I'm In Agony.

[mandyjw]

It sounds like he doesn't know how to have a real relationship and or is too scared to have one. That's usually the reason guys go for girls who aren't at their own maturity level. For your own happiness I think you need to leave him to learn from his own mistakes, the less you have to do with him the better.

[Philip]

@shouldnt You look like you're feeling a little better than when you started the thread

So I'll take this opportunity to be a little rougher than my last comment. So here I go :

This thread you created could be an excellent way of doing emotional purge. But it has to be used in the right way. And there's one major mistake that lots of people make (including me).

The mistake is to focus on something else than your own emotions. 

Yes I read your comments. Yes you courageously expressed lots of emotion. Congratulations for that, that helps. However, it seems to me that your comments only contain a small part of emotional description.

The rest is some description of the situation, of the people involved. There's some judgement towards yourself and the people involved. Some reasons why things happened the way they happened. Some hope you have on how it should turn out.

And all that is fine. But if you wanted, you could increase your emotional release by focusing a bit more on what you feel. Describing your emotions in detail. Describing the physical symptoms associated with them. Describing what the voice in your head says when you're feeling bad.

And I would also encourage everyone here to do so as well. If we all focus a bit more on what you feel, instead of who did what and who deserves what, this thread will be far more efficient in the purpose it was created for.

[dystopia]

@Philip You are right. I am just so bad with my emotions. Probably the reason why people tell me I'm a "drama queen" when I do exhibit passion over something is because I am normally pretty closed up. I am pretty laid back...but people don't know that I am actually extremely sensitive. I hide it well, with my cool exterior. I don't often exhibit a lot of expression or emotion.... even when I have a deep emotional reaction to something I immediately rationalize it. This goes back to the way my mother has belittled & guilted me whenever I do display emotion. I'm an INTP so my primary mode is introverted thinking. As a result, I often dismiss, suppress (etc) my emotions until they build up and cause me to either explode, break down, or have a massive panic attack (when it's the most physical...usually the most intense feelings).

My anxiety attacks where kept in check for over a year because I got so good at numbing myself (this goes back to when I was dependent on alcohol..that certainly helped numb me). I had a panic attack the night I started this thread, then another one when I went to my chiropractor yesterday (it continued as I was trying to reply on here), and now again trying to describe my emotions I am starting to feel another panic attack coming on. My breathing grows heavy and laborious... my palms get clammy, my heart pounds fast. I start to get this feeling of doom, as if something is about to go terribly wrong, or I'm about to have a heart attack, or stop breathing & die.

When it escalates, sitting still becomes uncomfortable. My thoughts become foggy and I seriously feel as if I am losing my fucking mind. I struggle to cling to my rationality.... and deep down I just want to scream and let my anger out and cry. The worst is when my breathing becomes so erratic that my arms literally start losing sensation. My fingers become tingly and my face feels numb. I start to really freak out and think I might die. My stomach is in knots...there is this heavily feeling in it, accompanied by nausea. I feel my abdominal muscle contract and I have to keep reminding myself to take deep breaths into my belly. My body shakes with each deep inhale.

Again, it becomes more and more uncomfortable to sit still and (I often do this) I get up and pace around... running my hands through my hair... touching my face to make sure I still exist & reminding myself that it's ok & it will pass.... wiggling my arms to try and regain the blood flow. I usually do end up freaking out over the situation and the tears come...I have bursts of maniacal laughter and moments of bending over and silently screaming.

The symptoms are progressing as I type this. This is seriously frustrating. Now I'm crying because I don't knw why I get like this every fucking time I have to face my emotions. I really want to but I can't get over the physical symptoms and the anger and frustration. I'll try again in a moment..maybe I can break it down. I need a moment.

[dystopia]

@PhilipOk my heart is pounding. I am going to try something. I'm going to write out every possible thing I'm feeling without labeling it good or bad. I'm really forcing myself to sit here because I feel like running away and distracting myself, as usual.

I am feeling.... immensely attracted to you for all this. fuck it. judge me. Where can I find guys like you, seriously, they only exist on the internet. I think I'm just being idealistic again but that is a labeling let me stop. If only I could get my rationality to shut the fuck up for a minute.

I am feeling.... alone, unappreciated, vulnerable, worthless. I am feeling resentment towards my mother and my roommate/friend, and my idiot boss who fired me.

I am feeling.... a little hopeless. and just like deeply fucking sad. My head is starting to hurt and it's hard to swallow. There's this choked up feeling in the back of my throat. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of living to be honest. Like I want to just fucking cease existing. I want to feel nothing. I am absolutely hating this.

I am feeling.....like a failure, like a waste of space, like I waste too much time. Like I have potential but I will never reach it because I am a coward.

Ok how the fuck do you describe emotion, anyways? I'm just really annoyed. I can't do this. Any suggestions?

[kalter000]

@shouldnt it doesn't matter how you describe emotions, the most important thing is you paying attention to them while describing it.

[Guest]

@shouldnt When you feel panic just sit down, become still, become aware of the air passing through. Follow your breath down your belly and deep into your legs. Just imagine the air is filling your entire legs down to your toes. Keep out of your thinking mind and connect with your mind. 

[dystopia]

On 3/18/2016 at 1:20 PM, Kelley White said:

On 3/18/2016 at 11:21 AM, Sarah_Flagg said:

I am hearing that there are a lot of life changes with you and this is making your uncomfortable and unhappy. 

Can you think of any other way to look at these changes rather than depressing and bad?

Its okay to fall down, its okay to vent, its okay to do all those things.  Now that they are all done?  What can you do to forgive and empower you to take some steps forward for yourself?  When I can focus  on creative problem solving mode?  That is empowering.  How can you empower you?

I did end up getting drunk because I could not handle being emotional. Oh well.

Ok guys let's get positive. I am not just feeling depressed. I honestly love myself. I think I am so beautiful and I think everyone is so beautiful and I love everyone. I have lots of things to be grateful for. I am glad in a way that I got fired because it kind of kicks me in the ass. It reminds me that I want to find ways to make money doing the things that I love. I don't want to do menial work for the rest of my life. Even though I still have a tiring job, this opens up a bit of my time to pursue what I really want out of life. I want the freedom to pursue my creativity when I want to. That is one reason I did not want to be constricted by school or fit into some box that was already laid out for me. I am going to get there no matter what. This whole thing was just a small hiccup in my eternal existence. That is all for now..

[SAM B]

This is the first time I've posted.I feel that posting this can help me positively deal with some the strife I'm dealing with(family issues,unemployment,disability etc),.Dealing with oneself can be challenging enough but when you have the issues of others affecting you (ESPECIALLY family) it compounds the situation(s)..As you're experiencing with your mother's lack of empathy and callous nature.It may help to use some strategic anger to manage what you're going through and get in the mirror and say to yourself (start calmly first)" Hey I strung together 200 days sober and I can do it again and perhaps next time it'll be 250-300 days"!..Then get a a bit pissed and say "F-- this I'm going to go through this positively and *patiently* and take the steps to improve this situation and not be a statistic!" Work to plan out what positive steps you will take(write it down) to improve the next hours(start small),days etc etc..Be excited about the possibilities(as HARD as it can be!), do the work, and look back in the future and feel proud you got through this..This is partly a message to myself for you!:-0 Good fortune to you.

[Key Elements]

@shouldnt

Your dreams could start here and now, this very minute, as long as you notice what you pick up in your hands. Are you picking up your "notebook" (the tool that I've mentioned) to work on & enjoy or doing something else instead? Your dream life is a process, never the end result. The end result (like money) is only 2 sec of happiness. The real happiness is the process.

Another thing..I'm glad that nomad mentioned the Graves model. I'm a fan of it. Remember, each stage has to be transended and not abandoned. Leo even said this. Stage blue is an important stage, even though it's fundamental. Some values of stage blue has to be taken into consideration to rebel against stage orange and move onto stage green. We can't live without boundaries otherwise we'll be stuck at stage orange. All of my friends when I was growing up were stage green, but I couldn't share everything with them, so I had to move on. The great part about stage orange is the startup. I recommend reading Guide to Investing by Robert Kiyosaki to work on your life purpose. 

[Philip]

10 hours ago, shouldnt said:

Ok how the fuck do you describe emotion, anyways? I'm just really annoyed. I can't do this.

@shouldnt You're doing well, seriously. I'm actually surprised. 

And the moments when you're in your lower self, or when you have a panic attack, or when you feel a little depressed...

How do you feel about those feelings ? What's your meta-feeling, so to speak ?

Are you ashamed of those feelings ?

Are you tired of having so much emotions rushing on you all the time ?

Are you proud of the way you courageously handle so much pain ?

Are you, in a sense, grateful for feeling this pain, because you know there's worse situations than yours in the world ?

I don't want to impose standards by asking those questions. I just want to give you examples of what I mean. Try not to focus on what I might think of you. Try to focus on some of the subtle tactile sensations in your body (tension, warmth, pressure, pain, discomfort), as well as intense ones (like during a panic attack), and maybe even more importantly, the actual sound that the voice in your head creates.

But all this is hard, so just do you best.

11 hours ago, shouldnt said:

fuck it. judge me.

No one's really judging you here (and definitely not me ), but if you want, you could witness that you're afraid of judgement sometimes. Or tired. Or whatever. Whatever comes out is good. Even the very fact that you don't find your present situation okay, is okay. Shame is okay. Hopelessness is okay. It's just happening. Listen to it.

And keep up the good work !  We're proud of you !

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Key Elements said:

@shouldnt

Leo even said this. Stage blue is an important stage, even though it's fundamental. Some values of stage blue has to be taken into consideration to rebel against stage orange and move onto stage green. We can't live without boundaries otherwise we'll be stuck at stage orange.

 

Transcend and include.  

Yes.  

But the next stage of development is only supposed to include the healthy aspects of the previous stage (s)

 

I'm just going to g ahead and assume that you mean stage blue fundamentalism splitting is a "personal" boundary?

If so, then this is an unhealthy or weak boundary.

Some distinction is needed here.

It's healthy to remove certain disruptive influences from our lives for sure.  But it's unhealthy to make the other person a complete monster because we disagree with their values.

A healthy personal boundary should be permeable, letting in nourishment and keeping out toxins.  Like is said before if I split experience into good and bad all I'm not growing, all I'm doing is just giving my power away because now anybody can control my personal boundary.

When I open the door to nourishing behaviours and close the door to toxic or manipulative behaviour then I'm training other people how to treat me.  This is what brings healthier people into my life who will respect my boundaries without me having to do much work.

In my opinion it's better to recognise blue cognition splitting and get rid of it (as it's a function of pathological blue) and replace it with the relativism of healthy green.

 

 

 

 

[Key Elements]

@Nomad

That's exactly what I mean - to transend and include healthy stage blue values and not push one's value onto others. This is the reason lots of ppl don't talk about their core values - lots of disagreements on what your core values "should" be in stage orange, but your core values are your core values. Don't let your boundaries go, otherwise you can't focus on your life purpose. 

I'm talking about healthy boundaries, not unhealthy boundaries. I can't tell someone what they can and cannot do, or what core values to choose.

Note: I'm speaking based on my experiences in real life.

I'm posting because I do feel for shouldnt - a lot. I want the best for her and everyone else. That's why I can't tell her and others what boundaries to set and what decisions to make. I could only tell her what I've experienced and she could decide whether or not to adjust and use it according to her life journey. Got it?

Edited March 20, 2016 by Key Elements

[Guest]

@Key Elements For me, I didn't understand what your definition of boundaries meant.  So I wanted some clarification.

Thanks for clarifying.

You can tell somebody what you need them to do if they are violating your boundaries.  Please be on time.  Please do not speak to me this way.  Etc etc. 

You can also suggest options if the person asks for help.  However, if they continue to ask and not act for themselves after your advice then drawing a boundary and moving on is acceptable.

In the UK we call this learned helplessness "talking the piss" 

[zasa joey]

@shouldnt Heyy, WOW what a temper you have got.   Firstly, you are beautiful. Ok, so i can emphathize with you on this, been feeling like worthless piece of shit for long now, i have forgotten how it feels to be happy, fulfilled, to have confidence, to love and respect yourself, so i feel like a hipocrite for trying to encourage you. well, dont let anyone tell you or make you feel like you are piece of shit! you are unique, you are an universe, you have your own story, background. be proud of who you are. remember that we all feel fucked up about ourselves, thats part of being human! accept yourself for who you are, for what you have endured! you are tough. Feel all those emotions fully, dont try to avoid them or to distract your self! I can assure you that things will change and i hope that the cloud thats raining over your head will soon dissapear. wish you endurance and all the best, remember people care here. 

[dystopia]

So I got pretty wasted, last night. I wanted to shut off my emotions. I was definitely not in my right mind. I'm a very chatty, flirty, silly drunk. I ended up hanging out with my roommate & his nerdy friend. They are 12 year old adult men lol they are super into building gundam models, it's kind of adorable but hard for me to act impressed when they ramble on about it.

Oh & I ended up changing my pic to one of my stupid face lol.

Although when everyone left, I found myself feeling intensely lonely. I had a hard time falling asleep, as I was consumed with thoughts of the meaninglessness of existence. I was googling the fastest, most painless, but lethal ways of suicide. Before I fell asleep, I rationalized the thoughts away. I reread some of the posts on this thread & I woke up feeling much better.

I started reading a book today called Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Really great, so far. I'm hoping it can give me a better idea of what I feel and why.

15 hours ago, Philip said:

No one's really judging you here (and definitely not me ), but if you want, you could witness that you're afraid of judgement sometimes. Or tired. Or whatever. Whatever comes out is good. Even the very fact that you don't find your present situation okay, is okay. Shame is okay. Hopelessness is okay. It's just happening. Listen to it.

Thank you.

I guess I can be a little judgmental. I try not to be. I have gotten a lot better at trying to see other people's perspective & halt my impulse to criticize (especially because these are things my mother does & it does not do me any favors). So I guess I am a little scared of judgement. In the end, it doesn't matter too much what people think. Everyone views the world in such a different way.

15 hours ago, Philip said:

Are you ashamed of those feelings ?

Are you tired of having so much emotions rushing on you all the time ?

Are you proud of the way you courageously handle so much pain ?

Are you, in a sense, grateful for feeling this pain, because you know there's worse situations than yours in the world ?

Yes to all of these. However, I am also thankful for all these emotions because they can be wonderful. Pain exists to teach you a lesson. It can be a guide.

My feeling on my feelings when I am super low. Well... the voice in my head tells me I should know better. That I should get over myself. That I am too sensitive and a drama queen (mostly my mom talking, again). I get this tension in my diaphragm (which is probably what induces the panic) and I feel this enormous sense of guilt & disgust over feeling down. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. I advise this to other people but I often can't do the same. Growing up, my mother placed a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. She was a single parent struggling to raise two kids in a foreign country where she barely spoke the language. My little brother got special treatment since he was young because he had a heart condition (& also because my family is mostly females). I was babysitting him since I was 10 years old & had to grow up quickly. My mother was never home, offered no comfort or emotional support to me. She was either working or off having dysfunctional relationships with men. My brother and I are lucky that she was protective of us, and never allowed those men to bring us harm. Just made me responsible for my brother & subjected us to a lot of arguments. He never even had to do any chores & was spoiled to death. I forgave my mother a long time ago for this. Especially now, going through this personal development work. I understand her better (even though, honestly, I would like to distance myself from her as much as possible... maybe someday I'll be able to help her more than she helped me but I can't handle it now). She did the best she could with what she was taught & that is all anyone can do. I know that deep down, she does love me, and she is not a terrible person. She was also emotionally abused, as a child.  

I suck at this..I didn't even mean to go on about that but there ya have it.

I'm extremely happy that what I'm going through is resonating with so many people like: @zasa joey @SAM B thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate you. You are beautiful and kind and valuable. We can get through this. If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to message me.

I have been dancing around my apt for the past hour listening to The Strokes & The Killers

 

 

I'm about to go visit my cousin who just had a boob job lol. Have a lovely, stress-free week, everyone!

Edited March 20, 2016 by shouldnt

[nbolt]

23 hours ago, shouldnt said:

I honestly love myself. I think I am so beautiful and I think everyone is so beautiful and I love everyone.

Yes, you are! I can't believe you were using that other avatar before. Honestly my very first thought when I noticed your new one was, "wow, so pretty! the fuck was that other avatar lol."

Edited March 20, 2016 by Neill Bolton

[Guest]

7 hours ago, zasa joey said:

@shouldnt so i feel like a hipocrite for trying to encourage you.

@shouldnt This is better than Jeremy Kyle

[Evilwave Heddy]

On Friday, March 18, 2016 at 11:11 PM, Rasmus said:

@shouldnt this is one last reply to all of your post in this thread. Enjoy

 

 

 

I was actually gonna post that too. Haha Good advice imo.

[Philip]

@shouldnt So, are you done with the agony ? How are things going now ?

[DizIzMikey]

@shouldnt Don't regret it, I feel like you had to say it...of course I live in a world of uncertainty myself 

I don't know the best advice but I can give some

1. Quit drinking because in the long run it will fuck you up 

2. After you are done fucking your roomie, determine whether the ride was worth it, basically

DOES THE PAIN AFTERWARDS JUSTIFY THE JOY? The joy should outweigh the pain marginally

Was it worth it?

3. If you need to talk to someone who cares message me, I naturally have an affinity for those who seem to be helpless, I probably have a psychological disorder of some sort so take heed if you so choose to message me. 

4. Don't worry about the friends things, you're not alone I have a shit time making friends

5. Fuck what anyone says if they are trying to call you pathetic, that makes them pathetic themselves.

If god exists, than may he/she or whatever it is bless you

Of course if god is benevolent 

 

Edited March 25, 2016 by DizIzMikey