Started to finally make a move towards healing - fear of "losing" feelings/thoughts?!

[Nadosa]

So today I started the fight (meaning surrendering) against my full-ass-grown Ego. It was so damn difficult to even jog 1km as my Ego started being irritated. Soon after I experienced a fear of losing specific depressing/suicidal identity patterns. Once I identified with occuring patterns, I didnt want to continue, but deep inside I think I do. But how do I overcome this? I just cant have a clear sense of "yes I want to get better", it is either that I dont have a perspective that I can grow out of these patterns or just a feeling that I dont want to get better or it is impossible to let these stories behind.

Edited July 16, 2018 by Nadosa

[Greenbirch]

I commend your efforts; it's not easy to move out of the familiarity of depressed identity patterns. Dedication is a very important thing you can do, and it sounds like that's exactly what you did: you have made a commitment to get better. It is not impossible to leave the stories behind. Yes, the familiar thought patterns are comfortable, even if they are painful and thus, the process of changing in uncomfortable.

I recommend starting a Metta (loving-kindness) meditation practice, for 5-10 minutes a day (I use Insight Timer and search for guided Metta meditations). The idea is to learn compassion towards yourself and others over time - and this is important to remember! At first, the practice may feel like nothing or even extremely uncomfortable, but it is an investment. Over time, when difficult emotions arise, there is a more understanding reaction that is meeting them instead of resistance. This is a powerful tool and a strength one can use to face... well, anything that comes up. Somehow, it seems gentleness towards all experiences helps to transform them. The feelings one has may even reveal something underneath. Perhaps certain thought patterns are there to serve a purpose, and when this purpose is identified, it is easier to let go of it.

You use the words "depressing" and "suicidal". Do you have support, such as friends or family who are aware of how you are feeling? Have you considered treatment?

[Arman]

The recognition that you're afraid of losing the patterns is a positive and insightful step. Here's some advice on transcending the issues. 

The mind and ego doesn't want to lose its positionalities because it is addicted to all of them. Regardless of whether the perspective or emotions are based in something perceived as positive, or something based in ideas, self-image, pride, apathy, depression, anger, etc. It derives its sense of self from these things and 'juices' them. It doesn't care whether something is beneficial or destructive to your health and your environment - it just milks every and all complexes. It perceives any attempt at dismantling its complexes as a threat to its sovereignty and so an attempt to dissolve these patterns is going to be met with some degree of resistance. 

There are two ways to effectively dismantle these complexes. First is by the reduction of guilt and resistance (the glue that keeps them in place) to having these complexes in the first place. This is done through understanding and recognition of how the ego-mind works. Re-contextualization alone can instantly dismantle a lot of resistance. You can avoid fighting yourself and seeing it as such a problem by acknowledging that these 'problems' only exist because of inherent limitations of our animal brains and the limitations that come through animal evolution. The predicament you find yourself in is not a unique issue you have because you're a bad boy/girl and didn't eat your vegetables - it's simply the human condition. 

The reason it's hard to let go of these problems is because we have adapted these behaviors through our need for survival.  The fear and depression are mechanisms of self-preservation and you have adapted to life as best as you can given your environment and your own biological propensities. You're just like everyone else.  Instead of seeing your ego as a problem, choose to see it as a quirky pet that you carry along with you. This allows you to relax about where you are now. (The metta practice that greenbirch suggested is also good for that) 

Secondly, you don't have to let go of the beliefs, feelings and patterns themselves in order to dismantle them. All that's required is the recognition and awareness that you're getting 'juice' from them - that is, some 'secret' sense of gratification. You're already figuring this out because you know you're afraid to lose the thoughts and feelings. When you look within and identify the feeling of gratification that you derive from these behaviors and patterns, then that in itself is all you need to surrender: the payoff aka the juice. 

For example, we might think that we desperately want to get out of apathy - but the humility to explore this issue reveals that actually we are choosing to experience apathy because we enjoy feeling sorry for ourselves. It has its benefits: it means we don't have to take action and face the fear that comes with that, and we can milk our stories and complain to others. We discover that we are actually more comfortable being a victim. It's not an instant process, but setting your intention to release the gratification from these positions will automatically start to dissolve the problems. There is no need to overly complicate the matter or to use many self-help techniques (although use whatever works for you) - just the awareness that you are secretly holding these complexes as gains to 'juice' will undo them. When they arise, acknowledge them as natural adapted behaviors (like old outdated programming), and don't resist them, but gently hold the firm intention not to juice them by refusing to fixate your attention on them or create more thought-stories. Relinquish that desire.

Edited July 16, 2018 by Arman