Need help with this extreme fear since smoking weed yesterday

[zunnyman]

When I got high, my intent was to become more conscious of reality. At first I was attempting to deconstruct my beliefs, questioning everything and going deep into that. I was also practicing letting go meditation while also seeing the intelligence of reality using leo’s exercise. And that made me really fascinated about reality.

But then I decided to do some meditation and focusing on my breath. I placed my attention on the breath and got into my body. Eventually it got to a point where it felt like I was dying, and absolutely couldn’t handle it so i moved around to distract myself and went to my phone. I thought it was gone, but as I looked around me, its like it was just sucking me in. If i was still, it would suck me in. So i had to move. Meaninglessness sucked me in and i was just in absolute fear for hours and hours. I was even questioning my own existence and seeing meaninglessness everywhere. My body was also vibrating so much. I couldn’t go to sleep because if my body was still it would enter into a very meditative state that id feel like im losing myself again.

Now it has been a day. I have been in bed all day. Im depressed and so scared. Scared to meditate. Scared to feel into the emotions, because yes it would make the emotions dissapate, but that would also make me more calm. And the more calm I get, the more it feels like im dying. I feel so disoriented right now. I don’t know if anything would ever make me happy now. I don’t know if I am cut out for consciousness work if it would bring such horrific terror. I have had fear in my life, but nothing like this. This was terror. Even today if im still, the terror comes back.

So far from what I understand this is a mix of cannabis paranoia and facing the fear of death

Sorry for this being so long. I just need some help. I don’t know who to turn to or where to look for advice. I tried looking many places and talking to many people. 

Before this life was going so normal. I was productive, happy, etc. 

[Uchira]

Dysfunctional life vs functional life. 

 

[molosku]

45 minutes ago, zunnyman said:

So far from what I understand this is a mix of cannabis paranoia and facing the fear of death

Spot on.

I have too experienced something like that on LSD. I "realized" that I cant escape myself or the world, so if I commit suicide I will be just where I was before and I will live forever in a limbo. So it was nonsense, but it felt very very real. What got me out of it, was to firstly become aware that it is happening, then become present and ask myself: "what is true? what is true beyond my thoughts?". Then I realized my panic was rooted in a thought, and a thought is not the ultimate reality. So the panic stopped right there. Then I laughed.

You talk about "meaninglessness sucking you in". One reason for that could be that you resisted your experience with your mind. Your mind is a meaning and connection making machine. When it suddenly can't find any, it panics and clings to what ever it can get a hold of. Sometimes that meaning is pure delusion (say, a psychotic episode) but the mind does not care, it's a survival mechanism for it so it could not care less if the meaning it comes up with is true at all.  You started to distract yourself, that was a mistake. You tried to deny it was happening, but that denial was a superficial layer on top of your true experience. It was a attempt to take back control of the situation. But really, you have no control over anything, so you used all your (non-existant) "tools" available. You simply jumped to an experience that you maybe was not ready yet. How to know when you are ready for some psychedelic experience? When you are facing it.

How to recover?

Ground yourself in what you know is true. Ground yourself in things you enjoy. Not what you believe is maybe true. You don't know anything about death, and thats okay. Take your time to just live your regular life. Right now, the experience is over, but the memory of it still haunts you. Have you read Echard Tolles "Power of now?" If you haven't, read it. If you have, read it again. Happiness and joyful living is available for you right now, every second. Only reason you feel scarred is that you are not in the now, you hold on to a memory. Of course letting go of that memory is not as simple as "dropping it", as it will find it's way to your consciousness. So what you are facing here is a process of becoming present each time you notice you are somehow re-living the experience.

Also, don't take drugs for now, that's obvious I think. If you can't get past your trauma say, in a few months, consider therapy and/or a healer. Im clueless about healing myself, but I have read it's very helpful for many. Also one thing what you can try if nothing else works, try taking something around 80mg of MDMA. It is a powerful way to work with trauma, and lots of research is being made on it's effects to cure PTSD. If you decide to go that route, your standard drug safety guides apply. Get a milligram scale.

Good luck! 

24 minutes ago, Uchira said:

Dysfunctional life vs functional life. 

 

Come on... 

Edited July 12, 2018 by molosku

[Lucas Lousada]

That was a break-point we all have when pursuing enlightenment, there is no coming back from it and you kinda have to deal with it.

Ignorance is a bliss, you may say.

Everything in EGO life is meaningless once you have an enlightenment experience but remember:

Yu body is a cage, that keeps you from dancing with the one you love, and your mind have the key.

When trying to enlighten again, before any meditation you could try to create a shield for your body, that you can always go back, and that fear of stop existing suddenly will be less terrifying, mind and body are connected, they are part of the same organism, the conscious created the body and they are dependent . if the mind did not needed a body, universe itself would not exist at all, try giving you body ( ego life ) as much attention as you give your mind when meditating.

 

If I make no sense at all, I could try to explain in some other ways

[Guest Quanty]

You went a little into the 1st chakra. Now let the gold settle on the bottom, give it time, that the waters clear themselves by itself. Forgive yourself, explain to yourself the openness to a new dimension of feelings and relax in that fear and maybe pain. Continue the focus on breath and everything will make sense after you fully embrace breath above everything else.  

[Arman]

11 hours ago, zunnyman said:

Now it has been a day. I have been in bed all day. Im depressed and so scared. Scared to meditate. Scared to feel into the emotions, because yes it would make the emotions dissapate, but that would also make me more calm. And the more calm I get, the more it feels like im dying. I feel so disoriented right now. I don’t know if anything would ever make me happy now. I don’t know if I am cut out for consciousness work if it would bring such horrific terror. I have had fear in my life, but nothing like this. This was terror. Even today if im still, the terror comes back.

So far from what I understand this is a mix of cannabis paranoia and facing the fear of death

Sorry for this being so long. I just need some help. I don’t know who to turn to or where to look for advice. I tried looking many places and talking to many people. 

Don't worry, many people have been where you have. Your primary concern is feeling better and that's going to happen naturally. 

It'll likely only be a few days before you feel much better. The body/mind/brain all spring back thanks to homeostasis. You don't need to do anything to let that happen. Fear will start to leave the body, and the weird states that you're falling into will go away. If you like, you can facilitate it by staying hydrated and doing some light exercise.

Feels rough and traumatizing but it'll pass. I wouldn't bother trying to meditate through it or anything. Just do the best you can living life and focus on things you enjoy. 

Don't get sucked in to thinking you're seriously traumatized or that you're going to remain fucked up. It might be one of the most difficult things you've experienced, but it's not as bad as you think. Give it some time. Don't think about it too much. 

Edited July 12, 2018 by Arman

[Faceless]

Are you separate from your beliefs? 

 

Are you seperate from fear? 

 

Or is belief, fear, the you, all one and the same movement of the past (experience, knowledge, memory) ??

 

 

 

 

[FeathersandPennies]

Hello zunnyman. 

I've experienced what you're describing.  

I think people underestimate the power of the psychedelic aspects of cannabis.  

Remember that the plant is a teacher and psychedelics are powerful teachers.  Not all teachers and students are compatible. 

There are many different paths to the same destination.  There are different ways of letting go and coming into expanded states of consciousness.

Don't give up.  Try different practices and methods. Study many different teachings and you will start to find your own unique path.

Try to stop giving meaning to the feeling of meaningless. 

<3        

        

 

[zunnyman]

@molosku @Lucas Lousada @Quanty @Arman @Faceless @FeathersandPennies you guys have no idea how much you helped me put my mind at ease. Past few days I have been so hopeless about life and just utterly fearful about a lot of things. Your words are slowly guiding me out of this. I dont even consider myself an emotional person but many of your words brought me to tears, of hope and gratitude. Im so glad I posted on here, I didn’t think I would recover so fast, or at all. <3

I am still unsure about a lot of things, especially about how to go about pursuing consciousness work more slowly and surrendering when its hard to surrender, making this journey more pleasant, but I know there are answers out there, and in time it will all make sense 

Definitely off weed for good though haha

[robdl]

2 hours ago, Faceless said:

Are you separate from your beliefs? 

 

Are you seperate from fear? 

 

Or is belief, fear, the you, all one and the same movement of the past (experience, knowledge, memory) ??

 

 

 

 

Indeed.

I have fear.

vs.

'I' is fear.

Radically different outlooks.

Does anyone see the significance of this??

Edited July 12, 2018 by robdl

[zunnyman]

Also, thank god for homeostasis haha 

[student]

Take a pause. A long pause. If the terror is too great and you can not handle it (letting go) then don't perpetuate it.

8 minutes ago, zunnyman said:

thank god for homeostasis

Yeah... but it will come that day when this homeostasis will drag you down again, so you will need to return to meditation again (if you desire to know "truth")

That terror you will have to face it again, but the difference will be your level of maturity and if you will be able to let go. You need to get to that level of maturity in order to have faith in that terror, that it will take you to where you really want. Because there are only two choices in that moment: staying the same or becoming the real you.

[zunnyman]

@student Do I have to have these experiences again? I mean, like aren’t there many paths up the mountain? What if I chose a different path up the mountain. One that is more gradual, a slow surrender, maybe more pleasant and loving with love type practices? Can these terrifying experiences be avoided? What if this spiritual path is more pleasant after I have plugged in many holes in Maslow’s hierarchy and moved up a few stages in Spiral dynamics. 

Also, One thing I noticed that made the surrender even harder was that I was surrendering on a drug vs sober. Reason being, on a drug it came too fast and too much for me to handle. Plus on weed, many times I don’t know what makes sense. On weed my mind also enters heavy paranoia. 

Edited July 12, 2018 by zunnyman

[Guest Quanty]

Vitamin C, get around 1000 mg daily to escape Mirages of the mind more easily.  

[Nahm]

@zunnyman Body awareness arises first (“Holy shit am I a living human being?!?!) My guess is you smoked too much, and got a ‘too much’ dose of how you could take better care of your body (food, etc). Might have some suppressed requests from your body for it’s alignment & healthier lifestyle. It’s a hard thing to face, and a drug expedites the facing of it with intensity. A stronger psychadelic could push you through that, but I suggest taking it slower. Get the foundation solid first. The body is the temple, take good care of it. Consider getting on the circadian schedule. Get up at 6am, exercise, meditate, eat natural & raw foods, don’t eat at least a couple hrs before you go to sleep. This is very powerful in life as well as on the path. 

Paranoia is your own over-thinking of what others think of you, and of over thinking about yourself. Doesn’t feel good because its an unnecessary falsity. You don’t know if anyone is thinking, let alone what they’re thinking, even when they tell you to your face.  You could be spending your time loving yourself, and everyone else. 

[SoonHei]

On 7/12/2018 at 2:27 AM, zunnyman said:

When I got high, my intent was to become more conscious of reality. At first I was attempting to deconstruct my beliefs, questioning everything and going deep into that. I was also practicing letting go meditation while also seeing the intelligence of reality using leo’s exercise. And that made me really fascinated about reality.

But then I decided to do some meditation and focusing on my breath. I placed my attention on the breath and got into my body. Eventually it got to a point where it felt like I was dying, and absolutely couldn’t handle it so i moved around to distract myself and went to my phone. I thought it was gone, but as I looked around me, its like it was just sucking me in. If i was still, it would suck me in. So i had to move. Meaninglessness sucked me in and i was just in absolute fear for hours and hours. I was even questioning my own existence and seeing meaninglessness everywhere. My body was also vibrating so much. I couldn’t go to sleep because if my body was still it would enter into a very meditative state that id feel like im losing myself again.

Now it has been a day. I have been in bed all day. Im depressed and so scared. Scared to meditate. Scared to feel into the emotions, because yes it would make the emotions dissapate, but that would also make me more calm. And the more calm I get, the more it feels like im dying. I feel so disoriented right now. I don’t know if anything would ever make me happy now. I don’t know if I am cut out for consciousness work if it would bring such horrific terror. I have had fear in my life, but nothing like this. This was terror. Even today if im still, the terror comes back.

So far from what I understand this is a mix of cannabis paranoia and facing the fear of death

Sorry for this being so long. I just need some help. I don’t know who to turn to or where to look for advice. I tried looking many places and talking to many people. 

Before this life was going so normal. I was productive, happy, etc. 

i had a similar episode like this after consumtion of some synthehic w33d i believe... it didnt last longer than an hour or so (cuz i slept in the midst/peak of it - hoping that by the time i wake up, all goes well)

 

but yeah, everything was meaningless - the visual sight was the same/similar ish but i saw myself and my family memebers in the other room who i could hear  - as animals. i looked at my hand and my body at that time and it was so differnet.. i felt i have this thought that i am normally this very highlevel intelligent being.. but i am just this body.. plane animal type body.. like man has a penis . wtf is that shit. i have this tool , which i erect then mash a woman. the whole thing was WTF

 

this was b4 i knew about all this sprituality stuff. but was this episode of mine and of the topic-starter what people refer to as DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL?

and on that point, with the knowledge i have now - i think back that maybe if that states comes upon me again somehow, maybe i can "fight" it by surrerdering to it and expericince an awakening? is that likely.. dark night of the soul, when surrendered to fully leads to awakening?

[student]

@zunnyman Yes, the path is not linear. But the final difference consist in this: when you will be put in the situation of surrendering, because you will inevitably be put in that situation, regardless if you learn love or not throughout the path, you will have to surrender completely, all of you, or remain the same, remain in the form. This is the choice that you will have to make in the end. The difference is: you will either have faith in the unknown, the terror, or you will act like a scared cat. This will show to you if you are mature enough to surrender.

The path is different for everyone. I don't know what your desires are, what your authenticity is, how you will ultimately be led to that choice. I am just talking about the final "stage" here, about the choice.

I am 99% sure that every person would have some terror in them, even with a high level of maturity. And I will say it again, the difference will consist in the capacity of surrendering fully or not. When I personally was put in that situation, I knew I was ready and I could surrender my "life" because I knew too well this "life" and I was already fully accustomed with it. The ego couldn't fool me anymore, the thoughts that came furiously in trying to make me fail surrendering. The desire to reach my "higher self" was too great, and no mere "ego" could stop me from surrendering, no terror.

This is the choice I am talking about. Yes, weed and other substances distorts your experience, your consciousness. Yes, there is indisputably a difference between sober and being on drugs. The first is more authentic and the second can make you doubt about your real capacity of meditating, doing spiritual practices.

I reccommend you watching this video if you haven't seen it yet https://www.actualized.org/insights/hawaii-april-2018-late-night-insights

He talks about the same thing.

[MM1988]

@zunnyman This is a panic attack brought on by weed paranoia. Ive been through it, this has nothing to do with spiritual progress. It will get better, give it a week. If you have to smoke weed just make very light joints please, the strains today are too strong and have too much THC so unfortunately this happens.

Edited July 14, 2018 by MM1988

[FeathersandPennies]

@zunnyman

((hugs))

I'm happy to hear that you are getting through it.  

[Moreira]

I've also used weed to make my meditation sessions more present to the moment and differienciate what I am and what not, try to focus on that.

Its called neti-neti meditation.