Emerald's Self-actualization Journal

[Emerald]

Hello all!  I've decided to start this journal to keep myself motivated. I'm highly influenced by having an audience, and despite my progress over the past year since watching Leo's videos and consuming other personal development resources, I still have some trouble when the rubber meets the road. It is my goal to transform my life and to reach enlightenment... to be happy and fulfilled in the most optimum way.

I will start today with a quick introduction to myself and an outline of my goals.

My name is Emerald Wilkins, and I'm 26 years old. I'm married, and I have two children: a daughter who is a couple months shy of age five and a son who turns one next week. I have been interested in personal development since I was about 14 years old, and got really serious about it at age 16 when I began devoting most of my time to it. At age 18, I went to college to study Fine Art and Art Education. I graduated in 2012.  

Up until 9 months ago, I had been working as a high school graphic design teacher. My supervisors let me know at 8.5 months pregnant that they wouldn't be renewing my contract the next year, given the reason that I wasn't a "good fit." I was let go at the end of last school year after I came back from maternity leave. A teacher in their first three years in the state of Florida can legally be let go for any reason and no reason. So, now that I've been fired from my first teaching job, my chances of finding a job as an art teacher, are slim to none because no hiring administrator is going to take a chance on hiring me. I was devastated after ten years of hard work and really pulling myself up by my bootstraps with only myself to support me emotionally, financially, and otherwise. Becoming a teacher was a goal that I've held seriously since I was 15, and even when I was in elementary school I wanted to do it.

So, I'm trying hard to pick the pieces of my life up. I want to make my life, even better than it was before.

Practical Goals:

-I'm currently a stay at home mother and homemaker, which I want to become great at. My episodes of depression and anxiety that I've been experiencing due to my career situation has been getting in the way of my functioning in this way. I truly consider myself a mediocre mom, and that's crap. So, I want to get better at that.

-I started a Youtube channel and blog, about 4 months ago. I know that teaching is part of my life purpose, but maybe I interpreted it wrong in thinking I was supposed to teach high school. I want to share insights with people that have helped me understand things about myself and the world, in order to help them live a better life. My goal is to stick to my schedule, create high quality content (craftsmanship included), and grow my subscriber base. I also eventually intend to become an author.

Spiritual Goals:

-I had two ego-transcendence experiences when I was 20, where I was truly myself again for a short while. My goal is to reach enlightenment through strong determination sitting meditation, contemplation, self-inquiry, and spiritual autolysis

Edited March 20, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[Emerald]

So, it's occurred to me that I've neglected some basic fundamentals of life before seeking the higher forms of self-actualization. So, currently I started a 66 day 100% commitment to install three keystone habits related to the three fundamentals: sleep, exercise, and nutrition. A keystone habit is a habit that creates a ripple effect through other areas of life. It takes about 66 days to truly form a lasting habit.

So, here are the ones that I've chosen to focus on:

1. Sleep: Wake up at 6 am every morning, and go to bed by 10 pm each night

2. Exercise: At least 15 minutes of exercise daily

3. Nutrition: Weigh myself every morning and keep a food journal with calories included.

Today is day two of my 66 day challenge, and so far so good. It has been helping me be productive in other areas too.

I also have a 100% commitment to do at least 1 minute of meditation daily forever. With caring for children, it's disheartening the lack of guarantee of having 30 minutes each day. This will guarantee that I won't fall off track, but my ultimate goal is to do at least 30 minutes daily.

So, I'm trying small changes, and I hope that they accrue over time.

[Guest]

Keep it up!

[Natasha]

@Emerald Wilkins What's the name of your YouTube channel and blog?

[99th_monkey]

nice to read this. my story mirrors yours a bit (passionate about work and a stay at home parent of young ones) but im much less regimented, and dont have any goals. And i completely understand your predicament with trying to meditate. getting 45 seconds of peace and quite is about as probable as getting struck by lightning. 

ive read your posts for a bit on here and theres not much i can offer you in terms of advise except to be easy on yourself  You're a much better parent then you realize, you and your little ones are young enough so that the less neurotic you become, the less neurotic they'll become  and you can build a happy healthy relationship with each other. 

cheers!

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, Natasha said:

@Emerald Wilkins What's the name of your YouTube channel and blog?

It's called The Diamond Net and the blog and videos are at thediamondnet.org. Let me know what you think.

5 hours ago, FocusOnTruth said:

Keep it up!

Thank you.

25 minutes ago, 99th_monkey said:

nice to read this. my story mirrors yours a bit (passionate about work and a stay at home parent of young ones) but im much less regimented, and dont have any goals. And i completely understand your predicament with trying to meditate. getting 45 seconds of peace and quite is about as probable as getting struck by lightning. 

ive read your posts for a bit on here and theres not much i can offer you in terms of advise except to be easy on yourself  You're a much better parent then you realize, you and your little ones are young enough so that the less neurotic you become, the less neurotic they'll become  and you can build a happy healthy relationship with each other. 

cheers!

Thank you for the words of encouragement. Best of luck with balancing parenthood and self-actualization, to you as well.

[Natasha]

@Emerald Wilkins Just watched 'Ego: Friend or Foe'. Great content and awesome job on presentation. Love the pastel color background! And I also think you are very pretty

The subscription button to your channel wasn't working, will try again later. 

[Emerald]

10 hours ago, Natasha said:

@Emerald Wilkins Just watched 'Ego: Friend or Foe'. Great content and awesome job on presentation. Love the pastel color background! And I also think you are very pretty

The subscription button to your channel wasn't working, will try again later. 

Thank you for checking it out and thank you for the encouragement!  It means a lot to me.

[Emerald]

Here is my blog post from my blog this week, all about my realization of how my ego has been getting in the way using self doubt and sexual identity to keep itself alive. The first part if about a dip in motivation I've had over the past month, regarding my Youtube channel and blog.

Sexuality and Re-spinning my Self-Concept

Hello all! It’s been a while since I’ve been writing because I’ve been dealing with some psychological dips in the road. My confidence got shaken a little bit by self-doubt, wondering if what I have to say is valuable or what qualifies me to even speak on the topic of spirituality.

‘Am I doing something irresponsible by sharing my insights?’

‘Am I presenting the information the right way?’

‘Maybe I should wait until I’m further down the spiritual path to share…’

Then I realized that I was taking myself too seriously again. I was identifying too much with my insights, thoughts, and identity. The ego is a sneaky devil that comes in many disguises.

It occurs to me now that I should treat my videos and blogs in the same way that I’ve treated my artwork. When I was painting and creating art on a regular basis, I didn’t think “What qualifies me to make this painting?” or “Is this painting valuable to someone?’ I just made it because it was what I wanted to make and if people enjoyed it or didn’t enjoy it… there it was.

So, the fruit of my contemplation, insight seeking, and research wants to be expressed. Without an outlet to share, it’s almost unbearable to me. So, even if I’m not exactly Lao Tzu… I won’t fight what wants to come from me any longer.

So, I am committing myself to expressing whatever comes in the most transparent way that I can fathom. I will share things that have helped me as I’ve navigated my way through life and share more of my struggles via my blog and videos. I definitely need to do more of that. I consider myself a beginner on the path of spirituality, and I don’t know if my videos and blogs thus far have done a great job at expressing that.

So, on that note, here’s some dirt on my psychological state.

So, ever since I was a child, I’ve perpetually held some form of a crush. It’s always on one person at a time, who is at a distance from me. In the past, I used to create entire romantic narrative around this individual. And they usually lasted anywhere from 6 months to a year.

So, in my spare moments and before going to sleep I would engage in romantic fantasies about this person (whoever it was at the time). When I was under age seven, my fantasies contained a lot of fairytale themes like getting married, dancing, and a true love’s kiss.

Then I learned about sex, and those fantasies went out the window. Possibly because sex is a lot biologically closer to becoming “one” with another person than marriage is. Marriage is an institution; sex is an instinct.

As I learned more about sex, my fantasies went from romantic to increasingly more graphic. Then a lot more social learning occurred through the media, pornography, my own experiences of sex, social ideas regarding gender and sexuality, and tons of other micro-influences. So, I ended up with some really unhealthy attitudes about what sex means, what it means to be a woman, and what it means to be a woman as a sexual being.

I often find myself battling with identifying with ideas that are disempowering to me as an individual. Worrying about my youth fading. Worrying that I’m not attractive. Worrying that I’m missing out on something. Worrying that I’ll never feel sexually satisfied. Worrying about losing social value or attention. So, lots of worrying and lots of ego identification.

So, several weeks ago, I was doing Spiritual Autolysis (a process for reaching enlightenment by Jed McKenna) and I had an insight regarding perception. I realized that I had been holding an unconscious Idea that perceptions were actually being detected by some sort of sense mechanism. When seeking enlightenment, you’re trying to become aware of all beliefs and assumptions no matter how true they may seem. So, I awoke in the middle of the night and decided to drop in on my perception.

So, I looked mindfully to the tactual sensations within my field of awareness and tried to remove them from the idea that they were being experienced by some nerve endings that are on “my” body. When I did this, it started to feel very strange like my sensations were collapsing in on one another in a field of emptiness. I felt myself “going away” almost like I would imagine death to be.

Then, all of a sudden, some thoughts sprung into the emptiness, telling me that my beauty is fading every day that passes. Worrying about losing attractiveness and significance in that way. Then emotions came: insecurity, resistance, anxiety, and a sick feeling. These thoughts pulled me back from the experience.

Then it hit me. All of my insecurities about my sexuality and attractiveness are an ego defense mechanism… And all of my fantasies too. They are two sides to the same coin that my ego has been using to keep me identified with my self concept. It has been my ego’s way of surviving.

I have always been introspective even when I was a child. I remember being 4 years old in my room thinking about how time works and trying to hone in on the “now.” I remember trying to stop my thoughts. I had always been doing ego deconstruction work. It’s come very naturally to me, even before I ever knew anything regarding spirituality, psychology, or personal development.

So, all the romantic fantasies, that I’ve been stealing away to using as a drug to self-medicate with, have been to continue weaving my self-concept. My romantic fantasies and sexual insecurities have been keeping me asleep and away from liberation.

The self-concept (ego) has to be constantly woven and rewoven to even exist. This is why meditation is so effective at wearing away at the ego, because when you divert your attention away from thought, it loses power and starts to fade from your memory. Since the self-concept is a thought, taking your attention away from it makes your mind lose memory of it fairly quickly. Kind of like trying to remember a number sequence, you have to constantly be thinking about your “self” to keep it in your memory. This is why you can’t stop your thoughts. It is the persistence of thoughts that keeps your self-concept alive. It is what gives you the illusion of separation from all other things in existence.

So, this whole time, I’ve been looking in the wrong spots for enlightenment.

So, my solution is starve out those thoughts. For the next 64 days, I will not allow myself to engage in any fantasies, insecurities, thought stories, etc. that relate back to romance or sexuality. When I become mindful of my mind going to thoughts like that, I will put my focus on my sensory perceptions. What I see, hear, feel, smell, or taste. These will be my anchors in reality that keep my ego from spinning these thought stories.

Thank you for reading.  

Edited March 21, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Yesterday's habits update (Day 2)

Wake Up at 6 am- Got up no problem. My son woke up but luckily I was able to nurse him back to sleep and sneak away. Sometimes my baby escape artistry works and sometimes it doesn't.

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check (bonus points = under 1500 calories) I'm trying to lose the last 10 lbs of my baby weight. Also, ate all my colors and a lot of raw fruits and veggies. My smoothie in the morning had bananas, strawberries, blueberries, and orange juice (white, red, blue/purple, yellow/orange). Then I had a salad for lunch with spinach, watercress, and assorted colored cherry tomatoes (green, red, yellow/orange). I did still drink a coffee later, but I got a medium instead of a large. Small victory.  

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - 30 minutes of belly dance workout in the morning.

Keystone habits are all accounted for from yesterday and 2/3 complete for today. I even got some extra things done around the house. I think that waking up at 6 am and exercising first thing in the morning made it a lot easier to be productive and productive minded throughout the day. So, I'm really starting to see a ripple effect and I'm only on day three now. I feel a lot better, because I'm not beating myself up over being unproductive and expecting too much from myself because I didn't get every thing under the sun done in one day. I'm a lot less depressed. I have decided that every day that I complete these three things is a victory regardless of whatever else goes on.

Also, about a week and a half ago, I started what I want to make into a tradition with my daughter (and eventually my son when he's old enough) where I'm reading to them from a classic children's book every night. Right now we're a little over half way through "The Wizard of Oz" which is quite a bit different than the movie. This habit is pretty easy to do because we can really only do up to 5 or 6 pages at a time before she gets bored.

I'm trying to spend more time with my daughter and give her more positive reinforcement. She's very mischievous and acts out a lot, due to mine and my husband's various neuroses and difficulty being present, so I'm trying to build up her self concept and self esteem to a less reactive one. So, today, instead of admonishing her and saying all the things that she's not doing right, I've been taking the time when she is behaving to tell her nice things about herself. I know that she really appreciates it. I think, over time, this will snowball into her being less likely to seek negative attention, and she'll develop a healthy ego. I'm going to try to get my husband on board too, but this may be easier said than done.

 

 

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Today's Habits Update (Day 4)

Wake Up at 6 am- I got up but my son got up a few minutes later so I had to stay in the room nursing him to fall asleep. He kept waking up when I was trying to put him in the crib, so I put him down for sleep on the bed instead and pushed the crib against the bed so he wouldn't roll off. I'm an escape artist.

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check - 2010 Calories - Ate all my colors 1/2 raw (Orange Juice, Banana, Black Berries, Blueberries, Raspberries, Strawberries in my 24 oz breakfast smoothie and a serving of red, yellow, orange, and red-green Cherry tomatoes) 1/2 cooked (Hungarian Lecso - Tomatoes and Green Peppers). 56 oz water, 24 oz smoothie, 12 oz coconut milk = 92 oz fluid intake

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - 30 minutes of belly dance workout in the morning.

Other things I got done:

Meditation - Only 8 minutes before my son woke up

Filmed my next video about my spiritual journey thus far. Just got new lighting and voice recorder so I feel pretty good about improving my production quality. 

Edited my video and uploaded it to Youtube for private to post tomorrow to public

Cooked Chicken, Asparagus, and Pasta

Read five pages in "The Book of Not Knowing"

Did two loads of laundry

Tidied the house

Read to My Daughter and Son

[Guest]

Awesome, always nice to see the person behind the posts! I will have a look at the blog/videos when I have time. 

In the meanwhile, best of luck..

[Natasha]

@Emerald Wilkins What kind of pasta do you use? I did an extensive research about grains and after having learned about gluten, stopped consuming anything with it. I found that rice/ buckwheat pasta or spaghetti squash are much healthier alternatives. 'Grain Brain' is an excellent resource if you want to learn more about that.   

Edited March 23, 2016 by Natasha

[Emerald]

9 hours ago, TwoDays said:

Awesome, always nice to see the person behind the posts! I will have a look at the blog/videos when I have time. 

In the meanwhile, best of luck..

Thank you.

[Emerald]

10 minutes ago, Natasha said:

@Emerald Wilkins What kind of pasta do you use? I did an extensive research about grains and after having learned about gluten, stopped consuming anything with it. I found that rice/ buckwheat pasta or spaghetti squash are much healthier alternatives. 'Grain Brain' is an excellent resource if you want to learn more about that.   

Currently, I just use the 100% whole wheat pasta. I haven't looked into very much information about gluten, but I'll definitely check out 'Grain Brain.' Thank you.

[abrakamowse]

Great Journal Emerald! I posted a comment on one of your videos and I am subscribed to your channel.

I really like it, I will check some more videos but you did a great job, very professional.

I am thinking in opening a channel about how to draw comics, you encouraged me to do one.

[Emerald]

10 hours ago, abrakamowse said:

Great Journal Emerald! I posted a comment on one of your videos and I am subscribed to your channel.

I really like it, I will check some more videos but you did a great job, very professional.

I am thinking in opening a channel about how to draw comics, you encouraged me to do one.

You should definitely do it. It's a lot of fun to make videos and share them. Do you have any of your comics posted anywhere?  Thank you for the encouragement and thank you for subbing!

Edited March 24, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[abrakamowse]

I am working at this moment on updating my website, I didn't finish it yet but I have a deviant art page. It needs to be updated too but you can see some of my stuff there, this is the link @Emerald Wilkins

 

http://danielpuch.deviantart.com/

Edited March 24, 2016 by abrakamowse

[Emerald]

Keystone Habits and Practical Life Update- 66 Day Challenge

Today's Habits Update (Day 5)

Wake Up at 6 am- I got up both of my kids stayed asleep until my daughter woke up at 7:30. So, I had an entire hour and a half to get things done. So, the day started out well.

Keep a Food Journal of everything I eat with calories accounted for - Check - I kept the food journal but didn't fill out the calories until now. Oh man! I ate 2700 calories today. Next time, I will have to keep better track As for the colors, blueberries (blue/purple), banana (white), orange juice (yellow/orange), tomatoes (red), lettuce (green) - all accounted for and all raw.

Exercize 15+ Minutes a Day - I didn't exercise until 7:30 today because I was posting my Wednesday video to my channel. I only did 15 minutes of exercise today because I was hungry and decided to quit early to eat breakfast. But I met my goal... but by a bare minimum.

Other things I got done:

Meditation - 20 minutes

Posted my newest video

Promoted on Social Media, with extra posts on Twitter and Facebook

Took my kids to the mall to see the Easter Bunny

Went birthday shopping for my son and Easter shopping

Overall, I didn't get anything near done that I wanted to because of the time spent away from the house. Also, I spent too much time online today checking and rechecking my subscriber count like the rats that keep pushing the lever to get a treat.... random schedules of reward are a doozy. ;) My mom is coming into town tomorrow, so I'll have to use my 6 am wakeup to get to work on tidying up the house.

So, I was a slack ass today. Also, I'm currently up almost an hour and half past my bedtime. But I still consider it a win because I did my keystone habits. I just have to tell myself- It's okay to suck, but it's not okay to not do it.  

Edited March 24, 2016 by Emerald Wilkins

[Emerald]

29 minutes ago, abrakamowse said:

I am working at this moment on updating my website, I didn't finish it yet but I have a deviant art page. It needs to be updated too but you can see some of my stuff there, this is the link @Emerald Wilkins

 

http://danielpuch.deviantart.com/

Very nice work. I especially enjoyed the complexity of the creatures. They go way past the first thought.  My husband's cousin writes offbeat short 3 panel sci-fi stories and collaborates with different comic book artists for a weekly web comic on his website "Observatory Comics." He started doing it a little over a year ago, and he's been featured in Heavy Metal Magazine and one or two other publications. He also recently won an award where a publisher chose his graphic novel anthology to be published. He's always looking around for new comic artists to collaborate with. Here is the link for his site:

http://www.observatorycomics.com/

If you like the work and you think you might be interested in being involved in the project, I can send him the link to your Deviant Art and see what he thinks. I'm not sure if it's a paying gig though. I think he gets volunteers for the most part, but he may compensate a little bit. That I'm not sure of though. 

Also, I'm an artist myself, although I haven't done much over the past several years other than what was necessary for my job when I was working as a high school graphic design and painting teacher. But since I've been staying home, over the past 9 months, I haven't done much of anything in the field of visual arts. I actually created the logo for the website I linked up above.