Intimate Relationships & Loneliness

[tashawoodfall]

The reason I'm posting here is that I'm looking for a higher perspective into my situation...Being on this path and learning so much I feel as though I'm outgrowing many people around me and so talking about any issues I'm having to them is almost pointless.  I know Leo has a video about loneliness on the path of Self Actualization and it's helped a bit as I've sat and soaked in that loneliness hole for quite some time which helped, however...

 

The issue I'm having is with my intimate relationship...I currently have a boyfriend and he's great...Kind, romantic, good looking, great in bed, loving, caring, smart, doing well for himself, always positive... but there is something missing...he's not on a path of self-actualization well and he's also religious which is challenging and even though I'm with him, I feel lonely and think maybe we have different levels of awareness.  If I threw him back into the ocean so to speak, it would feel as though I'm throwing back a really great catch with no good reason...

 

One of my friend's responses to my issue was "well what is it to a shark?" and I get it it's not that I feel all that needy because I'm pretty good alone if not better...I guess what I'm looking for here is some insight from a higher perspective into this situation

 

 

[tashawoodfall]

@Etagnwo Do you think someone who is self-actualizing can happily be in an intimate relationship with someone who is not?  I guess that is the question.

[tashawoodfall]

It's become an issue because it's clashing with my beliefs about what an intimate relationship is.  To me right now an intimate relationship is a deep connection with another person.  I just realized I also have a contradicting belief that an intimate relationship is like a business partnership where I think about what value it brings to my life in a sort of shallow way...which isn't necessarily a bad thing in my perspective.

Now happiness doesn't have much to do with him.  I guess the better word is.. satisfaction.  Can I be satisfied with an intimate relationship that is in a sense shallow but brings value to my life?  that's one I need to contemplate  In this case I just might be willing to settle and let that fairytale fantasy/ goose chase be just that...

 

 

[tashawoodfall]

We have a great physical connection and our personalities mesh well, it's just that intellectual/spiritual connection that's not there based on our very different beliefs..but I'm thinking I can get that connection I crave somewhere else and it doesn't necessarily need to come from my intimate partner.  

[aurum]

35 minutes ago, tashawoodfall said:

@Etagnwo Do you think someone who is self-actualizing can happily be in an intimate relationship with someone who is not?  I guess that is the question.

I used to say "no" because there's too big a difference. But my opinions have changed on this slightly.

Most people try to make their boyfriend / girlfriend into everything. They want them to be their best friend, gym buddy, therapist, lover, business partner and everything else. It's really not a fair expectation.

In reality, you want to look at your life like you're a casting director and you're looking people to take specific roles. Who is going to take the best friend role? The therapist role? The business partner? Etc.

As long as she is supportive, I don't need a girlfriend who is aggressively self-actualizing. That's a personal choice and honestly most people won't get it.

So for you, define what you really need out of a boyfriend. If he doesn't fit that role, drop him. If he does, look to other people to fulfill those needs.

[tashawoodfall]

After thinking this through a bit earlier I came to the same conclusion.  The way you said it helps bring it clarity and also highlights to me what "roles" I want to find in others.  Thank you.

[tashawoodfall]

I wouldn't say we are objects to each other.  He fulfills some of my relationship needs and vice versa.  I started this discussion because I thought my bf also had to fulfill my intellectual and spiritual relationship needs for me to be satisfied with having him in that boyfriend role but was so unclear with what my problem was that I wasn't able to even properly communicate it and therefore solve it.

I believe he's at a different stage, he's chasing money and reputation without purpose all while I'm chasing my purpose and self-knowledge/actualization (which he isn't very interested in) and that's ok we don't need to be the same.  I appreciate what value he brings, what needs he meets for me and can enjoy it for all that it is.  

I've discovered that I'm missing a relationship in my life that is fulfilling me intellectually and spiritually and will now work towards finding that. As complex as we are, it may just be unrealistic or even unfair to expect one person to meet all those "requirements" or needs ..

One of the reasons we get along so well is because he is not attached to being right and mixed with my open-mindedness and understanding, it works out.

Edited July 16, 2018 by tashawoodfall

[ajasatya]

@tashawoodfall it seems like you'd be in trouble with ANY partner.

if your own presence is not enough for you, literally nothing in this world will be.

[tashawoodfall]

@ajasatya at least give a reason 

[ajasatya]

6 minutes ago, tashawoodfall said:

@ajasatya at least give a reason 

people change at their own pace and nobody is better nor worse than anyone.

give up on desiring him to be someone else. who do you love, him or your mental toy (your projections onto him)?

instead of craving for the perfect match, focus on your own growth.

also, perfect matches are boring. that's how consumerism intoxicates people.

[tashawoodfall]

I agree, glad we're on the same page.

[GeorgeLawson]

@tashawoodfall Thanks for sharing. It turns out I have what seems like the same problem in my own intimate relationship and I came to this forum today to ask for advice on the same thing: 

How can I reconcile the fact that I have a great relationship with my girlfriend; she loving, supportive, funny, sexy and kind and yet she's not in the least bit interested in self-actualisation? In fact, I've asked if she'd be interested in meditation but she just dismisses it as 'bullshit.' And to be honest, I don't want to force self-actualisation upon her because I know that that's something she has to discover for herself as I did myself a few years ago. 

Is it possible to have a satisfying, intimate relationship with someone who is not interested in self-actualisation or ready to hear about it? 

[pluto]

Its possible if you can remain centered at all times. If you are at peace, nothing outside of self can effect you.

[Prabhaker]

11 hours ago, tashawoodfall said:

I feel lonely

When a female is path of self actualization, it is bound to happen, you will feel more love, but then a physical partner will be less satisfying. Whenever there is deep love, a physical partner will always become unsatisfactory, because the physical partner can fulfill only the periphery, he cannot fulfill the center.

So when female is path of self actualization, their depth is shocked. They start feeling a new urge, a new love arising. Now their their boyfriends, their partners will not be able to satisfy it. Now this can be satisfied only by a much higher quality of being. This is going to be so.

So either your boyfriend, has to become more meditative, create higher qualities of being,only then will he be fulfilling. Otherwise the relationship will break, the bridge cannot remain; you will have to find a new friend. Or, if it is impossible to find a new friend, then you have to love the divine. Then just forget the physical part, now it is not for you.

@tashawoodfall Hi, nice to see you again after such a long time !

Edited July 16, 2018 by Prabhaker

[tashawoodfall]

@GeorgeLawson 

I agree forcing the pursuit of self actualization on anyone is a pointless endeavor.  I think it IS possible to have a satisfying, intimate relationship with someone who is not on the path of self-actualization but you have to take a look at how you define satisfying and intimate in regards to that specific "role" or relationship in your life.

The way I now see it is this: What needs is my partner meeting and what needs do I feel are missing (talking about the "Love and Belonging" needs in Maslow's Hierarchy).  It seems your girlfriend meets the physical and perhaps emotional relationship needs that you have but does she meet your intellectual or spiritual relationship needs?  Meaning - does she stimulate you intellectually or spiritually? Is it a deep sense of connection in a relationship on a spiritual level that is lacking?  Or the feeling of belonging to a group?  What exactly is missing?  Define it.

Once you figure out what is missing ask yourself:  Do I need my gf in life to be fulfilling that specific need I have OR can I get that relationship need met through someone else - perhaps a friend or group of people?

What needs is she fulfilling for you and what needs is she not?  And as aurum put it: Define what you really need out of a girlfriend. If she doesn't fit that role, drop her. If she does, look to other people to fulfill those other needs.

Edited July 16, 2018 by tashawoodfall

[tashawoodfall]

@Prabhaker Interesting way to put it!  I actually listened to Leo's stage Turquoise video earlier this morning and he made a short point about how the view of relationships change at that Turquoise stage which I suspect you are coming from so perhaps it's a "don't cross the bridge till you get there" situation for me.  @pluto another good example of how certain stage turquoise comments can't really serve those in lower stages. 

[Prabhaker]

14 hours ago, tashawoodfall said:

he's not on a path of self-actualization

Let him feel that your self-actualization has made you more loving, more accepting, more relaxed, so that one day he will start to feel like accepting path of self actualization. But that feeling has to arise in him, it is not that you have to put it in his mind. Simply forget about it. Just love him as he is: that very love may change his mind. But make no effort to convert him. All efforts to convert are efforts to dominate, and the freedom of the other has to be respected. Just respect him as he is and love him.

[GeorgeLawson]

On 16 July 2018 at 11:46 PM, tashawoodfall said:

@GeorgeLawson 

I agree forcing the pursuit of self actualization on anyone is a pointless endeavor.  I think it IS possible to have a satisfying, intimate relationship with someone who is not on the path of self-actualization but you have to take a look at how you define satisfying and intimate in regards to that specific "role" or relationship in your life.

The way I now see it is this: What needs is my partner meeting and what needs do I feel are missing (talking about the "Love and Belonging" needs in Maslow's Hierarchy).  It seems your girlfriend meets the physical and perhaps emotional relationship needs that you have but does she meet your intellectual or spiritual relationship needs?  Meaning - does she stimulate you intellectually or spiritually? Is it a deep sense of connection in a relationship on a spiritual level that is lacking?  Or the feeling of belonging to a group?  What exactly is missing?  Define it.

Once you figure out what is missing ask yourself:  Do I need my gf in life to be fulfilling that specific need I have OR can I get that relationship need met through someone else - perhaps a friend or group of people?

What needs is she fulfilling for you and what needs is she not?  And as aurum put it: Define what you really need out of a girlfriend. If she doesn't fit that role, drop her. If she does, look to other people to fulfill those other needs.

As it turns out I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks after commenting on that post. It was true that she was meeting physical and emotional relationship needs but was providing hardly any intellectual or spiritual needs. In fact, the reason I was staying with her was mainly out of comfort and security rather than what I knew in my heart was right. It was very emotionally challenging but I gained huge growth from leaving that relationship and felt a lot more centred and authentic. 

That's a good idea to define would I really need out of a girlfriend. Otherwise I may lack a sense of direction in my future relationships. Thanks. 

[pluto]

@GeorgeLawson Tell me about it.. Almost ruined me too, i was caught up for years because i kept forgiving over and over

Almost went from this

To this again..

Glad i managed to let go before it got to this stage again.

Life starts of free, it cannot be lived and enjoyed truly any other way.

[tashawoodfall]

We broke up the beginning of August...

that was a lot of fun and learning 

Edited September 12, 2018 by tashawoodfall