Why do we secretly want all the bad stuff we are trying to change?

[Widdle Puppy]

I've become recently aware to a degree that I am causing every emotional problem in my life. I have a pretty clear understanding of this logically and even to some degree experientially but there exists this force in me that completely doesn't care and feels emotionally angry and shameful and blaming of the outside world and others. I'm addicted to my bad behaviors, my adhd mind, emotions, habits, victimhood, blame and shame, mindsets of the world and I don't understand why. It completely confuses me and enrages me but I don't understand why I secretly want all the bad stuff I'm trying to change about myself. I distract myself from meditating. I distract myself from facing the negative emotions. Why? Why do I secretly want all the bad stuff I am trying to change?

Edited July 25, 2018 by Widdle Puppy

[Arman]

It can be easier to observe in others - in watching children or reality TV. All these positions have a payoff. A typical one in children is when you don't have what you want, the more you huff and puff and make yourself miserable, the greater the likelihood that you'll get what you want from your parents. They give in eventually. Is it working? No? Better cry more. When we grow up its unconsciously projected onto the universe or God. We find pleasure in juicing negative feelings. They feel good. In being angry, you get to feel righteous and it feels better than feeling guilty. Being a victim means you get to refuse responsibility. Blaming means not having to face yourself.  We would rather be right than be happy. 

 

Edited July 25, 2018 by Arman

[blazed]

Yes it's called ego, you have a higher self that wants to grow and a lower self (ego) that wants you to stay so the ego can maintain itself and the illusion.

It's normal this is not unique to you but to humanity.

Out of these two wolves good vs bad the one you feed the most grows and wins.

Start to gradually starve the big bad Wolf and feed good Wolf more.

Brains likes repitetive patterns and pathways if you always do negative stuff you will default to that.

[moon777light]

meditate& practice self-inquiry and all the answers will come, with time. 

[Preetom]

@Widdle Puppy

''Humans are the only species that can set certain values and then pursue the completely opposite ones''

-Nathaniel Branden

this all boils down to the topic of consciousness. High consciousness is never a given. You have to earn it. Every single moment, you're either upgrading your consciousness or degrading it.

Edited July 25, 2018 by Preetom

[Spiral]

Anger is a tricky one as it’s comes from being unwise.

It’s not something you learn to simply overcome. No book can tell you the answer and no person can share their wisdom with you. That doesn’t mean they are wrong but listening to them won’t really help you.

Most people won’t have the insight and those who experience it first hand often find the prize too high. I most definitely do.  

[Nahm]

@Widdle Puppy Because you are eternally, blissfully, alone - and in that, you’re doing this, “this”, being not alone. So these things you are confused on, that stress you out....they support a continuation of the fantasy that you are not alone. 

For you, now...self reliance & self accountability are the way. Trust in the logic of Maslow’s pyramid. Don’t attempt to move faster spiritually than your independence in this life grants you. It’s stressful to attempt that. 

The peace is in surrendering to the now. It is not something gained by something accomplished in the future. The future is a mystery and must be accepted as such. Revel in the not knowing. Allow yourself to be amazed that uncertainty can even exist at all. 

Learn to love not knowing, and you’ll fall in love with your life. 

That love, is the ultimate self reliance you seek. 

Allow yourself to break down and have a good cry. 

[Nahm]

@K VIL Thanks and the hell you say!, love you man❤️