Feel like a pussy, self esteem hits an all time low.

[Aakash Vijayan]

I gave up by not going to an important exam (medical school) out of anxiety today. For the past 10 years of my life I've not been able to get shit done and have zero discipline in any aspect of life, and have been just getting by last minute efforts. All of that has cumulated over time and well.....karma. Most of my peers are 2-3 years ahead of me and I feel inferior to almost every human walking on the street. My parents seems to think my anxiety is voluntary and that I'm not "manning up"and I feel like they don't get it that's its sort of automatized now ( had my first panic attack one month back). I try my best usually not to give up on something and not care about what others think but currently its a 180° shift on those two aspects. I feel weak, inferior, being judged upon, being looked down upon by family and friends, incompetent and emasculated ( Im a 25 yr old male). I don't know at what point I got into this victim mentality and I'm just filled with self hatred. Even though I don't want to at all, I find that my willpower gets depleted very easy and I give up easily. Some part of me wants to tell myself that I gave up the exam to protect my sanity but my self judgement says that I'm being a chronic pussy. If I didn't fail so many exams I would've graduated 2 years back and had a job(doctor) by now. I want to able to get out of this even if my folks don't get it.

My self esteem is at an all time low and my self respect is non existent .

Also I know leo has many videos regarding matters related to this, but I find that I don't take any action based on it and just listen to it feel good, so that's another flaw 

Ive recognized that at this point of time I need to exert emotional labour , but I don't know what it means exactly and I had started a topic in the forum regarding the same (asking what it is essentially)

Another point mentioning is that I realized like 3/4ths into the whole thing that I'm not in the field of my passion, but I'm doing it so that I can support myself and my folks in the future and make some capital to make a shift later down the line. 

Any advice?

 

Edited July 24, 2018 by Aakash Vijayan
Spell checks and typos

[Elisabeth]

Hi, I can't help you, but I feel you very much, I'm in the same place today. I knew I would not be able to learn for an exam properly, so I asked the lecturer for a consultation first to take the pressure of 'you'll be examined' off me, but I manage to learn very much for that either, so I'm resistant going there. I don't grasp the math I should have learned in my previous years, I don't have to discipline to continue. I feel like I should quit my job (phd studies), I feel like my relationship is wrong too, I feel like I have no other marketable skills, I feel worthless. You're not alone.

P.S. I know I could not handle medical school, even the first year. So although you got stuck 3/4 in, you have an achievement right there.

[DesertRat]

What is the field of your passion?

[Aakash Vijayan]

@DesertRat To make music.

 

[Aakash Vijayan]

@Elisabeth i ended up doing the same thing again today. im going to get some help, coz its fucking me up a lot now. 

[Elisabeth]

5 hours ago, Aakash Vijayan said:

@Elisabeth i ended up doing the same thing again today. im going to get some help, coz its fucking me up a lot now. 

I ended up going to consult the lecturer too late and only meeting him when leaving. I admitted not understanding anything and he was kind to me, told me to come today. Then I cried for 45 minutes in my schools bathroom. (Well, that was cleansing.) So next try with more hope today.

Yes, do get some help. I also want to resume therapy as soon as I get the chance, and I'm going to speak to the school's 'carrier counselor' for, well, perspective. 'Help' doesn't help fast, but even the act of seeking it can give you some momentum to start turning your life around.

[Nahm]

On 7/23/2018 at 11:06 PM, Aakash Vijayan said:

Also I know leo has many videos regarding matters related to this, but I find that I don't take any action based on it and just listen to it feel good, so that's another flaw 

That is your problem at hand right there. 

You are missing that the whole point is to feel good, to enjoy life. 

You’ve been too zoomed in for too long. 

Get away, alone, in nature, for at least a few days...and zoom out. Allow the knowing that the point is to enjoy each moment to return. 

It will, but you must get away and allow everything you have going on to clear from your mind. 

You must “empty your cup”. 

You’ve been letting it overflow for too long. “Chronically”. That doesn’t work long term. That is anxiety. 

[DesertRat]

I’ve a most excellent friend who practiced emergency medicine for just a few years after graduation from doctor school, then left the medical field all together to follow his true passion.

He’s doing well these days, as a concert pianist in Germany and Switzerland!

Follow that passion.

[Gabriel Antonio]

You are not "a pussy." It seems you are going through an emotional burnout. 

Emotional exhaustion is a chronic state of physical and emotional depletion that results from excessive job and/or personal demands and continuous stress. It describes a feeling of being emotionally overextended and exhausted by one's work. It is manifested by both physical fatigue and a sense of feeling psychologically and emotionally "drained".

Read more at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_exhaustion 

[Jack River]

On 7/25/2018 at 5:23 AM, Nahm said:

That is your problem at hand right there. 

You are missing that the whole point is to feel good, to enjoy life. 

You’ve been too zoomed in for too long. 

Get away, alone, in nature, for at least a few days...and zoom out. Allow the knowing that the point is to enjoy each moment to return. 

It will, but you must get away and allow everything you have going on to clear from your mind. 

You must “empty your cup”. 

You’ve been letting it overflow for too long. “Chronically”. That doesn’t work long term. That is anxiety.