Dreams Related To Childhood Trauma

[Iulia]

Hey everyone!

I woke up this morning having again of "those" dreams i'm having from time to time. And i really urged to write it down here now. 

I grew up with an alcoholic father, every weekend he got drunk and yelled at my mother from 9 p.m until 4-5 a.m, while i was listening to everything. I kept trying to convince my mom to leave him, that we would be better off without him, that i can't stand him making her cry one more day.. i remember telling her all this after leaving home for a few days after a big fight...

Well. I'm 25 now and at 19 fortunately my father stopped drinking, after I left home and went living at my grandma's so i could have peace to study for college. In order for me to get back home i made a list of "rules" for him, like

- stop yelling at mom

- stop manipulating her

-stop being violent

Things like that.. I made 3 copies for all of us to sign it.

While he said he was missing me, his ego was too big to understand my intentions and reacted like " Who do you think you are to ask me all of this?!"

Few months after he quit drinking for good. Maybe i triggered something in him back then that made him concious about losing us, i don't know.

I'm proud of him because of doing it as i never thaught he could.

Now, i'm into self-actualization for over a year and i feel like i'm "reborning" slowly in this proccess, and i'm having dreams from time to time.

Sometimes i dream about arguing with him, like yelling at him ( i never did this in childhood ), he beating me after, and i wake up crying in the morning.

Last night i dreamed that i was in the neighbourhood i grew up, and I met a friend of mine. He asked me " how are you?", i told him " wait i'll be back and talk to you" and i ... flew. Like, actually opened my arms and 'flew" away. ( hilarious, i know ) 

I wanted to come back to the place i flew from and talk to him, but the "speed" took me to another city. When i realized i'm too far i started crying and asking a woman in a bus station to tell me what city is that and if i could get a bus to get home.

While waiting, i saw right there a house of a family which i felt i knew and visited before, and from the moment i went into their house, i felt like all of the things that happened , have been happening to me before in the exact same order.. 

I don't remember exactly what i was but i felt fear and pain while living them.. I remember my mom came there and i was trying to persuade her into leaving my father, and as she used to in reality, she got back to him after... and i was feeling alone and "betrayed. After that i told her i have to leave her and could lot live like that anymore.

Before i fell asleep last night i heard my neighbours quarelling, and i'm guessing that triggered something in my subconcious and provoked this dream.

I know that in the proccess of my evolution i must forgive my father and everything he did, my mother too, and accept them as they are just because they raised me up as "best" as they could,  they simply didn't know better and that's not to blame. 

While i thaught i really forgave him, turns out that's maybe just a mental forgiveness but i still have root issues i have to work on.

Is there anyone here experiencing this? What have you realized in the process and how did you cope with it?

Thank you, BIG THANK YOU for reading all of this. 

[Guest]

Ever thought about talking to him? Your dream about standing upto him might be unfinished business. To individuate means to stand up to the "big person" in our life. Expressing your feelings in a non violent way and having the skill to cope with the resistance you will get. Maybr you're needing to tell him how he impacted you? The male in your dreams could be your dad, you flew away, you want to embrace him but can't until he apologises, you flew away to get away but realised that what you need is to get back home and make amends, ambivalence is painful. You don't have to forgive anybody until you are ready. It is messy and forgiveness is something that just happens when you have completed grieving. 

[Anna Konstantaki]

@Iulia Hi Iulia. Here is what I do:

• Accept my pain, disappointment etc. about it.
• Visualize their entire lives. Make sense of their doing, make up their psychographs.
• View them as children and grown up children. Feel their pain (they passed onto you).
• Deside to break the circle. If possible, forgive.

For me forgiving happened in one big chunk and now there are smaller parts following.

I know that one day I will have to have some conversations with them but this day has not come yet. (I am preparing though).

I see the impact they had on my life all the time, that is why forgiving is something I have to do over and over again. 

This is just what I do, but it has helped me so far... (Keep in mind that I come from a different background though).

Edited March 19, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki
Want to add sth.

[Iulia]

@Nomad Yes, did thought about it but unfortunately at the moment i can't. I don't think if i will ever tell him something as our relationship had been always distant, and i always had the feeling he does not "see me" as i am at all.. all he ever did was moralizing and tell me things like a stupid shit he told me once " i gave you birth i kill you" etc.

He has anger problems and everytime i share with mom ideas or principles about how i see life he gets angry, as if i'm being naive and childish ..He expects others to treat him with respect even if he didn't actually do anything to earn it.. 

He simply wouldn't understand my feelings and his big ego would take them as a insult.. even if i were calm and didn't criticize him personally.

I also considered writing him a letter..maybe this would be the best way.

Thank you!

 

[Iulia]

@Anna Konstantaki Yeah i did all that stuff too, but i wanted to understand why i keep having dreams and what that means for my subconcious mind..

As i wrote above i wouldn't be able to have a conversation with my dad as it would turn into yelling and lots of anger from him even if i didn't do anything to provoke him, just opened the subject.. Maybe i'll try with a letter.

[Anna Konstantaki]

9 hours ago, Iulia said:

@Anna Konstantaki Maybe i'll try with a letter.

Same here. But I never had the guts to send or give them to them. As for the yelling and anger I told (my mother in this case) very calmly that she will either talk to me with respect and politeness like I do or I will leave the conversation and I kind of made it clear to her that she will loose the contact to me if she continues like that. She needed some time untill showing signs that she accepts reality and did wrong but now she goes into escaping the full confrontation. I have had dreams as well but I do not have any anymore. I think you are on a good way.

[WHOAMI]

Interesting story. 

Think about your dreams(not too hard) they are cool and they are saying too much