kill all the questions". Maybe you saw it. I am working on that question with my inner voice and loving my ego, so... everything makes a lot of sense.

P.S.: The most helpful part of your video was realizing that I need a strong ego, to be able to face the challenges along the enlightenment path. I was all the time trying to suppress it and it's crazy. It comes back to haunt you.

Edited June 9, 2016 by abrakamowse

[Emerald]

21 minutes ago, abrakamowse said:

Emerald, your last video come at a perfect time for me. Thanks!!!

I posted a comment in your youtube site also. Pretty cool.

 

Your video together with the one of Teal Swam about how to listen your inner voice are at this moment the one I am watching more over and over hehehe...

I also like a lot a Moojis video about "the question that will kill all the questions". Maybe you saw it. I am working on that question with my inner voice and loving my ego, so... everything makes a lot of sense.

You're welcome! I watched that Teal Swan video too. It seems that similar themes are coming up for me as for other people as of lately. More and more stuff related to my most recent topics that I covered in my videos and that I'm focusing on in my life are coming up more than before. It's all been very synchronistic. I hope that it's a sign that I'm on the right track. I haven't watched the Mooji one but I'll definitely have to check it out now. Thanks again for the encouragement!

Edited June 9, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[abrakamowse]

Sorry, the correct title is "The Answer that Kills Every Question" Here it is.

 

[Emerald]

I may start posting my videos and progress on here again, after neglecting my journal for quite while. Anyway, this one is about how to be open minded without being ungrounded or gullible.

[Dragallur]

@Emerald Wilkins Though I did not do much study on vaccines I take it as vaccines were the things that started to protect us from diseases and even that we do not have them right now around it does not mean that if we stop vaccinating we will be healthy. Of course that if one person does not vaccinate then she or he wont probably get sick in western civilization because everyone else is vaccinated. Than there are of course extreme cases like the cows in China and probably many others but it seems to me that we should continue in global vaccination if we want to keep disease back.

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Dragallur said:

@Emerald Wilkins Though I did not do much study on vaccines I take it as vaccines were the things that started to protect us from diseases and even that we do not have them right now around it does not mean that if we stop vaccinating we will be healthy. Of course that if one person does not vaccinate then she or he wont probably get sick in western civilization because everyone else is vaccinated. Than there are of course extreme cases like the cows in China and probably many others but it seems to me that we should continue in global vaccination if we want to keep disease back.

That's my perspective as well. To be honest, I don't really understand why some people are so adamantly against it. Certainly there are issues with them, but nothing compared to diseases if we look at the big picture. That said, I don't believe that vaccines should be mandatory because there can be a ton of specific medical reasons why a particular vaccine could be harmful. 

[Emerald]

This video explores 10 common false dichotomies that are part of the ego-consciousness paradigm. So, big/small, up/down, creation/destruction, life/death, natural/unnatural, significance/insignificance and several others. There are really thousands upon thousands of false dichotomies in reality, so I may do other videos on the topic in the future since they're great for inquiry into the nature of reality and self.

[Emerald]

Existential crises are bound to come up multiple times for spiritual seekers. I've had a bunch of them in the past myself starting from when I first learned that death was permanent when I was three. My father is a mechanic, and when I was a small child his shop was right next to a small pond. During the March of every year, the baby frogs would be all over the place inside of and outside of his shop. I liked to catch them when I was little. One time, I was watching this baby frog who was on the floor. I had seen in movies and shows how people were resuscitated after almost drowning and I gathered from that that death could be reversed if done shortly after the death happened. I believed in resurrection back then. So, I squished the baby frog and I wanted to see how it would be to resurrect the baby frog. So, I ran to my mom in a panic saying "Call the frog hospital!" telling her what happened and that we had to bring the frog back to life. She told me, (paraphrased) that she's was sorry but that he's dead and that death is permanent. I was devastated. Not only had I just killed a poor little baby frog, me and everyone I knew would one day die as well. There was no longer the innocence to see death as avoidable. So, since then dealing with the inevitability and permanence of death has been an up and down struggle with many existential crises. But I think this is the very struggle that has helped me grow more and more aware as I've grown older. I've not yet made friends with the grim reaper but it's one of my biggest goals in life.

Edited October 1, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[Emerald]

I really enjoyed the conversation with Rali. There will probably be more to come. I have been confused about enlightenment recently which is somewhat good because it opens me up a bit more. Given that I've had a couple of very strong awakening experiences, I often get attached to them and I trick myself into believing that I know more about enlightenment than I do. This conversation really helped me better sort out the differences between an awakening experience and enlightenment. And it also helped me suspend some of my expectations relative to enlightenment.