Spiritual growth makes unhappy

[Violina]

I have never had problems with depression before (I mean sadness with no reason) sinceI have truly started observe my thoughts during the day,  listen to my inner mind, focus on my inner silence, on breaths.  And I'm really surprised that I started to feel emptiness, I'm sad every morning (even though I've got a good life and lovely partner), I've got a lot of doubts. I also feel failed when I realise that my mind is somewhere else and I can't focus on the present moment. 

I read that ''Depression after spiritual awakening is common''. I'm not even awaken. I just want to develop my concentration on the present moment now. 

Do the others also feel like that? I'm worried now. 

[Prabhaker]

If you begin with sitting silently, you will feel much disturbance inside. Begin with something active, you can just walk, that is easier. you can just dance, that is even easier. Knowledge is not always good; it must unfold itself slowly as your capacity to absorb it grows.

[cetus]

@Violina Have you thought about maybe taking a break from enlightenment work for a while? You can always come back to it when you feel the time is right.

[zoey101]

11 minutes ago, cetus56 said:

@Violina Have you thought about maybe taking a break from enlightenment work for a while? You can always come back to it when you feel the time is right.

I agree, Just do it little by little with breaks in between to help keep you grounded and present. 

@Violina I promise you are not the only one to feel this way. I felt like this for a bit, so I just took a step back from it and just focused on living a bit. Do some yoga or maybe get your partner involved in some excising with you, if you are able.  It will be a chance for you two to spend some time together and it helps keep you healthy and energized through out the day. It's really a good way to start the day if you are into waking up early to exercise a bit lol

[Violina]

@Prabhaker I dance a lot (and also perform), play the instruments, spend a lot of time outside with children. 

@cetus56 If I stop try to focus on now (I don’t do that all the time because it’s very very difficult), my thoughts will overwhelm me. 

@zoey101 Like I wrote before, I’m a very physically active person. 

Maybe because I try to observe my thoughts, I realise that there are a lot of negative thoughts and that’s why I feel sadness? 

[pluto]

You have opened up to the truth, its time to accept it and let it go. Dance with your Violin

[Prabhaker]

1 hour ago, Violina said:

I dance a lot (and also perform), play the instruments, spend a lot of time outside with children. 

That's wonderful ! 

Nothing lasts forever; the depression will go. When depression is there, allow it to be. Don′t get depressed about it. If you want to remove it sooner, you will get depressed. Then you will move in mental grooves. They are infinite. 

 Don′t fight depression, don′t create any diversion, don′t force it to go. Just allow it to happen; it will go by itself. 

[Highest]

Don't think emptiness is a bad or sad thing, it is beautiful. It is there that the false ego self and the false person created by tought (the mind) get's annihilated, within your true nature. You lose something and get something new, peace. Enlightment will not give you much so do not expect much from it, some are simply not ready for it because it requires the death of the false self-created ego self. It requires becoming emptiness and utterly nothing, because that is what you are.

[Violina]

From the guardian.com:

”One story in particular prompted Farias to look further into adverse effects. Louise, a woman in her 50s who had been practising yoga for 20 years, went away to a meditation retreat. While meditating, she felt dissociated from herself and became worried. Dismissing it as a routine side-effect of meditation, Louise continued with the exercises. The following day, after returning home, her body felt completely numb and she didn’t want to get out of bed. Her husband took her to the doctor, who referred her to a psychiatrist. For the next 15 years she was treated for psychotic depression”.

? I’m really worried now ? 

[cetus]

8 minutes ago, Violina said:

While meditating, she felt dissociated from herself and became worried.

@Violina Some ppl don't like that feeling of becoming detached from the body. It is a bit freaky to experiance for the first time.

[Viking]

1 hour ago, Violina said:

From the guardian.com:

”One story in particular prompted Farias to look further into adverse effects. Louise, a woman in her 50s who had been practising yoga for 20 years, went away to a meditation retreat. While meditating, she felt dissociated from herself and became worried. Dismissing it as a routine side-effect of meditation, Louise continued with the exercises. The following day, after returning home, her body felt completely numb and she didn’t want to get out of bed. Her husband took her to the doctor, who referred her to a psychiatrist. For the next 15 years she was treated for psychotic depression”.

? I’m really worried now ? 

dont be, remember its cherry-picking, if even 1% of all people who went to meditation retreats would come back like that they wouldve been banned long ago. she probably had a certain predisposition to psychosis, thats stuff is extremely rare. its like one of those things like dying in an airplane crash or getting eaten by a shark.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zIKQCwDXsA#t=15

Edited July 17, 2018 by Viking

[Nahm]

16 hours ago, Violina said:

Maybe because I try to observe my thoughts, I realise that there are a lot of negative thoughts and that’s why I feel sadness

Yes.       Keep going. Become aware of this. Hurts, then it’s sweet, for the long haul. 

[Sahil Pandit]

@Violina Perhaps make more room for that solitude of being.

Your past self isnt going to like it.

[Martin123]

@Violina Hey man just hang in there! :-)

Often times the parts of us that function in certain phases of our existence in ego start dying off when you commit yourself to living consciously, through things such as mindfulness, focusing on your breath, kidness, gratitude etc.

The symptoms you are experiencing, including the worrying that arrives are just signs of you buffing out everything you dont need in your new level of consciousness.
So take it easy, its a a growing pain. Love yourself and your thoughts, worries and emotions through this process, because that is what your inner most scared and precious parts deserve.

[Violina]

Thank you for you all answers. 

I follow Vipassana, ''Observe your thoughts, do not cling to them, observe everything''. I really like idea to observe my breath and develop concentration, I like idea to see the thoughts and don't allow negative thoughts to stay in my mind, but because I also should not even allow to ''think'' positively, the reality loses colours. For example I can't be emotionless being in relationship. I liked when I used to be a happy person with no reason (and I don't have and no one in my family psychiatric problems). 

 

12 hours ago, Martin123 said:

@Violina 
Often times the parts of us that function in certain phases of our existence in ego start dying off when you commit yourself to living consciously, through things such as mindfulness, focusing on your breath, kidness, gratitude etc.

The symptoms you are experiencing, including the worrying that arrives are just signs of you buffing out everything you dont need in your new level of consciousness.
So take it easy, its a a growing pain. Love yourself and your thoughts, worries and emotions through this process, because that is what your inner most scared and precious parts deserve.

Hopefully. :-)

 

19 hours ago, Viking said:

dont be, remember its cherry-picking, if even 1% of all people who went to meditation retreats would come back like that they wouldve been banned long ago. she probably had a certain predisposition to psychosis, thats stuff is extremely rare. its like one of those things like dying in an airplane crash or getting eaten by a shark.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zIKQCwDXsA#t=15

You are probably right, however I found a lot of posts from the others about negative effects of meditation. Maybe they don't know this forum? 

[Viking]

8 minutes ago, Violina said:

You are probably right, however I found a lot of posts from the others about negative effects of meditation. Maybe they don't know this forum? 

there are possible negative effects of meditation that you can get through, leo has a video on it.

[str4]

I can relate.

I'm not particularly depressed, but I feel the general dissatisfaction much more vividly than before when I didn't do consciousness work. By dissatisfaction I mean a somewhat subtle feeling of "is this all there is". The feeling itself is very subtle in a way that I feel it clearly but I am not able to point out the source of it or the reason for it.

I think I feel this way because I am able to be more mindful of my thoughts and emotions than before, so the abiding dissatisfaction is manifesting at the same level as before, only I feel it more strongly because I have been able to clear some of my mental distractions.

[Violina]

@str4

On 18/07/2018 at 1:11 PM, str4 said:

I can relate.

I'm not particularly depressed, but I feel the general dissatisfaction much more vividly than before when I didn't do consciousness work. (...)

I think I feel this way because I am able to be more mindful of my thoughts and emotions than before, so the abiding dissatisfaction is manifesting at the same level as before, only I feel it more strongly because I have been able to clear some of my mental distractions.

So what is the point if we feel worse than before? However I think it's too late to come back. On the one hand I don't want to come back because I used to get lost in my thoughts , on the other hand I don't want to feel dissatisfaction because I am more aware and probably bear in mind the negative thoughts. 

I didn't know that this path will be so tough....

Edited July 20, 2018 by Violina

[Arkandeus]

1 hour ago, Violina said:

@str4

So what is the point if we feel worse than before? However I think it's too late to come back. On the one hand I don't want to come back because I used to get lost in my thoughts , on the other hand I don't want to feel dissatisfaction because I am more aware and probably bear in mind the negative thoughts. 

I didn't know that this path will be so tough....

seems to me like you enlightened.

there is nothing wrong with your life as it is

what do you seek with enlightenment? with trying to be present? 

you are perhaps feeling the emptiness of seeking, and looking back on your life, it doesnt look that bad doesnt it

so enjoy what you have!

dont let spiritual ego judge how you lived and make you believe it is shameful to go back

there is nothing wrong with how you lived, and if you accept that you can integrate the qualities of your previous lifestyle, one can never go back, but if you do not judge, you will take with you the best of your past self, the things that felt good

yes maybe your previous lifestyle had its faults, its about being mature, it had aspects that were not very conscious but it certainly had qualities, if you judge it as all bad and even degenerative you reject the qualities of your past, it only makes sense that not everything from your previous lifestyle can be bad, its so black and white, and even now to your spiritual life style there are flaws and there are qualities

the key is again not judging, not ping ponging from black to white, absorb qualities from spiritual lifestyle, merge them with qualities from non-spiritual lifestyle

 

I feel I enlightened when I seeked so hard to ascend I went through horrible stuff related to psychedelics, and it went so far because I wanted to enlighten so much, I got lost in hell and when I made it back from there to a degree of normacly I thought 

"wait a minute, this whole enlightenment quest is hundred times worse then how my life was before, a hundred times worse, whats the point of all this?

I'll gladly take my miserable human life back, "enlightenment and heaven can go f*ck themselves"

at this point I put myself above enlightenment, I realized I needed to feel good right now, not at the end of a mystic path of learning, dedication, devotion, meditation, sacrifice, endurance, hard work, hell no, Now

thats the priority, no enlightenment or infinite bliss will make me sacrifice how I feel now

 

since then I've made "progress" but what really happened is the natural order

things naturally flow, bloom and evolve

enlightenment is certain and it is natural, it happens and if flows with you, at your own pace, like a seed blooming, a child growing, there is no effort or mechanization, let things flow

enlightenment is very intimate, dare I say that enlightenment loves you, it doesn't want you to feel worse, ever

it flows when you let nature flow, how you feel right now matters, you pay attention to feeling good now

do not pursue things that will make you feel good later

enlightenment happens now, not two steps from here, not one step from here

not 10 minutes of struggling from here, not 10 seconds of hard work and holding on from here, not one second of sacrifice from here...

it is now 

 it is here

 it is good and satisfying

not even enlightenment should get in the way of you feeling good and satisfied about yourself in this moment, thats enlightenment in my opinion

get off the path and be home, unless you enjoy the path! all is well

Edited July 20, 2018 by Arkandeus