Return of the undiscovered self

[Destiny]

I'm glad this personal stuff is going to be over soon, or at least a lot of it will be over soon.

I'm glad I'm facing up to my problems even though it's causing me so much pain.

I'm glad the kids will be with me this weekend.

 

==

 

I'm really struggling, heart palpitations going off, I think I'm having anxiety attack or low level anxiety attacks.  Stressed out beyond belief, extreme depression and self loathing.  Hopelessness.  I really can't deal with anything, I keep thinking about the past, regrets, relationships with family and friends or lack thereof, isolation.  Pessimism about the future.  It might not be good for me to keep writing when I'm in a bad mood like this.  Does it reinforce the negative thoughts?

 

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From my mom I got my feelings of abandonment and isolation, my alienation from society, constantly feeling alone without anyone who understands.

 

From my dad I got grandiose feelings of entitlement, also unrealistic standards that were not my own that I could not live up to, and a subsequent feeling of not living up to expectations.

 

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When you succeed professionally it means you succeed in a social environment.  Is it any wonder that I'm struggling to advance in my career if I'm basically a weird alienated loner who has difficulty maintaining relationships.  Who also is going through a harrowing divorce legal battle? 

 

==

 

I have to at least get back to the gym this week and do a little trading, at least try to fight against the waves and waves of hopelessness and despair that have been overwhelming me ever since this latest issue with my ex wife started happening.  I have to at least try to get through it.

 

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If I were another type of guy, I'd go out and drink with my buddies, go out to the bar and hit on women, maybe date women.  I'd probably have an easier time professionally.  Why am I like this?  Everything is so fucking bleak.  No love, noone cares, dismissed and abandoned, noone to talk to.  Nobody cares, absolutely noone.  On top of that, the government and ex wife are out to get me and take all my money.  As if it weren't hard enough.  Things have to change, I can't take this anymore.

Edited March 6, 2019 by Destiny

[Destiny]

If you are even reading this, I have not posted in a while because I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal issues.  Basically I go through periods of being totally shut down by depression and losing momentum in my personal and professional life.  In the past few years I basically become totally shut down as a result of depression over some divorce related issue.  This time was no different, and I don’t even think I’m over it completely.  

 

It’s spring break with the kids, they’ve been staying with me longer with me, so I’ve had to take some wfh days.  J has been sitting on my lap while I work and generally freak out in my mind about all of the divorce BS that’s going on.  I will write about specifics later, still sort of processing everything and trying to work up enough energy to get up and do something about it.  Just trying to stay present for the kids while they’re here, when they have friends over for playdates.  Making them food, playing video games with J.  Going over to their relatives for dinner.  Trying not keep it together.

 

==

 

For fuzz I'm torn between a Spires and a Hoof Reaper. My main genres are shoegaze and indie   so Spires seems more of a natural fit tonally, but Hoof Reaper seems a much more versatile    pedal. Like - with the Hoof Reaper - I could probably get good shoegaze tones since it's basically a Muff and a Tone Bender on steroids anyways - but at the same time I could also     get really heavy and play Doom metal if I wanted to (which I frequently do lately). Does this  sound like a good plan? Or would you go for the Spires?

 

Also my overdrive is the Westwood - I could use it with the Spires I think, but if I got a     Hoof Reaper I would probably have to get a heavier overdrive to put in front of the Hoof Reaper, right?

 

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I’m grateful my daughter is so mature and responsible.

 

I’m grateful I have such a close bond with my son.

 

I’m grateful I’m starting just starting to pull out of a major tailspin and period in my life where I just totally shut down

 

 

[Destiny]

The truth is I’m suicidal, or at least I think about it a lot.  Think about killing myself, that is.  How I’d do it.  What the repercussions would be, what it would mean to me, or rather - to people who know me.  People who love me, and need me.  So I can’t do it.  I know that depression is real, because there are people like me out there in the world who are only alive because of their kids.

 

If I’m going to live I can’t keep going like this.  I have to stop this terrible fall and do something about my life.  If I’m worried about my kids, then be a better person for them.  Make sure you’re doing everything you can to provide for them, make sure you stay alive - they will suffer in the future if you are not there for them.  Financially, emotionally, everything.  You can’t do that to them, despite the despair and the anger at the government and your ex wife and the world, you have to keep going.  There has to be a way through this.

 

If you are unhappy with just existing and just surviving - if that is killing your soul, then you have to pick yourself up and do something about it.  It is possible, other people have survived this and gone on to new and better lives.  Spiritually, financially, everything.  God knows it will be difficult but you know that if you go on like this, just existing, sooner or later you will lose the will to live and you will die.  If you are going to live you have to keep fighting.  The way is not clear to you now but you have to keep fighting.

Edited March 28, 2019 by Destiny

[Zigzag Idiot]

@Destiny Enduring more than one season of being suicidal grew me more in terms of empathy towards others than lsd trips and book reading put together x 10. With most of my episodes, because of the sense of deficienct emptiness, a certain selfishness was naturally built into it. Or rather I had to deal with aspects in myself where the line was blurred between what is selfish and what is not.  I was dealing with severe depression and anxiety. This compounded the stickiness of it, in so far as getting free of it because guilt was constantly returning. I know everyone's situation is different. 

Hope you discover an inroad and strategy that brings you some peace,,,,,,

[Destiny]

Thanks it means a lot that someone can relate.  I know what you mean, I feel like I have a much greater appreciation of peoples pain and struggles.  I write here mainly for myself but it’s nice to know other people are even listening honestly.

 

Because it just seems like such a cold lonely world sometimes.  And love is just a societal construct people take advantage of.  I’ve been struggling for three years now with my divorce and I’ve felt this way for a long time. But no one will listen.  Nobody cares.  My family and friends tell me to just deal with it or man up.  I reach out to people on the internet and nobody cares.  It’s like I’m totally alone.  I don’t know what to do because if I can’t find a way through this I will die.  One day I will lose the strength to live and I will die.

 

I don’t want it to be that way but it’s just so hard.  Remember when you first got your heart broken?  The pain of that.  It’s like I experience that every day.

 

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Is it better to get a Reverb + Delay pedal or individual Reverb and delay pedals?  I’m a newbie but also don’t want to spend a lot of time experimenting w settings.

 

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I’m grateful I took some action on a problem that was really causing me anxiety.

 

I’m grateful to have good relations w B.

 

I’m grateful I solved this problem at work today.