Return of the undiscovered self

[Destiny]

I’m a 47 year old software developer from Chicago.  I’ve been dealing with a high conflict divorce and custody case for the past two years and it’s really taken a huge toll on me.  I have two kids, a boy 7 and a girl 9.  I thought long and hard about suicide and they’re the only things that stopped me.  Now that I’ve decided I can’t leave my children, I have to find a way to fix myself so I can be the best dad possible.  I also have a  semi annoying cat.

 

The divorce went as horribly as it could possibly go.  I spent much of my savings fighting for equal time with my kids, and mostly I lost.  The court took her side and gave her majority of time with the kids, full alimony and child support.  I see my kids a fair bit - I have about 42% custody, but it was a long expensive battle and I still feel I got screwed.  I have a lot of anger at the legal system and I’ve become extremely cynical about relationships and the government.

 

We used to be pretty fairly upper middle class and our lifestyles have taken a big hit during the divorce.  I used to own an expensive home and now I rent a small apartment so I can be close to my kids.  This is due to the financial strain of the divorce - I basically have to support two households on one salary now.  It’s been a huge lifestyle change and I’m still sort of in shock about it.

 

I was always introverted, depressed, and had low self esteem prior to my marriage, but during the 10 years we were married I had something to dedicate myself to and marriage gave me a sense of purpose and identity.  Since the divorce I’ve been lost, massively depressed, borderline suicidal, I had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life.  My self esteem is lower than its ever been.  I feel alone, I don’t have many friends and my family is not supportive.  I don’t have anyone to talk to most of the time.  

 

My life is very sad.  When the kids are with me I can keep it together most of the time, but when I’m alone I’m lost.  I can’t stand to be alone with myself.  I distract myself with working on my side business - which is not going that well, or I play video games.  I used to run marathons and play guitar.  I’ve lost interest in these things because they don’t distract me from my pain and they remind me too much of my former life.

 

My main personal goal is to fix myself so I can be better for my kids.  I want to live a virtuous life, I don’t want to be so alone but I don’t know how to go about making those types of changes.  I don’t want to be so debilitated by despair and sadness that I can barely function or take care of myself.  I don’t want afraid of the future.  I want my kids to see me as a good example.

 

Other than that, my physical health is very bad.  I don’t take care of myself.  Right now I’m taking Celexa and Wellbutrin - if it’s helping at all it’s only enough to allow me to function.  There’s no family history or mental illness that I know of.  I’d like to get back in shape again, I know it can’t be good for my self esteem to be ashamed of how my body looks, I guess I don’t value myself enough to take care of myself physically.

 

I have a masters in computer science.  I have a good job as a senior developer at a software startup.  It actually pays extremely well but most of my pay goes to my ex wife.  I like the company, the work and the people I work with.  But I also know that my severe personal problems the past couple of years have not helped me in my career as I’m not advancing and I’m seeing my peers get promoted.  I spent the last six months preoccupied by the divorce trial and have been neglecting work.  I’d like to get a promotion at work someday if I can get myself together.

 

It’s also a personal goal of mine to grow my side business to where it makes up the money lost in the fig ice and maybe down the line allows me to quit my job and work for myself.  My side business is writing mobile apps and financial software in addition to trading crypto currencies.l.

 

In 1 year I’d like to know that I’m well on the way towards a better life.  In 5 years I’d like to get promoted.  In 10 years I’d like to work for myself full time.

 

I grew up in the Chicago suburbs in the 80s.  I have two brothers, I’m the oldest.  My parents were immigrant doctors, and they put a lot of pressure on me to succeed academically.  I rebelled and fought a lot with my parents growing up.  Our family moved a lot and I had to switch schools multiple times.  It made it hard for me to make and keep friends.  I grew up very sheltered and repressed in a lot of ways.  When I became a teenager I went wild and it caused a lot of friction with my parents.  There’s a lot of pain there.  It’s probably the source of my low self esteem. My parents always made me feel bad that I didn’t want to be a doctor, they compared me to my brothers and at the same time held me to much higher standards.  I wish I had more of a happy healthy upbringing.  But I grew up to be a damaged person in a lot of ways.  I don’t think my ex wife knew how damaged I was when she married to me, and I thought that maybe marriage and fatherhood could fix me somehow.

 

I’d like to talk to someone when I’m struggling to make it through the day.  I’m also aware if I’m going to make a change I need someone to remind me to do the work and provide a program I can use to get better.  I feel like I have so many problems I don’t know where to start - or it could be as simple as working on one thing like my character or self esteem that will help me make sense of everything else in my life.

 

If I could change anything about myself I’d like to have high self esteem and confidence.

 

When I was a baby my parents left me in the Philippines with my grandparents to go to the states and become doctors.  At age 2 I came to join them, but there was a part of me that always felt abandoned by them at an early age.  I don’t share this with anyone, but - my low self esteem is due to feeling alienated from the world.  I’m alienated from the world because I’m so introverted and wrapped up in myself.  I spend a lot of time alone.  And this is what I learned as a child as a coping mechanism.  I would abandon people first because I was so scared of them abandoning me.

[sarapr]

You have my love all the way to your greatness 

[Destiny]

I had a dream that I was writing a book and that it healed me somehow.  I’d like to write in here every day out of habit, just to make myself feel better.  And then maybe years down the line realized that I’m healed and writing was what helped me find a way out.

 

Right now I’d say my problem isn’t that I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time, or that I don’t know what I have to do to fix myself.  Or I don’t know why I’m in this situation, or what my purpose is in life.  I know these things.  I’m just overwhelmed by this feeling of hopelessness and despair.  And I am suffering from really severe depression right now, worse than I’ve ever experienced.  I go through long periods where I’m just going through the motions day to day, doing the bare minimum to survive.  And then I try to work up some energy within myself to make a change - but then I get knocked back down by something that happens, usually something going on with the divorce, and I have to start all over again.

 

My only saving grace is that I’m not much of a drinker, and I haven’t gone off the deep end with destructive habits.  Except maybe video games.  At my age I’ve all of a sudden become obsessed with World of Warcraft and Destiny.  It’s the only thing that has been effective at taking my mind off my problems over the past two years, even more effective than my meds.  I’m also very grateful that I’m somehow still doing well at my job, and that my kids love me and somehow our relationship is even stronger.

 

I watch a lot of self help type YouTube videos.  This one sort of inspired me

 

https://youtu.be/DKcHX_5dxdI

 

You don’t need more than two years to change your life.  That seems doable, it will probably take a lot of work, but I have to try, I have to do something.  I can’t keep living this way.

[Destiny]

Something is changing inside me and I feel grateful for it.  I feel like the overwhelming depression is starting to lift and I’m entering a new period in my life, thank god.  The divorce is over.  I mourned it for a long time and my grief literally nearly killed me.

 

I never want to experience that again, and I don’t think I ever will.  Because I learned a lot of hard truths about - myself, love, the society we live in.  I mourned the loss of idealism for a long time.  I mourned my children’s childhood.  It broke me - and now I’m cynical in a lot of ways.  But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

 

Just lately I started to think - I have to keep going because my kids need me.  But I’m not going to make it unless I open myself to whatever possibilities are out there. Start taking care of myself, making myself healthy again and starting to think about how I can make myself a better person.

 

I have been blessed with this intelligence.  Why would I dishonor this gift by not putting it to good use.  I’m still relatively young, just barely.  I keep thinking how it’s totally possible that you can totally transform your life in two years if you really wanted to, it just takes vision and consistency.  That’s the thing that gives me hope, I just want to see what that will look like two years from now, what life will look like.  And if I can actually pull this off.  If I can, it will be the best thing I’ve ever done.

Edited October 11, 2018 by Destiny

[Destiny]

The last two days have been productive at least.  Some notes:

 

I got a raise and was informed I'm being vetted for a promotion sometime soon (let's see if my company actually comes through on this one).  Very grateful that, despite the debilitating anxiety and depression the past year - I'm able to not only keep it together at work but actually thrive professionally.  One feedback I got pretty consistently was - I should be more confident in my technical abilities and that I'm actually highly respected within the company.  Who knew.  The money will help right now too, lord knows my ex wife and the damn lawyers are bleeding my dry.

 

I get kids an extra day this week.

 

I got inspired and did a full reorganization and cleaning of the house last night.  Took about 6 hrs, it's actually still not done.  Amazing how you can think more clearly once all the clutter in your home is removed.  Plan is to work on this over the weekend and finish it out, including throwing out everyones old clothes and reorganizing cable management with all the computers and electronics.

 

I just got a new digital scale, the old one broke almost a year ago and I never bothered to get a new one.  This is horrible - I'm almost 50 lbs heavier than my marathon weight.  I knew I've been really lazy and that I was overweight, but not this much overweight.  Change has to start today in terms of diet and fitness habits - 50 lbs overweight is way beyond acceptable to me.  

 

I was talking to this friend at work who's a fitness nut and he convinced me - the way to go is to start working out again of course.  But also to go hardcore ketogenic diet again - no carbs and no sugar.  It's going to really suck but you know what else sucks?  50 lbs overweight.  Starting this weekend.  Planning on nothing but protein shakes and salads this weekend, will update next week on how I did.

 

Meditation and journaling is kind of spotty but at least I keep trying, I'll count the last couple weeks a 'win' in this area.

 

Another thing I'm doing - I don't know how wise this decision is but - I've decided to go off my meds. I was on wellbutrin and celexa for a number of years.  During the worst depressive parts of my divorce I think I really needed them to keep going.  But now I feel like they are making me sluggish and apathetic, and they have screwed up my metabolism and have exacerbated my weight gain.  The big problem w going cold turkey off the meds - you get dizzy and nauseous, and you get these brain zaps.  It's scary but I talked to my friend J. who went off his meds over the past year - it's not going to kill you.  Once J. went off his Prozac he lost like 40 lbs in a month and a half.  My weight has only gone up and my exercise habits have only gone down since I started taking meds.

@Destiny

[ajasatya]

@Destiny good call. i'm glad to see you here. keep up the good work!

[Destiny]

@ajasatya  Thank you! 

Rules for developing my social life, become less introverted, and ability to be comfortable around people.  This is necessary because it looks like I'm going into a management position at work and also I'd like to start going out more and meeting new people.

• 1. Always look for opportunities to make jokes.  Of course you should be conscious of the context of the situation you're in.
• 2. You have to make an effort to put yourself in new situations.
• 3. Given #2, if you just pursue to develop your interests like discussing books or songwriting by attending more group meetings, it'll make it easiest to push yourself to get out of the house because you'll also be developing your interests.
• 4. Remember that other people you're interacting with are probably as insecure and self conscious of things that they say or do as you are.
• 5. Remember that if you do or say something awkward or embarrassing, other people most probably will not even notice it because they are too worried about themselves and their own experience (see #4)

----

And below these are special addenda to the above rules for social interaction for the context of business or work networking

• 6. The best thing you can do to improve your proficiency in business networking situations is to be excellent in your own job and cultivate a good reputation that precedes you into these situations.
• 7. The second best thing you can do to improve your proficiency in business networking situations is to treat the other person with the sense of importance that they probably prescribe to themselves in their own heads.  So, the person who is presenting or who you are networking with is always the 'expert' or the 'owner' of a particular subject matter.
• 8. Whenever possible, give credit to team members or people in your peer group for their contributions. 

Edited October 14, 2018 by Destiny

[Destiny]

Some general rules for implementing lifestyle changes:

 

Consistency is more important than intensity.

Balance is more important than intensity.

The plan is to create permanent lifestyle changes - at the very least this is a two year commitment to solidify these changes.

 

[Destiny]

Well it's been about 4-5 days since I wrote, just trying to maintain consistent healthy habits in my life.  I have a habit tracking and todo list system that I've implemented using Trello, Evernote, and Google Tasks.  You don't need to know the details.  There's plenty of other systems out there on the internet that other people are peddling, this is the one that works for me.  Also I keep tweaking the system and I'm not completely satisfied with it yet.

 

My health has been horrible the past few days, I'm off the meds now more than a month and constantly feel slightly nauseous and/or dizzy with some brain flashes.  Not good, but also not life threatening and these symptoms will dissipate.

Anyways - I have to give myself an A- grade for the past 4-5 days in terms of completing tasks on my daily todo lists.  Most of these tasks are important to me and are relevant to my long term life goals such as - lose weight, exercise, be excellent at work, make new friends, and work on my side business.  Below is a ss of a typical day's task list

I'm not perfect, if I could have consistently perfect days for an extended period of time - we're talking maybe a years worth of close to perfect days - that would transform my life.  I'd say I've been at about 80% completion rate the past few days.  The reason I give myself an A- is because some of the tasks I've been completing have been very difficult for me to even start previously - namely, financial related stuff.  Diet and meditation are still kind of spotty, that's why i gave myself an A- also.

Kids over this weekend.  Some things I want to accomplish this weekend - 

• Run the Destiny 2 Haunted Forest activities
• Clean the house, do laundry
• Guitar playing
• Day trading on Sunday
• Take the kids out to the park or their friends
• I have some handyman type stuff around the house I want to do
• Get my son a halloween costume

 

 

Edited October 18, 2018 by Destiny

[Lynnel]

On 19/07/2018 at 0:35 PM, Destiny said:

The divorce went as horribly as it could possibly go.  I spent much of my savings fighting for equal time with my kids, and mostly I lost.  The court took her side and gave her majority of time with the kids, full alimony and child support.  I see my kids a fair bit - I have about 42% custody, but it was a long expensive battle and I still feel I got screwed.  I have a lot of anger at the legal system and I’ve become extremely cynical about relationships and the government.

This often triggers me quite a lot because it's completely unfair. If you ever re-marry use prenuptial agreements, those should be thought at school. Try to find legal solutions to fix this in the long run if you can.

Aside from that, several tips : don't try to start too many things at once ! Focus on the most important stuff. Too many changes no matter how good they seem lead to ego backslash.

Sending you a lot of support mate !

 

[Destiny]

It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote. I’ve mainly been focusing on getting stuff done. I recently joined Discord group that’s really been helping me stay on track in terms of putting in work every day towards my loan long-term goals. For one thing I’ve been exercising for five times a week for the past few weeks, mainly weightlifting hands like cardio. I’ve also been watching my diet and trying to keep it low carb and low sugar. Bless couple days of been hard because of Halloween, But mostly I’ve been getting healthier. You know how when you get done lifting weights even if your workout wasn't that great, you still feel better physically?  Like a slight burn in your muscles and you feel 'looser'?  Hard to describe, but I like this healthy glow, and I can see how people eventually need this to feel like they're feeling 'normal'.

[Destiny]

On 11/2/2018 at 6:11 PM, Lynnel said:

This often triggers me quite a lot because it's completely unfair. If you ever re-marry use prenuptial agreements, those should be thought at school. Try to find legal solutions to fix this in the long run if you can.

 

 

One of the things I've been spending a lot of time on is - I've become involved with a lobbying group that is pushing for a bill that will mandate shared equal parenting time.  Contrast it to what the situation is right now - where the court is under no obligation to err on the side of 50/50 parenting (and look at the results - they most often do not).  I've been doing a lot of volunteering for this group.

 

Prenups are garbage unfortunately - theres a lot of loopholes and they regularly get thrown out.  The only solution is to change the laws or not get married.

[Destiny]

I don’t like to admit this because our society doesn’t like any show of weakness from males especially, but I nearly had a total breakdown.  I mean, I wound up in the hospital for suicidal ideation.  This divorce nearly killed me, it greatly damaged my career and my money situation.  And I don’t like to think of the ways it has put my children at risk.  I never wanted them to grow up like this, yet here we are.

 

My brother has a medical marijuana card now and offered to hook me up.  I thought about it for a long time but decided against it.  There’s not any real reason for me not to smoke again.  But I have 3 years of sobriety at this point.  Even though it doesn’t seem like it helped me that much maybe what I’m not realizing is it kept me out of trouble or kept me alive.  Right now is not a good time because I’m still very much in the process of rebuilding my life and trying to become a better person.  My kids need me.  It’s just not the right time.

 

I’m working hard again at my side business, I’m exercising again, I’m doing things that I enjoy like playing music.  I’m grateful because these seem like signs of recovery.  Right now I need to focus on taking care of myself and supporting myself.  Making good choices.  Trying to make myself healthy again.  

 

It’s just that it’s very difficult for me to keep going right now.  I still get bogged down by depression and apathy, and I still don’t really believe in myself that much.  I have to keep going like this until something changes in me and it becomes easier.

[Destiny]

Well I just called out by the VP at our company meeting today for being the star performer.  Holy crap, feels good to know that I'm on the right track...

[Destiny]

I've been working my ass off, that's the reason I haven't written in a while.  Work is going extremely well, I'm working at least a few hours a day towards my goals for my side business and music.  Working out, my diet has improved, practicing guitar.  Mostly everything has improved.  I realize that spending time on these goals is much more valuable than writing in this journal.  

But sometimes it's helpful to write down some thoughts.  Meditation has made me much more forgiving and understanding towards myself.  I'm able to step back and think about the reasons why certain situations in my life exist, and I've become more accepting of my flaws.  This will be useful because I have big big challenges in the future.  I think it's my nature that I always have such high standards for myself, but as I told my friend the other day - I have to be better than I've ever been.  Ever.  Starting from the inside.  At a time when I feel the weakest and most vulnerable.  

Persistent thoughts that I'm running out of time, sense of time accelerating.  I can see it in how quickly my kids are growing up before my eyes.  Frustrations that things are not changing fast enough, frustrations at myself for wasting so much of my life.  Is there enough time?  Can I do this?  In 2 years?  I don't know, I have to try is all I know.

[Destiny]

Is it true that nobody wants to hear your problems?  I feel like I don't have anybody to talk to, because I've tried confiding all of my problems on people before, and it does no good.  They can't do anything for you - the best is they listen to you with sympathy, the worst is that they lose respect for you and make you feel even worse.  Most people don't deserve to know you that well - unfortunately this even goes for close family.

Really struggling emotionally lately, after several months of very focused and intense work on myself.  It's the holiday season, which has become the worst time of the year for me in terms of depression.  Even when I have my kids with me I feel sad, and I'm forced to put up a front.  Sad about everything that we lost, how our family was broken, how they are forced to grow up now with less.  Guilt that I can't protect them from this, and they're living a childhood I never wanted for them.  Blaming myself for being a bad father.  

My life is so hard right now.  So many problems.

[Destiny]

How to find peace?  even when there is none, we can create it for ourselves.  To move forwards.  Otherwise I might as well die.  It's fruitless to look for help with my deepest problems in other people, at least to look for them to solve these problems for you, when they don't even know you.  When you don't even understand yourself.  If you're tired of being alone you can look at this problem and make consistent efforts towards it, just like you do at other things you want to change about yourself.  The hard truth is that if you give up then it's over, you might as well kill yourself because you will continue to feel unhappy and frustrated and nothing will change.  You will not be a benefit to your kids or anybody, and your life will be a waste.  Another hard truth is that you may not succeed. that's a reality that you have to face.  But I know for sure if you continue this pattern of trying hard, then giving up, then starting again - you won't get anywhere.  Do or die.  If you want to change your life and be happy again, if you want to create art, if you want to manifest success in your career or material wealth, if you want to open up to other people and grow as a person, you have to fight for it.  And the fight will be long and hard, and you will be weighed down by the past and this feeling of futility.  That's the reality of the situation.

 

Is there hope?  Yes, because I know logically that things can change if you work yourself and make consistent efforts every day.  Then when you feel like you have achieved something, it will be hard won.  That's how it should be.  How long have you been working at it regularly?  As long as you have been writing things down since last year.  That's a short time, really, but you've already seen progress in several areas.  That should give you confidence that you are on the right path.  Live in the moment, don't waste the days you have left.  Don't worry about the past because it is gone, there is good there but it's a waste of time to go looking for it now, you're not in the right place spiritually.  Don't worry about the future because it hasn't happened yet and will always be this intangible thing ahead of you.  You have the ability to change the future, but it will be difficult.  That's why you have to be strong.

[Destiny]

I've been divorced for 2+ years, the holidays are always traumatic.  Should think about scheduling some extended vacation at this time to recover and so it won't interfere with work.

[Destiny]

Here are the problems I'm facing right now:

1. Generalized feelings of depression, guilt, loneliness due to a number of factors - bitterness, heartbreak, guilt about my kids, missing my kids, another year passing with nothing to show for it.  Just time passing.
2. Massive legal bills and child expenses payments in December left me with very little money over the Christmas holidays.
3. Sense that I'm hitting a roadblock at work.  I used to feel that I was an excellent employee on my way to advancement, I don't feel that way anymore.  Recent layoffs at the company also make me feel like I could be terminated randomly at any time.  Talking to a recruiter again about possibility of interviewing for jobs.  This is a very big deal for me because - throughout all of the past two years, despite all the trauma in my personal life, I could console myself that at least I was working towards an advancement in my career, a promotion of some sort coming up since I was such a good employee.  Now I feel like this one positive is gone or could possibly be gone.
4. The previous point making me feel like - if that is the case then I've wasted another 2 years at this job with nothing to show for it.  Time passing, getting older, watching other people with less personal problems advance in their careers, feeling frustrated that my personal problems have been thwarting my career for the past few years and jobs.  
5. This previous point causing me to develop a sense of existential futility.  Like I keep spinning my wheels, getting nowhere, life constantly knocking me back.  Wondering if this is karma for me being a bad person in the past.  Wondering if it's possible to change, to become  a better person and overcome all of these problems.  Worried that there may not be enough time.

[Destiny]

I didn’t know this, you can listen to music while meditating - it doesn’t have to be ambient New Age music, it can be whatever you want.  But you have to focus on the music. Try - just focusing on the guitar parts or drums, or production.

Edited January 3, 2019 by Destiny