Emerald's Self-actualization Journal

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Today's Habits Update (Day 6)

Wake Up at 6 am- I got up, but had to stay in bed to see if my daughter would fall back asleep. She didn't, so I didn't get the alone time.

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check - I ate 2810 calories today. It's occurred to me that I probably eat too much every day that I don't keep track. Maybe my metabolism is actually amazing, and all I have to do is keep a consistent 2000 calorie diet to reach my goal weight of 120 ( my pre-pregnancy weight). I'm currently at 128.8 lbs. Colors: Tomatoes (red), Mixed Artisan Lettuce (purple, green), Cooked Cauliflower (white), Strawberries (red) Cooked Spaghetti Sqash (yellow) Orange Juice (orange)

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - I woke up an immediately started preparing for my mom's arrival, so I didn't exercise until this evening.

Other things I got done:

Meditation - Only 1 minute

Replied to comments on my channel

Cleaned and tidied my entire home minus the screen room

Wrapped my son's presents

Prepared Spaghetti Squash in Creamy Tomato Sauce and Roasted Garlic and Parmesan Cauliflower

Another less than optimal day, but at least I'm making myself more aware of my habits. I will try to maintain a 2000 calorie diet or less from here on out and monitor my weight to see how it is effected. I've lost 57 lbs so far (including baby) since I gave birth which is one year tomorrow. Doing this I would keep a 1500 calorie budget, and I would lose weight quite rapidly. But I never tried to just monitor my calorie intake, exercise, and weight while not on a diet. So, this will be an interesting experiment.

[Natasha]

@Emerald Wilkins Do you fresh juice?

[Emerald]

17 hours ago, Natasha said:

@Emerald Wilkins Do you fresh juice?

No, I just use the basic store brand. I normally use it as the base for smoothies, so that I can get a lot of raw fruit all in one go. But I've been thinking about switching to using juiced whole oranges as the base instead, so that I get the fiber from the membranes while subtracting any additives like sugar and other processed ingredients.

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Today's Habits Update (Day 6)

Wake Up at 6 am- I got up and my kids stayed asleep. It was my son's birthday today, so I stayed up late wrapping presents last minute, so I was a little bit tired. I did my exercise and meditated for 12 minutes before being interrupted by my daughter waking up.

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check - Morning Weight= 129.0 lbs. I ate 2450 calories today. I wanted to keep it under 2000 today, but eating out with my family and birthday cake made me meet that budget quickly, then I was still hungry for real food afterward. So, tomorrow, I'm going to get on my game keeping to my calorie budget. Colors: Blueberries (blue/purple) Banana (white) Cauliflower (white) Spaghetti Squash (yellow) Artisan Lettuce (Green) Tomato (Red) Orange juice (Orange) Strawberries (Red). Water - 40 oz; Chocolate Almond Milk - 16 oz; Cappuccino- 16 oz; Fluid intake total = 72 oz

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - 30 minute belly dancing workout. I got half way through it in the morning, but finished it in the evening.

Other things I got done:

Meditation - 12 minutes

Replied to comments on my channel

Set up video ads for my two most recent videos 

Celebrated my son's birthday

Brainstorm for my newest video

My mom went home today after my son's birthday party, so it should be a bit easier to keep my habits consistent and be more productive in general. It has been more difficult the past few days to keep up with my basic habits having company and planning for my son's birthday and Easter, but I've been skirting by. 

[Natasha]

@Emerald Wilkins HaPpY bIrThDaY tO tHe BaBy WiLkInS!  

Sounds like you had another productive day.

Edited March 26, 2016 by Natasha

[Emerald]

9 hours ago, Natasha said:

@Emerald Wilkins HaPpY bIrThDaY tO tHe BaBy WiLkInS!  

Sounds like you had another productive day.

Thank you.

[Guest]

@Emerald Wilkins Lol happy bday friend, I usually don't read journals so I almost missed it. I wish you the best in life and more importantly I wish for you that you stay awesome and real and reach all your goals, the sooner the better . You are a blessing to this forum

[Emerald]

7 hours ago, Lucifer said:

@Emerald Wilkins Lol happy bday friend, I usually don't read journals so I almost missed it. I wish you the best in life and more importantly I wish for you that you stay awesome and real and reach all your goals, the sooner the better . You are a blessing to this forum

Thank you. It was my son's birthday yesterday. Mine is in April. But thank you for the words of encouragement.  By the way, are you Rasmus? or someone else? 

[Guest]

@Emerald Wilkins I am actually. Well then to your son  

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Today's Habits Update (Day 8)

Wake Up at 6 am- I woke up 10 minutes late because I forgot to set my alarm. Luckily my husband happened to get up around that time, and asked me if I still wanted to get up. I was able to do 33 minutes of meditation this morning before my daughter got up!

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check - Morning Weight= 128.8 lbs. I ate 1715 calories today. Woohoo! Under 2000 calories. Colors: Blueberries (blue/purple) Banana (white) Cooked Cauliflower (white) Cooked Spaghetti Squash (yellow) Orange juice (Orange) Kiwi (Green) Peaches (Orange/Yellow) Water - 16 oz; Chocolate Almond Milk - 18 oz; Smoothie - 16 oz- Fluid intake= 50 oz; I definitely need to drink more fluids, especially water. Now that I see this, I'll make sure to drink some before bed. 

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - 15 minutes dance workout 

Other things I got done:

Meditation - 33 minutes

Replied to comments on my channel

Filmed my next video - unfortunately I decided to reshoot because I didn't care for the way that I presented the material. But that's okay. I'll call it a practice run.

Finished editing the thumbnail for my next video

Read to the kids

Tidied the kitchen and living room

Washed Clothes

Today was fairly productive. I was happy to get a full half hour in for meditation. Will attempt to fit in Spiritual Autolysis tomorrow, which I will share on here. I didn't care for my filming session today because I was rushing a bit and not concise/organized enough with my message, so I'll save the topic for Wednesday and release an extra video in the coming week. I'm trying to stick to my two videos a week and one blog. So, I'm still in the catch-up phase. I plan to begin filming one day a week, on Tuesday for both videos and to make Sunday my writing day where I outline what I'm going to say. Then have a more consistent schedule for social media marketing, research, and the like. 

 

[Natasha]

@Emerald Wilkins This is how to calculate your ideal water intake daily amount: divide your weight in half and this is your number in ounces. Yours would be about 65 oz a day. 

Your water quality is important too. That would mean no tap water. I drink only alkaline water (with a bit of organic raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar with the 'mother' mixed to it (Bragg's brand from Walmart, $6 for a large bottle). Google the health benefits of ACV, there's over a 100. It's some of the most healthiest and cheapest things out there.

  

[Emerald]

53 minutes ago, Natasha said:

@Emerald Wilkins This is how to calculate your ideal water intake daily amount: divide your weight in half and this is your number in ounces. Yours would be about 65 oz a day. 

Your water quality is important too. That would mean no tap water. I drink only alkaline water (with a bit of organic raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar with the 'mother' mixed to it (Bragg's brand from Walmart, $6 for a large bottle). Google the health benefits of ACV, there's over a 100. It's some of the most healthiest and cheapest things out there.

  

Thank you. My mom uses apple cider vinegar and swears by it.

[Toby]

After reading about your channel I "stalked" you a bit and looked into 1-2 videos of you. Was cool seeing you.

[Emerald]

37 minutes ago, Toby said:

After reading about your channel I "stalked" you a bit and looked into 1-2 videos of you. Was cool seeing you.

Thank you for stalking.  

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Today's Habits Update (Day 9)

Wake Up at 6 am- I woke up at 6 am very tired because I was up late "talking with the Easter Bunny." I was debating getting more sleep but stuck to my guns.

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check - Morning Weight= 129.4 lbs. I ate 2380 calories today... not too bad for Easter. Colors: Mixed Berries (Red/Blue/Purple) Banana (White) Orange juice (Orange) Broccoli (Green) Water - 62 oz; Chocolate Almond Milk - 4 oz; Coconut Milk - 12 oz; Smoothie - 12 oz- Fluid intake= 90 oz

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - Slacking a bit. Will do 15 minutes of yoga before bed tonight.

Other things I got done:

Meditation - 1 Minute

Celebrated Easter with the family

Read to the kids

Cooked Chicken, Broccoli, and Potatoes

Tidied the whole house 

All things considered, for it being a holiday, I was reasonably productive. Luckily my kids took a nap at the same time in the middle of the day, so I was able to catch up on lost sleep. I didn't get to my Spiritual Autolysis though, and I only did the bare minimum of my meditation practice. Tomorrow, I will write and post my blog, and make outlines for my Tuesday filming session. 

[Emerald]

On March 21, 2016 at 4:37 PM, Emerald Wilkins said:

So, all the romantic fantasies, that I’ve been stealing away to using as a drug to self-medicate with, have been to continue weaving my self-concept. My romantic fantasies and sexual insecurities have been keeping me asleep and away from liberation.

The self-concept (ego) has to be constantly woven and rewoven to even exist. This is why meditation is so effective at wearing away at the ego, because when you divert your attention away from thought, it loses power and starts to fade from your memory. Since the self-concept is a thought, taking your attention away from it makes your mind lose memory of it fairly quickly. Kind of like trying to remember a number sequence, you have to constantly be thinking about your “self” to keep it in your memory. This is why you can’t stop your thoughts. It is the persistence of thoughts that keeps your self-concept alive. It is what gives you the illusion of separation from all other things in existence.

So, this whole time, I’ve been looking in the wrong spots for enlightenment.

So, my solution is starve out those thoughts. For the next 64 days, I will not allow myself to engage in any fantasies, insecurities, thought stories, etc. that relate back to romance or sexuality. When I become mindful of my mind going to thoughts like that, I will put my focus on my sensory perceptions. What I see, hear, feel, smell, or taste. These will be my anchors in reality that keep my ego from spinning these thought stories.

Thank you for reading.  

Update on starving out romantic/sexual thoughts, fantasies, and insecurities. 

So, thoughts occasionally have been coming up and I've been applying mindfulness to keep myself from getting involved with them. The sexual fantasies are easier to let go of, because I was always engaging in them purposefully and voluntarily. There have only been two times in the past week where I got involved with them for a few minutes, but was able to become mindful. Slightly more difficult to let go of are insecurities, but even those aren't too bad. The negative emotions make me mindful fairly quickly.

I realize now that he most difficult fantasies to let go of are super subtle "admiration fantasies." These aren't even necessarily romantic, but involve people that I know thinking well of me and admiring me for x, y, or z trait. Today, I was listening to Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence" and got the urge to learn to play it. I know how to play the guitar, and I used to be a street musician when I was in college, but I haven't touched it in years.

Nonetheless, I still got involved in a fantasy that I learned to play it and happened to (humbly of course ) play and sing it for a few of my former co-workers, who were intrigued by the fact that I knew how to play it. They admired me for having an eclectic interests and knowledge of how to play an instrument on top of being able to draw/paint, knowing a lot of things, etc. So, the fantasy tells me that I want significance and novelty in the eyes of others. I think I like this fantasy because it makes me feel valued for my positive quirks, and gives me a sense of standing out in a crowd. It causes and us/them dualistic mindset where everyone else has to be vanilla so that I might be interesting. 

It's very clear my ego wants this scenario to happen, so that it can feel good about itself. 

 

[Emerald]

New blog post from my site - http://www.thediamondnet.org/blog/2016/3/28/spiritual-autolysis-existence-and-non-existence

Spiritual Autolysis : Existence and Non-Existence

So, it is a “goal” of mine to reach enlightenment by changing my relationship to my self-concept and debunk all the falsely held beliefs and assumptions based upon concepts for making things easier to understand to the rational mind.

So, I’ve recently been looking into various processes for questioning and deconstructing my beliefs about reality to perceive what is truly there before any assumptions, labels, frameworks, or concepts are placed over top of reality. So, the idea is to perceive of reality before any thought story is created. To see reality as a newborn baby sees it, only with the developmental capabilities of an adult.

This deconstruction process reminds me of when I first learned to draw and paint realistically. When I was 15, I took an art class in high school where I learned to switch from thinking about the things that I was drawing non-symbolically to seeing objects as a collection of shapes imbued with colors. So, instead of drawing my idea of a chair or even thinking about drawing a chair at all, I would just draw/paint the actual shapes and colors that I saw in front of me.

Having seen through the illusion of the labels put upon visual phenomenon enabled me to make progress quickly, almost over night. It was like a mini-enlightenment for the visual sense.

The process of deconstruction of beliefs that I engaged in as a teenage art student, is the same one that I’m engaged in now, only with the goal of enlightenment.

So, I need to turn this deconstructive, non-symbolic awareness and questioning toward my ideas and concepts regarding myself and reality.

So, I have been using a process called “Spiritual Autolysis” from enlightened author Jed McKenna. In this process you attempt to write something true and then question it and rewrite it until it is true.

It is through this dissection process that we can have a real experience of our own being and be ripe for the breakthrough and paradigm shift called enlightenment. So, here is my most recent Spiritual Autolysis session, to explore my unconsciously held ideas and feelings regarding existence and non-existence.

Questions: What is existence? What is non-existence?

Write something true regarding these questions...

'Things in existence exist. Things that are not in existence don't exist.' or 'Things in existence are. Things not in existence are not.'

My definition of existence- Everything that is.

Are there things in existence or is there just existence? Not sure

Can there be any thing that is a 'not' thing? - Maybe empty space

Is empty space a thing or the absence of a thing? - Seemingly the absence of a thing. But I've never experienced this. Even emptiness from my experience contains air. So, empty space is a concept that I have in my mind, and not a thing that I'm experiencing in the now.

Does my concept of empty space mean empty space doesn't exist?  No. But it means that I don't know

Am I experiencing anything right now that doesn't exist? Not sure

What is existence? When something is there

Where is there? In reality

Where is reality? In my subjective experience right now

Where is my experience? No particular place. Places exist only within the content of my experience. My experience isn't located anywhere, because anywhere is a concept within my subjective experience.

So, is place a 'not' thing? I'm not sure.

How do I perceive of place visually? Visually I experience a flat screen of shapes imbued with colors that I interpret based on my previous experiences in the world.

How do I perceive of place tactually? I feel sensations that seem to have length, width, and depth which seem to correspond to the sights that I see because of a lifetime of experiencing them in tandem with one another. Either way, I don't know if my sensations have any special relativity to one another. I could perhaps convince myself that some sensations are bigger, smaller, more left, more right than the others. I could also focus on my sensations to the point where they feel like a universe in themselves.

Do I perceive of place any other way? No. Only as a thought story

Does place have to have an up, down, left, and right? No. Directions are a concept to make space more understandable to the human mind.

Can existence happen in a "place" if none of these directions exist? Maybe.

Could I narrow down the location of 'my' experiences to a particular point? No.

Does this mean that place doesn't exist? Maybe.

Rewriting what's true:

Non-existence is. Existence has no particular place.

If there are no "things" inside of reality and there is no place for reality, does reality exist? Maybe not.

Are my perceptions themselves (not the content of perception) objects? No. Objects are content of the perception and not the perception itself.

Asked by jjer94 (a friend of mine on the forum I posted this on)- What is the substance of an object? Do objects even exist?

So, visually the substance of the object appears to be light. But light itself is just content within the perception. It's another assumption based upon what I "know" about how color is perceived. Tactually, an 'object' is just a sensation. But the sensation related to my experience of the object has nothing to do with my visual experience of the object nor any other sensory perception of the object.

What I have is a flat plane of shapes imbued with colors, perceived by no one that is seemingly floating in nothingness. It could just be a screen with seemingly corresponding sensations that are also floating in nothingness

So, the biggest ‘aha!’ moment for me was that place doesn’t exist separate from my thoughts regarding ‘place’. I had always known that space had no up, down, left, or right. This is all relational. So, are the concepts of big and small. An atom and a universe are both infinite.

But I had assumed that my reality was located someplace as a point within some empty dark field. That in that dark field at a point where my visual, audio, tactual, olfactory, gustatory, and thought perceptions floating there as things. But now it seems like these are sort of a non-point.

Sort of like you can’t really find a point on a mathematical graph because a single point has no height, width or depth. It doesn’t really exist even though it seems to have a location and is mathematically viable. But even this is just a metaphor.

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Yesterday's Habits Update (Day 10) (I'm posting a day late)

Wake Up at 6 am- I woke up. I don't remember the details of it. It must have been pretty good because I was able to get a full 30 minute meditation and do 20 minutes of exercise before my daughter woke up.

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check - Morning Weight= 130.4 lbs. I ate 2100 calories today. Colors: Mixed Berries (Red/Blue/Purple) Banana (White) Orange juice (Orange) Tomato (Red) Artisan Lettuce (Green, Purple)  Water - 48 oz; Smoothie - 12 oz- Coffee - 12 oz; Fluid intake= 72 oz

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - 20 minutes

Other things I got done:

Meditation - 30 Minutes

Tidied the whole house 

Wrote and posted my blog

Read to the kids

I can't remember everything that I got done because this is a late posting. But I'm always happy on a day where I get 30 minutes of meditation done.

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Yesterday's Habits Update (Day 11)

Wake Up at 6 am- I woke up. I was tired because I stayed up late. I meditated for 22 minutes but it was difficult to keep myself focused because of sleepiness. I've been having a hard time keeping a 10 o'clock bedtime because I've been jam-packing my to-do list. Thanks to my husband, I was able to catch up by taking a 2.5 hour nap in the middle of the day. I should do a better job at prioritizing and planning my days by deciding which activities I'm going to do at which times.

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check - Morning Weight= 129.4 lbs. I ate 2225 calories today. Colors: Banana (White) Orange juice (Orange) Green Beans (Green) Strawberries (Red)  Water - 32 oz; Coffee - 12 oz; Chocolate Milk - 12 oz; Orange Juice - 12 oz Fluid intake= 68 oz; I definitely need more water intake.

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - I did 6 minutes of yoga this morning after I meditated. I will finish the rest of it after I'm done with this post. I should set a clear window of time to do my exercise within. Like, I have to begin exercising by 7:15 and finish by 7:45. Otherwise, it interferes in my day.

Other things I got done:

Meditation - 22 Minutes

Cleaned the whole house with dishes, laundry, etc.

Picked up some things at the produce stand

Cooked dinner

I got a lot of things done at the house today, but my sleepiness and catching up on sleep cut into my more creative/personal development type goals. It felt like a productive day because I finished a lot of practical things, which is good. But I have to split my time better and a lot more energy to my more long-term goals. My daughter went back to pre-school today because Spring Break just ended. So, that gives me about 2 hours during the day where things are a little more chilled out. I should start training myself to use this time for my more creative work, because I have a tendency to use this time to just chill out. This can really help me get into more of a groove with my creative work and not be rushing and compromising the quality.

Edited March 30, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Yesterday's Habits Update (Day 12)

Wake Up at 6 am- I woke up fifteen minutes late. But I was able to get going fairly quickly because today was a filming day. I meditated for 10 minutes and did my 15 minutes of exercise right away.

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check - Morning Weight= 128.8 lbs. I ate 2180 calories today. Colors: Banana (White) Orange juice (Orange) Tomato Sauce (Red) Spaghetti Squash (Yellow) Water - 32 oz- Iced Coffee - 20 oz; Orange Juice- 12 oz; Coconut Milk- 12 oz Fluid intake= 74 oz

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - 15 minutes dance workout

Other things I got done:

Meditation - 10 minutes

Tidied the whole house with dishes, laundry, etc

Filmed two videos

Edited one video (It's currently still rendering) Will post in the morning

Made dinner

Responded to messages on my channel

Today was rocky with my food journal. I just now wrote down everything that I ate from memory. I think I got everything but I'm not 100% sure. I was in a rush for filming, so I neglected to write down breakfast, then it was easier to not write down lunch and dinner to. I should modify this habit so that I have to write the food and calories down before I actually consume it. It would be a lot more beneficial. Otherwise, I really liked the videos that I shot today. One was about what enlightenment is, and another is about how a 'self 'is created. I'm glad that I decided to reshoot. Tomorrow, I have to get prepared for the weekend. I'm super excited!!! I'm going to one of Teal Swan's synchronization workshops in Orlando. It was my splurge with tax money, so I'm staying in the "Tribe House" too and I'm sure that I'll meet a lot of interesting people there. I'm going to shoot a video next week about my experience at the workshop.