Men: How do you expect your girlfriend to dress ?

[Newbie]

My boyfriend is very controlling when it comes to how I dress. Can't wear shorts too short (not even close to showing ass) no cleavage at all. Not allowed to show my back (tank top) or bra straps. So basically just no tank tops even thick ones that don't show cleavage. Cant wear a full lenght summer dress if its too tight. It's always a huge fight. Not allowed to have any padding or push/support in my bras. Basically for the last week in 30 degree weather I've been wearing jeans and long sleeved shirts (can't be too loose that if I bend over anything could be seen, even if I would always keep that from happening.) His argument is that 1) what other reason would I have to show cleavage or shorts than to have other men look at me. 2) how would I feel if he had under wear that made his dick look bigger and wore pants that showed the top of it. Personally I don't have an issue with the cleavage thing. I don't need to have my boobs hanging out to feel sexy and I get that I don't 100% agree but I can handle that. But the shorts as long as they aren't showing my actual butbutt cheeks or do if I bend over I don't see the issue and the no tank top or bra straps is a little too much for me. Honest opinions. I personally feel Its important to feel good. He cares about his looks and looks at himself before he leaves the house etc. And I'm far from an exhibitionist. Like I would personally not wear a shirt showing cleavage and short shorts at the same time. One or the other I'm ok with but I don't like to show too much skin anyway. How can I get him to see it's over the top ? 

[Lynnel]

@Newbie Your boyfriend is way too controlling - break up worthy.

This is a horrible relationship to be in. I mean, if you can't even choose what you wear, what about other life decisions ? Have you thought about this ?

Get professionnal help, study your family system, do some self-actualization, stay away from dating for a while, be very watchful of abuse and once you're strong enough break up and run run and run. And don't feel guilty. Such control is not a form of love.

My opinion may change depending on where you live how controlling your culture is, how old you are, etc. But if you're in your twenties in Europe/US => RUN.

 

Edited July 19, 2018 by Lynnel

[ajasatya]

your boyfriend's got a self-esteem problem.

here's one curious thing about jealousy: he's probably paying attention to every girls' legs and projecting his spiritual poverty onto other men. it's a very common source of suffering.

the human realm of vanity so petty and shallow... i've been there!

HUGE TIP: don't attack or blame him. he's suffering everyday and doesn't know what to do about it. if you want to break up, do it with compassion and respect.

[Solace]

@Newbie

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change 'cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
'Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Love is unconditional. Don't let anyone, even your beloved, tell you how you should look, or take away any part of your individuality  If love is conditional it means that his lower self is attached to the idea of you, he uses you to define his identity as a person. This means if the idea of you doesn't fit within the scope of his belief system, he will react.

In the ideal relationship there should be total love and acceptance of the other person, without being attached to them. To have that kind of relationship you need to first have total love and acceptance for everyone, which will only attract people who love and accept you.

Namaste.

Edited July 19, 2018 by Solace

[Spiral]

If it was socially acceptable, I would go around in underwear. The heat here is worse than in turkey 

 

[SpyAquamarine]

You are free and have the right to whatever you want. Why do you let your boyfriend make such basic decisisons for you? To tell you how to dress??? This is ridiculous, sorry.

The real question you should be asking yourself is: Why do I accept be treated this way? What made me attract, enter and remain in a relationship with such a controlling and entitled person?

Yes, it is clear that your boyfriend has his own issues with low self esteem, insecurity and need to manipulate and control but how about you, my lovely? Why do you feel that you have to please to the point you can't even be yourself anymore?

Sorry if it seems harsh. I have been there too many times, different situations but similar background. Unfortunatley I wasn't even aware there was a problem, didn't know how to ask for help or where to get help from.

Well done for getting here, keep coming back. Keep digging and take care.

P.S _ It is not going to change for the better, it is just gonna get worse... This I can guarantee

Edited July 19, 2018 by SpyAquamarine

[ChimpBrain]

Do you live in Saudi Arabia? That's the most ridiculous BS I've ever heard unless you're like 16 years old, and even then it's pretty bad. How I "expect" my wife to dress depends largely on where she/we are going but basically I want her to feel comfortable, confident, and sexy. I've never needed to set any kind of boundaries on her dress. 

 

With this being said, we are middle aged, have a kid, and live in a smaller town so if she all of a sudden started dressing in some truly risque stuff I might be tempted to ask her to tone it down just so we don't become social outcasts LOL

Edited July 19, 2018 by ChimpBrain

[Newbie]

Thanks for your replies. I really didn't mind the cleavage thing I can see where he was coming from there but it kept getting more strict. I mean obviously there is a line of being respectable to your other partner. I believe so at least. Tonight's fight is about the fact that he has never bought me flowers or been romantic. He says he didn't have the motivation because I didn't reciprocate the little things in the beginning. Plus he has felt in the past with other girls the need to be romantic, but with me he doesn't and the one time I bought lingerie he didn't think I was sexy. Compilation of all of those things got me upset and I cried. And he said I had no right to cry or be upset because it was the truth blah blah blah. So I broke up with him. But he won't leave my apartment. I don't feel the energy to deal with the drama so I'm in another room. Crazy I never thought I would be one of "those girls" but here I am. So thanks for your support it means a lot. I feel really pathetic for being as old as I am coming here with my relationship drama that is so childish and something i thought I was way beyond. Thank you!!!! (Of course this is one sided and he has his side too, I'm far from perfect) 

[wpw]

2 hours ago, Newbie said:

one time I bought lingerie he didn't think I was sexy.

When women do these sorts of things, it's because they want to be appreciated. When the guy doesn't tell her it's like a fatal error, you have a right to be upset.  

If he won't leave your apartment after you have dumped him sounds like he's acting weak and needy.  Ramp up the disrespect and see how he handles it, or just ignore him - probably the wiser option. 

Edited July 20, 2018 by wpw

[Prabhaker]

16 hours ago, Newbie said:

How do you expect your girlfriend to dress ?

I live in a country(India) where shyness and modesty are considered the highest quality for a woman. I don't find anything abnormal if a woman is fully covered. 

If I have a girl friend in my city and I politely request her wear little bit of revealing clothes in public, I think she will beat the hell out of me !

16 hours ago, Newbie said:

. He cares about his looks and looks at himself before he leaves the house etc.

Men Will Be Men !!!

16 hours ago, Newbie said:

My boyfriend is very controlling when it comes to how I dress.

You are not made for each other!

Edited July 20, 2018 by Prabhaker

[RabbitHole]

I am sorry for adding this, but It's just not worth It so break up was the right option and sure he will beg you to give hime another chance, but don't do It, we are like 7 billion people in the world. There is a saying "Until man heals himself, he will be poision to every woman". He's just insecure kid, leave him and I would even say, don't care how, harsh? Who gave him right to project his personal problems on you? I maybe should not say this, but well, remember that you are female, which means, you can turn situation around every single time. It would make more sense If your boyfriend would be writing that you control him too much, but a girl is being controlled? Learn self-love, no one is worthy to control you and set rules for you. Teaching advising? Yes, but set rules? Never. And that thing about unappreciation, damn, why would you let anyone do that. He has set you as love-value and would just keep doing this. Sending love to you, this time please take It for yourself and turn into self-love!