I can't stare at people in the eyes

[kingroboto]

does anyone else have this? I've had it from my earliest memories along with my general fear towards people by default. When I look at people I get lost and paralyzed and basically cannot think or function as a rational human being. It's like they can see all of my flaws, all of my secrets, my darkest thoughts and desires. The prettier the girl or the more important the person the worse the effect gets. This little thing has crippled my life for too long. I want to conquer it but I don't know how to go about it in a sustainable way that would not creep people out or get me arrested. Any tips or suggestions? What sort of class I can sign up would be optimal for this kind of issue?

[Brittany]

3 minutes ago, kingroboto said:

 The prettier the girl or the more important the person the worse the effect gets.

This is where the fear is coming from.

No one is more or less important than you. 

[kingroboto]

I understand all that at a logical level but when I'm in a social situation my nervous brain just takes over and I can't think those logical thoughts to calm myself down. 

[aurum]

@kingroboto

There's lots of things you can do, but the simple one is just to decide that you're going to look people in the eyes as much as possible. Practice on random strangers walking down the street, as strange as it might sound.

The more you do it, the more you'll see it's not a big deal.

[7thLetter]

@kingroboto

 

[XYZ]

@kingroboto

I can't stare at people in the eyes

Yes you can! If you really wanted to, you could power through whatever anxiety you have and just force yourself to do it! If I gave you $100 to look deep into the eyes on an angry looking big macho man, or exotically beautiful woman, you'd probably overcome your fears and just do it!

My two points are that letting people see into your eyes is nothing to be afraid of. At the same time though, it's really pointless to just lock eyes with people for no reason, it can be distracting or agitating when people stare at you, and just as you shouldn't fear making eye contact with people, you shouldn't fear choosing not to if you really don't want to.

does anyone else have this? I've had it from my earliest memories along with my general fear towards people by default. When I look at people I get lost and paralyzed and basically cannot think or function as a rational human being. It's like they can see all of my flaws, all of my secrets, my darkest thoughts and desires.

As a young child I learned to shy away from making eye contact, because I got exactly that sense, that people could "read me" know what I was feeling or thinking about, even before I was consciously aware of it myself. This scared me, and I trained myself to repress emotions by poker-facing constantly whenever in the presence of others, this would happen automatically: I have a vivid memory of strolling through a park in spring 2005, lost in my thoughts and smiling. Suddenly noticed a woman making eye contact with me and smiling, then my face fell flat, I felt very sub conscious and began to "walk manually" and stumble awkwardly away.

Looking back though, I knew exactly what I was doing, far more than I realized at the time. I was refusing to be emotionally impulsive, not making myself vulnerable to emotional input and feedback from others. I saw the way other people's eyes and faces seemed to react instinctively to other people, and felt that this is not what I wanted to be. I wanted emotional privacy for myself, but they only way I know how to do that was repress my own emotions. This caused immense psychological trauma that remained until my late 20s, I was able to work through it and cut out all the emotional baggage only by essentially going through a second childhood phase, discarding everything from my past and rebuilding my reality from the ground up. Also, deep tissue release, breathing exercises and mantra/sound mediation have been instrumental in breaking free of emotional tension.

What happened though is I've gone to the other extreme- delved so deeply into emotional self-mastery that I've essentially commandeered my own emotional feedback loops into an enclosed ecosystem. I can just feel as happy as I want whenever I want, but at the same time, completely detached from empathy, since I live in my own emotional bubble. I used to think I could help depressed people by detailing this process I've went through, but beyond the challenge of trying to accurately convey the experiences so that others may understand and embody them, less introverted people could easily use them to become narcissistic sociopaths that inflict real harm on people, rather than just use them for personal development.

Integrating back with your original topic, the big picture is not being reactive, staying grounded, not carrying emotional baggage. When you live your life so free and lightly, don't take yourself so seriously, realize that there is no self, you are not your thoughts and feelings, and on and on... there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of when eye contact occurs.

The prettier the girl or the more important the person the worse the effect gets. This little thing has crippled my life for too long.

This is indicative of low self-esteem. You instinctively assume that if a woman looks at you it must be in a condescending, dismissive manner. I advise you to work on your self esteem, sense of independent self-worth, so you are not seeking approval and validation from women, you have no emotional investment on whether women in general, or any particular woman finds you attractive or not.

Be forewarned though that once you do have solid self-esteem, self-consideration, or self-love, the opposite challenge occurs. You find it easy and effortless, even fun and enjoyable to look at women, but making eye contact with men feels incredibly distracting and puts your body into flight-or-flight mode. I think this is because you naturally become more masculine, no longer at all submissive. Whereas when you were a shy boy and a man smiled and nodded at you you might have automatically complied in submission or benevolence, when you are a confident man and you see an unfamiliar male face staring at you, your testosterone surges and your body reacts as if you're about to fight to the death. The trick is to not react to it, breathe deeply, and dismiss the sensations, NOT repressing them, just breathing deeply, staying present and letting them pass.

In the past you might have felt that breaking eye contact or looking away first is shy and submissive, makes you look like a pussy. But once you realize that your own internal reality is all that matters, you literally don't care, since you are only concerned with the sensations you feel, not what you think it means socially. If men are mad-dogging me I ignore it, tune it out, don't even engage at all, totally unreactive. It can be a very pleasurable experience if I meet eyes with a pretty woman, she smiles at me and I'm in a perfectly relaxed state to reciprocate- in fact, what I described here is one of the only times I'll engage in affective empathy with people in passing. But it's still distracting, and I'll totally ignore beautiful women if not tripping over obstacles or bumping into other people takes precedence.

I wat to conquer it but I don't know how to go about it in a sustainable way that would not creep people out or get me arrested. Any tips or suggestions? What sort of class I can sign up would be optimal for this kind of issue?

Just let go, just be. I don't advise going out and staring at people, and staring at a video, or your own eyes in the mirror I don't think would help much. Remember that it's not a matter of making facial expressions at people, but coming from a place of emotional stability, fearlessness, non-neediness. If anything, next time you happen to look at a pretty woman, feel like "I am perfectly happy and content, I enjoy looking at you and that is perfectly okay." Be careful to state your affirmations only in the positive, not in terms of "I AT NOT ," since that would create cognitive dissonance, or resentment, which would show up on your face.

Bottom line is it takes genuine presence, and experience to get to the point where you can calmly look a woman in the eyes and share a warm smile together. Don't be afraid to accidentally be creepy, and then learn from your mistakes, your will probably end up staring too long, looking too serious, or breaking eye contact before you want to. I know there are rare instances of this reported in the media, but we really don't live in such a feminazi gynocracy that women will call the police if you looked at them too long. According to some PUAs, if you're talking to a woman and reach a lull, and you maintain direct eye contact in an intense, yet blissfully zen state, it creates powerful sexual tension like nothing else. That's the extent of it for me though, I don't actually try and pick them up, that experience of deep connection is enough for me.

I'll leave you with this. Think back to times when you were inadvertently checking out a woman, she noticed you, and then you got very shy and immediately looked away. Imagine if, instead, you met her gaze, and amused grin came over your face, and then you shared an intimate moment together, smiling sweetly into each others' eyes, not trying to hide anything. Cause she knows exactly what you doing, might as well own it and be genuine, unapologetic, natural, human.

[RendHeaven]

On 7/22/2018 at 5:01 AM, 7thLetter said:

@kingroboto

 

wew that was fun  

[emow]

I remember this.

I used to have the same problem, but as I was looking my friend directly in his eyes, something clicked.

From that moment on, I had no problems using my eyes to get my messages across. 

good luck 

[emow]

Quote

The prettier the girl or the more important the person the worse the effect gets. This little thing has crippled my life for too long.

the bigger the label, the smaller the confidence 

 

same pattern 

[PsiloPutty]

@XYZ  Post-of-the-week Award   ?   

    And.....gynocracy.   ?

[ChimpBrain]

Surely you have a family member or female friend you can simply practice this with? Sit across from them and look into each other's eyes for like 10 seconds, or 5 if 10 is too much, then increase the time as you go. This is called gradual exposure therapy. 

[sgn]

Shame and low self-esteem that stems from childhood?