How can I fully integrate the conflicts with the feminine?

[billiesimon]

This is a very personal and suffering topic for me.

But I want to share it because I want to heal myself and the new girls who will be around me.

I have grown up with a lot of conflict with the female sex around middle and high school (I'm in late 20s now), also experiencing a harsh divorce of my family at 14. My mother is very dear to me but I also have emotional issues with her, and I've grown up both loving her and feeling distant from her. She always reciprocated my affection and she always cared for me, but I've always felt this conflict with her, like: she cares for me but she also is emotionally detached.

I think this fully explains my relationships with girls.
I only choose girls who are nice girls, affectionate, caring, who help me to cook and prepare nice gifts for me etc, both my long term exes were like this. Very nice girls, empathetic, hugs, affection etc, and I completely avoid superficial girls. But my relationships with them were both loving and in fear of detachment. My first was very deep and affectionate but I also tended to accuse her A LOT of not caring for me and just using me for "emotional tampon", or just for filling up time. Which i guess was not true. She broke up with me very frustrated and depressed saying that I don't love her and that I continuously try to break up with her. Which was somehow true: I tried a lot of times to suggest to break up because I was in fear of being used as a "mannequin boyfriend" or a "routine boyfriend".

My second gf was a better experience, I was more conscious and mature, and there was a lot of affection and deep topics too. She told me a lot of times that she really really wanted to spend a lot of time with me, which was very pleasant to my ear, and I always reciprocated with love.
But after a while I started to accuse her too of being distant and detached. She explained a lot of times to me that I'm just fuckin' paranoid and negative, and that she had the proof that she loved me. I kept on telling her a lot of times that she is just putting up a front just to keep me calm and to keep me as her boyfriend.
After a while she told me that she really really loves me and wants to become a public couple (we were not public with friends yet), and I completely refused because this meant to me to officially become the "trophy boyfriend" to show around like an object that you don't love but just use. 
So I completely refused and said "no, we have to remain secret". She started to resent me over the months and after a year she broke up with me in a completely peaceful but depressed and sad moment. She told me she loved me and cared for me and that I threw away everything so she adapted to it. And adapting to it meant to break up. 

We are still friends but she is now in a relationship publicly, with a guy who's not paranoid. She still appreciates me a lot and invites me to parties.

 

 

The last thing: my relationship with female dating is VERY VERY troubled, even though I'm liberal minded and I LIKE female freedom to date.

I tend to see girls dating as a form of "I date you and when you start to get feelings for me I'm going to date another one and fuck you over".
Everytime I start to date a girl (the first phases) she tends to hint that she is also seeing other guys in the spare time. My exes did it too. And after a while they took a deep interest in me and dropped all the others.

But this fact of telling me that they are seeing others, which comes from the fact that I'm very accepting of female sexuality and very liberal, seems to me like a form of "testing" from the universe, which seems to want to rub on my face that it scares the hell out of me of being "just one of their choices".

I also tend to be very emotionally cautious with new girls, and put myself in the mental role of the potentially exploited, and her in the exploiter. Even though in reality it never happened, because I tend to connect only with nice and warm girls.

 

What do you think is the root problem? How can i fix myself?

[billiesimon]

@Emerald If you want to pick on my paranoia...  I remember that you are very evolved in this topic.

[Emerald]

@billiesimon There is a lot of projection going on with your relationships. And this problem probably can't be properly addressed on the level of relationships with women. That's ultimately just a symptom of a deeper cause. 

It probably does have something to do with your relationship to your mom. But that may just be one of many catalysts. But you'll probably find that the issue originates with your relationship to your Anima, which is much closer to you than any Earthly woman. 

Basically, the Anima is a Jungian archetype, that is the part of every man that is a woman. Likewise, the Animus is the part of every woman that is a man. So, there is a quite literally an aspect of yourself that is feminine. And that aspect, when dis-integrated and unconscious is like a fragmented aspect of yourself that has its own needs and desires. 

So, the problem that I see many men having issues with is disconnection from the Anima, which creates a disconnection with other people and insulates them from wisdom. It is only when the Anima is integrated that a person can have access to wisdom. 

But when a man has a dis-integrated Anima, the Anima will actively try to become reintegrated. And it does this, by projecting its image onto women as individuals and women as a whole group. So, it is very common for men who have a disintegrated Anima to project both the ideal feminine image onto all women as well as the shadow feminine.

The result of this is to see women as being an incredibly powerful force that are bent on either confirming or denying your validity as a human being. Now, this is not true. Women aren't thinking about this. It's just a projection of the spurned Anima. 

The spurned Anima likes to torment, because it's been rejected by you. So, it wants to make you feel rejected by it. So, it sets up that dichotomy where women are conveyors of your worth as a human being if they accept you but are deniers of your worth as a human being if they reject you. 

So, the solution is actually to integrate the Anima.

This may be difficult. Society tends to punish men for expressing anything non-masculine. This is why so many men have the issue of dis-integrated Anima and Anima possession. So, you want to start looking toward any knee-jerk reactions against things in the feminine principle, and working on letting go of those resistances.

I'll leave a few videos here that may help. But if you're only going to watch one of them, watch the one on the Anima and Animus.

 

[billiesimon]

45 minutes ago, Emerald said:

@billiesimon There is a lot of projection going on with your relationships. And this problem probably can't be properly addressed on the level of relationships with women. That's ultimately just a symptom of a deeper cause. 

It probably does have something to do with your relationship to your mom. But that may just be one of many catalysts. But you'll probably find that the issue originates with your relationship to your Anima, which is much closer to you than any Earthly woman. 

Basically, the Anima is a Jungian archetype, that is the part of every man that is a woman. Likewise, the Animus is the part of every woman that is a man. So, there is a quite literally an aspect of yourself that is feminine. And that aspect, when dis-integrated and unconscious is like a fragmented aspect of yourself that has its own needs and desires. 

So, the problem that I see many men having issues with is disconnection from the Anima, which creates a disconnection with other people and insulates them from wisdom. It is only when the Anima is integrated that a person can have access to wisdom. 

But when a man has a dis-integrated Anima, the Anima will actively try to become reintegrated. And it does this, by projecting its image onto women as individuals and women as a whole group. So, it is very common for men who have a disintegrated Anima to project both the ideal feminine image onto all women as well as the shadow feminine.

The result of this is to see women as being an incredibly powerful force that are bent on either confirming or denying your validity as a human being. Now, this is not true. Women aren't thinking about this. It's just a projection of the spurned Anima. 

The spurned Anima likes to torment, because it's been rejected by you. So, it wants to make you feel rejected by it. So, it sets up that dichotomy where women are conveyors of your worth as a human being if they accept you but are deniers of your worth as a human being if they reject you. 

So, the solution is actually to integrate the Anima.

This may be difficult. Society tends to punish men for expressing anything non-masculine. This is why so many men have the issue of dis-integrated Anima and Anima possession. So, you want to start looking toward any knee-jerk reactions against things in the feminine principle, and working on letting go of those resistances.

I'll leave a few videos here that may help. But if you're only going to watch one of them, watch the one on the Anima and Animus.

 

Hey  thanks a lot! I've written the post because I've recently seen your first video here. From another topic. Later I'm gonna watch the other two, and leave another reply. I want to thank you so much because I really want to stop this torment and live happily with the girls I will like in the future.

 

But why does it seem to me that I'm already fully masculine and feminine? I've always been an emotional and empathetic boy, and so I am now. I also have no problem sharing emotions with people and weaknesses. I'm pretty receptive too.

I don't undestand which part of the female anima is broken inside me. I don't have a macho attitude. I like reason and strategy a lot, but also deeply care about people in my life and like talking about emotions. So I don't get where is my disconnected female part...

I'll leave a response to the videos here soon  thanks again

[Emerald]

11 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

Hey  thanks a lot! I've written the post because I've recently seen your first video here. From another topic. Later I'm gonna watch the other two, and leave another reply. I want to thank you so much because I really want to stop this torment and live happily with the girls I will like in the future.

But why does it seem to me that I'm already fully masculine and feminine? I've always been an emotional and empathetic boy, and so I am now. I also have no problem sharing emotions with people and weaknesses. I'm pretty receptive too.

I don't undestand which part of the female anima is broken inside me. I don't have a macho attitude. I like reason and strategy a lot, but also deeply care about people in my life and like talking about emotions. So I don't get where is my disconnected female part...

I'll leave a response to the videos here soon  thanks again

It's difficult to have a fully integrated masculine and feminine side because of society's level of awareness relative to these topics. I've been working at it for a decade, and I still have a ways to go. So, it can be easy to deceive one's self into thinking that there is no issue of Anima dis-integration, in general. It takes a considerable amount of time to be able to recognize and remove barriers to integration that most people see as neutral. It takes a while to develop discernment with regard to the internal landscape. 

Also, I've noticed that you're quite attached to the idea of being a good person. Every conversation that we've had has included a lot of worries about being seen in a negative light. So, it can be especially difficult for someone who identifies so strongly with goodness to actually see things about themselves that might contradict that image. And this causes blindspots in awareness, when there are things that you just don't want to see about yourself.

Perhaps, underneath the desire to see yourself as a good person and be seen by others as a good person, is a subtle belief. Something like, bad people are worthless or bad people don't deserve love. Some idea that makes you react against it and cling to a "good person" self image. 

So, I would actually work on detaching your self image from identification with "goodness" first. This will enable you to see more of your internal world.

Right now, there is probably a smaller space that your consciousness is occupying within the internal world. The problem with ego and identification is that we learn to keep our consciousness concentrated in one specific area of the internal world. So, we don't see what's going on in the other parts. But the internal world is just as big and diverse as the external world. It's infinite. 

I hate to bombard you with videos, but I have a few more that are very relevant to this conversation. And again, I've posted them in order of relevance.

 

[aurum]

@billiesimon

Definitely sounds like mom-stuff.

19 hours ago, billiesimon said:

which seems to want to rub on my face that it scares the hell out of me of being "just one of their choices".

Why does it scare you? This is the question I'd focus on.

Let's say everything you said is true. When it comes to these girls, you're just one of their choices. They're using and exploiting you.

What then? What does that mean?

Notice also that your mind will want to avoid doing this.

[billiesimon]

1 hour ago, aurum said:

@billiesimon

Definitely sounds like mom-stuff.

Why does it scare you? This is the question I'd focus on.

Let's say everything you said is true. When it comes to these girls, you're just one of their choices. They're using and exploiting you.

What then? What does that mean?

Notice also that your mind will want to avoid doing this.

It scares me because it would mean a lot of ugly conclusions, if it were true.

It would mean that I can't find someone who appreciates me for my being, and not for my doing.

It would mean that human connection in relationship makes no sense and it's all cold and heartless.

It would mean that I'm an object to them, which would trigger a revengeful behaviour in me, to treat them as objects. This kind of reality is so cold and robotic that it scares me.

 

So what do you suggest?
P.S. do you believe that we are just empty choices in the dating world?

Edited July 21, 2018 by billiesimon

[aurum]

55 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

It scares me because it would mean a lot of ugly conclusions, if it were true.

It would mean that I can't find someone who appreciates me for my being, and not for my doing.

It would mean that human connection in relationship makes no sense and it's all cold and heartless.

It would mean that I'm an object to them, which would trigger a revengeful behaviour in me, to treat them as objects. This kind of reality is so cold and robotic that it scares me,

Good, I'd sit with that in meditation and see what comes up.

56 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

P.S. do you believe that we are just empty choices in the dating world?

This is a complicated question with a lot of subtleties and nuances. But I'll do my best to sum up my views.

Yes, I absolutely think women choose men based on certain qualities that they want. They're not going to treat Dan Bilzerian the same way they're going to treat the nerdy accountant from Iowa. To think anything else is completely delusional and is going to result in passive pain.

This is where the whole "just be authentic" belief is tremendously misleading.

If you look closely at your desire to get your needs met by just "being yourself", you'll notice that it's selfish. You want something from here (love, sex, affection), you don't thing she has needs as well? There's two people in this equation.

The really hard thing to stomach is that maybe you aren't right now what she wants. Maybe what she wants is Joe the football captain or Blake the musician with tattoo sleeves.

But you know what? I'm completely okay with this.

If I'm in a relationship, I don't expect her to still want to be with me if I stop doing the things that made her like me in the first place. That would be like expecting your business partner to keep doing business with you after you completely changed the terms on the contract. It's absurd that we would think anything else.

The real crime is that you were told that relationships are here to fill some sort of void, and that your partner is supposed to be your savior. As a man you want to be your own source of unconditional love. Not seeking it in a woman.

I also know that as much as women have their dating preferences, I ALSO have many dating preferences. So it would be hypocritical for me to judge her for doing the same thing.

Now let's get even more nuanced.

You might say that this view of reality is cold or bleak. But it's actually not, I find it pretty perfect.

If a woman has a dating preference and you don't meet those standards, it says nothing about how loveable you are or what your worth is. It just means that she has a preference.

It be like if you went to the eye doctor, but instead of a doctor an electrician walked through the door and said he was going to take over for the eye doctor. In that moment, you wouldn't hate the electrician or think he doesn't deserve love. It's just not what you're looking for at the moment.

Dating is the same way. You have to actually BE what the girl is looking for.

[billiesimon]

@Emerald Ok, I've seen all the three main videos  

Now I have a better understanding of these polarities and how them both work inside of me.

Now I think I need to do some "shadow work" about my Anima, I guess.

What do you suggest are the issues with my feminine spirit? 
I don't know where to start to find them out and resolving them.

Do you also have suggestions on how to discover myself the issues of my Anima's resentment?

The only thing I know is that, while I tend to see men and women as neutral and as random people, I tend to see the girls I like as shady and affectionate at the same time, cold and warm, depending on the moment, and also very very fickle in a first dating scenario.
Also a big problem I have is that I have this subtle and almost unconscious fear of being coldly used and replaced in the appropriate time. Almost like these girls were machiavellian strategists who just show emotions as a tool for getting results.

And I have a very huge problem with women's emotional validation. I project this fear on the girls I like and see them as egotistical self absorbed creatures who crave validation from men and then ignore them after being validated. It's not slut shaming by the way, since I have no problem with female sexuality, but I DO have problems with female "fickle" emotions and affections.

P.S. as you stated in the videos and in the forum, I also have that strong sexual obsession you describe with anima. When I date a girl I tend to obsess in my mind with the sexual experience with her and this always led them to say that I'm always horny (not in a negative way, but they all noticed that). I don't know if this is just sex drive or anima possession, but I remember that you hinted to that in the forum.

Edited July 21, 2018 by billiesimon

[billiesimon]

33 minutes ago, aurum said:

Good, I'd sit with that in meditation and see what comes up.

This is a complicated question with a lot of subtleties and nuances. But I'll do my best to sum up my views.

Yes, I absolutely think women choose men based on certain qualities that they want. They're not going to treat Dan Bilzerian the same way they're going to treat the nerdy accountant from Iowa. To think anything else is completely delusional and is going to result in passive pain.

This is where the whole "just be authentic" belief is tremendously misleading.

If you look closely at your desire to get your needs met by just "being yourself", you'll notice that it's selfish. You want something from here (love, sex, affection), you don't thing she has needs as well? There's two people in this equation.

The really hard thing to stomach is that maybe you aren't right now what she wants. Maybe what she wants is Joe the football captain or Blake the musician with tattoo sleeves.

But you know what? I'm completely okay with this.

If I'm in a relationship, I don't expect her to still want to be with me if I stop doing the things that made her like me in the first place. That would be like expecting your business partner to keep doing business with you after you completely changed the terms on the contract. It's absurd that we would think anything else.

The real crime is that you were told that relationships are here to fill some sort of void, and that your partner is supposed to be your savior. As a man you want to be your own source of unconditional love. Not seeking it in a woman.

I also know that as much as women have their dating preferences, I ALSO have many dating preferences. So it would be hypocritical for me to judge her for doing the same thing.

Now let's get even more nuanced.

You might say that this view of reality is cold or bleak. But it's actually not, I find it pretty perfect.

If a woman has a dating preference and you don't meet those standards, it says nothing about how loveable you are or what your worth is. It just means that she has a preference.

It be like if you went to the eye doctor, but instead of a doctor an electrician walked through the door and said he was going to take over for the eye doctor. In that moment, you wouldn't hate the electrician or think he doesn't deserve love. It's just not what you're looking for at the moment.

Dating is the same way. You have to actually BE what the girl is looking for.

Well, that makes perfect sense. I can live with that. It's true that everyone of us is looking for people we actually like and not some poor version of that. I completely agree.

The component of that which scares me is:
do they CARE about your authentic self, about your being, if you are compatibile with their wants, or are they just using you because you fit their standards?

This is exactly the part that worries me unconsciously.
I personally care about the girl if I like her. That's also why I feel damaged by the chance that she's using me.

[billiesimon]

@Emerald sorry, I forgot the question about the goodness.

Yes, I have discovered this year, with self help work and with inquiry, that I identify a lot with the stereotype of the young non-actualized hero. The classic Peter Parker/Luke Skywalker cliche of the young inexpressed hero who's good to everybody and somehow a victim of his sorroundings and has not answered his call yet.

I've recently noticed that I also have some fear of permanent success because that requires to move beyond the inexperienced hero stereotype.

Yes, being called "evil" or "miserable" or "despicable" etc triggers me a lot, because I've always strived to be good and respectful to everybody and to help others too. I think this "image" also made me the very caring person that my friends know me for.

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, billiesimon said:

@Emerald What do you suggest are the issues with my feminine spirit? I don't know where to start to find them out and resolving them. Do you also have suggestions on how to discover myself the issues of my Anima's resentment?

The first thing to do is to let go of your identification as a good person. This identification will hide many things away from yourself that you don't want to see. The internal landscape is vast and complex. It isn't all just sunshine and rainbows in there. If you look with brutal honesty, you will find a wide range of things that you'd never associate with yourself. You can even find sadistic and violent parts of yourself that you didn't know were there. The internal landscape is "well-peopled", so to speak.

When I had my second experience of ego transcendence, I zoomed out from my ego identifications and noticed that I had two warring drives. I had my compassionate drive and I had my "evil" drive. And they were clashing against one another. And that evil drive was sadistic and violent and produced images in my mind of me delightedly shoving my thumbs into someone's eyes. Not because I didn't like that person. In fact, it was pretty much my favorite person in the world. It was just because my evil drive enjoyed the suffering that it brought to them in the fantasy.

Now, I was even further identified with goodness at the time than you probably are now. I would get absolutely neurotic about being perceived as good and honest, to the point of obsession. So, had I been identified with my "good" ego, I would have never seen that drive in me. But in seeing it, I was able to transcend both the "good" and the "evil" drive and simply see them as the impersonal fodder of my internal landscape. Neither of them had anything to do with me. I was just the awareness taking them in.

And in my distance from those two drives, I could hear a quieter more subtle voice of Divine Wisdom. And I knew that I already knew everything that I needed to know to live this life. I always had and I always would.  

And I simply wasn't able to perceive of the evil drive or the voice of Divine Wisdom because I was stuck in the pile of "good" thoughts, that really cared about people and assured me of my own goodness.

And this is a problem because when a person is unconscious to the evil drive, it doesn't go away. It sneaks its way in, in subtle ways by disguising itself as goodness. 

So, in order to see your issues with your Anima clearly, you will have to see beyond your identification with goodness first. And what you find might not be pleasant or paint you in a good light. It may be like turning over a rotting log and seeing lost of nastiness that you never knew was there. 

But I would start by looking at your fears of how women will objectify you and what it will mean about your worth. Then (without trying to look away or see yourself as good) consider maybe you are unconsciously objectifying and viewing women's worth the same way.

This can cause the Anima to project the same onto women as a whole group, so that you get a taste of what you may be doing to it.

Remember, the Anima is literal a part of you, and it is literally female. So, if you judge women's worth based on objectified standards, the Anima (as a woman) will feel rejected and objectified and will exact revenge on you. And she will do this by projecting the same objectification/rejection/devaluation pattern onto women, which will make them appear to hold your worth in their hands. And she will make you feel powerless and worthless, because you've made her feel powerless and worthless. 

So, that's what I'd look for first. But you won't be able to see it if you can't question your own goodness. You have to be able to see yourself in unflattering lights. The identification with goodness will cause you to have a blindspot and to protect that blindspot so that you won't be able to see what's behind it. Basically you need to turn over the rotting log. 

[billiesimon]

23 minutes ago, Emerald said:

The first thing to do is to let go of your identification as a good person. This identification will hide many things away from yourself that you don't want to see. The internal landscape is vast and complex. It isn't all just sunshine and rainbows in there. If you look with brutal honesty, you will find a wide range of things that you'd never associate with yourself. You can even find sadistic and violent parts of yourself that you didn't know were there. The internal landscape is "well-peopled", so to speak.

The reply in general is very deep. Thanks! 

About my goodness... i will start with this first! With meditation, inquiry and overall using consciousness.
It will not be easy... I'm very dearly attached to my goodness and it pains me a lot to question it... also because the external reality confirms it, because nobody says I'm a bad person. I think I might be validated externally by this "persona".
Maybe this is also correlated with my view of women as validation junkies.

26 minutes ago, Emerald said:

When I had my second experience of ego transcendence, I zoomed out from my ego identifications and noticed that I had two warring drives. I had my compassionate drive and I had my "evil" drive. And they were clashing against one another. And that evil drive was sadistic and violent and produced images in my mind of me delightedly shoving my thumbs into someone's eyes. Not because I didn't like that person. In fact, it was pretty much my favorite person in the world. It was just because my evil drive enjoyed the suffering that it brought to them in the fantasy.

That's definitely a deja vu on my part....

I've had some few TERRIFYING experiences in times of peace and happines where completely random and monstruous images came up to my mind.

I'm so ashamed of it, because I NEVER called these images up. They just showed up on their own, and I can't really explain them. They are not fetishes nor fantasies, just complete randomness!!
In some occasions where I was happy with my family or with friends.. I had these flashing, in a horror style, images of me cracking my family's heads with an axe (people I love), or me throwing my girlfriend (at the time) down off a bridge and watching her drown in cold running water.
The fact is that they were very HAPPY moments in real life and the images had nothing to do with it. These images had the effect of completely destroying the happiness of the moment and everytime it happened I immediately became sad and terrified of myself, causing me to go home alone to avoid those people. Because I didn't even had the courage to look at them in the eyes...

It was soooo shameful....

34 minutes ago, Emerald said:

But I would start by looking at your fears of how women will objectify you and what it will mean about your worth. Then (without trying to look away or see yourself as good) consider maybe you are unconsciously objectifying and viewing women's worth the same way.

This can cause the Anima to project the same onto women as a whole group, so that you get a taste of what you may be doing to it.

Remember, the Anima is literal a part of you, and it is literally female. So, if you judge women's worth based on objectified standards, the Anima (as a woman) will feel rejected and objectified and will exact revenge on you. And she will do this by projecting the same objectification/rejection/devaluation pattern onto women, which will make them appear to hold your worth in their hands. And she will make you feel powerless and worthless, because you've made her feel powerless and worthless. 

Ok, this is very interesting and I would have never seen it with the goodness veil on.

I will start with the goodness because I literally can't do it now...

The fact is that in real life I have never objectified them. I have a lot of female friends and they seldom come to me to ask advice about sexuality, and a lot of these girls I have helped to overcome their stupid catholic shame for their sexuality. I literally don't see objectification.
There may be! You are probably right! because there is something inside me which is obsessed with this evil female conspiracy.

The fact is that I love talking and sharing sexual and emotional experiences with girls. My female friends consider me the most open minded guy they know. And I know that this is "goodness validation".

I recognize that I deeply enjoy being loved for my openmindedness and for my caring attitude towards female sexuality. This may be somehow the cause of this "validation virus" that I project onto women.

But about the objectification... I'm honest, I really never see them as porn figures or just sexual creatures. I've always cared for their emotions and their emotional well being. 

The problem is that I believe you. I am SURE that there is something I am doing wrong regarding my mindset towards women.
I feel it that something is really bitter towards me inside... and I might have find the cause of the validation obsession...
But I can't find right now the cause of the coldness and detachment that the Anima is playing on me.
It means that I'm being cold, calculating or scheming in regards to women, but I can't see where right now. The external world tells me that I'm not.

Are you sure that the Anima always sends back to you what you are doing wrong to her?
Isn't it just a self esteem issue while I'm already in integrity with women?

[billiesimon]

By the way.. I have a very interesting example from another person. Maybe this explains why it's easier to see it.

A girl that I know and that I helped in the past to become more accepting of people and of herself has this extreme Animus possession. Very hardcore and scary. I left her alone because I was also disgusted by her powerful hate and self hate.

 

This girl judged very harshly every guy she was meeting at college. "this guy is a fucking loser, this one is too skinny, this too nerdy, this one is a pathetic fat loser" etc. And she looks very very confident and very arrogant in public.
When a friend of ours told her to talk to me to find a better understanding of people... She crumbled. 
She told me that she hates herself so much. That she seeks approval in the world by studying science and literature, and by becoming the best intellectual in the world bla bla bla. This seems to me like Animus possession.

In fact she is very very intellectually arrogant. Like a mean professor. And she sees all men as losers or if she likes them she judges them as weak and arrogant. Which is what she is LOL.

Is this the dynamic you describe?

[Emerald]

@billiesimon I think beginning with seeing the label of "good" as fairly arbitrary can be a good start. Ultimately, it is one word and can't really describe a person who is multi-faceted and flawed.

But if you have any of those violent images come up, it can important to understand that they aren't coming from you. Nothing in the internal experience comes from you. There is no actual "you" inside the mind that's producing images and thoughts. They are just spontaneously springing into the internal landscape. They mean as much about you as the tree in your back yard. They are just there. They are happenings. But they aren't happenings that "you" caused. 

So, imagine that there is a thunderstorm that's happening, and it's destroying some things and making some trees fall down. Then, there's some crazy guy who's freaking out because he believes that he's somehow causing the thunderstorm to happen. So, he's panicking because he can't figure out how to stop the thunderstorm. He finds himself completely unable to control it.

Now, we see that this man is crazy to identify himself as the cause of the thunderstorm. We know that he has NOTHING to do with the thunderstorm at all. The thunderstorm is just happening, and he's perceiving it. But he makes the mistake to believe that because he's perceiving it, he's the one that's also causing it.

As crazy as it seems, this is the same mistake that people make about their internal landscape. And they make that mistake because they identify with the happenings in their internal landscape and they make it mean something about themselves.

So, if they perceive a thunderstorm in their external landscape, they don't make it mean anything about themselves. They just try to stay safe from it. But they don't think, "This thunderstorm means that I'm a bad person." They would recognize that as crazy.

But with the internal landscape, when they perceive of destructive drives, thoughts, and urges, they fall into that trap. They think, "These internal phenomena mean that I'm a bad person." And if they can't stop it, they do their best to ignore it and create all kinds of protection mechanisms to divert their attention from what is a threat to their ego.

But I would imagine that you can't necessarily see the depth of the resistance to the feminine. Most of it is probably unconscious because it would threaten your positive perception of yourself. 

So, look first to the most overt judgments you come across that relate back to women. Your judgments will show you what you're also judging in yourself. Then you can begin to deconstruct these beliefs by questioning their truth and validity. A lot of it will come from emptying your cup of falsehoods that you've learned from your family, your culture, and yourself. 

[billiesimon]

11 hours ago, Emerald said:

@billiesimon I think beginning with seeing the label of "good" as fairly arbitrary can be a good start. Ultimately, it is one word and can't really describe a person who is multi-faceted and flawed.

But if you have any of those violent images come up, it can important to understand that they aren't coming from you. Nothing in the internal experience comes from you. There is no actual "you" inside the mind that's producing images and thoughts. They are just spontaneously springing into the internal landscape. They mean as much about you as the tree in your back yard. They are just there. They are happenings. But they aren't happenings that "you" caused. 

So, imagine that there is a thunderstorm that's happening, and it's destroying some things and making some trees fall down. Then, there's some crazy guy who's freaking out because he believes that he's somehow causing the thunderstorm to happen. So, he's panicking because he can't figure out how to stop the thunderstorm. He finds himself completely unable to control it.

Now, we see that this man is crazy to identify himself as the cause of the thunderstorm. We know that he has NOTHING to do with the thunderstorm at all. The thunderstorm is just happening, and he's perceiving it. But he makes the mistake to believe that because he's perceiving it, he's the one that's also causing it.

As crazy as it seems, this is the same mistake that people make about their internal landscape. And they make that mistake because they identify with the happenings in their internal landscape and they make it mean something about themselves.

So, if they perceive a thunderstorm in their external landscape, they don't make it mean anything about themselves. They just try to stay safe from it. But they don't think, "This thunderstorm means that I'm a bad person." They would recognize that as crazy.

But with the internal landscape, when they perceive of destructive drives, thoughts, and urges, they fall into that trap. They think, "These internal phenomena mean that I'm a bad person." And if they can't stop it, they do their best to ignore it and create all kinds of protection mechanisms to divert their attention from what is a threat to their ego.

But I would imagine that you can't necessarily see the depth of the resistance to the feminine. Most of it is probably unconscious because it would threaten your positive perception of yourself. 

So, look first to the most overt judgments you come across that relate back to women. Your judgments will show you what you're also judging in yourself. Then you can begin to deconstruct these beliefs by questioning their truth and validity. A lot of it will come from emptying your cup of falsehoods that you've learned from your family, your culture, and yourself. 

Thanks. I'm working on my identification with goodness first. It's hard but I have to meditate on it more and reach a point of full detachment from judging myself and my moral behaviour.

And about my Anima I'm going to work on it after this. 

I didn't undestand this: do my preconceptions of women create my judgement of myself, or is it the opposite way?

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, billiesimon said:

I didn't undestand this: do my preconceptions of women create my judgement of myself, or is it the opposite way?

My experience is that the external judgment usually comes first, in the form of 'othering'. But external and internal judgments have a way of snowballing, because they both feed into one another.

But I suppose that internal judgment could spring up first too. Sometimes, it is the way we're taught to view ourselves and the world that begets internal judgment which translates into external judgment onto those who deviate from our worldviews.

But regardless of the origin of a judgment, you should be able to become aware of it as its happening and watch it with detachment. This is the most important thing. 

[LiakosN]

Don't forget the age factor as well.. 

[h inandout]

@billiesimon Thanks for sharing your dilemma.  It helped me get out of my own head and look at someone else's story for a minute.  I am not sure what the solution is for you.  For myself, I am finding more and more lately that root causes kind of move around a lot.  But I do find that I can go deeper with a problem if I meditate when it arises, just a tick longer than is comfortable.  A tiny bit every day.

[billiesimon]

On 22/7/2018 at 4:47 PM, Emerald said:

My experience is that the external judgment usually comes first, in the form of 'othering'. But external and internal judgments have a way of snowballing, because they both feed into one another.

But I suppose that internal judgment could spring up first too. Sometimes, it is the way we're taught to view ourselves and the world that begets internal judgment which translates into external judgment onto those who deviate from our worldviews.

But regardless of the origin of a judgment, you should be able to become aware of it as its happening and watch it with detachment. This is the most important thing. 

I'm doing the necessay "homework". I want to fix this as soon as possible.

Thanks for all your support!