Where in the spiral am I?

[Cesar Alba]

I’m having some problems to determine where on the spiral could I be and therefor I don’t know where the hell to begin working on. From one hand I’m still trapped en a very blue sense of guilt because of a lot of thing I’ve done in the past, but in a lot of things I’ve also trascended blues guilt. I think I’m mostly in orange, but in a kind of inward orange or a low stage orange because I’ve being very depressed for around three years ive had an intempted suicide a couple months ago, I am very disinterested in accomplishing anything with small lapses of entrepreneurism. Because I don’t have any money I started to attend to AA meetings (Ive never had problems with any substances or so, but I’ve found a place to empty my self of those thoughts) but even in AA I see a lot of delusion as Leo has explained. There is something inside of me that knows that what Leo is teaching is the way, but at the same time I know I have so many things to work on my self first. It’s strange! It’s like I understand everything that Leo is saying (I know that “believing” doesn’t matter at all) but my reality is so basic, and every time I plan to work on stage Orange to fully embody my stage, Thoughts of “Why even try if it’s delusion?” Comes to my head.

 

You can see in my writing that it’s so confusing, but that’s how I feel right now.

I really really hope you can help me and that I’m ready for the help.

[cirkussmile]

You understand that belief is false and yet you want to work on yourself?

Will you feel happier if I told you that you were Turquoise? Will you be more depressed if I told you that you were red? 

If you really want to grow: stop looking outwards. 

The path is long and you have to accept it ??

[Cesar Alba]

I know that believing does not serve me at all, I can see it, if that weren’t the case I wouldn’t be depressed. I don’t want to know where am I so I can feel superior, I just want to know what the fuck is happening to me and what is the next step because not knowing what to do with all this noise inside my head keeps me in a vegetative state of being where nothing is happening.

I just want to stop suffering.

[Guest Quanty]

Don't do it  it will do you harm if you point exactly at 1 color. 

[Lorcan]

Existing, and all the drama that comes along with it is a mindfuck. 

And that can be quite the predicament really.

4 hours ago, Cesar Alba said:

I know that believing does not serve me at all, I can see it, if that weren’t the case I wouldn’t be depressed. I don’t want to know where am I so I can feel superior, I just want to know what the fuck is happening to me and what is the next step because not knowing what to do with all this noise inside my head keeps me in a vegetative state of being where nothing is happening.

I just want to stop suffering.

I do not have much experience in life and so, do not have much to talk about based on experience , but what I do have experience with and had results with in dealing with periods of immense inner suffering may help you.

I had been rejected by my crush. The circumstances I put upon myself before asking her out made it very awkward. I had all this negative self talk. A lot of them self blaming, judging and guilt "You fool , you messed up so bad, if only you did this" are thoughts I would say to myself. I cried. I felt a heavy anxiety in my chest.

So as I sat there in my room in pain I had to do something.So for immediate relief in this situation here is what I did.

So 1. I started breathing as heavily as I could. To really get the air pumping in and out of me. Not hyperventilating mind you, like Wim Hof method style of breathing. Really breathing deeply and loudly and focusing on each breath through my nose.

2. I did lots of push-ups. I used my anger to really push myself. Back bridges helped especially, for some reason reason, they make me feel good. Especially ones where you can get a good stretch.

3. I listened to music mixed in with motivational speeches

4. Positive self talk "I am the greatest" "I will be the greatest" "I am unstoppable" whilst busting out high reps.

5. After I was all worn out from push- ups. I lay on the floor and enjoyed my rest and just continued listening on to the motivational speakers.

Looking back. One thing I will note is to avoid Black and White thinking.

This mentality of "All or Nothing" is destructive. Do not fall into this trap. You will just wear your self out needlessly.

 

Outside of this.

On days I felt particularly lazy or wanted a boost in happiness. Cold showers helped me 100% of the time. I have never regretted cold showers. Or cold exposure.

 

May you find peace on your Journey.