help me overcome my obstacles to get a girlfriend

[Viking]

I think I finally decided to get a girlfriend, after a long time of doubting, I have a few obstacles I face and I need help to overcome them:

1. not really an obstacle, but a question- is cold approach the way to go? from personal sightings of people doing it and from youtube videos it seems very assholish, selfish, you disturb women. It feels wrong to disturb girls in the middle of the day. maybe it might make them feel good, but not always. that leads me to-
2. I dont know when and where is it appropriate to approach girls. I have a few places in my town and a few outside of town where there are a decent amount of people, my area is lowly populated and the average age in my town is 60 i think, so its a bit tough to find places with women my age. though in the places that i would guess there would be women my age when is it appropriate to approach? what if theyre in a group? there are rarely girls going around on their own, what if theyre busy doing something or in a rush to someplace? it seems inappropriate to start a conversation with a girl while shes grocery shopping. there are a few cafes so what i think the best way to approach is to make a few eye contacts with the same woman and then go talk to her.
3. im afraid of my friends finding out that im doing this, because again, my town is small so theres a big chance i would meet a girl who knows one of my friends and i dont want them to know because its a lot not like me, im very reserved and not outgoing so the huge difference in personality might trigger some lightbulbs in my friends. i know it shouldnt be really a problem, but it feels uncomfortable thinking about that.
4. I do have very good social skills and sometimes im very funny, but only sometimes. its like it depends on my mood and whether im relaxed and detached. i dont know how to forcibly detach myself and relax myself. i might be very awkward or i might be very extroverted. another fear is being awkward or assaulting some girl or making her uncomfortable by mistake, and then maybe my friends will know about that and they might not want to go out with me anymore, and i kind of need that group of friends because it makes my socials skills better.
5. i saw leo's vid on how to get a girlfriend and one of the points was to push for sex. i understand where that's coming from because she wont care about me really before sex, though it seems very aggresive and selfish, i feel dirty when i think about doing that. i also have no idea how to do that, what if i go too far and it might be considered sexual harassment? i dont know where the limits are. im also a virgin, so "taking the lead" might prove very difficult for me.
6. lets say I go on a "hunt" to a mall or something, try to talk with girls. lets say i get rejected by a few and I stay around to talk to more girls. what if the girls who rejected me see me talking to more girls or bump into me again? i seem very desperate in the situation. more importantly what if a girl sees me talking to some other girl, she rejects me, and i happen to approach the girl who saw me? she might think im some desperate dude hanging around the place picking up girls, so she will definitely reject me or even throw a hurtful comment, which will lower my motivation and increase the fear. also, if I get a girl's number, am I supposed to leave the place and not get more numbers? if a girl that gave me her number sees me with another girl she will ignore me on the phone.
7. can i have a date right after i met a girl? is it ok to take her out of he group of friends if she has one?

I think the biggest one is 2, i dunno if its appropriate for example to catch up to a walking girl in the street, also i would guess i would need to be more direct, because she's in a dynamic state so it will be weird and disturbing if i try to talk "around the point". and what if she has a boyfriend?

do you have any crucial tips? are there any ways that i can get in trouble doing pickup?

p.s. should i approach girls that i dont like, but are not ugly? i know by being picky i wont get anywhere but what if i dont have anything genuine to complement a girl on?

Edited July 13, 2018 by Viking

[SFRL]

"Women don't want a good guy, they want a bad guy and make him good" 

Edited July 13, 2018 by SFRL

[billiesimon]

Just now, SFRL said:

"Women don't want a good guy, they want a bag guy and make him good" 

Actually, no.

It depends on the level of the girl. Girls with damaged souls tend to be attracted to bad people.

But, generally speaking, girls DON'T care if you are a nice guy or a bad guy. You can be a complete asshole or a completeley honest and caring guy and get the girl with the same results.

What matters is your social skills and your natural charisma. Being a bad boy with a boring character doesn't get you laid.

[SFRL]

5 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

Actually, no.

It depends on the level of the girl. Girls with damaged souls tend to be attracted to bad people.

But, generally speaking, girls DON'T care if you are a nice guy or a bad guy. You can be a complete asshole or a completeley honest and caring guy and get the girl with the same results.

What matters is your social skills and your natural charisma. Being a bad boy with a boring character doesn't get you laid.

I will leave it in your hands from here then, you guys let's me know how it goes.

Edited July 13, 2018 by SFRL

[Sea]

1 hour ago, Viking said:

i saw leo's vid on how to get a girlfriend and one of the points was to push for sex. i understand where that's coming from because she wont care about me really before sex, though it seems very aggresive and selfish, i feel dirty when i think about doing that. i also have no idea how to do that, what if i go too far and it might be considered sexual harassment? i dont know where the limits are. im also a virgin, so "taking the lead" might prove very difficult for me.

I get the sense that the current Leo would never encourage something like that, lol.

[billiesimon]

10 minutes ago, SFRL said:

I will leave it in your hands from here then, you guys let's me know how it goes.

I'm not saying that bad boys don't get laid. They do. A lot. I'm just saying that it's not the bad character. It's the confidence and the charisma that works.

[Viking]

@Sea but on a certain level it makes sense. after having sex a lot of hormones are released and the attraction is stronger. before that there is no real deep connection like you would have with your family or long time friends. sex is like a shortcut to deep connection.

[SFRL]

14 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

I'm not saying that bad boys don't get laid. They do. A lot. I'm just saying that it's not the bad character. It's the confidence and the charisma that works.

You are splitting hairs.

[Sea]

 

[billiesimon]

2 hours ago, SFRL said:

You are splitting hairs.

I presented a thesis, which is also validated by a lot of sexual psychology. Women are generally attracted by authenticity, charisma, leadership and solid character. Which are neutral factors, not related to being bad or being good in society. You can be a great positive and cheering leader like tony robbins and get a WHOLE LOT of girls. In fact he's very good with women. And also a very good hearted man.

Show me the hardcore data proving that being rude to people is the key factor.

3 minutes ago, Sea said:

 

Yes, because they are not authentic. They are people pleaser. 
If you are genuinely good hearted women will like you because you are being true to your core. 
A lot of nice guys are just weak assholes and I don't like them as a man. They are often very resentful.

[billiesimon]

By the way, I love Teal Swan  one of the best spiritual teachers

Edited July 13, 2018 by billiesimon

[SFRL]

41 minutes ago, billiesimon said:

I presented a thesis, which is also validated by a lot of sexual psychology. Women are generally attracted by authenticity, charisma, leadership and solid character. Which are neutral factors, not related to being bad or being good in society. You can be a great positive and cheering leader like tony robbins and get a WHOLE LOT of girls. In fact he's very good with women. And also a very good hearted man.

Show me the hardcore data proving that being rude to people is the key factor.

Yes, because they are not authentic. They are people pleaser. 
If you are genuinely good hearted women will like you because you are being true to your core. 
A lot of nice guys are just weak assholes and I don't like them as a man. They are often very resentful.

Good guy/Nice guy Bad boy/Bad guy it's the same thing in the context I was using it. 

If you had thought twice about it you could have realized that yourself, but I guess your need to disagree with me is greater. 

Go to a woman and provide her with data and a thesis. This is an art not an exact science. 

 

[Spiral]

Depends, I meet less then 10% of the girls I have something with through “pickup”. I don’t even do actual pickup I just happen to talk to some girl at a party or something.

Friends, events, work and university are the places/ways you meet girls at least in my experience. 

Also you don’t have to be super obvious about what you are doing, say you see a girls put in some flowers in her car next to the flower shop, ask her causally if you can help. Strike up a conversation, maybe make a joke or two. It’s no big deal. If you feel like she might like you go for the number otherwise don’t. I don’t think she’ll tell all her friends some guy helped her and if she’s does it probably a good thing 

I would go for a number if it’s in public. If it’s lets say you do it in a mall and you approach a girl in a confident way, it will look like you already know each other.

Edited July 13, 2018 by Spiral

[Viking]

9 minutes ago, Spiral said:

Depends, I meet less then 10% of the girls I have something with through “pickup”. I don’t even do actual pickup I just happen to talk to some girl at a party or something.

well, I had a few parties this year but most of the girls there were with their bfs and i wasnt set on approaching girls then. now though, i have 2 months almost free, and in that time i want to try to get a girlfriend, but there wont be any parties in the region i will be able to attain to.

12 minutes ago, Spiral said:

Friends, events, work and university are the places/ways you meet girls at least in my experience. 

I have 1 group of friends, which is a closed group, i barely meet anyone new, theyre also not that good friends we just hang out whenever. i have another group of friends in the university, though my university is far away from my town, and i need a girlfriend in the vicinity. there may be events in the vicinity so ill try to be on the lookout, though i can know if an event is happening only through facebook, because of the sparsely populated area. I dont work, but how do you find someone at work? isnt it not allowed? or if you break up or something it will be shitty at work later.

17 minutes ago, Spiral said:

Also you don’t have to be super obvious about what you are doing, say you see a girls put in some flowers in her car next to the flower shop, ask her causally if you can help. Strike up a conversation, maybe make a joke or two. It’s no big deal. If you feel like she might like you go for the number otherwise don’t. I don’t think she’ll tell all her friends some guy helped her and if she’s does it probably a good thing 

so, since i dont get out of my mancave at all, i should force myself to go to public places, and all im gonna do there is look out for opportunities to talk casually, is that right? and if i dont find any, just being straight about it might work, like- hey, i think youre pretty, do you want to get to know eachother? or trying to make eye contact at a place where people are stationary.

[Viking]

8 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

2. You could try online dating. If your city makes it hard to find women within your age range, I'd recommend you to consider moving somewhere else.

I tried online dating and also there there are no girls nearby. i cant move somewhere else because i live with my parents, im only 20 years old and i study in university so i dont have a job yet to afford a place of my own.

8 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

The best way to find a relationship is to evolve in an environnement where girls are present and you just happen to naturally interact with them.

thats the problem, there simply is no environment like that for me, even in university, i study physics and there are about 10% girls, also soon i will be on a summer break so i wont be in university. I wish I could do something besides pickup, but there are no other options.

[Viking]

2 minutes ago, Etagnwo said:

@Viking

Go to a club. They are all there dressed up in pairs waiting..

Or do you think they just go there to talk science and politics?

the nearest club is outside of town and about 20km away. Also clubs are the worst place to pick up girls exactly because they expect you to, they have a huge choice and you have to spend a ton of money for drinks, because the girls who go to clubs are mostly sluttish, so they will only talk to you if you get them a drink. I went once to a club and it was a huge sausage party, most girls came there with boyfriends and there were much more men than women.

reminds me of a salsa class I took, much more men want to go to salsa classes than women, even though its supposed to be the opposite, my guess just to pick up girls. in the age we live in its much fucking harder to meet women than it once were.

[Viking]

10 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

You could try online dating.

oh and for unattractive people online dating is bluntly impossible. I tried tinder a few times, nothing came out of it.

[billiesimon]

3 hours ago, Etagnwo said:

@Viking

Go to a club. They are all there dressed up in pairs waiting..

Or do you think they just go there to talk science and politics?

 

Um... it's not how it seems.

Generally girls go to the club just to get drunk with friends and receive validation from guys who look at them. It's not about finding a interesting man.

[Viking]

26 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

What about an Erasmus plan in a bigger city? 

is that student exchange? im not allowed to because the army pays for my education.

27 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

TBH 10% is not much, but that still means there are some girls.

and those girls are on average 5 years older than me and have boyfriends.

[sky_dreamer]

In my opinion one should get laid first before getting a girlfriend. It will give you confidence when you start dating and it can be hard if you are still a virgin. How do you get laid? Try craigslist, backpages, or just inquire around the city for the women who preform the honorable profession. Get it over with, it will give you confidence when you start dating. After that getting a girlfriend is as simple as A, B, C, with a gradual latter progression until you reach the top. In other words, start from the bottom and conquer each step. 

A: Objective..... Define yourself. What kind of man do you want to be? Try to have a clear path what you want out of life. Develop a set of principles and values that you strongly believe in. You can keep it simple at first if you are young, and then more complex as you get older. ie: I believe in hard work and perseverance.. my objective is to finish college and get good grades no matter what. 

B: Confidence/Self-acceptance.... You should absolutely be 100% confident with yourself. You shouldn't be having any negative thoughts of yourself or your self image. This step is probably the most important one. Make sure you have this down pat if you want to start dating. 

C: Social skills.... It's a reality of the fact that women and humans in general are social creatures. You don't have to be the most popular or charming man on campus either. Just start talking to women, it's the only way to get practice. Online dating and tinder is what I would recommend. There is no need to do pickup games outside, if you are not comfortable with that. You could eventually graduate to that level as you get experience. I have found success just talking to women online or tinder, and then going on to meet them and go from there. This step should be applied realistically at first, until you gain more experience. Maybe you want to date european models, or beautiful women in general, but you have to build your chops till you get to that point. Again, this is just my opinion, but I have found it has worked well for me. 

*Also I should say, dating internationally is highly effective if you are new and don't have experience. I have found success talking and dating women from Dominican republic,  asian countries, and africa. It's fairly easy to get laid and get experience. Only downside is, you may need to save more money to travel to those countries to meet them.*

Edited July 16, 2018 by sky_dreamer