Changing My Self-image To Become A New Person (serious Question)

[mihael kheel]

Hey actualizers, I'm fed up with not being comfortable with myself, I have a damn lot of beliefs that limit me in every way. It's been like this my whole life and I'm already 22 years old, it's about time things would change, isn't it? 

I've been reading past 2 years about self-esteem, belief system, consciousness and human psychology in general. I've become VERY self-conscious which is a bad thing at times. My rock-bottom self-esteem drove me to neurosis and a very severe anxiety (GAD). I've been working on that and I noticed that my anxiety goes down when my self-esteem goes up. It's much better now. 

So, I'm REALLY, REALLY fed up with such life, not being comfortable with myself sucks so bad (I used to despise myself SOOO much more, I hated myself, now I'm at a place where I don't really hate myself, but I don't have positive emotions about my "self" either, it's kinda empty, self-sabotage still persists), so I decided to become a better me. 

Last week I had an "enlightenment" moment (or whatever you wanna call it), I did some self-love practices for three days straight and I had two, maybe three hours of my BEST self. Self-sabotage disappeared, I became someone I only could dream of becoming. I became incredibly smart, confident, attractive, I was perfectly in tune with myself, perfectly calm, perfectly in the moment, perfectly happy, I loved myself and I was someone who thought there was nothing in this world that couldn't be done. I was so confident, I can't even put it into words, I became kind, very calm and badass. I found out that I had awesome characteristics (like intellect, social awareness, reading people & getting in touch with them easily, humor, confidence etc), I learnt that every good thing I had in me was being held in check by self-sabotage behavior, how cruel is that? For someone who always struggled with anxiety and low self-esteem it felt like I was going crazy. Unfortunately I returned to my old anxious self after a few hours, but I know that perfectly awesome state can be achieved and maintained, right? If I could live like that, I would literally be the happiest and most badass individual on earth, that's how much of a change I encountered in that short period of time. 

Just remembering that makes me wanna explode, I'm only 5% of the person I became back then. I think after living my whole life in emotional hell made me such an awesome person, but I cannot be that person until I change something. I'm not bragging, I really became someone like that.

Now you tell me, is that even possible? One thing I noticed was that I viewed myself in a different (good) way, is that the reason I felt so awesome? does changing self-image cause such drastic changes?

I want to change and become like that for good, how can I go about doing that? Some say self-love will change self-image, others say it many not. I'm confused.. You know where I am, what should I work on to live a better life? Should I work on loving myself or try to change my self-image, or both? 

Edited March 18, 2016 by mihael kheel

[Primeval]

Love the self that you hate... and you will be transformed by that fire.

[mihael kheel]

1 hour ago, Lha Bho said:

Love the self that you hate... and you will be transformed by that fire.

no self-image makeover needed then? 

[Primeval]

The Self is transformed when the old-self is accepted for what it is.

It's the Shadow Archetype I'm talking about here.

It's the Tower Mythology, build yourself too high and you will be humbled.

Better to Build a Self-Image on the Ground.

A sword is forged from ore.

[mihael kheel]

1 hour ago, Lha Bho said:

The Self is transformed when the old-self is accepted for what it is.

I'd like to ask : are you talking from your experience?

[Primeval]

I'm in the process thereof.

But I do have experience of building one's self image.

I reached a high level of self confidence illustrated in your OP.

And then I suffered a backfiring of the Shadow Archetype.

So I do know that that is not the way.

[mihael kheel]

1 hour ago, Lha Bho said:

I reached a high level of self confidence illustrated in your OP.

And then I suffered a backfiring of the Shadow Archetype.

what do you mean by this? I don't really get what Shadow Archetype means

[Primeval]

In Jungian Psychology there are Archetypes which basically represent different aspects of the Psyche.

E.G. Persona, Ego, etc

The Shadow Archetype is the parts of ourselves that we typically turn our attention away from, and or dislike/hate.

So what I'm saying is to not seek elevation away from the Self-Image that you don't like.

Instead turn your awareness towards those feelings/thoughts/actions & confidence etc and give THAT IMAGE the Self-Love.

In short: Love the Self-Image that isn't the high super confident, but the one that you've been your whole life.

And then that Self-Image will be transformed.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Lha Bho

[mihael kheel]

10 hours ago, Lha Bho said:

So what I'm saying is to not seek elevation away from the Self-Image that you don't like.

 

I didn't mean neglecting my own self and building a new self-image, I was talking about my belief system. My negative beliefs are what causes lack of self-love, isn't that right? 

 

10 hours ago, Lha Bho said:

In short: Love the Self-Image that isn't the high super confident, but the one that you've been your whole life.

 

In short self-love = no self-sabotage = better thoughts = beneficial beliefs = better self-image, correct? 

[lala]

You say you did some self-love practices for 3 days straight and you got 2 hours of awesome results.

Then it is obvious to me that if you do those practices not for 3 but for 90 days straight you are going to get longer results.

And if you make it a daily habit for the rest of your life you will get amazing results.

Edited March 19, 2016 by lala

[Primeval]

@mihael kheel Correct.

[Consept]

Yeah its really about learning to love and fully accept the side of you that you don't like. 

I used to have long bouts of anxiety and inner conflict when I was younger and then occasionally I'd get periods of time, randomly, where I'd just feel great like how you explained in your post. I didn't do anything to get there but it'd always fade whether it took days or weeks, I could never hold on to it. 

What I've realised now is, although it felt great I'm that state I never faced the fear of what I hated about myself and never truly accepted it as part of me. So my inner conflict was trying to 'get rid' of it or stop the thoughts. This is completely impossible, doesn't matter how much you try, in fact the more you try the more of an issue it becomes. 

So what really works is full acceptance of any thoughts, feelings, whatever happens in your body and mind. But also be aware you are not your thoughts and if you let them be they will just float by, but if you hold on and analyse why you're having this or that thought they will affect you.

[mihael kheel]

1 hour ago, Consept said:

What I've realised now is, although it felt great I'm that state I never faced the fear of what I hated about myself and never truly accepted it as part of me. So my inner conflict was trying to 'get rid' of it or stop the thoughts. This is completely impossible, doesn't matter how much you try, in fact the more you try the more of an issue it becomes. 

Hey, thanks for the input! 

But how about 'fake it till you make it' approach? Do you think it's impossible to transform one's self? I'm consciously aware that I shouldn't dislike any part of me and that helped me greatly in reducing my self-sabotage behavior, but there are limiting beliefs in my subconscious that need to be taken care of, beliefs like "I'm ugly, I can't, I'm not good enough", whilst in reality I'm more than good enough, I've got better life & social skills than your average joe, but I'm performing much worse than them in life, that's why I'm pissed off. When I'm 10 times smarter than someone yet he gets better academic results just because I sabotage myself through the process and that's the only thing that drops my performance...wtf?!

What makes a person great?! - Beliefs! am I wrong to deduce this? I have enough experience to say that I'm sure of it. So should I start working on my beliefs (like mirror exercises, affirmations etc.) or self love alone (which you guys say will take care of the negative beliefs). In other words, I want to unleash my full potential which is being held in check by limiting beliefs which I have from childhood. I thought viewing oneself in a better way & thinking of oneself as one desires to be was the way to go, am I wrong?

My goal is to be the best I can be, to use 100% of my good qualities, how can I do that (again)?

[Consept]

No probs. Transform is probably the wrong word to use because it's the idea that at some point in the future I'll completely change who I am, the fact is you'll always be you and as such to be the best you, you have to fully embrace every aspect. 

I get what you're saying about beliefs, but, (and this is just my personal experience), you need beliefs really just to tell you to completely trust in your true self. So you don't need to add things on, that's what usually happens, you think once I change my mind set or once I do this or that then I'll be ok, really all this does is set your salvation away from the present moment. Ultimately what you need to do is let go of all these beliefs and stop trying to be great and just be, your natural self is great but your ego gets in the way thinking it needs to do stuff to be great. 

Think about meditation, that is literally the practice of letting go and letting your mind be. Eventually if you can bring that state of mind into your normal life you'll be your true self all the time. 

But acceptance is also accepting your limiting beliefs and realising that they aren't you and don't have power of you, they're just like old programs running on a computer, you don't need to use them but they're there so just accept them. The only reason why these beliefs have an effect on you is because you don't let them be you try and actively get rid of them which makes them more powerful. Say to yourself there's nothing I can do about them so no point in trying and just leave them be, eventually they will diminish and fade away 

[mihael kheel]

1 hour ago, Consept said:

I get what you're saying about beliefs, but, (and this is just my personal experience), you need beliefs really just to tell you to completely trust in your true self. So you don't need to add things on, that's what usually happens, you think once I change my mind set or once I do this or that then I'll be ok, really all this does is set your salvation away from the present moment. Ultimately what you need to do is let go of all these beliefs and stop trying to be great and just be, your natural self is great but your ego gets in the way thinking it needs to do stuff to be great. 

You don't get it, being comfortable with yourself is necessary but I'm talking about being great. I don't really want to be the person who is comfortable with himself but cannot do anything IRL. I can be better, but I am not because there ARE beliefs that are limiting me and you're telling me to accept them? If I think I'm ugly, should I say "Oh, well, I love myself either way" or "I'm not ugly, I am handsome, but I would love myself even if I was ugly" ? Same goes for other beliefs as well, giving yourself love is important, but are you sure that self-love can dissolve EVERY limiting belief that I have?

1 hour ago, Consept said:

But acceptance is also accepting your limiting beliefs and realising that they aren't you and don't have power of you, they're just like old programs running on a computer, you don't need to use them but they're there so just accept them. The only reason why these beliefs have an effect on you is because you don't let them be you try and actively get rid of them which makes them more powerful. Say to yourself there's nothing I can do about them so no point in trying and just leave them be, eventually they will diminish and fade away 

What makes great people great? I don't mean historical leaders or smth like that. Just everyday people, who are confident, perfectly in tune with themselves and able to do anything? What makes them different? I know a lot of people like that, I had a much harsher life so I should have learnt more from life, be able to do more etc. But it's the difference in beliefs, their life has led them to forge a positive self-image, that's what makes us different, do you disagree with me on this? 

I know some people who love themselves but still have insecurities, they are comfortable but have miserable lives, most of them don't even have the healthy desire to improve. I think self-love must come with the desire to improve. I know I'm perfect though, these are all society standards (to get a job, be good at smth), I could give a flying fuck on what society says, it's just that being able to be something great but not being it because of low self-esteem / poor self-image makes me go crazy.

Guess I'll have to figure it out by experience...

Edited March 19, 2016 by mihael kheel

[Consept]

Ok first of all let me recommend a book if I can 'towards a psychology of being' by maslow, he literally looks at the psychology behind 'great' people and looks at what makes them great.

One of the themes is whether your looking for self improvement coming from a deficient mind set which is basically you feel you're incomplete and you're trying to become complete, or if you have a growth mindset which means you feel you are complete already and anything you do is growing you as a person. But a big factor is being able to do whatever your doing not as a means to get somewhere else but because it's something you like to do, so being is an end in itself rather than a means to an end. So basically enjoy the process rather than being results focused will actually cuter intuitively get you better results. 

Taking your 'I'm ugly' example, yes you're right if you've been convinced you're ugly and you also buy into your thoughts then this will affect you, but really this is a learnt behavior. Any opinion like this I'm ugly, intelligent, confident, dumb whatever, has to be measured by what you think you 'should be', which you've mentioned in your post when you've said you know people like... So its not that someone is objectively 'ugly' but dependent on society projection of beauty and your comparison to that they could be labelled as ugly, but this is an ever changing definition. So its not about trying to convince yourself you're not ugly, it's about seeing and loving yourself without putting labels on what you 'should be'. If you grew up outside of society in a forest, you would have no negative beliefs because there wouldn't be a comparison. So they're not true.

What you're suggesting is that you fight your beliefs, how would you go about doing that? Do you ignore them? Do you argue with them? Has that worked in your experience?

You answered your own question with people that are in tune with themselves, being in tune with yourself would imply that there is peace and no internal conflict, to get to that state you would have to fully accept yourself. The thing is when you do accept yourself and stop fighting, you save a crazy amount of energy but also you can focus all that energy I'm one direction which really can give you the power to be 'great'. But another thing you should ask yourself is why exactly do you want to be 'great '?  Is it because you don't think you're enough? (deficiency mindset), is it to prove to other people? Get down to the route of it If you can. 

 

Bit of a ramble but hope it helps 

 

 

[mihael kheel]

5 hours ago, Consept said:

What you're suggesting is that you fight your beliefs, how would you go about doing that? Do you ignore them? Do you argue with them? Has that worked in your experience?

Suggesting otherwise (contrary to my beliefs) has helped me, like arguing with my negative self-talk is a good way to improve.

5 hours ago, Consept said:

The thing is when you do accept yourself and stop fighting, you save a crazy amount of energy but also you can focus all that energy I'm one direction which really can give you the power to be 'great'.

I think this is it!

 

5 hours ago, Consept said:

But another thing you should ask yourself is why exactly do you want to be 'great '?  Is it because you don't think you're enough? (deficiency mindset), is it to prove to other people?

I've always wanted to be better than other people, in other words it may be coming from my perfectionism.

Anyway, I'll check out that book right away, you've been very helpful, thank you!

[Guest]

@mihael kheel You can choose what kind of person you want to be. Write it down in detail, this is important. So you can read it over and over again, in case you forget. Then keep reminder with you at all times that you can look at. Use affirmations and visualizations EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR MONTHS to reprogramm your self-image. Sooner or later you will start to act like the person you wanna be and then you will be that person. It's possible when you do this.

And always remember, you ARE this person already, so act and think like this new person, the new-you

Edited March 19, 2016 by Rasmus