Abnormal meditation incident

[Igor82]

Here are my notes copy-pasted right from my commonplacebook:

 

• 2018-07-22
• I just experienced the craziest profound thing. I took a fourth of a tab of AL-LAD (37.5ug) before the meditation session, and so I went to do SDS. Now as im writing this, after the incident, im experiencing shaky hands, a bit of fear in my belly (I really dont know from what), but no noticable effects from the AL-LAD.
• I was sitting, in my regular strong determination sit, enduring the pain (30 minutes in), a few minutes prior of the pain, I conceputally realised that I am everything that I see, feel, hear, and such, that I was it, but it was constructed in such a way to show that I was outside of it. This was conceptual, not experiental, the only thing that I "saw" was like a shape of a face, pulsing as i tensed my eyes, the only thing I felt was that my leg was numb.
• Suddenly I saw some  of the classic CEV patterns of the al-lad take form, and just after that, my heart started bulting (went from 40 to 140), I got a little bit of fear (that precice ammount of fear lasted trough the whole incident), but my heart started bulting faster and faster, and I automatically started breathing faster and faster! I did everything I could to surrender (I though this was enlightenment), I could say I did well, like surrendering to a cold shower, or to the pain, it was nothing special, I didnt feel like I was "dying", no huge terror so to speak. I also was capable to form thoughts, such as me running away from his experience (moving around, standing up or such), but I just totally surrendered.
• This went on for a while, I kept breathing, I was in a uncertain state, it didnt change though, it stayed the same, and I certainly didnt feel like I was dissolving or something, I was in this unshifting state for a while longer, but then a little shift happend, and I stopped breathing (Like total letting-go), although my heartrate stayed the same, and I observed my CEV, and the whole visual filed was yellowish felt total, (but small), and very close, like as I would be absobed into it trough a quantum leap in any moment. This feeling lasted for a couple of seconds, but then it felt normal, I could think up a picture of "myself" sitting in a room, so I didnt have an ego death really. My heart just began racing and my breath aswell.
• As soon as I stopped breathing, my heartrate calmed down aswell, and so I went to write this down.
  • I feel like I could surrender into a 5-MEO trip, or a DMT trip, or AL-Lad, or anything ego-death like. This experience was not very hard and difficult to surrender into, and I have confidence that I would do it with a substance.
  • The fear that I had writing this didnt come from anything, it didnt come from something I was afraid of, I really totally surrenderad all my fears in that moment! (The only fear that appeared was fear of losing sanity and control) I didnt see a scary monster, so I really didnt know where it came from.
  • If this is what 5-MEO is like, then I have more confidence that I can hande it.
• What was this experience!?

[Nahm]

Excellent attitude with the fear & the onset / come up of the trip. You are absolutely correct that there is nothing to fear. There is a threshold that a psychedelic ‘pushes’ you through - out of egotown / whoville and into nondualtown / Youville. Sounds like you experienced the threshold but didn’t break through. It could be too low of an amount. It could also be that you need to get some more theory and or practice under your belt. I would also consider this....

15 minutes ago, Igor82 said:

, I conceputally realised

Consdider making a strict distinction between those two. Conceptual being nothing more than thinking, and reserve “realized” for beyond what can be thought’ - for when your very reality has changed (real-ized), which you might say later becomes Real - I - zed. 

[Igor82]

@Nahm Well, I guess it was just another idea in my head then... but it made sense!! It fit so perfectly in with everything Leo has said about enlightenment and all that mumbo. The highest thing that conceptual thinking has brought me to was being, as I came to the thought that concepts can never be the infinity, so whats better than thinking is just sitting and being.

[cirkussmile]

13 hours ago, Igor82 said:

@Nahm Well, I guess it was just another idea in my head then... but it made sense!! It fit so perfectly in with everything Leo has said about enlightenment and all that mumbo. The highest thing that conceptual thinking has brought me to was being, as I came to the thought that concepts can never be the infinity, so whats better than thinking is just sitting and being.

Yes. 

But eventually you have to move and eventually this being follows wherever you go or do.