Depression and Suicidal thoughts affecting an outlook on Life

[Shir]

Hello Everyone !

Like I always start, I wanted to give my thanks to Leo Gura for ALL of his amazing work and for the existence of this forum for people like myself who can express themselves freely and for any and all topics involved on all of the other boards.

I've sent quite a few posts in the pasts regarding how I feel about my depression and suicidal thoughts in general and more specifically regarding certain things and so for the sake of not over cluttering the board, I just really want to share what's been weighing heavy on my heart for a while now. I've noticed this is especially as a woman, if that's important to anyone or rather even to other women reading this right now.

I've been depressed for many years now and have been recently suffering from MMD (Major Depression Disorder), not medicated (I refuse) and I feel like my suicidal thoughts have been over the roof, literally lasting from sunrise till sundown, for weeks on end without any relief whatsoever. I think this has especially weighed heavily on my outlook on life as result. In my heart of hearts, I feel like I'm not only alone in the world, not only alone in the universe but as though I am alone in existence and it's a horrible and isolating feeling. 

For reference sake, I'm an undergraduate student trying to study in order to build a career as Therapist/work In the Clinical mental health field and I'm 26, a female that's single and never had a bf/partner in my life. 

The thing that's weighing heavy on my heart, is that I feel like I somehow don't really belong anywhere in my life path. I feel like I'm trying SO hard to go through school and trying to study my dream major (even though at this point I'd never get to my dream career/job at all whatsoever), but the depression and suicidal thoughts have taken over everything at this point. I have so many years of school left as a result and by the time I'd be done with school, trying to build a career in my field will take time and I'd start around the age of 33 really, based on my calculations, I feel like. And somehow magically in the middle of this all, a healthy minded woman is supposed to find the man of her dreams and try and build a family/have kids by at least 35, because anything over that age is starting to risk fertility. Mind you, I feel like I was ALWAYS for kids all my life and now just the thought of ever getting pregnant makes me feel like my life would be over in a sense. And, I feel like women try so hard to make a life for themselves, including trying to build their own career, only to toss it away for a family that's maybe unplanned ect. To be honest, I think I'd be devastated if I'd have to toss my whole life's work of school and my career. I know children are a blessing and I am by no means trying to undermine Mothers because I think it's the hardest job there is. I am just weighed on my soul with the thought that, if i'm struggling SO hard with school and trying to build a career and the thought of being a stay at home mom makes me feel so incredibly depressed to the point of maybe I'd rather off myself...then WHAT exactly does a woman have left, you know?

I'm not saying being a stay at home mom is NOT okay, I feel glad for woman who feel like that's what they want and that's what they strive for and that it brings them joy. I'm just saying that if I were to be in that position, I think that I'd feel incredibly disappointed in myself, unfulfilled and over all perpetually depressed even more. On the other hand, the thought of choosing a career over family and relationships doesn't sound like the healthy route either because I've never been in a relationship and being 26 already, you can imagine how much I've missed in terms of that and truth be told that has always made me feel different than many people. No one really wants to feel rejected like that, I've never felt like I was ever enough for any man out there. I've been in love and heartbroken and it really does suck. At this point, I don't feel pretty enough, thin enough, intelligent enough and accomplished enough for anyone. I feel like the bar has been set so high at this day and age. On top of everything, I feel constantly stressed over school and the pressure to try and work hard in order to try and get into graduate school, which even that feels next to impossible with feeling suicidal every single day. It's like, everyone is good enough other than myself. Hence why I feel like I have no place in the world.

So all in all, what can a woman do really? Blending the two (career + family) is possibly impossible, but yet choosing one thing over the other is a whole other issue. I don't think I can express how incredibly disappointed, heartbroken I am over this because it has been something that has fallen upon me as woman especially after being in my mid-20's. I don't think we women sometimes realize how NARROW and small the time frame we have in order to study, build a career, somehow find the perfect man and partner, build a family and literally do it all. I realize all of this may be over the top but I cannot begin to express how upset I am over this whole issue. At the same time, I also feel this deep upset and disappointment in general like...is this really all there is to life? Especially as a Woman? Just to be a Mother and house wife? or just to be career driven and that's it? is this all? Maybe this is the depression speaking, but something in me doesn't see the point in a relationship and building a family for some reason (only recently this dawned on me). At the same time, I'm struggling to do the opposite and study and try to build a career. It's like I don't belong on any end of the spectrum, you know? Hopefully all of this is making some sense. 

All of this, has led me to feel even more suicidal because I feel like I have no place in the world and that although life sometimes has it's way of magically working itself out, I don't know how any of this can get better or how to begin to see things in a more rational way other than this. 

I'd appreciate your thoughts on my situation!

Thank you to everyone <3

Edited July 23, 2018 by Shir

[CuteCornDog]

I can relate.

[Shir]

@Feel Good

On 7/23/2018 at 3:50 AM, Feel Good said:

@Shir I think you're over thinking things and it's feeding into how you feel at the moment. 

I appreciate that it's hard, but can you find a way to not take all your thoughts so seriously? 

You're projecting a lot of assumptions and ridgid "shoulds" onto yourself and onto others and I think that just being aware of that, accepting that, but not being so drawn in by it will crate some distance between you and your thinking patterns.

You actually have plenty of time to work things out. Take one day at a time and learn how to feel just ok with what you have at the moment. Not your ideas about life, but what you actually have. Your ideas about your life are not your life. You can see things more accurately if you just become present as often as possible. 

I also want to ask you to look at your diet and excersise regiem. It may make a considerable difference to how you're feeling. 

 

Hey There ! First of all I would like to give my thanks for your reply and the time you took to read everything and try and help <3 I appreciate it !

You're right, I'm probably over thinking things too much as it is really. I think at times I could try and take my thoughts less seriously, but it's hard because it feels like a weight crushing down on me and my outlook on life in general, I bet. I think seeing everyone else function and actually make a living and be alright with themselves has weighed down on me because I feel like my whole day is filled with constant suicidal thoughts and feelings, making it hard to enjoy my time. 

I realize that everyone's life is different of course and that not everyone needs to be on the same path and that it's okay. I think in my mind, I had a perfect plan about how I wished things would go (not even anything THAT crazy imo nor perfect) and seeing how even that is hard to manage and do, I think that's where my depression has stemmed probably. 

You're right though, I probably have time to work things out...maybe I'm just taking things too hard as a woman. 

I should do better in terms of diet and exercise though yes! Thank you for your perspective and ALL your wonderful tips ! I appreciate it.

[Shir]

@CuteCornDog Thank you for your compassion ! I feel like somehow it helps even more, coming from a guy

[DesertRat]

This 57 year young guy can vividly imagine a moment when you’ll look back at this and giggle, a little, OP.

Hang in there, you’re super far from alone.

 

Love.

[Nahm]

IF you created your own reality simply by how you felt (the result of your perspective) - then how would you see life differently? 

[Nobody 191]

On 7/22/2018 at 8:15 PM, Shir said:

Hello Everyone !

I just really want to share what's been weighing heavy on my heart for a while now. I've noticed this is especially as a woman, if that's important to anyone or rather even to other women reading this right now.

I've been depressed for many years now and have been recently suffering from MMD (Major Depression Disorder), not medicated (I refuse) and I feel like my suicidal thoughts have been over the roof, literally lasting from sunrise till sundown, for weeks on end without any relief whatsoever. I think this has especially weighed heavily on my outlook on life as result. In my heart of hearts, I feel like I'm not only alone in the world, not only alone in the universe but as though I am alone in existence and it's a horrible and isolating feeling. 

For reference sake, I'm an undergraduate student trying to study in order to build a career as Therapist/work In the Clinical mental health field and I'm 26, a female that's single and never had a bf/partner in my life. 

The thing that's weighing heavy on my heart, is that I feel like I somehow don't really belong anywhere in my life path. I feel like I'm trying SO hard to go through school and trying to study my dream major (even though at this point I'd never get to my dream career/job at all whatsoever), but the depression and suicidal thoughts have taken over everything at this point.

 

 

I feel like women try so hard to make a life for themselves, including trying to build their own career, only to toss it away for a family that's maybe unplanned ect. To be honest, I think I'd be devastated if I'd have to toss my whole life's work of school and my career. 

I'm not saying being a stay at home mom is NOT okay, I feel glad for woman who feel like that's what they want and that's what they strive for and that it brings them joy. I'm just saying that if I were to be in that position, I think that I'd feel incredibly disappointed in myself, unfulfilled and over all perpetually depressed even more. On the other hand, the thought of choosing a career over family and relationships doesn't sound like the healthy route either because I've never been in a relationship and being 26 already, you can imagine how much I've missed in terms of that and truth be told that has always made me feel different than many people. No one really wants to feel rejected like that, I've never felt like I was ever enough for any man out there.

 

 

e. At the same time, I also feel this deep upset and disappointment in general like...is this really all there is to life?

Thank you to everyone <3

(I cut out extra because these are what I want to respond too, what you said that stuck out to me to respond to especially) 

 

I want to challenge your belief that this is the life women are consigned to. Think about it, men must balance family and work too! It may be true that a woman literally carries the child, but we're in an age where that's begining to be recognized as an acceptable thing, that women are more able to keep their careers instead of sacrifice it. 

 

The whole stay at home mom is a thing of the past, unfortunaly out of necessity but fortunately also out of there being that option available. You can have the kids at day care,

for someone who is feeling alone it is very hard. I know too, that feeling, I have only one friend right now and I've only known her four days, who knows I hope it will last but I am afraid to rely on that, friends have let me down betrayed me and left me in the dust so many times, and I've so many times pushed friends away. I don't trust that it'll be true, even tho we get along so well without obsessing about that! We are different in so many ways too! We both are in a stage of our life where we're starting over from absolute zero. It's hard and trying but we're pushing through it! 

The important thing I learned when I was in the hospital (for behavioral health, I wanted to kill myself) one of the most important things I learned that helps me to cope with my loneliness and anxiety and depression, is that Just because we feel a certain way doesn't mean it's real. 

we may feel like everything is on fire, but take it from someone who spent ten days in the hospital worrying if she'd have a job and a drivable car and a working phone once out - life doesn't go as fast as we think it does. Our necessity, our need for it, is what makes life fast - if you want life to be slow, slow down. Focus on what you need to focus on, and get it resolved. It is more important to be consistent and to finish your tasks and goals than it is to frantically try to do everything and get nothing done. 

 

Back to the woman's perspective - I don't know if I can relate, I am gay and plan on adopting, or artificial insemination, something planned. I don't know your perspective like you do - but, it seems like you are worrying a little too much. 

 

I am recovering from abuse and I wonder if you are? Because the kind of thinking you are in right now in this post of yours, it strikes home for me too I relate in many ways to your state of mind, the thoughts you deal with. Take it from me - they are incorrect thoughts. I think what @Feel Good is saying is definitely worth paying attention to - but I think they miss the reality of what it is we go through, because getting from where we are to where he's asking you to get to - it's no easy task, it's hard work. It takes time to build up that strength - I like to think of reality as if it is a sea of complex currents, and we need to navigate the strong forces. But to navigate, we must not be like the seed on the wind, which has no say in where it is carried, and we must not be like the sapling in the wind, which holds to an anchor but gets ripped away if the wind is too strong, and we must not be like the stone which sinks to the bottom and stays (mostly) put, nor the sand which is lost in the masses and shaped by the wind like herded sheep. No, we are the sailor, the tortoise, the row boat, we use the current to our advantage, we stear towards where we want to go. So, take where Feel Good is suggesting as the aim, this is where we want to go, and look to where you are now, and where you have been, and find strength to navigate - in some direction, keeping where you want to be in mind. 

 

 

That friend of mine said something that I've been thinking about all day today. She said, if I'm suffering, if I'm not going to where I want, if I don't feel passionate about it, it isn't my calling, it isn't my dream, to look again. I am not sure if I agree, but it is something I am thinking about, and I suggest you might too. When you speak of how awful you feel, and want to be a support to others? Girl, ask yourself what you want to do NOW and do it. Don't take the battering ram of what you lack in life, because in your situation, that life - supporting others - it will drag you down, deeper, and leave you emotionally tired, too tired to deal with your own self. You're studying psychology? So be your own psychologist. That is where THAT calling is calling you - you need to heal, go help yourself heal. Journal every day, and use a diary. Talk to friends, meet new people, find a counselor and/or a psychologist and talk with them. Go to group therapy meets, anything that will accept you and you can afford. YOU are the person you need to support, and you can do that!

As for what you should do with your life? Explore right now. Take that time. Are you in school - so remember that that sort of thing is better completed than not. Find school advisors and ask what you can do still to complete - decide if you want to take the shortest route to complete it, and finish your psychology degree, or ask if you want to take it a little longer, and switch majors. Perhaps you can dual-major with psychology and something else that interests you. Don't think about the career right now - think about you, your now, and your school commitment. There is so much more you can do with a college degree than JUST one dream - so getting the degree is your priority, forget about careers for now. 

 

Get working! Get a job! Find a job with positive people - that's #1. Turn down any job offer where the people who interview don't make you smile! 

Meet new people, change what scenes you visit, get out of the home and explore the world around you. Nothing helps people with limited mindest better than getting out there and exploring what is real! 

[Nobody 191]

No, this is not all that there is to life. Remember that! You may feel disappointed, but that doesn't mean what you think is true. Hear me, hear Feel Good, you do not have all that life has to offer! There is so so so so much more to life, so much beauty, start looking for that. Look for what you like, look for the minimal happiness and confidence and passion you DO feel, you DO have some of that - everyone does - look for it, and when you find it, try to build on it, try to explore it, try to keep it, write it down, try to figure out how to feel that authentic good feelings again, and over time you WILL grow and cultivate that into real happiness! It is the power of the consistency of our attention. 

 

I highly endorse the do-nothing meditation, active mindfulness, contemplation work, and walking meditation. These are what I used to rebuild EVERYTHING in my life - do-nothing and walking to open up my thoughts and let the bad of them slowly turn into good. Active mindfulness to practice being in mindfulness as much as I am able, and contemplation work to build my ability to focus on a task, to search for truth, to search for meaning. 

 

Active mindfulness - to be aware in any action, to return to this practice whenever you remember to, and to be in this practice whenever you remember to. It doesn't switch off or end - it isn't sitting down for thirty minutes. It's simply - oh, let me be aware - and then to be aware - and eventually you lapse out of that awareness - and inevitably you return. And over time, you return more often, and find new levels of awareness. 

Do nothing meditation - it is to sit (or lay or stand) and do nothing. To be still in body, and unengaged with your environment altogether. Let your mind flow, focus on your thoughts and observe them as you allow them to have freedom. If you feel a need to control your thoughts, do so, but observe yourself doing so. This helps you to have patience, self-control, and slowly builds your thoughts - for your mind is seeking to resolve chaos into sense. Let your mind try to do that as long as you can bear, and eventually with this practice you will find the mind finds good after awhile - and that good retains more than the bad does, once you start to find it. 

Walking - for me, this is to explore happiness in nature, for nature is very rewarding for me. I walk around the block where there are trees and flowers and birds and occasionally others walking, and I observe it all, and my mind - I'm always in a good mood on a walk. This is why I did it. 

Contemplation - what I mean by this, is to sit and think about something, to ask yourself a question over and over, to explore the answers and return to the question when you can. To write down the answers, and learn about it, I do this when I don't understand something and want to better understand it. It helps to focus, it helps to open my mind to alternatives, it helps to learn, it helps me to have patience, and dedication too. 

[Nobody 191]

Regarding you not feeling like you belong- don't be silly, of course you do! What do you have? Where are you? Who are you with? You have a life, that lasts 24/7, and ALL of that is something you belong to, for better or for worse. Ground yourself on reality, and then let how you FEEL about that reality guide you. Does something let you down? Look to replace it. Does something uplift you or make you smile, feel good? Let that thing impact your life more than it already does. Look for the good, recognize that because it is there for you, you deserve it, you belong with it. Let the bad, disipate into nothing. Replace the bad with more and/or new good!  

[Sashaj]

All of you in this state refusing to try medication are making a big mistake. You are useless as a person in the state you are in. You need to sort out your mind to be useful. It is very hard to see through what you are suffering from. Medication can be used as a temporary crutch to reduce useless thoughts and inhibitory neurosis and allow you to get mind working enough to pull yourself out of the madness. Try it?