Do you also feel a dark painful wound in your chest?

[Elisabeth]

I wonder what it is. I've been having this feeling for years now. It's right behind my chest-bone, an emotion, a sadness so painful that sometimes I thought it might be a physical ailment. Sometimes it's like a black hard coconut, sometimes more like a cut, sometimes it feels like an abyss. Sometimes it expands out of my body in a black and paralyzing depressive cloud, likely still with an intense burning in my chest. Sometimes it's an almost enjoyable form of melancholia.

It's been with me almost constantly from approx. age 20-25, and not constant but recurring in the last four years too. Almost a decade now, and likely even before, as I wasn't aware of emotions prior to starting therapy. 

'Just watch it, it will change' they said, but I've sat with it many times it's not really changing. If anything, observing it closely sometimes sucks me into a very dark place for some time. 

It seems to be somehow connected with loss, sorrow, longing for something I don't think I can have, disbelief in myself, lack of human contact... these are things that make the wound more painful. What seems to mitigate it sometimes is my partner's closeness (like, when he really sees into me), sometimes sexuality, excitement or meditation if they can flip into the 'ecstasy' range.  

Are there more people with a persistent feeling like this? Do all people have it to some degree? Is it rare? Is there a name for it? Where does it come from? Is there a 'cure' for it?

It got triggered today, I watched it for a few minutes, once again trying to understand, and then I was down and exhausted for the rest of the day. It hurts so much.

[ValiantSalvatore]

@Elisabeth

3 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

It's right behind my chest-bone, an emotion, a sadness so painful that sometimes I thought it might be a physical ailment. Sometimes it's like a black hard coconut, sometimes more like a cut, sometimes it feels like an abyss

I have a similar feeling at the same spot, I will try to desrcibe and relate. It feels for me like there is a deep void a hole that has never been filled up or nurtured, a hot knife stabbed into the middle of my chest / chest-bone / solar plexus. An emptiness that feels like an endless vortex that fulfills one with the beauty of melancholy or the evanescence of existence, as I see the beauty of this world pass by.. music, nature, cities, landscapes, parks, flowers, trees, beaches , the ocean all of this seems to fill up this void or mitigate it's pain or I am drowning in it's never ending circle of agony and misery. I will not get into the details when I started noticing it, yet I can relate quite well. Since, I am strugeling with a phase wise / wave wise incoming phase of depression from time to time. Also, it feels like nerves in my body are sometimes twitching at this spot like they re-aling themselves.

Since, I am meditating this inner dilemma started to ease itself out and I feel more confident in my abilites and skills that I have acquired and I am not that scared of using them or feel the pressure of anxiety, self-doubt and self-hatred or social pressure. I tend be a "dreamer" so, I have high ambitions, but zero support emotionally not materially. So, I started doing everything myself as a kid and feel into the trap of immediate gratification and failed in the terms as what society denotes as failure. I tried nofap for a time and it felt it quite invigorating, more focus, more confidence, less plessure seeking and also being able to maintain / sustain habits and routines. 

Also, everytime I do shadow work it feels like bits and piece of that spot started to integrate itself into this spot. 

3 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

Are there more people with a persistent feeling like this? Do all people have it to some degree? Is it rare? Is there a name for it? Where does it come from? Is there a 'cure' for it?

I asked one of my best friends that knows me since my birth he is extremely open-minded and quite the contrarian. He described it exactly as either of us has described, also that he feels unfulfilled at a different spot in his body in the context of talking about depression and how to deal with it.  This seems reasonable for the other questions. https://www.epainassist.com/abdominal-pain/stomach/what-causes-pain-in-solar-plexus-area the picture that they use may not be at the exact spot, for me it is a tiny bit below my chest-bone. This a bit more spirtual / esoteric but with more focus on depression. http://chipur.com/solar-plexus-true-center-emotions-relief/

3 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

sometimes sexuality, excitement or meditation if they can flip into the 'ecstasy' range.  

Same here it feels like I am unstopable in the sense of ultra confidence or self-esteem and not in the sense of being a despot. I feel great have fun see the world more brigthly, I feel energized, hyper productive and laser focused and quick-witted and mentally alert. Like I took to much sugar and can't contain this massive amount of excitement and energy.

3 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

Are there more people with a persistent feeling like this? Do all people have it to some degree? Is it rare? Is there a name for it? Where does it come from? Is there a 'cure' for it?

It got triggered today, I watched it for a few minutes, once again trying to understand, and then I was down and exhausted for the rest of the day. It hurts so much

I don't know if there is a cure  , I would love that this void would be filed up and I can be energetic and hyper productive most of the time. Balance is key most likely and mindfulness meditation has helped me a lot. I am doing the unified mindfulness technique or see / hear / feel / in and out and what not technique from Shinzen Young. I am interested in chakras and yoga, yet I want to work on some other things for now. I want to start a yoga practice and deeper shadow work in the future when I feel more stable in terms of my "academic" future and when I am more on track with my life purpose. 

Edited July 11, 2018 by ValiantSalvatore

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth Sounds like you’re holding a pessimistic future perspective for yourself/ life, and feeling the mental breaks from it during sex / ecstasy / partner “seeing the real you” as you mentioned.  ‘Longing for something I don’t think I can have” makes me think you’re used to this negative long term view, to the point you don’t realize there is not an actual problem, but that it is your perspective and it’s eluding you. Have you listened to speakers which focus on the infinite possibilities in life? I think that would help. Life is supposed to be fun. Sounds like maybe you slipped into a kind of “life is serious, that’s a given” mode. There’s no inherent meaning though. It’s up to you. 

In a bigger picture, maybe you’re becoming aware of the reality of non-physicality, and mentally holding on to the concept of a physical reality. Are you prioritizing fun everyday? 

[Widdle Puppy]

I have this as a tension in my chest. I changes sometimes to fire and burning. I also feel a similar sensation on my face, cheeks, and in my brain. It melted away once after days of meditating and felt like a wound being drained of infection. It comes bak though. 

Edited July 12, 2018 by Widdle Puppy

[Emerald]

I used to have a feeling in the same place. But it wasn't like a wound, per say. It was painful in an engorged way. It was more like a bubble of repressed emotions. I used to be very adamant about being stoic and not showing emotion. So, I wouldn't let myself cry or really feel much of anything, and it was like that bubble was always in my chest with no way to get out. Luckily, I've since resolved that problem.

But I was watching Teal Swan in her Heart Chakra video, where she was talking about 'heart walls' and it made me think of the issue that I used to have with the bubble in my chest. She recommended a particular author who is an expert on heart walls. So, maybe it's one of those. 

Here is the video. I'm not sure at which point in the video she talks about them though. I hope it helps.

 

[Isaac Stamper]

I too have felt this. It feels like a deep emotional pain to me. Try loving kindness meditation. On a retreat I went to I believe I opened my heart chakra on the last day. I took 300ug of lsd combined with 2 hours of holotripic breathing. I was filled with love and compassion for the immense suffering and delusion of the world. I felt compassion even for my father, who had abused me as a child. I then proceeded to vomit my guts out, and I had a ton of hair in my vomit. Apparently the emotional trauma I was holding was connected to physical blockages in my system. I cried and cried on the way back to my home in New York, as I saw how lost and hurt the majority of Beings are.

[Elisabeth]

@ValiantSalvatore @Widdle Puppy @Emerald @Isaac Stamper  @Nahm People you're all wonderful and I owe you an answer, I've just had to put it off because reminding myself of that feeling was too painful. I see there are at least some that feel the same kind of stuff.

I do think now, and you've given me some hints, that it has to do with the heart. Loving kindness meditation is very difficult for me (often impossible), to really summon the feeling, so I don't do it, but obviously I should. It's true that on occasions when I really feel love the blockage is not there.

I've just had the opportunity to observe how strongly the wound responds to the feelings of "falling in love". I offered some bdsm play to a friend and obviously in such a contexts feelings can start arising. I nurtured them for a bit, and breathed them into my heart, and I could really feel it opening and loving everything. Yet then I talked to my friend the next day and he confessed to wanting a monogamous relationship, and I had to reject him since that doesn't sit right with me long-term. It was uncomfortable and it made the feelings go and the pain in my chest returned. Now I don't have access to those radiant loving feelings again, although I do have compassion for suffering. So yes, "opening the heart" seems to be the spiritual term for what I need to do.

On 7/11/2018 at 2:26 PM, Nahm said:

@Elisabeth Sounds like you’re holding a pessimistic future perspective for yourself/ life, and feeling the mental breaks from it during sex / ecstasy / partner “seeing the real you” as you mentioned.  ‘Longing for something I don’t think I can have” makes me think you’re used to this negative long term view, to the point you don’t realize there is not an actual problem, but that it is your perspective and it’s eluding you. Have you listened to speakers which focus on the infinite possibilities in life? I think that would help. Life is supposed to be fun. Sounds like maybe you slipped into a kind of “life is serious, that’s a given” mode. There’s no inherent meaning though. It’s up to you. 

In a bigger picture, maybe you’re becoming aware of the reality of non-physicality, and mentally holding on to the concept of a physical reality. Are you prioritizing fun everyday? 

Nahm, YES, I certainly do have a serious outlook on life and I've had it ever since I was a tiny pre-school kid. Why do you think it's got something to do with the emotional scar described above? I can't really grasp the connection.

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth  

What happened when you were a “tiny pre-school kid”? Something that made you say “this world is serious”. Likely a death, or a trauma, moving, parents separating, etc. 

You mentioned rejecting your friend’s monogamy offer led to the pain in your chest returning...and it “made the feelings go”. The “feelings” is Love. That, love, is not a human chemical emotion, it is not “feelings”, it is the fabric of reality, it is literally what you are. So, you’ve been identifying what you are in association with having reacted to experiencing something as a “tiny preschool kid”. It feels wrong, because it is wrong. The truth is you are love. That’s why it feels good. I know you’re smart and all, but try to accept the simplicity here. 

Working with what I’ve got....these seem like clues to me...

You didn’t say preschooler, you said “tiny”. So it’s likely something an adult did, or something that happened to an adult (s), or an older kid.

You said “doesn’t sit right with me long term”. There’s a good chance your “blockage” (identifying with seriousness vs love) has to do with commitment (it’s not like he/she proposed to you). So the “long term” part might be a projection of how you identify yourself internally, but seems to you like it has to do with the situation. 

“Reminding myself of that feeling was just to painful” What feeling? Try to feel / intuit into that feeling and identify it. It truly would only take you a few minutes of relaxing & letting go, and the insight will naturally arise. Guilt? Shame? Vulnerability? Unworthy? Unloved?     Also take note that it is a thought - as in, you would first need to “remind yourself”, and then you would experience the thought. Let’s identify what happened, feel straight through it, and be done with it for the rest of your life. 

Also, you made a point to note “although I do have compassion for suffering”. That’s empathy too. That means you suffered. Grab some tissue and let it out. Let’s not avoid it. I promise if you sit and feel into it, and let it out, it will not harm you in any way. You will be relieved and so glad you did. It’ll truly be the first day of the rest of your life. 

 

[Elisabeth]

Quote

“Reminding myself of that feeling was just to painful” What feeling? Try to feel / intuit into that feeling and identify it. It truly would only take you a few minutes of relaxing & letting go, and the insight will naturally arise. Guilt? Shame? Vulnerability? Unworthy? Unloved?     Also take note that it is a thought - as in, you would first need to “remind yourself”, and then you would experience the thought. Let’s identify what happened, feel straight through it, and be done with it for the rest of your life. 

Also, you made a point to note “although I do have compassion for suffering”. That’s empathy too. That means you suffered. Grab some tissue and let it out. Let’s not avoid it. I promise if you sit and feel into it, and let it out, it will not harm you in any way. You will be relieved and so glad you did. It’ll truly be the first day of the rest of your life. 

@Nahm , your guidance is priceless. I followed it and sat with the feeling yesterday, but I haven't had much luck with intuition or emotional releases while on it. Still, I will follow up (possibly at my next holotropic breathwork session two weeks from now - an intention to revisit the blockage and open up to love seems very doable).

I also had an intuition today around my monogamous friend that the thought closing me was 'love is dangerous'. So that's a clue right there.

On 7/25/2018 at 0:06 AM, Nahm said:

@Elisabeth  

What happened when you were a “tiny pre-school kid”? Something that made you say “this world is serious”. Likely a death, or a trauma, moving, parents separating, etc. 

Working with what I’ve got....these seem like clues to me...

You didn’t say preschooler, you said “tiny”. So it’s likely something an adult did, or something that happened to an adult (s), or an older kid.

Yes, we did move, and yes my great grand father died when I was about five, and yes one of my earliest memories is losing a toy (and my mum being very clear it had been my responsibility). I've had some emotions come up around those events when working in therapy previously. There may be other stuff that's not quite mine but learned from family - there definitely has been grief and anxiety. (That also feels like clues, but 'not it', too many words maybe? :))

I agree tiny is a weird word choice. Really I've been serious as far as my memories go back. I've been told I'm serious in preschool.

Quote

You mentioned rejecting your friend’s monogamy offer led to the pain in your chest returning...and it “made the feelings go”. The “feelings” is Love. That, love, is not a human chemical emotion, it is not “feelings”, it is the fabric of reality, it is literally what you are. So, you’ve been identifying what you are in association with having reacted to experiencing something as a “tiny preschool kid”. It feels wrong, because it is wrong. The truth is you are love. That’s why it feels good. I know you’re smart and all, but try to accept the simplicity here.

You said “doesn’t sit right with me long term”. There’s a good chance your “blockage” (identifying with seriousness vs love) has to do with commitment (it’s not like he/she proposed to you). So the “long term” part might be a projection of how you identify yourself internally, but seems to you like it has to do with the situation. 

Yes,  I am willing to do that now.

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth ??

[Joseph Maynor]

I used to feel that when I felt sorry for myself.  I used to relish in feeling sorry for myself and I would get that feeling you're describing behind the chest.  

[Sevi]

@Elisabeth

From 0:48

 

 

 

 

 

 

[StardewValley]

I would describe it more as being in my stomach than my chest. I once meditated and felt that my soul (I'm using the word soul for convenience) was screaming in agony. I know that my every-day self is doing okay but that my soul is screaming. Sometimes if something triggers me to cry then I start to scream. I can't cry without starting to scream, so I don't cry at all. So, I've been repressing this darkness within me for two or more years. I know that if I don't get it out myself, then it will eventually force its way out. I'm scared.

[Sevi]

@StardewValley Don't be scared. You will heal it?

 

[Elisabeth]

@StardewValley @Nahm @Isaac Stamper @ValiantSalvatore @Emerald @Isaac Stamper  (To those who might find the update useful or interesting.)

On 7/26/2018 at 2:53 PM, Elisabeth said:

I will follow up (possibly at my next holotropic breathwork session two weeks from now - an intention to revisit the blockage and open up to love seems very doable).

I did the holotropic breathwork seminar. It was actually a double session, breathing on two subsequent days. I set the intention to clear the blockage and open up. I didn't have, like, a huge opening, but I did a ton of work, having ton of support from the facilitators too, and I think I shifted things a bit (which is like a huge success, given that five years of therapy did nothing).

The process was very physical, I coughed a lot (this may be also connected to my asthma) and I cried. I had people pressing against my chest from both back and front for two hours while trying to get it all out, and ended up with a bag of used tissues ;). Mostly it was just the body doing it's thing, but I also relived some family despair: the sorrow for my grandfather who died when mom was three. My grandfather's heart failed, likely due to being imprisoned by the communists on solitary confinement earlier in his life, and my grandma never got over it. 40 years later when I knew her as a kid (she was living with us), she was still a depressed shell of a person, not interested in anything. So at the breathwork sesion I got flashbacks about that, with a deep sorrow and desperation, and a sense of 'if she didn't cry for him properly, I have to do that' - and that's what I did. This family history feels much more closed now for me, and I do believe that has been one of the major causes of my emotional injury. There was other stuff in there connected to breathing, which doesn't feel as closed yet.

After the seminar, it's like the painful feeling has expanded slightly, it's still there intensely but not so sharp, and I've got a lot more space in my ribcage. I do think my bodily posture has changed, I don't slouch my shoulders as much, I'm more aware of my chest breathing. So it's not all finished, but still quite cool!

[Emerald]

That's awesome!

 

[Nahm]

@Elisabeth So great! ?